Author Archives: sugarcoatedevil

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqF8_UcUQdQ

I never gave up on you, I gave up on us. There’s a difference.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about many things, and I guess time never hurts.  It lets me sift through the noise, the anxiety filled tangents and what if’s my internal dialog runs through, and  it gives me the chance to observe what’s been happening between us and within myself.  Had we of continued what we started at the end of June, what I would have brought up and how I approached it would have been different than how I would have done it last month, and that’s different from how I’m approaching it today.

There was a goal to hash everything out, get answers, satisfy curiosities, and get closure in case my heart needed it.  But deep down I was hoping to figure something out.  Since I’m not so far in it like I was in June, I can see the big picture and prioritize what matters to me.  You confirmed that you loved me, and explained you loved four women, all very differently.  I believe it.  What I wanted to know was if you’re in love with me.  It matters.  Who is the love of your life now?  That answer lets me know if it’s time to give up or if it’s time to keep fighting, because I know I can, but I need to know if it’s worth it.

But of course it’s always more complicated than that.  I wanted to address something that’s chipped away at me since I read your blog pdf.  Specifically from January about not being sure if you and I would make it, but what you’re currently dealing with has outlasted everything else so you have to keep pushing.  I don’t know if you could imagine how much it hurt to read that, that you would write us off as a possibility so quickly.  Don’t cling to a mistake because you spent a lot of time making it.  Change it for yourself.  If that’s the only reason why you’re there, you have no reason to be there.  Also,  I thought it was implied but maybe I never said it, so here it is.  I don’t want tomorrow, or a week, a year, or a few years.  When I’m in something, I’m in it forever.  I hope you never doubted that about me.  When I wanted to make long term plans I wanted you in them, forever.  I want forever.  There is no expiration date there, no exit plan, nor was there ever a desire for one.

I came to the realization there would always be “reasons.”  I understand things don’t change over night, but we are ultimately in control of our own destinies and small choices will eventually lead to big changes.  Your choices have not brought you closer to me over time.  I thought I wasn’t worth it to you, or  maybe I am but you haven’t been able to take a step back to see what’s going on and what you are doing.  You’ve never had to fight for me, and that’s because I don’t believe anyone should make it hard for someone who loves them to be with them.  I’ve been fighting for you, because of these circumstances, alone.  You can say you never meant for anything to happen, then follow up with “but it didn’t stop it from happening.”  We both made decisions not to walk away.  We can’t be in denial about the fact that there is something between us that pulls us toward each other.  I’m not the kind of person to run from it.  I had wished we met at the right time in our lives, or not at all.  Then I realized that was wrong.  It’s never perfect, and we are never ready.  But those who take the biggest leaps get the biggest rewards in life.

Now I know that I am worth it, and so much more.  The problem isn’t me, and I shouldn’t have to push like this.  I wouldn’t want it to be that way anyway.  I am not waiting. There is no pending conversation, but if you have questions you’re welcome to ask.  I will not push for you to change a thing.  I don’t doubt that you love me.  Never doubt my love for you.  I know you’re not ready for me.  I love you enough to not be in a codependent relationship with you, or to let us compromise who we are.  I thought I would always be last in your life because you care too much about image.  Because you put others before me.  I will always be last because you will always put everything else before yourself.  You’ve always put yourself last, not me, but it’s essentially the same thing.  I hope that you choose happiness, and when you do, if you realize I’m not part of that picture, it’s okay.  Or if you choose happiness, and realize you do want to share it with me, that you’ll fight for me.

I spent a majority of the last 48 hours sleeping and eating.  Mostly sleeping, then waking up and staying awake if I’m hungry enough to gtfo of bed.  Today was a little better taking care of things.  I finished making the appointments and reservations for September,  went to my dental cleaning this afternoon, and got my ass to barre.  It was so hard, it was a sculpt class instead of a mix class I’m used to.  But that’s okay.  Went to this New Mexico food place after with Brandon and had the best chili relleno ever.  Ermahgerd.

Apparently my recovery mode is sleep mode with intermittent food breaks.  lol.  The dreams lately have been an extra special crazy with a side of wtf is wrong with my brain and why are these stress dreams more stressful than usual?  At least I’m doing better physically now and going back to work tomorrow should be business as usual.

There have been a few changes with the wedding too.  Things have been less stable for Anne since her roommate hasn’t been working and other personal things going on so she asked if I’d be super upset if she declined her invitation to the wedding and I said no.  Mel and I understand her situation and get that she has other things going on that take precedence.  Mel’s parents aren’t making it so her brother is walking her down the aisle.  Since Shaun is coming we asked him if he’d be willing to walk with me and he’s more than happy to do it, which I greatly appreciate.  Man, a bunch of close friends coming together for a very important day.  I’m glad we’re working through these crazy unexpected things, it just sucks this is happening, and so close to the wedding too.  It’s going to work out.  It’s too important not to.

I’m binge watching Suits today.   This week I got a raise at work and found out I was awarded a scholarship.  That email came on August 8th and I hadn’t seen it for 13 days, then I realized that was in the middle of Defcon. lol  I should be studying and maintaining my health and stuff.  I haven’t really done much of either.  I’ve broken physically under stress on Thursday, dealt with it, and finished the week out yesterday.  I thought maybe I needed to do something different to reset and go back on a better routine so I looked into going out and found Kaskade was at XS, then got on the list, then was too tired to deal and just slept… and while catching up on sleep is important and good… lacking the motivation to do anything on my personal time is bad.  I just had a couple of wins, why am I depressed?  At this rate it’s not going to matter and I’m gonna fail.  Wednesday’s deadline to test is impossible now.  I need to pick another date and stick to it but I’m not sure what date is reasonable vs what I’ll take advantage of and continue to be stuck like this.  I keep beating myself up about what I haven’t done previous days, decide when I wake up this is the fresh start and to take it day by day… then don’t do anything.  I’m depressed about other things.. but I’m kind of over typing.  Next episode.

So I woke up this morning feeling like death.  Thought that first sentence would be a great follow up / contrast to the title.  Yeah… Anyway, epic amounts of stress + bad sleep + bad eating habits since the con + family drama llama + work drama llama + drama llama = bad fibromyalgia flare up.  I wanted to call in and just sleep it out of my system… but Monday is the day I’m in the temp space and it’s a pain in the ass getting it covered if you’re out and I feel like stuff won’t be done as well when I’m gone and it makes more work.. so I just go and do it.  It was lightheaded and feeling terrible and freezing so after the meeting I decided to thaw out in the car in glorious 109 degree weather.. it’s the only time this is acceptable.. and look up coffee and tea places nearby.  I find a place called Serenade and walk in to Kpop… it’s a Korean cafe… nothing is gluten free, apparently the macarons aren’t or the lady just didn’t know what I was talking about or wasn’t sure and didn’t want to risk anything so she flat out said no.  I ordered the ruby sipper tea and it’s a pretty pink tea and it’s floral and there’s an orange taste and I don’t hate it.

It came on this cute stand with hearts and a tealight candle in the middle… I see what they did there.  I chilled and had tea and was good being out of the office for an hour and this guy walks in and I’m trying to place him.  He has my attention.  Why the fuck does he have my attention?  He sits down at another table and then I notice he’s wearing a mofo Throbbing Gristle tshirt! Wat?!  Seriously, I’m sure I can count how many times Throbbing Gristle has come up in conversation over the years with friends who are music encyclopedias on one hand.  Holy obscurity.  So there it is… Throbbing Gristle and Skinny Puppy are the founders to a genre I hold near and dear to my little black heart.  So I say “dude.”  Nothing… he kinda looks up and I’m all “hey, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone with a Throbbing Gristle shirt before.”  Or something like that.  He seemed really surprised I knew them… like reeeeeeeally surprised.  He seemed delighted.  I mentioned the Houjobb and Alter Der Ruine show on September 15th I wanna go to desperately in Phoenix.. it’s a weekday, I am sad.  We’re pseduo yelling not yelling a conversation while trying to talk over the crappy Kpop… it wasn’t good Kpop.. it was crappy this Kdrama needs a better soundtrack Kpop.  So I ask him if I’m coming over there or if he’s moving to my table.  He grabs his things and sits at my table.  I find out he’s from DC and is in PR.  His name is Nick.  I talk about the Phoenix scene and how it’s sister scenes to LA since they’re decent sized.. and I wondered why Vegas wasn’t part of it until I moved here and then it all became clear why shit never worked out here.  We talked music, the places we came from, current work.  We added each other on fb.

I just happened to be at the temp space today, and happened to look up a place for tea… that happened to be a Korean cafe… that he just started to frequent 2 weeks ago since we’re in his neighborhood.  My life was officially a Kdramedy this afternoon.  Mission accomplished.

Everything is wrong, I have a bad headache.  I haven’t been this depressed and emotionally lost in a while.  Every aspect of my life is upside down again. This isn’t like August 2012 bad, or September 2013 bad… yet.  Why is it always around this time of year? Home life, work life, education, personal, relationship.. it can all diaf.  I could write novels on every one of these but fuck it.  I don’t want to care about anything negative that’s happening at all because it all drags me down.  Everything. I’m tired of looking forward to the next event to get me through in the meantime instead of just being content.  I feel like as soon as I get over one major thing two more pop up.  I know that’s how life is, there will always be obstacles… but a breather would be nice… instead of fighting a hydra that won’t ever die.

I keep saying I’ll feel better when I actually study, it hasn’t happened yet.  There’s been no motivation, or I’ve been exhausted or distracted or not around.  I keep saying I’ll feel better when I go back to barre since I skipped through con week.  *head desk*

Yesterday someone who works QA for Google pointed out I listed NIN and Mt Eden under music I enjoyed and mentioned it was uncommon.  I never really thought about it until it was mentioned.  It’s hard to find people who are eclectic in similar fashion.   We went on a spontaneous late lunch / early dinner date.  I specified casual, no pressure, I’m not even going to put make up on.  We discussed food around the area and picked Zen Curry.  I got there and it was super super busy, so I signed in and chilled, then got a table.  He texted he was 2 minutes away, then came in and sat down.  He was barely audible when he said hello,  I could tell he was nervous.  Why is everyone always so nervous?  I was driving to Zen Curry thinking it’s cool to go eat with a foodie and nerd out.  I had to drive the conversation from the beginning, talking about McFadden’s since he was going there later in the day for a going away thing for two coworkers.  They were moving to Texas to start a training thing there.  We talked about what I did for work, what he did for work, where we were from, food things.  He asked if I’d been to a Cuban tapas place on the east side and I hadn’t.  He hasn’t checked it out yet and said when he was gonna go he’d hit me up since he doesn’t wanna go alone.  That’s cool.  The conversation started flowing and I think derping and rambling about nonsense usually helps people… not be all… nervous?  I don’t get it.  I try really hard not to have RBF and I would imagine I’m approachable if we’ve already had a dialogue about interests and being in the same-ish industry.  He said if it wasn’t too forward the invite was open for me to join him at McFadden’s with his group and I said sure.

We chilled at his place around the corner from Chinatown until we went to McFadden’s.  He was kind enough to DD.  His group was… different.  Idk.  They seem like a nice group and I’m sure working with them is fun, but it’s not like the dynamic I have with my group, and we’ve had group things at McFadden’s previously so this was weird. A lot of people really suck at giving handshakes even though they’re initiating them.  Random observation.  Peeps are also kind of arms distance guarded.  I’m not used to getting that vibe upon initially meeting people.  The other day I stayed at a friend’s house and was told I am hard to read.  I said but I’m pretty transparent, and they said “dear, you are transparent on the surface, you are much more complex on the things that really matter.”  Or something like that.  I know that’s an exact quote before the second comma.  They also made the observation that upon meeting someone I can place them very quickly.  Which I know is true.  They also said something happened to me at some point in my life that was the catalyst for why I do these things, and it’s preservation, and I don’t necessarily know how I do it, I just do.  It’s intuition, and it’s been spot on.  I think it’s funny this came up days ago since I pretty much knew where I was placing my date when he walked into the restaurant and sat down yesterday.  I like him, he’s nice.  I will never date him.  I would like his friendship and offers of foodie adventures.  I started thinking about him as a candidate for a couple spots we have open on the team.  Seriously, TSO was all “I need you to find two contractors.” on Friday and I was all well this might be one.  He has a background in tech support and is doing QA and auditing and this company has a partnership with Google. I know he wants to move away from QA into a more technical position and he has common sense and I have more faith and interest in him professionally.  This was hilarious.  At McFadden’s he introduced me to his friend who used to work for Apple and has more of a hardware / tech background.  He’s very interested in the company.  I told them to email me their resumes.  If I get them both, I will print them and hand them to TSO in person on Monday and be like here you go, you wanted two contractors.  Then drive over to the building I’m supposed to be at Monday.  There’s something about doing it in person that adds to the amusement.  Goes out on casual lunch date, comes back with two resumes.  Dating is kind of like interviewing.  Fuck.  Interviewing is kind of like a date to determine if the company likes you, but more importantly if you’re going to like the company.

I was introduced to two chicks who worked at the company, er, kinda introduced myself.  It was intermittent between being introduced and going up to people myself.  Also, the women have firmer handshakes then the men.  Wtf happened.  I mean bravo to the women but still.  The DJ said  it was some chick’s birthday and for the other chicks to go to the bars for free shots.  One of the chicks said she wanted another girl to go with her and I said sure and asked the Apple guy if he wanted me shot, he said yeah.  We go to the bar and what I didn’t realize was the girls had to get up on the bar and dance.  Fml.  I already said sure I’d go with her, without. realizing. that.  So we’re up on the bar dancing to the shittiest trap and awkward high school reminiscent school dance playlist the DJ could come up with.  Either he sucks, or he’s a sadist and he’s doing a great job.  Idk wtf I’m doing.  I hate the music.  I just move and stuff.  After terribad sexist bar ritual is over we’re handed blue shots, I take a sip… it’s stupid sweet.  It looks like an adios muthafucka but it isn’t.  I hand shot to Apple guy.  Two guys help me down the bar.  Date says he’s calling bs on my earlier statements I don’t know how to dance.  I explain I don’t know formal dance, and feel like a fool when I dance anywhere out of my element, but have fun with it.. usually.  I can dance in my element, at a goth industrial night.  That’s the only time I don’t have to know what I’m doing because it just flows.  Anyway,  we were going to have a group go next door to Blue Martini but only three of us made it over for hookah and drinks.  It was stupid loud and kind of alright so we were trying to figure out the next venue and  I found out Scarlet was happening at the Artifice.  It’s been a while since I’ve been to a goth night so I mentioned it.  We were walking out when Apple guy notices a girl he’s seeing in line to go into the place with another guy.  He decides to stay.  Date fills me in on drama llama… I think it’s a bad idea, but he decided to stay behind to see what’s going on.  Good luck Apple guy.

Other member of our group left with someone else.  Plans were falling apart.  He was still willing to check out the goth night but I said I didn’t wanna drag him out.  He said it was up to me, and I explained I normally would have been asleep by this hour.  So we went back to his place and talked for a while.  I was trying to sober up but was so tired.  He hesitated and finally asked what I was looking for.  I said okay that’s an interesting topic and since he brought it up he could start.  Then he said no he asked me first… this is a crappy loop I don’t wanna get stuck in.  He said stuff I can’t remember, it was vague.  I asked him how long he’d been single and he said since April.  I asked him how long his longest relationship was and he said like 8 months.  I explained technically I’d been single since 2013, emotionally I’ve been single since August 2012.. so three years on the dot now.  I called that 2013 blip the one night stand that wouldn’t go away.  Very accurate.  I also explained how I’ve never taken anything seriously and never looked for anything specific, and haven’t ruled anything out, because as soon as I said I wouldn’t do something, a week later something would happen where I’d want to do the thing I said I didn’t want to do.  It’s my life.  So I don’t omit anything.  He was like, okay so case by case? And I was all yeah! Exactly.  He said he was pretty much on the same page but then asked about the potential work thing, like if that means I’m off limits.  He then admits the attraction is really strong, at least on his side.  I’m having deja vu now.  I used TBBT analogy of fwb being ice cream with sprinkles on top.  I said look you have a solid thing that’s predictable and you know what to expect from it, and I’m an abstract thing with no promises.  I said I never planned on settling roots here and am not in a position emotionally to be with anyone.  Then I said if I were you I’d take the money.  Go for the linear over the abstract.  Idk if that made sense, I said it drunk.  Sober… idk if it makes sense.  But I hope it got the idea across?  He said he was still contemplating which option and was torn, then asked if he kissed me what would happen?  I deflected that, and forgot how.

It was super late, he asked if I needed a little sleep before heading home and I said yeah.  He said the couch was obviously open and so was his bed.  I said well then, we crashed out.  He very carefully stayed on his side of the bed, on the edge.  I didn’t plan to stay out and hadn’t packed anything so I slept in my clothes.  Once of the few times I woke I noticed he was facing me but carefully staying out of my space, another time he was facing his side again.  That’s the thing, he was so careful and delicate the couple times he’d place a hand on my back to direct me somewhere, or be friendly, or whatever, there was a complete lack of assertiveness.  Which was disappointing.  I was talking to work wifey on Friday about her issues on being touched delicately and how it was impacting her relationship.  I made the realization after she said it that every time a man has touched me, held me, grabbed me, put his arm around me, whatever, it’s been assertive.  It’s not half in, or hesitant.  I don’t remember the last time I dealt with this, I’m not even sure I did in high school really.  There’s this habit we have to adjust our pace to the person we’re interacting with. When someone pushes you push back.  When someone backs off you back off.  When someone is delicate and cautious with me, I started to realize my instinct was to be cautious and then I thought wait, that’s not what I normally do, what just happened?  It was confusing. It was off putting.  I  mean, I know this was coming from him being unsure and nervous but that’s just the thing.  At my age I don’t have the patience or the desire to teach anyone anything outside of technology.. and maybe origami.  But if they’re not there, it’s not gonna happen.  He’s a few years younger too, and I was hesitant to meet up but the goal was originally food and conversation.  Now he’s apparently really attracted to me and I’m thinking oh honey, you need to move with purpose, and you need someone on your level to help you get there.  Or you need to just get there.  A string of questions was going through my mind when we were still talking on the couch.  I wondered… was I like this at 23? No.  21 even?  No.  Am I really that intimidating?  This still blows my mind.  I went on a tangent and just messed up this timeline but don’t really know how to separate everything so I’ll go back to the morning.  He was facing away and I thought he’d never get the hint that it’s okay to put his arm around me.  I’m cool cuddling with friends.  So I thought maybe he’d get it through example and something would click.  I snuggled up behind him and put my arm around him.  He moved a little and seemed content.  Later my other arm was falling asleep and I hugged him and turned to lay on my back.  He eventually turned to face me but still kept the same cautious.. I don’t know and I don’t understand because I can’t relate to it. I was finally awake enough to drive home and got up, he woke up and walked me out.  I hugged him and he hugged back in a cautious very little movement kinda way.  I swear I’m not made of fire.

I feel bad for wifey, when she describes her bf being cautious.. I hope it’s not this bad.  I know he’s been out of state for a while because of university and I hope he snaps out of it quickly before she goes crazy.  I can’t deal with it.  I srsly hope his crush on me diaf soon and we can resume this foodie adventure plan.

Also, I’m so picky I rarely agree to meet anyone, and on the rare occasions I decide to it doesn’t line up.  I wish I could word this another way so it didn’t sound extremely arrogant but lately it’s been go hang out with someone, they’re epicly nervous, they’re super attracted to me, I need a crafty way to say I don’t want to date them.  I’m about to quit people. I need cats.  Nah.  I’ll get bunnies.

I really haven’t been home much the last week and a half.. or more?  If the con hasn’t been kicking my ass, it’s been work, and weird stuff, and sleepovers at friend’s houses, and I’m fine with it, I just need a better battery pack.

I have so many things to take care of but feel like that’s all I ever do, and need to recharge and veg out alone for a bit before attempting anything else that requires my brain.  I scrolled down through the archives and mentioned catching up on Sailor Moon Crystal.  Sooo I just checked Crunchyroll and a new episode is out.  It looks like they’re finishing Sailor Moon R, I hope that means the next episode starts S, and then Super S, and Stars! OMG if they remake Stars and stick to the manga. I die. I die now.

Also… Mel, read February 5th 2004.  I’m so happy we did, and I’m so happy to be your maid of honor next month.

It’s really weird writing about the 2nd half of the con 3 days later.  I still haven’t caught up on sleep, it’s 11:51am, gotta be up at 7am… !@#$ it I’m writing this out of my system.  August 7th was…. Friday… I got up to Friday morning…. Okay!  So Friday I slept in and took the day off but still ended up in the office briefly for some stuff then grabbed food and checked into the hotel.  Went to Cornish Pasty Co for dinner with friends after being in a depressing slump/nap for a couple hours.  Seeing them helped and I met even more awesome people.  Then went to Bally’s for the first time and missed the talks again.. it was dead.  Went to the chill out area, ran into other friends, heard the Unlocked party was bad, heard the McAffee party was crap, glad I didn’t go.  Was walking out of the chill area and this guy asks if we drink and when we said yeah invited us to follow him down a hall.  What?  I was highly entertained thinking this is either going to be awesome or terrible.  Friend from work questions whether or not we’re going to be murdered.  We end up in a room with people and a lot of free alcohol.  They looked for a conference room that was left unlocked and threw an impromptu party.  The best part was the fact that it was in the social engineering village.  It couldn’t have been more perfect and appropriate if they had tried.  So this one guy would go back out and recruit people to come party when the goons weren’t around.  I started texting friends “Do you know where the social engineering village is?  Tell no one, make sure goons aren’t around to see you walk down to the side entrance, knock on the door four times.”  We had the chairs all over the place in random groups and at one point I was so happy to say four people were there because it was my fault.  It was really good… until the party died down.  Then we started to wander and went out to the Queercon party at the pool… cause better music.  We walked around… it was okay I guess.  Then we sat at a table and chilled for a while and talked, and this one dude was spazzing cause the kiosk that manages the lockers was reset or being stupid after midnight and people couldn’t get their stuff back.  Security was taking forever and trying to get a locksmith out, but this is a hacker con, so our friends started lock picking, and more friends looked at the kiosk.  One friend got one locker to open despite it being double sided wafers and not having the right tools to do it.  He kept saying he as embarrassed he couldn’t get any other locks and I was like dude you got one without the appropriate tools, that’s badass.  So the kiosk… the group got to reboot from the back and then it went to Windows 7 and we tried to get to admin but realized the kiosk user had an expired password and was showing old password, new password, confirm password.  We tried a bunch of simple stuff then left the old and new passwords blank… the password was blank… *blinks*  So we got in,  rebooted a few more times, the lights on the lockers went green, yellow, then red, then off.  People watched anxiously hoping to get their stuff back.  I think the kiosk got shorted… it was already a dusty cluster !@#$ of cables.  The hackers actually started cleaning up the cables while trying to hack the system, other than the technically shorting it part… and it was already janky… they were leaving it in the same or better condition regarding cable management… I know… they obviously cared more than the dodgy technicians who left the password blank, let it expire, and wadded up the cables and then slammed it in the chassis.  This one security dude in a suit, management, some dude, starts walking up while on a cell phone, we all back away from the lockers and go back to our table and other people are hovering around chatting in ear shot.  We hear the guy panicing “but it was on and working last time he was there.”  This had been going on for over an hour, other security guards had been around and not cared, locksmith never showed or might have after we left, idk.  I dropped a friend off at a place they got on Airbnb, went and got Robertos tacos at 5am with another friend then got him back to his hotel, filled the gas tank and finally made it back to my hotel.  My face didn’t hit the pillow until 6am.  OMG I was ded.  Like d. e. d. ded.

Saturday I was getting texts at like 9am asking where I was cause peeps were at the con for talks… I was like… omg only 3 hours of sleep.  I hadn’t figured out how to put the burner iPhone on silent and it kept vibrating on the nightstand, a couple times it scared me awake and I thought I was gonna have a heart attack.  Seriously, those things buzz louder on wooden counters louder than Samsung phones do… wtf iPhone.  I was all… I am not beloved, this iPhone doesn’t have to wake me up… I learned really fast how to silence that !@#$.  I actually learned how to get through a couple menus and spazzed when I found all the cute emojis, and liked the messenger when you texted other iPhone users.  Having to toggle back and forth between droid and iPhone…. I was considering upgrading to an iPhone next time around…. w t f happened.  Idk, I’m a little concerned.  Although… everything has vulnerabilities, Apple does a good job with security when it comes to the apps they approve and ios isn’t so bad and.. fml.  I sent the text hey… I got in at 6am I need more sleep and got the response “okay.”  So I slept then felt guilty about how long I was mia and showered then went and got brunch.. only I made it 20 past 2pm and missed brunch so I got other stuff which is cool I guess, then went to con and again missed talks.  It was dead.  I wondered around the contest area,  found some peeps I knew and was in the chill area for a while, then we went up to the presidential sweets to the different parties.  They had full bars, kegs, pin ball ,  mini remote control helicopters, ridiculous robot wars made from modified kids toys, like toys for itty bitty kids.  They had a pay phone, idk where it came from, they had a bunch of tacos from Taco Bell.  We wondered from party to party then sobered up getting Johnny Rockets downstairs then went back up and did it all over again, and I was down for the count.  I didn’t make it past a certain point and was taken back to my hotel and in my bed by like 10pm at the latest.  I missed the freak fest pool party despite drunkenly walking around in my swimsuit at parties the last few hours.  Which sucked cause I wanted to go to this party and swim but later I was told it sucked.  So yay for good sleep.

Sunday I woke up and had to check out and we went back to the event.  My original plan was to transfer stuff from my friend’s rental to my car but we decided to wander the con again.  I grabbed an epic sign and pretended to be an employee at the company who hosted the party I went to earlier in the week.  Got called out by one goon, showed them my badge, called it good.  Walked around the vendor area I had missed because it was in a completely different area… it was weird.  Went upstairs to the presidential suits but the doors to get through weren’t opening and you needed a key for it… so I guess that was over.  But there was one skytalk still going.  I need to look this speaker up, he was epic.  This was like going to church on Sunday for hackers… with whiskey.  He was making a lot of great points, and then he would yell drink! And drink!  When he asked a question and someone answered he’d invite them to come up to the table to pour themselves a drink.  All the talks have a table with alcohol near the podium.  He asked a question and one guy raised his hand.  The speaker called him a liar, said he just wanted a drink,t hen invited him up to get a drink.  Then the speaker asked if anyone else just wanted a drink and I shot my hand up so he invited me to come up.  I poured myself a shot of whiskey, waited for him to finish his sentence and held my cup up so we could do a shot together, then faced the crowed and held my cup high, they were awesome.  Walked back to where I was sitting with the huge sign I acquired.  There was some wandering after that then we went to sushi for lunch. After that we were just done so I called it and went home.

Monday felt like death… but some random things.

1. Rio was a better layout than Paris/Ballys.  Having the vendor and some tracks separated from other conference rooms was weird.

2. The pool at Rio was better with the beach and hot tubs… whatever.

3. I did statistically impossible things two years in a row.  Last year was not getting laid.  This year was making out with a girl at the party.

4. She found me on okc online.  The guy she was with was her bf.  He was cool with it.  They called me the “highlight of their weekend.” Awe.

5. I’ve managed another piece of shenanigans three years in a row.

6. Last year my focus was all on the talks schedule.  This year was a 180 just focusing on the vendor and party schedule and rsvp-ing to a bunch of stuff.  I decided to rsvp to anything that sounded remotely interested so I’d have a bunch of options and then decide on the fly what to attend and what to skip.

7.  My sleep schedule is so jacked up and I’m tired.  It’s 12:26AM on Wednesday morning.. after an almost 11 hour day… nooo.

8. I can’t believe I’m considering iPhone… damn emojis.

9. I successfully invited myself to an event two years in a row now.

10.  Buying the badge wasn’t worth it this year because I only used it twice-ish?  I learned some things if I want to go back next year.  Things like a couple weeks before the event Looks at the talks schedule and the party schedule, picks things that are interesting for both, then see if you think you’d rather be awake for A or B… or a little of A and B… don’t buy the badge until you go to a party or two and see if it’s something you can replicate.  A local con exists a couple days prior.  Check that out.  The more professional con that happens before this con is more money than I want to deal with.. and their classes are above my level… for now.  Find their parties because you meet the coolest people ever.  Take more vacation time.  Book the room at the venue because the convenience is worth more than the quiet… but book the room away from the pool and away from the main strip… or high enough up on the strip side because the pool is still louder.  If the badge isn’t hackable split the price of one with someone so you can both go to talks you’re interested in when you feel like it and trade off, no one is there long enough to need it at all times the entire event.  I was informed more than once, including by a friend with a black badge, most people don’t purchase badges.  With how little I used it I felt like it was a waste of money this year compared to last year, but at the same time I made up for it with everything I did in the last week and the stuff I pulled and the friends I made… and all the free alcohol and food everywhere.  Some people said this year the talks weren’t worth it and they probably won’t go back and they don’t really party.  I was like aweee.  And I guess now, I party one week out of the year. lol  It was like going back on 2nd shift, it was an instant schedule change on my sleeping habits… dammit.

Something else really sweet was my work wifey mentioning last week how Tyler said I reminded him of all the things he likes about women.  We grabbed tacos and got caught up, I felt bad I missed his birthday last Wednesday cause of the events..  he randomly brought it up when we were eating in the park and said that I’m her work wife, but he’s claimed me as his friend wife, and he said he could try and describe me but movies do a better job sometimes, and he thought about it and said the movie Juno already did it.  I saw that movie when it first came out and barely remember it.  He brought up the quote “I was thinking more, like, graphic designer… mid thirties, you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like, dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don’t want to be too particular.”  I was all.. that’s cool but idk how to play.. I mean I wish I did.  He said he could teach me lol.  Or like… rocking out to guitar hero could count, and I was all I got pretty decent at that years ago.  So it works?

It’s 12:47am. Frak.

I miss you desperately, I just got in and the sunlight is starting to peek through the curtains no matter how much I adjust them. I keep looking at your side of the bed, it’s empty. Yeah, I took the side closest to the door, it’s near power outlets, really it is. Lol  its like you haven’t come back from vendor meetings yet, or you already left super early because of some other obligation.  I have crazy stories and photos I want to share. When you’re feeling better I want to share this bed with you and cuddle and laugh and take breaks for food and naps.  I’m going to sleep now. Bogoshipoyo. Jaljara beloved.

I always said this is the week where chaos theory comes into play.  Every year I’ve learned to plan more and plan less simultaneously and there have always been fun surprises having a general idea of what’s going on while winging it.  The first year was a last minute decision to go in blind, last year was too structured with a full speaker schedule, and this year…  I’ve been at vendor parties since Tuesday and am exhausted and haven’t been stepped foot in the conference yet.  I haven’t slept well for over week and it was wrecking me but I still tried to balance that sweet spot where I could get in what I wanted without completely killing myself.  This year I did my research on what’s going on, rsvp’d myself and a few others to a lot of things that overlapped, and didn’t decide which ones to actually attend until they were coming up and then picked.  It could have been most of them or none, but I’d rather have the ability and not take it, than decide to go and not have an in.

Tuesday was this private dinner at Bouchon Bistro, I had no idea it was Thomas Keller’s restaurant until I looked it up.  I got in by name dropping a CTO of one of the sponsoring companies in my registration, the day before the dinner I got confirmation my request was accepted.. and while I dressed business casual I still wish I dressed a little more professional like I had Wednesday.  I stood out for a few reasons, one being a woman.. there were maybe 3 others, one was the host of the event, I have metal in my face, and I was probably the only person under director level and under the age of 40.  When we got to industry related content I listened, when we bs’d and discussed food and whatever else I was just fine.  They were going around the tables and we all had to introduce ourselves so I listened to how everyone else ran through and gave my name, company, gave a couple stats, and they moved on… thank Satan.  lol  Dinner was great, conversation was great, a couple people ended up adding me on LinkedIn the next day.

Wednesday was one of the security parties at the House of Blues.  Open bar, lots of food, terrible music.  I ran into friends I met at the same party last year.  They were thinking of me and asked if I socially engineered my ass in again and I said no.. this time I rsvp’d, they called it cheating, introduced me to their CEO, and got me a VIP badge I can use at a couple other events their doing this week.. including a penthouse with lab demos, food, alcohol, and apparently massages… I need dis. I met a nice guy at the bar and have his card in my bag, he mentioned another party at the Wynn and the friend I came with said he had an in for that party so we went, it was actually at XS at Encore and he didn’t have the wristbands and tried name dropping the rep he knew but they said the event opened up for people on the list an hour later. It wasn’t worth waiting.  I really wish I’d taken Thursday off at this point.

Thursday in the office was brutal, I was already beyond sleep deprived before the events but they were worth it.  I couldn’t multitask, there was a lot on my slow mind, and I’d been worried about my beloved since Monday, but I hoped the shenanigans was bringing a little humor and distraction to him.  Thursday night was the Nike Swooshed after party at the Light nightclub at Mandalay Bay.  It wasn’t like a normal night club since it was industry, the music wasn’t too loud since conversation was still possible, and we met a lot of cool people.  I got drunk, I pulled walked up to a guy in the middle of his group and pulled him onto the dance floor then hugged him and thanked him for dancing with me, then one of the friends who came with me wanted to dance.. which I found surprising but that was cool.  Then I was talking to these cool peeps from NY who help coordinate Blackhat and above me on the next row up there was this hot chick dancing so I got up and we were dancing on separate levels.  One of the guys encouraged me to go up so I ran through the floor to the stairs to the other level and when I got up to her she asked if I wanted to dance.  So we did!  It was awesome, it was like insta-infatuation. One dude kept trying to dance up on us and I wouldn’t let him, we ended up back on the level where I was sitting with my group which merged with two other groups and kept changing through the night.  Her group went temporarily MIA so she stayed with me.  We ended up making out for a while and apparently 30 guys on our level and the level above us were staring like they’d never seen women before… or never seen women making out before.  My friend from work explained there were phones out and we were filmed… so uh, I’ve  never been filmed before.. I actually don’t know if those are pictures or if some video is going to surface on YouTube now.  The guys around us were kind of creating a barrier to keep the creepers at a distance, I was so lost in her I didn’t even know what was going on around me.  We exchanged numbers, we cuddled, we tried to sober up together, she invited me back to her hotel but I was someone’s ride and was sad but it’s okay.  She started kissing my neck and was shifting me down, and I decided I wasn’t having any of that in a club so I pulled her hair with both hands and started nibbling, she left marks on me, they were visible last night and I haven’t checked in a mirror yet this morning, but I know I bit back hard since she wasn’t holding back… I think I got her back.  She made some comment and I told her to imagine how things would be going if I wasn’t in a club restraining myself.  I made some realization I’m more dominant with women and more submissive with men, and it’s all on a subconscious level, idk how that happened. I’m not scene, don’t believe in roles, idk. lol The event ended at 1 so we went to my favorite pho place in Chinatown then everyone went back to their hotels.  I finally made it home Friday morning (this morning) after being up almost 24 hours.  Her and her friend are here till Monday so that’s cool, she lives on the other side of the country.. that’s my luck.  We might run into them today, it’s still early.

Idk why I woke up around 7am and just went back to sleep until my call with the university.  I love my mentor already, she’s great.  We talked about the parties a little bit and I told her I wanted to test out of a couple classes in a couple weeks, she’s all for it.  I had to renew my registration online since it was due tomorrow.. it’s 1.5x higher than my car payment, it’s insane here.  I have a meeting in a couple hours then I can go do whatever.  There’s another event tonight, I kind of want to go swim… idk how I’m awake right now. This feels like the half way save point.  Today is day one at the con for me and I have the weekend.  I need to check into the hotel too, I need another cup of tea.