Author Archives: sugarcoatedevil

Chris M’s Dream

“So, I had a dream where I had a total mental breakdown. I was punching everything and everyone in sight. I was also ramming my shoulder into door frames and destroying stuff. Then I joined the Russian army for no reason whatsoever and the only focal point if that was wondering how I was going to cope with going from 5.56mm bullets to 7.62mm.. Then flash to flying the escape ship from Alien before the Nostromo blew up. Dafuq!?! Why does my shoulder and hand hurt?”

Kitchen Wars

I was walking down stairs in this house… so much beige, and I saw Jessica walking up in some of the smexiest metallic blue with black trim lingerie on, and she’s due in January and can still pull it off.  I was in a super soft long gray blue jersey chemise and a really light flowy robe I left open.  I kind of want to see if I can find these things shopping online now, they were damn comfortable.  I went into the kitchen to warm up leftovers, it was pretty obvious I was at a friend’s house (just not sure which one), but it’s the kind of friend where you walk into their place and say “I’m here to eat your food and steal the love of your pets.”  This guy walked up and was making comments about food so I grabbed another plate and pulled out more stuff from the fridge and told him I’d be out in a couple minutes.  There were a few people over.  Then some other guy came in, grabbed a plate, and set it down right next to what I was working on and was in my way when there was plenty of counter space to the left, so I asked him to move, and he was joking around acting like he wasn’t in the way and then I told him to fucking back off and get out of my way, because he could have waited a couple minutes, he didn’t come in for these things before me, or after me, so he could just get the fuck out of my way, and he walked out. Yay me.

Everyone was watching some movie and I was cuddled up with Lisa.  I had to go somewhere but when the movie ended its sequel was starting and I was all uhhh.  It was some black and white film following Hitler, like if reality TV existed back then.  It was him cooking and talking and going about his business like a normal person who never did anything terrible and I kept trying to figure out why this was off in the dream.  Then I went somewhere and this lady was sitting in a chair on a small stage reading from a huge book to a crowd.  It was ornate and had this pretty gold leaf filigree stuff going on around it.  I know there’s stuff after this but other than going to parking garage I can’t remember.

 

Tyler’s Dream

Tyler: Morning
Me: Morning <3
Tyler: Hi I had a dream we went to eat last night so I had you on the brain.
Me: Yay.  Where did we go?
Tyler: I don’t know a dream place.
Me: lol
Tyler: We had tea and I can’t remember all the stuff.  But we are all the things.

Anna G’s Dream

“Man, the dreams I have when I’m sick…. I dreamt that my ex was trying to seduce me but had some crazy mutant std, and I told him to f, off and there was a king fu battle so he tied me to a boat and I went off to sea where these warriors found me in the artic, then we came across these snow giant beasts who built an empire and they had captured these mermaids one Blond and one looked like like ariel, and they were bound to stones and the king of the land had to choose one.. the one chosen and kissed got legs, the one not would be sacrificed into a wedding soup for proprietary and good luck. He chose the blond one, and the Warriors I was with had a love interest with the red head who was going to be turned into fish stew. So there was an epic battle with arrows giants and snow, the mermaid now turned woman, decided to push him into the boiling Pot and said she hated him and would never have human babies. The Giants were set free and I rode on one of their furry backs back where there was a oriental festival going and unrealized I had jedi skills trying to chase down a glowing kitten I saw…”

Unni’s dream

“So I had a scary vivid dream last night.

I was leaning on the car waiting for Billy and I saw a UFO land behind a shop. I looked in the window to see a scary face on every TV screen laughing like Tim Curry’s Darkness in Legend. I jumped in the car, locked the doors and laid down in the floorboard, scared shitless. All of a sudden, the car fills with light, it is lifted and turned upside down, I am screaming, crying and burned by the light. Finally the light goes away and the car is on solid ground, still upside down. I have no idea where I am, it’s a small town and everyone is scared of something. I am just following groups of people running from house to house and I don’t even know what is chasing us. Every time I try to use my phone, I am interrupted or threatened by some kind of electronic device. At one point I am cornered by a hoarde of remote control car robot looking toy things. It seems like days pass before I finally get a chance to call Billy. I can’t remember the conversation, but I remember him saying that he saw it happen and he missed me. Then I woke up.

I dreamed about a 2-3 day long ordeal in less than an hour. I was asleep for maybe 45 minutes.

THIS FREAKS ME OUT.”

Gin then mezcal?

There was so much equipment on top of the cabinets in the hall and Arlan was passing by.  I was asking Angela how many unboxed monitors there were for the last row of desks in our area and when I went to do a count saw the desks that were missing them earlier had monitors mounted now.  She gave me a list and I went into the IT room and it was a little different.  The list was split wrong , we had what we usually did but there was a delivery location for all of the Stewarts, like that was some new office that was opened somewhere, and I argued it saying that was too complicated.  There was some new chick and she was arguing me about it but my voice was barely audible at most sometimes from being sick.  The floor was arranged different and she went to some other lady to talk about it who wasn’t involved in the process so I pulled her aside and explained how things were split and how SLC was going to have it’s own MDT setup soon so we’re only doing their stuff temporarily, and how GB was gonna start doing their own thing, but today’s split made no sense.  I brought up SCCM, and there was some other guy in the IT room and I told her to double check with recruiting on those addresses.  I woke up in the corner on the rack and still didn’t really have a voice so I was gonna call it and go home.  I couldn’t hear well like when you change elevation and everythings weird so you try to chew gum or swallow or whatever.  I vaguely remember a bottle of Beefeater gin.

I woke up from this dream in a super fluffy bed in a hotel suite and the entire wall on one side was a window.  I got up and pulled the curtains to discover I was on a ship.  There was a resort pool below and so much water everywhere, and so many boats going out to sea.  The room itself was absolutely beautiful and behind the bed was another room, like a sitting room.  Idk what to call it.  I  checked my phone to see if there was a text, and there wasn’t, then started sipping from a bottle of mezcal since I was on a cruise or something and it was early morning.

And then I woke up. lol

Dreams come true… in California?

I was somewhere north of West Hollywood trying to figure out plans later since my group had split up and all this stuff happened.  Everyone kept wanting sushi and I wanted to go to Disneyland then Bar Sinister.  The last thing I told you before waking up was I thought I was ovulating cause my panties were drenched and super slick and it was driving me crazy we weren’t fucking.

#4. I didn’t know this was a date

I’ve been on some really shitty dates, on the rare occasions I’m willing to subject myself to them.. but how the fuck are they dates if you never accepted them in that context to begin with?  So there are four Joshes in my life, idk how that happened, and they are ranked.  #4 came to visit me.  This is the guy I randomly hit on online that one time back in the day, since we had mutual friends, and he was like 300 ish miles away and I thought well, we’re never gonna meet in person and it’s the internet so I have free license to do whatever I want.. which I usually wouldn’t do something online I’m not willing to do in person, and I didn’t really do anything that bad anyway.  Turns out we both worked for the same company at the same time and never saw each other or I can’t remember, and we know a loooot of the same people and became fb friends and had been interacting online for months.  Things seem pretty legit so far.  He decides to visit Vegas and mentions it and I’m like cool we can hang out.  There is no expectation.  I absolutely hate it when there is some context or expectation people place on themselves, the other party, or the situation.

He asked if there was anything in particular I’d been wanting to see or do and I mentioned Penn & Teller so he made it happen.  The night before he drove up he sent me this vague text about trying to figure out a loose plan about what we wanted to do during his visit and he guessed we’d figure out food and “getting to know each other.”  I fucking hate that term.  There are certain phrases I get en masse online from people and some really annoy me, that’s one of them.  One of my peeves for years has been when people have a “quick question” for you, whatever the hell that is.  It doesn’t exist.  A question  is a question, dear lord, just ask the damn question.  So this “getting to know each other” is the personal interaction equivalent to asking a “quick question.”  stfu.  This already hit a nerve before he got here and it was kind of a flag he threw context and exceptions on something somewhere, but I was all whatever.  I can overlook this, it’s such a common thing people say, no matter how stupid it is, and I already said I’d chill this weekend, and I hate being a flake, and it’s the day before.

So after work we meet and check into the suite and start trying to figure out food.  He has no appreciation for tea or coffee.  I am confused.  He goes on to explain he was a picky eater as a child and didn’t grow out of it, never developed an appreciation for bitter flavors, and some other things.  I am so thrown off by this. He’s anti sushi.  I think I made a face here I couldn’t control.  But he said he was okay with Japanese food.  We get curry, he ends up confirming he doesn’t like curry. *mind blown*…  He has this old brown leather jacket and straw colored cowboy hat.  I’ve never seen either online that I can remember.  Oh god, we never discussed music.  He seems okay with metal though.  Try to associate with Rob Zombie.  He has long hair and facial hair.  Try, try, fail.  He also doesn’t smell pleasant to me but it’s not a constant thing.  Maybe it’s the jacket or the shoes, maybe it’s a chemical mismatch and his pheromones are a big NOPE to me.  At least this is subtle, until any benchmark of the libido I normally have at all times suddenly plummets.  While intoxicated he makes a general comment about my “cute nighty.”  Who says nighty?  I am irked.  Earlier he referenced the really nice suite we were in as a motel.  I have terrible flashbacks of the red neck one night stand who wouldn’t go away.  We spend the rest of the evening chatting and watching Hunter X Hunter.  I pass out.  He does some bs kinda sorta cuddle thing and I can’t stand any half assery or lack of confidence.  I grab his arm and pull him over.  I am assertive, I really need the same to take anyone serious,  I hope my actions elicit some kind of confidence or my actions are at least mirrored.  I’m seriously wondering if there is anything redeeming or if this is truly a lost cause and sneak a check on my hip… he’s not happy to see me, or I can’t fucking tell.  I can’t put up with even the potential for bad sex or I might kill someone on principle.  I go to sleep.

Late Saturday morning we wake up and I’m trying to figure out brunch.  We end up at the Perch and enjoy many mimosas and foods.  This was a positive.  We walk around Fremont day drunk and do the stereotypical thing and he gets a cigar and gets me cloves saying he’d keep the rest of the pack since I only wanted one.  Feels and smells like gothy gothy sin.  We end up at the toy store in Container Park and I fall madly obsessed for this Pusheen plushy.  I must have it.  He offers to purchase it for me, I keep declining until he caves.  We run through the store and I find Hogwarts lanyards, gleefully exclaiming how much the Slytherin one reminded me of my friend Gina.  So I genuinely forgot he knew her and they were friends on fb, I forgot they used to date.  So he asks “Gina C—-?” and I’m all yeah!  “remember the ex girlfriend who left me at Pax?  Yeah that was Gina.”  Ohhhhhhh…… *crickets*  That was fucking awkward.  He told me the story but I didn’t know it was Gina.  So when I said “wow what a bitch!”  I didn’t know I was calling my friend a bitch… uhhh.  Try to salvage that conversation but deep down I don’t really care.  Purchase my Pusheen, leave.  As we’re walking he has his hand on my back between my shoulder blades.  This feel bad, again it’s half ass and it’s light touch.  Also we don’t have that rapport or friendship dynamic, that was the whole point of the weekend, to develop it organically.  I will hold hands and walk down the street with friends, or hold on to someone’s arm while we walk around *if* we’ve established that.  Also, the way he was doing it was like some subtle attempt in public to look like he’d established his way in my life in some fashion, like I’m off limits, or just something.  It was annoying.  I walked a little faster.  His hand dropped, he put it back.  I moved to the right, it dropped again and he put it back, I think three times.  I’m quickly weighing it in my head thinking it’s not worth being a bitch over but at the same time how much annoyance am I willing to put up, and I have to decide and set limits now before I blow up and bite his head off.  As soon as that through processed I turn and say “Can you not?”  I couldn’t even finish the sentence.  I’m still not sure what would have come after that.  But he dropped his hand and he got the message.  We walked around more until we were sober and exhausted and went back to the hotel.  I had to nap, I was fighting fibro pain and fatigue.  He came to lay down next to me.  I wanted to tell him he didn’t have to, he could just watch tv or play games, he brought his PS3 with him which was cool, but I didn’t even have the effort to verbalize such things so I passed out.  When I woke up we had to start figuring out food before the show.  I asked what he felt like and he didn’t know, of course it was up to me.  I asked him what he wanted to do, he made some passive statement about wondering what my pussy tasted like, and I was all noooo I’m not feelin it.  We were walking around Fremont all day and I’m not all golden down there.  I’m pulling for any excuse at this point.  He said “I don’t care.”

….

EXCUSE ME?! The desperation.  Of all the wrong things to say.  Everything is going sideways.  It has been since Thursday.  Okay so 1. that’s like asking permission or asking “what would happen if I kissed you right now?”  What a turn off.  If you’re not in tune with non verbal communication, if you’re being well received, and you can’t pick up the nuances in your interactions with someone, nothing is going to help you.  It’s probably not going that well.  2.  This goes back to that lack of confidence and inability to be assertive.  3.  The best rebound would have been to politely suggest a shower or hot back, or to join me and scrub my back, or suggest we could get each other clean… have some clean fun, whatever.  I still would have said no.  But in general that would have been the best way to turn it around and idk… check yourself before you wreck yourself.  So I have to figure out dinner.  We get pho, he really really likes the Vietnamese beef carpaccio.  Thank Satan.  He mentions how much of a carnivore he is.  Cool story bro?  We get to the Rio and see Penn & Teller.  This is a damn good show, the tricks are fun, sometimes I felt like I was in atheist church and felt very at home, there was even a song with Laurence Krauss in it!  I am a huge fan.  There was one trick exposing how cold readings worked and books were being passed around the audience.  The third book ended up on his lap.  He went up on stage!  He was actually cool about it and got the envelope with the paper to take as a souvenir, that was really awesome.  We drive up the strip after so he sees it, I explained it’s better than walking it and he missed nothing.  We go back to the room and watch more Hunter X Hunter.

It’s Sunday, and idfk what to do.  I ask what he feels like, he says  “I don’t know” for the millionth time.  I keep thinking of different things but keep circling back to Mon Ami Gabi because of the buttery buttery steak.  Through this food circle in my head I discover while he doesn’t partake in my preferred method of caffeine consumption, which is fine, he’s apparently very fond of energy drinks.  Which I find absolutely disgusting.  I have one, the white monster, at the start of a cross state road trip.  So like once or twice a year, and that’s only sometimes.  It’s processed junk. But to consume that on the daily and in quantity.  I start to wonder if this is why even though it’s subtle, this why I find his scent unpleasant.  It’s all processed and chemically.   While describing the baked goat cheese and tomato thing Jovi got me hooked on, he mentions his dislike of goat cheese.  I immediately call that out and confirmed he’d only had feta and that’s nothing like what I’m talking about.  The thing I’m talking about is like your love of pizza x 1000, and then still better.  It’s one of the best cheats ever.  To his credit, despite all the “I don’t knows” over the entire weekend, whenever I came up with an idea, he never shot it down and just went for it.  He completely trusted my suggestions despite not enjoying the first one.  So we end up at the only place on the strip I feel is worth the hassle to visit and get the amazing dish and the buttery buttery steak.  While looking at drinks I asked if we wanted to share a carafe of something and he was cool with it, then I decided not to do it since I was already gluten cheating that day.  He then said if I was abstaining he would.  Nah… that makes no sense.  I told him just because I wasn’t drinking doesn’t mean he had to skip, it’s his vacation and if he wanted moscato, or that ginger and jack thing he’d been drinking he should go for it… and then he said something along the lines of thanks for letting him know he could get whatever he wanted and how usually the other person doesn’t try to control him “until after we’ve slept together.” Whoa.  I’m pretty sure that was A) a shot at his ex(es), B) an indirect shot at me (btw you can’t put kindness coins in until sex falls out), and  C) that was passive aggressive and awkward as fuck.  So here I am backpedaling that bomb, making general statements like no one should try to control anyone at anytime regardless of anything.  Really… I should have let him drown.  I shouldn’t have said anything after that or tried to help him out.  But this is Mon Ami Gabi dammit and awesome food is about to come out and this is a really nice restaurant so, so I’ll do it to save the brunch.  I can’t even remember how I rebounded form that.  He ended up really enjoying the baked goat cheese tomato thing.  Because it’s amazing.  I asked him what his plans were after that, and we were already checked out of the hotel so I was hoping he was ready to go back home so I could go home and have some of my weekend to myself.  He said he was hoping to spend the next few hours with me unless I was planning on just leaving after this.  I asked what he wanted to do though, he didn’t know.  I said even my spontaneous voodoo was finite.  Then I thought about a movie and we went to go see The Martian.  It’s a really good movie, and it was later in the afternoon when we got out.  After chatting about how much we liked the film he started complaining about how the science started going downhill in the movie.  I said that’s pretty much Hollywood but just appreciate the movie for what it was.  He follows me to the gas station since he needed to fill up.  We part ways.  I’m almost home.  Omfg.

So had we of met before this I never would have thought of him as a potential for a fwb.  He’s fine to hang out with, in small doses.  I can’t take him seriously for multiple reasons.  There are personality clashes, and obviously my own biology is telling me to run for it.  There’s a tilt on idk if it’s cynicism, and every intelligent person has a healthy dose of that, but he was just negative, and unsure.  The personality thing, the lack of the things mentioned previously, and the failed attempts to compensate.  I said this was a time to chill and figure our dynamic out, not to put pressure or expectations on things.  He obviously failed that.  It’s not like I’m perfect,  I’m very very far from it, and very aware of my flaws, but this doesn’t work.  It’s not fun.  For an entire weekend, it’s painfully exhausting and I was drained.  Even if there was no sexual chemistry, or it was one sided, we still could have had a lot of fun without the awkward shit.  Some parts were still fun but it took more effort than it should have.  I reimbursed him for my ticket, he covered Friday night’s dinner so I covered Saturday.  We split the check Sunday morning.  I wanted everything to be equal.  I wanted to go dutch, I didn’t need any context here.  Just chill with me.  Lord.  I love Lo’s comment on how some people “didn’t pass the audition” and that’s why they don’t get a call back.  He never had the chance to audition in the first place.  I mentioned this to Tyler and he said it sounded like a beta male met an alpha female.  That’s not terminology I use but it cracks me up.  There’s probably some truth in his statement.  Whatever.

iPods, Facetime(?), Calligraphy & Music

I was messing with my old school 4th gen iPod from like 2004 except it was on this pink case and the little screen above the wheel had video capabilities and I’m guessing we were using Face time or whatever it’s called. The click wheel thing was gone too.. I think. I think it was something else but I’m not sure. I had like that and two phones, I think at least 4 devices on me. Maybe this was the weekend, Joshua was showing me a really nice kitchen through his phone, and had wine, and then pointed the camera at Anna and she waved, then his parents, then Kathryn.

I was digging through stuff around my desk, it had been a while since I’d been there and found drive kits under the desk in a box with other stuff where it didn’t belong so someone else was using the space. Later I went to some private music / calligraphy lesson and was playing with this wind up music box egg thing where on one side you could see the gears move like in a watch, and then after it started playing on the other side was a scenery that moved.  The figure inside wasn’t too happy and she deviated from what the box usually did. I think she was over it lol. The elderly gentleman giving the lesson was showing an example of how to write a C in calligraphy with all the whispy filigree.

In some other dream I was in some dim lit living room with some people and could hear this one chick singing in the shower at the top of her lungs and it was terrible and I’m sure the terribleness was on purpose and I called her ratchet. Someone said to take that back and I was like what its not that bad. Then we were at a park and I tried making some gesture to throw the olive branch by offering to get us food or drinks or something, they declined and were heading out since the sun was setting. I was talking with Angela and she had to go since her dog was waiting for her. I think the dream assigned her dog the name Ishtar. Then I sat at a bench across from Kathryn and we were chatting. I asked if it were too late in the day for mimosas and cake and she said she’d love to but had to let her dog Isis out since she was waiting for her. Her dog may have been Ishtar and Angela’s may have been Isis. I’m not sure. Whoever had Ishtar endearingly shortened it to Ish. Kathryn looks like a tall lady in her pics, and my brain keeps comparing her height to Angela irl, I wonder if they’re around the same height or if Kathryns a little taller.  And they have no reason to ever interact but I think they’d get along well if they ever met.

I was in the house I grew up in during the evening and decided to put the washing machine into some kind of self cleaning mode, this steam cleaning it does to the whole system. I watched this metal a move around with some steam / pressure wash thing going on behind this glass wall and started to walk out of the kitchen but peeked back and saw the arm laser cutting the glass to get out, and it looked super Terminator so I ran to the front door, unlocked it, and ran outside trying to think which neighbor was more likely to have a gun. I thought of the neighbor around the corner but where the lot used to be was replaced with some children’s play area with the squishy floor and water fountains like they have at Tempe Marketplace and Town Square. I ran to the next open area and it was filled in with the same thing.

Anne and I were walking around all these booths somewhere where there wasn’t much grass. I think it was midmorning but it was pretty overcast. It looked kind of like a college recruiting event except one of the booths was Twitter and I think they were recruiting. We heard this story of some AI that was in a SSD and could be transfered to other hardware that could move and do things. Like the drive was a brain that could sit in a mecha suit built out of computer components. I thought that was crazy. The guy talking about it said it was packaging itself up now to ship out. I guess it was purchased?

I can’t remember much of these dreams after this.

Drowning

I just woke up from this dream and I can’t stop crying. I feel like throwing up.

I was driving and dropped mom off at a cross walk and she was safely on the corner. I started driving toward another stop sign and the car in front of me stopped abruptly because there was like a foot of water ahead. It just stopped like reaching the ocean on a hill you were closer to the bottom of. The car in front of me happened to be facing me idk when they uturned but the terror in the other drivers eyes were all I needed to switch the car in reverse and slam the accelerator.  I kept looking ahead at that car coming near me, and the rushing water, while looking back at the car behind me trying to do what I’m doing only they aren’t as fast as me and  teuokf not to hit them. I’m frantically looking for mom anywhere to stop and grab her. As we’re approaching and passinf that street I see her and honk the horn for her to turn around and see it and run. Somehow it seems contained on the road and in the general area, it’s more steep than the sidewalk and shops. So I hope she runs east or west or whatever is perpendicular to the rushing water. Were finally driving under water trying to figure out how to get out.

The dream switched to some 3rd party perspective and mom was driving the Kia.  She was wearing an outfit with a black vest and cotton socks she wears IRL. She was driving with both hands on the wheel, looking at the stops under water, imagining the people that were in there. I mean I was, that was what my brain made us look at. She looked ahead on the road and above her and it was nothing but water.  Water way above her and way ahead of her and after her inspection, a visual “wow” in her facial expression, and that’s when she opened her mouth and exhaled.

I woke up with the thought of her giving up and drowning. I was in the same situation in the Kia and couldn’t save her, I was sure she was safer out of the car, out of the rushing water, and that’s the ending that woke me up. There were other in office dreams before that but fuck that. Fuck this. I’ve had bad dreams consistently for weeks. But. Fuck. Don’t take my mom away. I can’t handle the thought.

Approaching Halloween

Just wanted to throw a little update in here.  Been enjoying crafting a bit for Halloween.  I finished my ghosties and they’re ready to hang up tomorrow.  Cut out over half the bats from the black card stock I purchased, need to gather a couple more things.  Tea lights are in from Amazon tomorrow.  This is my first year getting to do this so I’m going all out in my last minute spontaneous capacity.  I *might* be overdoing this a little but it’s my first run so I wanna do it justice even if it’s not perfect, and I feel like I’m making up for all those years I didn’t get to do this as a kid/teenager/broke early 20-something goth chick.

Got homework done this weekend too.  Oh snap.

Oh yeah,  last night was Anne wifey’s Halloween party.  There was lots of alcohol and food, she really went for it.  I had a good time running around as death, and the 80’s hair would have done goth mom proud.  I wouldn’t have made it that high up if it weren’t for her teaching me. My hairs so fluffy I threw it up in a loose pony tail with a clip today, and I could spend a good 20 minutes just trying to wash all the aquanet (and fresh purple dye) out in the shower, or just dump more aquanet and go death rock tomorrow since it’s Halloween week, or try pulling some Blade Runner Rachael hair.  Idk yet.

Everyone is whining and freaking out over tonight’s TWD episode.  I should prolly hit that up now then pass out.  Oh and this is funny cause TWD got dumped on IT as a theme, well the same thing happened to sales. Everyone is gonna be a zombie.

I had no dreams to write about.  They’ve all been super stressful and related to work, or dealing with exes, or stupid stuff, and I keep waking up with teeth pain like I’m grinding teeth or clenching my jaw.  Have I mentioned that on here recently?

Conforming

I was in the office and he lync’d me about visiting. All I could think was not the next two days cause I already have plans, and it was Wednesday? He said he’d be in town tonight and tomorrow and I was all fuck, because I couldn’t back out of the things I planned over a month ago, not that I’d want to.

I explained briefly that sorry, I couldnt meet up. He then asked me for a favor in case this one guy at work threw a fit and he needed me to revise something. I was all sure. We talked about him flipping out over little things and I said the guy needed a script to calm down but forgot what it was.  Then we were sitting at lunch at a table outside and he mentioned it being nice and was glad I could make time for it today since it’d be the last.  He mentioned this strip he was gonna walk down to kill time but it was all goths and punks down there. This was LA. I guess I’d just moved to LA, and was a little overwhelmed at learning the new city and conforming, not only to the scene if I wanted to do well socially, but to the general population in that city. There was a guy sitting on a bench who looked kinda like Mendez, only closer in attire to my scene, he talked about the standards and how people automatically judge when things aren’t right. I showed a photo from when I went out a while ago and he said how my make up was on point but my hair wasn’t, it was mundane lol. And idk a lot about the crazy fluffy pinup or big hair, part of it from my hair being so thick curls would fall flat in 20 minutes. He mentioned part of it being cut, since my layers are blunt and choppy that would make it harder and to have my hair cut differently so it’d be easier. He mentioned getting a contact while working fast food and some guy was a stylist working two jobs. I asked for his info and took it down. We were now sitting in these chais indoors. Jamie was sitting next to Josh in chairs against the other wall. I asked a question while commenting on something and it was directed at Josh but he ignored it so I pretended I didn’t ask and kept going on my info gathering. Jamie called him out on not answering and he said he’d missed it since he was paying attention to the phone in his hand.

There was a group of ladies coming into the room for their meeting so we had to leave. Everyone left and I was sitting on another bench across from dad talking about how I was nervous because I never had to learn Phoenix, never had to conform to it. It taught me since I grew up there, and other places like Tucson took their cues from Phoenix, they were sister scenes. Vegas was so small and unestablished it didn’t matter where you started.  Was I talking about the goth scene now or the IT industry?  Having to relearn how to interact with the things I wanted in a new place, they were one in the same.  We were moving like we were in a train or something but we weren’t, and the buildings became unstable as we slowly passed them until they started to crumble. We stood up and saw the road falling up ahead like we were about to go over a water fall or slam into one of the buildings. So we jumped and ended up on the 3rd floor of some building, maybe an apartment building? Another jump down looked so far away and I suggested walking to find stairs or an elevator.

Irl I’ve been stressed because I have a friend visiting me from Phoenix, not this weekend, but next weekend, which is a week earlier from when Josh estimates he might be out here. With my luck I’ve been concerned they’d both end up visiting at the same time, and the first visits been planned out for over a month and I can’t ditch them for a conversation no matter how much I’d like to have it. I really hope that doesn’t happen.

Friendly fire

I don’t think I’ve ever pulled a muscle this bad before, that I can remember anyway.  It’s kind of sad and kind of funny.  That + the rain the last few days + fibro, and the usual emotion and stress haven’t been a fun ride.  On a side note I had a dream I traded in my forte for a red challenger.  This officially mentions something that happened in a dream. Yay.

I’ve been talking a friend through a pseudo half ass break up – break up they’ve been subjected to in slow motion.  It’s been hard for them, I’ve been telling them what I’ve been telling myself for a while.  It doesn’t make anything easier, but we all hope reason and logic will get us through and at least take the edge off.  I thought about Jay, and how I felt if I could get through that, I could get through anything.  Even though everything is different, still.  There is proof of some resilience in the past.  I learned many lessons there, first of all not to let someone exploit me financially, or for other resources while manipulating me and my perspectives on reality.  I had to learn the first part of that a second time through the one night stand that wouldn’t go away.  My defenses were already down when we met, but I sure learned it then.  The second big thing was finding the line between compromising with someone, and when it crossed into compromising yourself.  I did things I never thought I was capable of, and that’s not necessarily bad, but there were times I also questions my own ethics.  I guess that’s fine when you can reinforce or change them, without doing it for the sake of a loophole.  What I didn’t learn the first time around, was not to chase after a dream with a man who doesn’t want the same future as you.  Even if the words are there, or there is intermittent encouragement/discouragement, or anything else, when the hard no’s start, it’s time to stop.  I had to learn that this time, no matter how heartbreaking it is for me.  I was proud of myself for stopping some patterns while not acknowledging I was in another.  I can see it, and it’s a good step.

I listened to my friend talk about his not believing he can handle it again.  He doesn’t want to go through this pain again, he doesn’t want to fall in love again.  He doesn’t want to be alone.  I think we all have habits to hold on to things that aren’t working for us because of these fears.  He’s tried so many times and it hasn’t worked.  Each time is different, each time we build ourselves back up, and each time it feels like we fall harder because we thought this time we got it right.  This time there were no conditions, this time we felt limitless with this person.  This time it wasn’t “I would do anything for you,” it became “I can do anything with you.”  I try to remind myself that I never knew the time frames, or when or how, but every time I let go of something that held me down, it actually got better.  It’s almost like science.  I’d rather say that because I’m not going with fate here.  I’m trying to get him to not already doom the future and take it day by day.  We’re both logic driven atheists who yell for science.  We’re emotionally driven and passionate people and when we give ourselves we don’t hold back.  We try not to be pessimists but we battle our own demons like depression and other stuff.  So what’s the worst that could happen?  I asked him this since I asked myself.  Later I meet someone who dreams the same dreams I do?  And we’re both in it?  Or even better, I’m happy and content on my own, and I don’t wake up lonely anymore.   I was there last spring.  I can get there again.  I can date myself, buy myself shiny things and take myself out on nice dates.  I’m hoping he becomes content with his own company too, I know it’s already difficult before adding the emotional fallout.

I listened to my friend talk about their ex keeping them on a string, how she’s not ready but still loves him, but lacks life experience.  She isn’t ready to let go, but she’s not ready to commit.  I’m watching this tear him apart.  He loves her, he’s invested, and he doesn’t know if this is the time to keep fighting or walk.  It’s really hard to tell.  But I know it’s impacting his depression and anxiety, and I hate seeing this happen to a friend.  I know this isn’t what she wants, but she’s so selfish that she’s causing him pain, and it’s not the intention but the actions that matter now.  The situations are different but the results are similar.  It’s pain, it’s unreciprocated willingness to take action despite the emotion being there, which is a terrible thing to live through.  It’s probably just as bad on the other side as it is to be on this side.  But who can really know.  I never expected to love someone unavailable.  I know my friend never expected someone to love him back but then decide to break it off and start seeing someone immediately as a scapegoat because she feared where things were going.. she recently admitted this.  It’s not healthy for either of them.

This isn’t healthy for me or you.  I never changed emotionally.  My wants and desires remained the same.  It’s my desperate need for self preservation that escalated, urgently, loud and clear.  I’ve asked too much of myself to keep going this long.  I tried to change my perspectives to take the less extreme route.  I tried to figure out everything I could do on my end to make “it” work and when I got the message it wouldn’t, tried to protect me.  Tried to transition whatever “us” was to what it “should” be.   I know speculation is dangerous, and I’ve already been accused of jumping to conclusions and being overzealous.. I also recognize I’ve been conditioned to act out this way, it’s circumstances.  I’m not a fan of nitpicking or being defensive, or dealing with defensive responses.  I had to think about what you’d have to say in person that I wouldn’t like, what you’d feel needed to be said face to face, and I figured it out.  I would have appreciated a phone call.  Don’t twist my words and say I don’t think you’re worth seeing “as friends.”  I got it though. We don’t need to hurt anymore.

Hammock

None of my dreams have been worth committing to long term memory, a lot of them have been stressful or sad and painful. At least this afternoon I had a nice nap while it was raining. We were cuddled up in a hammock and it was breezy. We were at some resort on the coast but there was still a pool nearby.  Why can’t it be like this in real life? *sigh*

The new guy

Omg I’m exhausted, I went to bed at like 9:40… I went to bed 10 hours ago, why am I not caught up on sleep yet?  Even my dreams are making fun of this.  I had a few throughout the night but just woke up from one where I was in the office, but it looked completely different.  Carpet was different, the desks, etc.  I was getting annoyed with this bench and decided to move it and go hit up Shane to find out where the other office chairs were.  I was carrying it and this chick at the end of a row was in my way, then gave me this look and I gave one back so she’d move.  When I was making my way back to IT’s area through this narrow aisle TSO was all hey I want you to meet so and so and I was like okay?  He’s our new Sr. TSE and I was like got it, hi, hello.  He shook my hand and I was thinking if you’re going to reach out for my hand at least mean it, I hate it when people reach out to shake your hand and they’re shitty at it.  Then he stepped down from where he was at, the floor was kind of uneven.  This guy was hot, I forgot his name, but he was stupid hot.  He looked like Joe Manganiello.  I noticed Jason was at my computer and realized I must have left it unlocked cause I was tired, I never fucking do that.  I’ve never done it once.  That’s been a friable offence in so many offices I’ve been in and you don’t want anyone going through your computer anyway.  I went up to my computer and made him move, my background was all green and I was all it should be red.  My gaming laptop was docked in with the two other monitors above it.  The row was making some weird L and TSO was at his computer talking, the new guy stood next to me and grabbed the mouse in his left hand to fix some setting then put his right arm around me and placed his hand on my hip.  I was thinking this can’t actually be… Imma leave that there.  This was like that one time I went clubbing in 2013.  Omg.  At least I was cute.  I was wearing the black knit dress I got from Nordstrom and the black suede lace up wedges Anne bought right before her trip to Philly.  Those shoes are so not my style. Still cute, but not for me.  I couldn’t change how something looked in some home brew proprietary site we were in and he was able to run through it and mentioned how he got into coding as a hobby in college.  I was thinking how I wanted to hate him but at the same time I couldn’t cause he was helping me and he’s pretty and his hand is on me and I leaned in earlier so I hope he got the message.  He should just follow me somewhere, just follow me.  Idk where yet, it doesn’t matter. lol

TSO started firing off a bunch of settings I needed and how it should display like I’d ever remember it all, and at least if it were through an IM I could scroll up and make those changes one by one but I just stared  at him like… I’m not going to remember all that.  He does that to people. He did mention in the dream how we were pretty tired and a few of us were waking up at night.  Strange.  Also, well played dream.  Anyway…

I get what’s going on irl, they’re hiring Sr. titles straight up under my group and are specifically looking for people with scripting knowledge to fill those roles.  I’ve always known scripting would be beneficial to know, I never thought not having this skill set would completely fuck me over.  It’s become apparent why I got a raise recently but not a promotion like a couple of the TSA’s in the company did, even though we’re all taking on a greater work load.  I don’t have the mindset for it and coding isn’t my passion, I’d rather do more of what infra does but I can’t even transition into sys eng and two of them were just hired in my office and the new one in another state.  If it weren’t for university I’d be actively trying to find another company right now.  But it’s been so busy last week and this week I haven’t studied.  Omg I feel trapped.

Tattoos

So this was an interesting dream this morning.  I was about to get my right leg tattooed, a part of it was already blacked out for canvas, like when an entire area is already tattooed black and then scarification designs are done on top of it, or I think white ink is tattooed on top after it heals, usually there’s some kind of negative space.  But anyway, this was like some cover up operation, I had two decently sized tattoos on my  left leg on my calf, and it was the same tattoo twice like it was stamped but it wasn’t originally mine.  It was like a friend’s tattoo was accidentally stamped on me twice or like they went through the needles but the design still showed up on me too.  Anyway,  I was on this table and this lady was looking at my right leg and that black space, I thought she was going to do something geometrical and use blue colors.  She started painting a concept over the space to make sure I liked it first and to give her a guide, when I looked down there were oranges and yellows and the black became silhouettes or the shadows of a gate and tombstones, thin crosses.  It looked like a graveyard at sunset.  I was stunned, it was much better than I expected it to turn out and these are colors I never considered irl.  She kept layering on top of it and added clouds, a broken statue, and other details.  I said it was very appropriate for this time of year, and it was artwork.  I woke up before we actually started committing it to skin.

I was out somewhere with a group of friends, BB and their aikido group, idk where we were but another person and I were chillin in a shallow pool and there were trees in the area.  Over a wall was a hill… but it was going down so I guess we were on a hill.  I was on a laptop going through profiles and it was almost like a corporate sponsored fb, like back when fb was specifically for university students.  The pages were kind of like photo galleries at the top with pictures that changed after a few seconds.  There was a candid shot of a group out somewhere and Katherine was facing the camera laughing, and Anna was wearing a hat and had her back to the camera.

I had another dream before I woke up around 6am where I was in some super plush room… idk how else to put that.  The bedding, comforter, curtains, linens, all so fluffy and flowy.  I was in a grayish graphite shiny dress and was finding tiny little metallic gray boxes around the room with bows on them.  I kept finding little presents, but I can’t remember what was in them.

Embers

Didn’t fall asleep until after 1am and pretty sure I woke up every 30 minutes after that until my alarm went off at 7:30… tried to buy myself an extra 30 minutes… did not matter.  Most of my dreams have been work related lately, and I know that’s usually a bad sign and it’s a form of stress dreaming.. from the csv dream, to another one at the office, to another one fighting the FedEx account, which all happened earlier the same day said dream happened.  I vaguely remember a dream this morning and Anne’s cat Zuko was in it.  Yesterday when I was hanging out with Tyler, I picked up Zuko and put him on my lap.  He’s been unhappy while she’s been on vacation back east and was chilling on my lap taking all the lovins and attention he could get until Natalie came home with a work friend then he jumped up on top of the couch, growled, and ran off.  I didn’t know cats could growl like that, I was expecting a hiss that didn’t happen, but apparently he thinks he’s a dog sometimes because he grew up around 2 of them and now there are 4.  The patterns this week seems like if I did it, my brain will dream about it later that night.  So with that logic if I’d spent the weekend having sex, all I would have had were sex dreams.  What a waste.  But it’s been weird and mundane, at least nothing scary, it’s just repetitive.  The other day, since Josh has been having all the good dreams, I thought maybe he stole some dream voodoo from me for a while, but that’s okay cause I’d hear about them anyway.  Sometimes when I get out of some crazy things that could have been really bad I wonder if I borrowed some of his luck.

It’s been raining all night and it’s pretty dim outside.  I’m so tired, glad I made it back to barre yesterday, still haven’t done any homework, did some gaming officially this year.  My mentor at the university is going to be disappoint.. this sucks.  I wish I could figure out the perfect balance of work, school, sleep, barre, foods, sex, social, and have enough time for entertainment and unwinding do catch up on shows and anime and manga and game, and in game socializing in an mmo that’s fun can cover me here.  Going out in this town sucks and even if I were still in Phoenix I’m over it.  I’d rather hang out online with people I like.  I’d rather game with Mel and Chris.  So if you’re reading this start XIV back up and I’ll join you. At least we’re in the same timezone. lol

I was thinking about when he was giving me a massage, Tyler asked what was bothering me and I said my sinuses were a little congested, and he was all no what’s bothering you emotionally?  and I was all oh and paused for a minute.  He said the rest of my body was ice cold and my solar plexus was on fire.  I said maybe it was the chili rellano and carne asada taco from earlier as a joke and he was all noo food won’t do that.  I was denying stuff because I didn’t feel like divulging what I’ve been going over in my head.  I have been keeping my mouth shut about how I’ve been feeling with everything, and I write it out in here when I need to at least try and get it out of my system.  I thought I was adjusting into fall alright and then it started raining.  I forgot there was some snow on the mountain in my dream this morning too.  That’s entirely possible irl right now.  It’s also hard to tell what to expect because it can get in the 60’s and 70’s then be back up in the 90’s by the end of the week, and that back and forth without a transition sucks.  Idk why I pushed so hard yesterday at barre but I did and now my left leg is cramping.  I’d probably be way worse without the massage so I’m glad that happened yesterday.  The not sleeping well hasn’t been helping, I thought at least fixing my diet and strictly being gluten free this last week would help with some of the fatigue and aches, and it’s only been a day but usually barre helps me sleep better at night.

I feel irrational because I think things that are bothering me shouldn’t be.  It’s not a constant, it’s like a little program running in the background.  He made the comment regarding the dreams and how he needed to get laid and that would probably fix it, and that did break my brain because he lives with a gf and it doesn’t matter.  That sounds so broken, my brain doesn’t get it, and his response that she’s still asleep while he makes breakfast and it’s essentially noon.  There’s nothing wrong with sleeping in and having different schedules, but how do you not find time to connect?  I’m pretty sure that’s on her end.  It’s so off on so many levels, and I know what I said previously and I stand by it and in my mind I am done done, but a little ember that’s left in me still gives a fuck and is angry at this.  That he’s accepted this, and then I have a very selfish drive of my own.  He could have it so much better, I could have it so much better.  We.  Us.  There is no us. We are not a thing.  I’m still waiting for this ember to go out without having to smother it and feel suffocated.  We’re transitioning.  I’m trying to give it time, and to be accepting.  This fire inside is struggling to stay and struggling to go, and I am burning up inside, I guess that’s the heat Tyler was feeling.  I swear I’m still an atheist, it’s just an interesting take on things, and maybe that’s his way of saying it’s his intuition.  Change is extremely difficult, this one is no exception.

Cities that disappear when you blink

I haven’t been sleeping much lately… because of the waking up a lot.. and the getting home later and not being able to fall asleep immediately.  I remembered a dream when I was driving to work this morning, it was kind of bad timing due to the content of the dream.

I went somewhere and was going to visit Mel but someone else was sitting in a recliner in front of me.  She kind of looked like Mel but something was off, and when I listened to her speak I noticed her cadence and speech patterns were different.  We ended up leaving and were in a car, she was driving and I was in the back seat.  As we passed some building she mentioned going there and I said it didn’t really sound fun, but then I realized I didn’t know where she was taking me and it didn’t feel right, I wondered what happened to Mel, and as we kept going toward the city I noticed all the lights were out and the buildings were like shadows.  It’s kind of like driving on the i-10 east bound towards Phoenix, you can see downtown to the right, and uptown to the left.  The freeway splits right between the two, and everything was off.  But this city was larger, like LA.  Anyway, when I noticed everything was off I mentioned it and we stopped on the road, then there was a bunch of dust and all the buildings collapsed.  I realized I was in the back on my lancer and ducked thinking this was it.  I either wanted to survive or I wanted to die quickly.

And that is the part of the dream I remembered while I was driving to work this morning and could see the strip to the left, all I thought while looking at it was… that’s tiny.  I wouldn’t be nearly as destructive.  Ugh.

The dream kept going after that.  I was in some run down apartment and people were around, this one lady had a tiny dog, and we were sitting around in front of an old CRT TV but I wasn’t sure if it was due to boredom or if we were trying to get some kind of news.  I was sitting on a mattress on the floor and Brandon was sitting on it behind me.  I looked down and noticed there was blood on my legs but I wasn’t sure if I was cut somewhere or if it was period blood or if it was even mine.  That’s all I can remember from this morning.