SUGARCOATED EVIL

Closure is rare, messy, and never what you expect… if it ever shows up at all. Confirmation this morning that would have devastated me a year ago, or a few months ago, was welcome news today.  Idk how to describe this feeling, I might experience an emotional rollercoaster for the next couple days, but this is the closest thing to closure I’ve had in years and I feel like I just exhaled.

Once upon a time I wanted to be the one, but it’s genuinely okay that I’m not.  It’s better this way. This hasn’t mattered for a long time, the stress and loneliness has exacerbated heartbreak for way longer than it should have lasted, even if it ebbed and flowed despite my efforts to move on.   I couldn’t speculate and kill myself anymore.  And the part of me that’s been stunted for the last few years made a move towards catching up with the rest of the progressive I’ve had over time.

There’s not enough investment to hate, or hold anything inside other than indifference.  It is what it is. 

I’m not ready to drive across the country again. Tomorrow is going to be the 4th trip since November 2nd. It’s the 5th drive if you count coming back from Blackhat in August.

We were supposed to go today but are delayed till tomorrow. I’m dying. I feel weak and am hoping I’m not getting sick. Moms wiped out and I’m worried about her health now too.

“I think the hardest part of letting go of an old relationship is letting go of the idea that you will receive any form of contrition, absolution, apology, appreciation, satisfaction, etc from that person. Letting go includes letting go of the idea that that person will see things from your perspective and feel the need to contact you about it. Sure, rarely this occurs, maybe they got into AA and some forcing function encouraged them but it’s unlikely. So it’s a fairy tale we often subconsciously believe in. This fairy tale traps a part of us from moving on.”

Well I’m in a weird place mentally and emotionally. Idk what to call it.  Everything’s still on fire but it’s some sustained slow burn now. Courts tomorrow. In the meantime I’m reading docs and learning ish for the new team. I’ve been so busy responding to crisis after crisis you’d think a break would be welcome, but all my downtime has been turning into some obsession about the past and a trip to depression land. What is even happening anymore?

I think I’m managing the current circumstances pretty well.

It’s the downtime I’m having trouble with. I thought I emotionally moved on (in whole) from a toxic relationship. We still cared about each other when I cut it off. It doesn’t feel strong, it feels weak. I’ve taken other jobs and moved along in my career, moved across the country, met amazing new friends and held on to old friendships that I still keep close to my heart. I’ve dated off and on during this time and have had to learn not to hermit, and how to give everyone a clean slate instead of carrying bias from the past. I’ve been single for a long time and I go back and forth between not knowing how to change that to not being sure if I really don’t want to change that or if it’s denial and fear. Fear I can’t handle it, fear I don’t have a choice, or fear that when I do find it I won’t recognize it or I’ll screw it up. Also with everything that’s going on it’s not even close to being a priority. I’ve been lonely, but I won’t jump into something just to fill some void. I’d rather be lonely than be in a relationship for the wrong reason. And I didn’t see that rant coming. 

I keep going for walks with the past in my head.  It’s been maddening.  So has the immense physical pain I’ve been feeling for days. I can’t wait to get this mitigated… at least I hope it can be. 

I forgot I could get this depressed (not really), there’s more going on than I can deal with long term. I know it’s not sustainable, it’s not supposed to be, but I don’t see a break in this anytime soon. The exhaustion’s not helping.  Driving cross country is hard, doing it three times in under a month is crazy but there isn’t really a choice. 

I wish I could have good dreams that wouldn’t break my heart when I wake up.

For the longest time you were my dream.

Well intended friend: “When you come out on the other side of this, you are going to one strong, independent force to be reckoned with.”

Me: “I thought I already did that when I broke up with a bf of three years and lost my job a week later in 2012, and then moved into a toxic roommate sitution and into a bad job the same quarter, or with not dying in 2013, or getting strong enough to go back to work in 2014, or going back to university in 2015, or having my heart broken and then moving across the country in 2016, or getting through a year of harassment in 2017 and somehow managing to keep my job. I’m over it. I’m tired of shit piling. Not having time to repair, will degrade any bridge over time.”

I fucking hate that expression, or mentality. I get people are usually well intended but it’s the worst thing they can say, and this was a super high level overview, and I could have started at 2005 instead of 2012. I could have gone further back than that. Ffs.

I wish I hadn’t looked, Utada Hikaru’s tour in Japan is happening now. Idk if she’ll do anything in the US or internationally. Her music held a lot significance and sentiment over the years, and eventually became synonymous with a heartache that took years to not sting so hard. Knowing you’re not right for each other doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve moved forward in so many ways the last couple years, but sometimes feel like I’ve been standing still this whole time. Being back in Vegas to handle this situation while trying to strategize my Seattle life has been beyond daunting. My mom is my priority right now. I need her to be okay. But trying to hold everything up and looking for a distraction, only for my mind to wander into the past isn’t helping. I miss a very specific warmth and comfort in my life.

It’s been one hell of a day/night in Vegas. Trying to make the best of being delayed from returning to WA and went up the mountain today for hot chocolate. A friend posted about a show and I decided to see if I could find a last minute ticket, it worked out. Then we went to the goth club’s 7 year anniversary thing. Best friend and I dipped out for Thai and randomly ended up singing karaoke. I got a lot of complements tonight. It was weird. I’m exhausted, the suns probably gonna come up soon. My stomachs messed up from stress. My life is on fire. But this was a nice distraction for a bit. Idk when I’m driving out.

The associations here are still so strong.

I drove here a week ago due to a family emergency and don’t know when I’m driving back or which route I want to take. I wanted to go up to SF and the up the 5 like last time, but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea with the fires in CA. There’s also snow through ID though. And whenever I decide to go, if I went with the original route in mind, Idk if you’d want me to reach out to you. Idk if you’d ever want to see me, or if you did a better job than I did and managed to erase me.

TBM was amazing. Not sick anymore but still exhausted and recovering. It takes forever to get over fatigue from illness.

Idk what I’m doing here. Reality is mimicking television and that’s a problem. Seattle feels wrong.

My body is revolting against me. It’s never been the healthiest system but lately it’s been bad. I think I’ve been awake an accumulative 10 hours over the last 48, and the longest stints were in two hour increments at urgent care and while acquiring food. Otherwise it’s been small spurts to drink water or down NSAIDs.

This is day 3 of this bedridden bs, day 2 on antibiotics… I hate antibiotics. It took months on two different probiotics to fix some crazy gut issues and now they’re all getting massacred. I’m still taking them at night and hoping it still spaced out far enough from the antibiotics to not be pointless, maybe I can rebuild faster this time. Idk. I can’t handle pneumonia vaccines. This is a bad reaction like last year, and it caused a secondary infection, and I caught a cold for the first time in two years at the same time. Fuck. All. Of. This. I’ve been up for two hours today and already feel too weak to stay awake.

Yesterday I made a joke about having to pull myself from the network and install malware, then spent days in safe mode while scrubbing this shit from my system. It’s a slow and agonizing process. It feels like the end is never coming. My arm is still red, hot, the skins still raised up, and it hasn’t shrunk from the second outline I penned yesterday.

I’m just laying in bed complaining. This is day three in isolation. When I posted the analogy the other day about never getting used to hunger and how that’s what starving for affection feels like. I thought about how illness really compounds the loneliness. I wish someone was here to comfort me, hold me for a few minutes while I pass back out before they get back up and go do their thing. I haven’t had that kind of support in forever, and even when I did it was never right anyway. My track record is shit. I’ve expended so much mental energy into trying to ignore, deny, or pursue this lack of intimacy in my life. And it makes me feel like I’ve wasted years, and not just on that. I’ve been in survival mode for years professionally, I have a couple months here and there that look like something better but I haven’t had any real growth, or anything to show for the last couple years. It bothers me. It makes me question the choices I’ve made, the directions I’ve pursued, if I’m on the right path. Wtf can I do different or “extra” when I’m already running on deficits? There were deficits before I got viral sick and vaccine reaction sick and on antibiotics due to skin infection sick. I haven’t felt super absorbed and passionate about anything I’ve personally done in years. It’s probably why there’s been this unsteady contrast. I go to a couple shows when I’m well enough and the live music and interactions with the crowds are so good they’re life affirming events. It’s immersive but still indirect. I need something from within. I’ve always thought of myself as a passionate person who wasn’t afraid to take leaps. Where did that go? I am the walking dead. I can’t even manage that right now since I’m still bedridden. Ugh

QOTD: “No one eventually gets used to hunger, they just progressively become more malnourished.”

This was an analogy regarding the lack of affection and intimacy. I don’t think anyone ever gets used to it, it’s just sometimes they have an easier time holding it down and sometimes the struggle is overwhelming.

Saw Flight Facilities this evening. Almost didn’t see them with having a bad day and then leaving my wallet in my backpack and having to go back home for it. The show was great, they’re amazing live, and I’m glad I still grabbed something to eat before going.

I wish you were here to see TBM on the 13th.

I wish you were here.

This feels like a slow drowning. Everything is on fire, and it’s been like this for a while but the resilience I was lucky enough to have for a while isn’t holding on.

I asked my friends online if they believed in a “calling,” or “finding ones calling,” and said I would have a difficult and rambly time trying to articulate this one. Whether religious or not, have they ever felt they’d found that calling or were they searching for it? I guess some people reference this as purpose or passion too. I’ve also seen some articles come out recently saying searching out or chasing unknown passions was dangerous instead of chasing exposure and experience, and then figuring out what you’re good at and like and then developing it into a passion. Opinions are fun.

Some friends gave their input on having no clue, or knowing they’d always want to be a parent, always wanted to help people and some chose the medical field, etc. One friend said “A calling is something that stirs you in a place deep inside. Even without putting religious overtones to it. Your calling doesn’t need to be your job/career. It can be a hobby, family, or any other thing that pulls your heart to it. Something that makes you want to put an effort forward to accomplish what must be accomplished for it.”

Great. There’s been this ongoing void in a few areas for a while but my professional life’s is on fire. I’m still at the same company and haven’t found another team to move to internally or externally. I am still working for the boss that harassed me in the interim, and he’s backed off since I won the appeal but this stress is wiping me out, and I know there’s this disparity between my tenure and skill sets after being held back for over a year that’s making this a bigger obstacle. More than one person in my chain who was supposed to help me and mentor me, whether as a senior team member, or the boss, has done more than let me down, they’ve been of the opinion I’m not worthy of my title, incapable, and I set out to prove them wrong. I could only ramp up so far though, and do need a supportive environment to develop into a better professional, it’s made me wonder if they’ve bled me out enough while fighting for survival that I’ve got nothing left to show when I try to climb into another opportunity. Idk if I’m discouraged and feel like giving up because I suck at this, or if it’s all circumstances, or a little A and a little B.

I keep getting stuck in catch22’s. Is it worth it? It’s like trying to climb up a cliff during a landslide. What else would I do? Where else can I make this kind of money? And I hate how my successes and “failures” have been mostly dependent on my male leadership. It’s within the good graces of two male leaders that I’ve made two great jumps in my career, and the abuses of four male leaders that I’ve suffered stagnation, stress, health problems, and financial losses through no advancement or promotion. And I get everyone goes through shit and every job has stress, but to see that dependency and to be able to draw it out on a timeline is enraging. This feels hopeless. So many women have dropped out of STEM roles because the harassment wasn’t worth it. I don’t want to be in that statistic. I don’t know how to keep going.

Of course someone had to back into my car today. GDI.

Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself.

I know I still look good for my age, but I can tell in the mirror, stress from this last year aged me.

My mother called me yesterday afternoon to tell me how precious I was to her. She’d been listening to a sermon about loss, like losing a child and some other traumatic events that happen in life, and I forgot the rest. But she said she thought about the heartbreak she endured from losing my sister and then how it all turned around after me. I always feel like an inadequate consolation whenever this comes up, and the one time I expressed that she wasn’t too happy about it and said of course not, I am a wonderful daughter. She points out how I’ve always tried my best and keep pushing despite crazy medical ish or professional hurdles like bosses who’ve tried to get rid of me… and failed. I mean acknowledging that last parts kind of satisfying because I’ve won some crazy things, but I shouldn’t have had to go through those battles in the first place. Life is unfair, and I get it. I cried so much yesterday. I didn’t say anything about it. I had a pounding headache, my eyes burned. I slept a lot last night, it was very restless though. I feel like no matter how hard I fight to distract myself or keep up with my insanely busy life, I keep getting sucked back in… and Idk how mom knew to call right that that moment, but I felt really bad and really good when I heard from her. I keep thinking about the trip next month and driving through SF on my way to Phoenix. Idk if I should say anything. I’ve already said too much. I’ve already crossed lines. If I keep falling where I want to opt out, why do I keep struggling in it? This is painfully frustrating and I am so aggravated with myself.