Thorns In My Side

It seems the busier I get keeping everything going, putting our fires, attempting to balance obligation and my own health… when they’re constantly fighting for priority, means I’ve been quiet online. I even took a break from social media for a short period, which was new, and not bad, but there were some people I had no idea how to contact during that time and that’s not good.

Last week was a lot of bs dealing with divorce and legalities, driving over 3k miles, seeing my own personal property rummaged through and my own designated space violated. I’m so mad, I don’t even know how to process it, I couldn’t even form words while surveying the damage, there was no way to articulate anything, and what good would it do? I want this huge overarching thing to be done so I don’t have to waste time and brain cycles on it.

This evening was strange, I was enduring a painful (but necessary) massage after being gone for a while, and my hips were pretty much locked up from being so tight, everything was bad from being in the car for so long that it’s been painful and difficult to walk for the last few days. I started spacing out after a few deep breaths, I was going in and out of consciousness, and then for some reason tried to quantify everything that’s been going on over the last 6 months, the last year. Things that have lingered, things that have concluded, people, situations, birthdays.

I started with December, and moved through 2018, then thought about the previous year and the workplace harassment and abusive treatment. I survived it, only to take on new / different things to overcome, yet again. I’m tired. I’m always tired. But I thought about last summer, my brains jumping back and forth. Last summer, despite all the bs I managed to volunteer the convention and enjoy the one that followed. I ran into some weird situations with people but I was able to laugh it off. With 2017, I was still adjusting to another place, still heartbroken, still feeling like a ghost in my own life, still unsure if I’d make it at my new company, but trying to explore the region and make the best of it. I had some one night stands, which I don’t regret, I’d just prefer they worked out better and in a way that would entice me to want to do it again. I’ve complained about people treating others as disposable, and I’ve never outright ghosted anyone, but I’ve been quick to drop off and hadn’t realized that until recently.

2016, I left Vegas at the 3 year mark like I said I would in 2013, I had no idea how it would happen but somehow it did! And despite Seattle not feeling like forever, I regret nothing. It was the right move for me, and I’ve met some wonderful people here (even if it is hard to coordinate and we all hermit up here a considerable amount compared to the desert). I hadn’t felt so light and unburdened since that time I was laid off, that just feels like privilege talking, because I didn’t have to worry about a roof over my head and I had some cash to handle whatever I needed. It was like a mini circumstantial vacation, and I took full advantage of it, going to LA and to music festivals, seeing friends, going back to AZ to visit friends, sleeping in, omg sleeping in. Before that lay off every day was uncertain and stressful and full of corporate bs. I hate admitting that going through all that bs the first half of 2016 got me to look at the last year and say “this isn’t my first rodeo.” The last years circumstances were actually worse, I had no insight, no solidarity, and was wading through this by myself, but seeing this corporate bs previously helped me navigate and survive. Even though it seems trivial, little experience is better than nothing to go off of, and this hasn’t been a theme going forward. This year’s world shattering events are trivial after a few moon cycles. 2016 felt like it had a lot of growing pains though, and that definitely bled into the next year.

2015, I keep thinking of past Defcon’s, I guess because it’s my happy place. Outside of little sparks of happiness I sought out and tried to cling to, I was miserable and lonely and missing someone everyday. I was a fool, I knew I was the fool then, but emotions aren’t rational. Even if it didn’t go both ways, my feelings were genuine on my side, and I refuse to keep beating myself up for being authentic. This ones not on me, just the fact that I tried so hard for so long for the wrong person and for all the wrong reasons. I remembered being very pretty with shorter purple hair in a dress with a halter top in a photo in front of a painting in a hotel room. That image stands out, it visually represents the year for me. Honestly it wasn’t bad year either.

2014 started off low pressure. I didn’t have a focus, it was just on survival and improvement, I got my health in order and I know that was a lot of effort and a lot of luck. I went back to work, i started venturing out and made friends. I had reconciled with my mother after having a strained relationship over the past decade. And I liked my job and the routines in the first half of the year. I met someone who honestly influenced the rest of my life, and I hate giving that much credit. To be fair there’s good and bad. Good for my career, this helped me shift into my current focus. But it’s this influence that makes me skeptical of everyone. I always say whenever I meet someone, they deserve a clean slate and I still believe that in principle, and it’s mostly true. I’m still outgoing, I still initiate small talk in random places and make friends, and have a generally good reputation for being approachable and all that. I have no desire to date or to know anyone more than platonically. When that context and demeanor starts to shift I can’t help but ask in my mind, “who did you hurt? That you’re aware of? That you’re not? Does it matter? Would it matter to you? Was it intentional? What lies are you willing to tell to get whatever you want?” Then it just keeps spiraling. “Maybe they’re a narcissist, a sadist. This is an act, everyone curates a good first impression.” I wonder if they’ve ever assaulted anyone, if they don’t understand enthusiastic consent, informed consent even, or maybe they do but they place their desires before the well-being of others and don’t gaf. The more I start the like someone, the more questions I start asking internally, and with how the world is right now, and with so much else to focus on, I’ve retreated. I had no idea the dominoes that started to fall in 2014 would spill here.

2013 is the year everything was on fire, I can’t tell if 2013 or 2012 were worse since the fire started Q4 2014 and decimated all of 2013. I dipped out of a 3 year relationship and lost a job of three years a week later. I felt like I didn’t have solid ground to stand on, I had people who I thought were friends circling me like vultures and didn’t see it until later. I was more self destructive than I’d realized at the time, I fell from one bad situation into an even worse situation with where I lived and with jobs. But the decisions I made that cascaded all of it were still some of the best decisions I ever made, and it made my life after possible. I really hate that floofy “everything happens for a reason” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” bs. Really, these were all setbacks that almost killed me and that’s not being dramatic. I hate thinking about how much further I would be in my endeavors had these disasters not happened. They’re expensive, and mentally and emotionally taxing.

I can barely remember 2011 and the first half of 2012, I guess it’s my brain blocking details out, which I simultaneously hate, but am kind of okay with. I remember photos from a couple fetishized balls, lots of arguments, and lies, more lies than I can count. My ex cheating on me which was still nuts because we weren’t exclusive then and he still had to break simple rules, they were mostly built around courtesy. I remember a friend OD’ing on heroin (and thankfully surviving) but going off on me and being erratic and verbally abusive. They later got sober and apologized. This was also around occupy, that was a thing. I met my future roommate there, the one cool one I’m still friends with, I’m still in awe we reconciled. And at the end of the year a “friend” of 8 years date raped me when I drove a couple hours north to visit.

2010 I had no direction or ambition, I mean I’ve always had ambition, but I had no direction and didn’t get one back until 2014. It was all downhill, I was so sick, my pain was unmanaged, I didn’t think I’d ever do better than a callcenter job, and it wasn’t from any lack of desire, ability, or intelligence. Promotion seemed like it required luck and a fuckton or nepotism. All I’d ever seen were old boys clubs where me half as smart as me leapfrogging me and making shit decisions, I’d only worked for shitty companies at this point so it was my only reference point. I worked, then in my own time I went out to dance, socialize, and break up the week. It was sinking into my life the way that it was, expecting it to always be that way. I couldn’t keep up with it and my doctors appointments I really couldn’t afford. I got the bunny around this time, he was a huge highlight and I adored him.

2009 was scary and exciting. I got away from my abuser, explored goth clubs and various events, made a lot of friends, and had my first (consensual) relationship as an adult. I started playing DDR again, started drawing again, took road trips, went from being job to job to getting something steady… even if it was shitty, it gave me some stability. I do think it’s sad a narcissist asshole almost a decade me senior saw essentially fresh meat in the goth club and really charmed me. I mean, from where I’d just been, he was a huge step up. I didn’t even gave a bar then. He was nice to me, he didn’t rape me, instead he asked. This was before the financial bs, manipulation, and cheating. But I’ve learned more life lessons from that relationship than anything else, and I can shoot anyone down before they can get anywhere near me because I can recognize the behavior. It’s the ones who don’t hit radar that are the most dangerous, and I know I’m not invincible, but at least I’m aware.

2008, I thought my life was over, I once had potential but it was gone. Chronic pain and illness was new and I only expected it to get worse. I hadn’t gotten away from my abuser, I was fluctuating between scared and fed up, feeling like killing me at that point would have been a mercy killing. There’s not much else to say about that time. 2007 was pretty much the same, I distinctly remember war though, and that was a nice escape. No one there knew what was happening to me in private.

2006 I left home again and went right back to my abuser. The perpetual fighting, slut shaming, and general evangelical nonsense being rained down on me pushed me away and made my rapist seem less worse, it’s nuts. And I’m sure he didn’t want to deal with me anymore than he did, but for the sake of legalities it was better to keep me believing I’d consented to everything. I trauma bonded, I didn’t know that was a thing till years later, and the irony is I ended up under his roof because of a confrontation at home in 2005 and he was my “savior,” until he got on top of me in his daughters bed and raped me one night while I pretended to sleep. I knew that moment changed my life, but had no idea how. I had no way out, no hope, no recourse, no plan b, nothing. He took everything away from me and I didn’t know how to reclaim myself for years. I wish I called PD from the bed after he left, I didn’t even know the address, but I’m not blaming myself for what happened anymore, or for how I couldn’t handle the situation. I had no support, no safe place, this isn’t on me. Before this event my house flooded and that’s what cascaded into this whole mess. The family was already broken, but these circumstances exacerbated everything.

2004 I graduated from high school, got my first call center job where I met my rapist, started college, didn’t really understand a lot of what I was exposed to until later.. there just wasn’t enough context in my life previously. I wasn’t unprepared, and it’s aggravating, but I know one parent tried their best while the other didn’t gaf. I kept going back in my head to 1992/1993, but it’s not worth rambling in here. It’s all trauma. I guess I ran through all this to acknowledge that sure there’s a lot of shit, and everyone I know has been through a lot of shit, but there’s also a lot of pleasant surprises. I went a lot further than I expected. I keep feeling stuck, I keep struggling, I keep facing what feels like impossible odds, and there are setbacks. I really hate having to work twice as hard to get half a far, especially when every ounce of effort and energy comes at a premium when you’re chronically ill. But I know there were people expecting me to fail, setting me up to fail, and they never got their satisfaction. Today I learned from a colleague that the boss who abused me and ruined my health for a year and half got termed from the company today. I outlasted him despite his efforts. I will go when I am ready, on my own terms. And there have been people who have cheered me on, who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, who inspired me and who I’ve inspired. I’m grateful for them, really. I haven’t stopped breathing, I haven’t stopped. I’m tired, I’m trying to remember how to rest and take a break when needed, but to not stop. Maybe I’ll finish this cert I’m working on, and maybe I’ll volunteer at another con this year, Idk.

Double feature

Woke up, still felt completely burnt out physically and mentally and took a sick day, went back to sleep and right into a dream where I was driving on the freeway, and in the dream you don’t really know where you are, but then when you wake up realize it’s the 202 westbound in Phoenix, the curve between the 143 and 44th st by Sky Harbor airport.

Well in the dream it was evening and an suv and some other car are in front of me on the curve. It’s a wide curve but with the high walls the visibility doesn’t go far. The suv turned out to be DPS and pulled over the car in front of him, being in the far left lane of the curve I moved over a lane as they we’re pulling over to the shoulder, then there was another suv in front of me pulling over another car and I realized this was a trap where patrol was waiting for drivers. I moved over to the right again before I could see the orange cones starting to close the right lane, or the black sedan that was jackknifed right in front of them and that’s when I collided head on with it.

I “woke up” in another vehicle and saw my car turned around on the freeway, the front end was essentially gone and the windshield shattered so there was glass everywhere on the ground. An officer was standing outside the car, asking me if I’d been acting more on impulsively lately, or been partaking in increasingly reckless activities, and then asked me if I’d been getting enough sleep and I was all “what?” And this is where I woke up. *eyeroll*

Fatigued

I’ve been incredibly fatigued lately. Nausea hit hard yesterday and this morning was so bad I canceled my shuttle to sleep in and will have to drive downtown again this week. I’ve been running at a pace I can’t physically handle for a while but it’s jot like I’ve had a choice. At least some of it is going to change soon and hopefully it’ll be more manageable.

So of course I have a stress dream this morning where I’m sitting on a bed with some clothes strewn about and then Josh is there acting like nothing ever happened. We’re in this living room around other people and Idk if the third party is a roommate or if I live there, everything looks foreign to me, everything feels foreign. And that persons asking some questions trying to make small talk and brings up social media. This is where I mentioned recently killing my social media accounts (which I did irl and haven’t reactivated yet).

So irl I’ve discovered over and over how there are certain people who I’d like to keep in contact with but can’t because I killed some accounts. I’m going to have to go back at some point and feel bad I disappeared without saying anything but shit got bad.

Anyway in the dream I mentioned recently killing social media and Josh is like “I should just delete mine since I never log in anyway” and perma deleted fb instead of just deactivating, which in turn perma deleted everything from the internet, his online presence was gone. His presence would be gone, like he was in my imagination. It was beyond unsettling, like I could never reach him but he could always find me if he wanted to. It felt unfair. And I felt stupid, why would I ever be compelled to reach out after everything that happened? I was still hurt and angry, I missed the fallacy, I missed a man that wasn’t real. I gave my greatest love to a lie. I am the fool. Dream me went through all of these thoughts before waking up. I’m exhausted af physically and emotionally, and I’m tired of my brain putting me through this when I need rest and just want to move on.

Muse and cats

I’ve been dreaming most nights but they’ve all been extra chaotic and I haven’t had the time most mornings to unpack them so they fade into obscurity.

I woke up feeling pretty nauseated and dehydrated despite downing quite a bit of water earlier and just feel like there’s nothing to give. No energy, noodley arms, noodley body. But the last dream was such a fucking mess I thought maybe go over the highlights even if I can’t get all the details.

I was walking up a road going over a hill with some guy I didn’t know and this chick in a dark red robe, when I turned around I noticed there was a rope around her waist and it was dragging on the ground, the guy and I were chatting about where we were trying to take her where she’d be okay, Idk if she escaped from somewhere or what happened. We ended up inside this hanger but it was being used as a parking lot and there were a few cars. We waited and saw someone take off in one, then we took off in a small white car that looked like it was made in Europe in the first half of the 20th century.

I was walking aimlessly after that chick left like I didn’t know what was going to happen next, and started going back towards another hanger that looked like it had been converted to a general metalworks shop or something and was wondering if dude was gonna follow or not and was aggravated when he hadn’t and if that meant figuring a way out on my own.

There’s some bit where I was in bed and Idk whose bedroom it was (was it mine?) and there was a kitty and I tried to get it’s interest to come up so I could pet it, and eventually it did come up and then I panicked about where it’s food and water was so I got up and opened the bedroom door to go find stuff. I was in the hall (the stairs to go downstairs were in the middle of the room) but there was a kitchen on the floor I was on. There were also other cats, my wifey’s cats irl, and some others, all kind of hanging out. There was a huge spread in various bowls on the floor that looked like a Korean dinner. I still went to the kitchen looking for actual cat food and water and saw these packs on the counter with cans and cans of Friskies and when I went to grab one it was bloated and didn’t look safe. Idk if it expired, there were these weird popover looking baked caps on them, I picked another and the cap crumpled, then some juice leaked out, I wasn’t comfortable giving these to the cats. Then mom showed up talking about requirements for some other place like she was expecting me to move even though I was only aware of these 1-3 cats being my responsibility. Then I saw brand new kittens, like weeks old and wondered how they happened. I asked wifey when I saw her and she said some of the others hadn’t been fixed in time and I was all… so some siblings had kittens?! ._.

I’m missing a lot of dream here, eventually a huge red truck that you’d think was the size of a fire truck but it wasn’t a fire truck came out and some non-binary person with colorful hair stepped out with my wifey (maybe the cat thing happened after?), and then that person’s security detail came out and they were all huge and armed. Some stayed behind and some took off. They sat at the table outside under a pop up canopy and I hesitated since no one seemed interested in interacting me, and I didn’t want any effort to be seen as trying to get in good with someone I didn’t know with an agenda.

I went inside the middle door in a triplex that ended up being huge because the steps went down into the ground, but it was all wooden like an old tavern and a Muse song was playing very loudly and I was singing at the top of my lungs with it as I walked in like it was some kind of grand show, then I leaned down from the stair to the floor, running to the other platform on the other end of the room past a bff’s mom who is a fairy at ren faire, and turn back to see an ex from college sitting on the steps looking at me in disbelief and I wasn’t sure if it was mostly wtf was that, wtf am I doing here, why is this happening, or what else it might have been. There was another flight of wooden stairs that went down to two rooms (or two small apartments?) that were being rented out and I think the place belonged to the bff’s mom? In one room to the left, I think it was being rented by my first ex bf, and I knew the person renting the one on the right. It can’t remember who it was supposed to be. I woke up around here.

That’s still a lot, and I still can’t remember a lot, it was chaotic af. I wish I knew which Muse song it was, or if it was a real one. I’m also coming to a realization there’s been a common theme in the last few months where whenever there’s a cat or there are cats in my dreams I want to pet them, and as soon as I realize they’re mine I panic about where their food and water is because I can’t remember the last time I fed them. Why is this a theme? Why does this keep happening?

Treading water

Apparently Jöshua graduated from sad dreams that make me cry about what I’d never have into bizarre stress dreams. I guess joining the ranks of others I’ve walked from is… something. Regardless I still hate that after all the his time, and despite what I know, he’s still there some nights. I hate that my brain cycles do this, with anyone.

I’m missing a lot of pieces, I woke up in the middle of the night coughing for no reason. But there was some part where we were walking through some area at night, like in some residential complex but the sidewalk ended and it was grassy, there was water, and I was comparing the size of a pool to the right to another one I’ve dreamed of previously. We kept walking and the only way forward was though water but I didn’t want to get my silver purse wet, I tried hanging on to the black bars or the fence surrounding the pool but then I was half swimming half going from rail to rail and was aggravated. He asked what was so important about not getting it wet and I mentioned my wallet was in there, my ss card wasn’t laminated (I don’t even carry it around irl). I made it to the other side and set my things next to his phone and some other stuff.

I chilled at a corner and he was under water, hanging out at the bottom of the corner I was at when I went to the right, then pushing off the floor of the pool with his feet and swimming to another area. This pool reminded me of the one in the complex I grew up in, but only to try and estimate it’s depth. That pool was 13’ at the deep end, this one seemed to be at least that much. I was floating and holding on to the edge lightly with my right hand, then moved back into a corner and chilled. We were skinny dipping and then I was hanging out and looked down to see I was wearing my “keep calm and kill zombies” tank (but I never got up or put anything on, dream magic). Earlier I had a thought, wondering if he was going to sneak up from under me to start playing with me or go down on me. The feelings were very mixing with high anxiety, it was really confusing.

We were in the smaller (it was still pretty big) jacuzzi and I was hanging out in another corner when my arms out to support myself from going under when a group of older ladies showed up. The water had drained and we were about to call maintenance when Jöshua stated it was due to some emergency police or fire were involved with (I can’t remember which) and the resources like continual electricity for heat and water were rationed for said thing, he was laying on his side across me, with his back against my chest and I thought… oh, well if he knew this why didn’t he say anything sooner. I was aggravated. I just stroked his hair.

The ladies eventually got up to leave, and he started telling me about work shit. Work shit spanning as far back as the implosion of our org to where he was now. How he was smarter about things and better equipped to handle them from experience but it never meant it got easier, it was the same hard bs. That was relatable. He started talking about something that sounded like a drug test to me but I wasn’t 100% sure, then he referenced something that basically sounded like a pap smear to me, but rectal and I was extremely confused.

We were out of the water and I had to collect my things before I left, I was under the impression I’d never come back to this place. There was also some side thing in my mind about having to go directly to Wisconsin to return some awful cheese that I later remembered was acquired from Costco, but it was too late to return it for some reason. I couldn’t remember what state I was in, I pulled up maps which showed Wisconsin was right above Washington (because dream maps don’t have to match reality) and I was all ohhh that’s why I couldn’t picture it, weird. And thought of Wisconsin as a mini Canada, or being Canada lite. You go there and it’s like going to Canada without crossing an international border, also cheese. I thought how convenient, I can drive there when I’m back in a Washington (I realize I’m still not sure which state I’m in at the time but am guessing the general southwest).

I start trying to gather my things, quickly realizing I need a canvas tote bag or three. I’m grabbing items, find a stack of my books I didn’t remember sneaking in, some old receipts, and as I sit there on the carpet going through stuff (I don’t remember going inside), I turn to sit in front of a door and realize I’m looking at the metal computer desk that I’ve had since I was a teenager, and I still have that irl. I wasn’t sure how to toss it, I couldn’t bring it with me and wasn’t sure if I every needed it or not. I hate being wasteful though, and reverted back to thinking about getting it through the door next to me and leaving it in the lawn in case someone wanted to come by and take it. I woke up somewhere around here.

Finches & guns

I kept waking up, and my visions still a little fuzzy right now. The fatigues been excessive lately so maybe that contributed to all the crazy streams through the night. I remember trying to record some crazy dream in here in my dream! That’s a first. I had some dream that I was running around some resort called Red Rock (but it looked nothing like Red Rock) and there were people andnit was chaotic. I went into some area and Lauren was there and so were a bunch of other goth chicks just pouring their hearts out about how they got burned when they loved. Right before or after (not sure on the order) I was sitting at a table right by an arcade, talking to someone, and Jöshua (thanks phone) showed up with a couple huge bags of food and everyone swarmed the table to grab breakfast burritos and I was like … and then I was all fuck it and grabbed one and started eating it and walking down the hall past arcade games before the other person I was talking to could finish making their comments about how that was gonna hurt because the tortillas were flour. I knew, I always know and by the time I’m willing to “cheat” with gluten Idgaf (it’s been a while irl cause it does hurt bad).

So I ask a staff member the easiest way to get to my hotel and she points out where to find the elevator, I ask if there’s a bathroom and at first she said there wasn’t, and then I wouldn’t want to go in there, then unlocks it and it looks like a normal resort bathroom until I lock the door to shower and part of it are gross because people are gross and I’m all wtf? I turn on the shower and hose everything down with hot water, then get in and try to relax under the water, then turn it off, pull the curtain, and am in a towel when a couple friends showed up and then some stranger I didn’t know was there and I was all uhhh… they’re all just chatting and then get out, so I get out of the bathroom and it’s outside (it was inside a building when I went in, and didn’t notice that in the dream *shrug*). I’m all, I gotta get going and dude I just met says something then bends down to kiss me and leaves and then there’s just more wtf was that?!

And I’m hanging out in a room that’s a little narrow with a desk and a normal or, modern tv on it and in the corner is a pretty tall shelf with a vintage gaming console at the top, an old CRT tv with a what… 16” or 17” screen even though the box itself is huge and the glass is rounded and bulby. I was sitting on a foldout chair looking at it and thinking I could set it up as a vintage gaming station. I can’t emember exactly what happened next but I think there was something before I was out walking around some antique shop, and then there were glass cases with a bunch of guns, and I was there with a couple friends, or a friend who was chasing this chick he was maybe hoping to have a three some with her and I, all while I’m browsing guns thinking yeah, that’s not gonna happen. I was swiping photos on my phone of these cute little birds sitting on these little terrariums in teacups and after a while I was holding the teacups and birds in my left hand as I swiped with my right index finger, and they also paired guns with the cups and birds. They were small 9mm pistols designed to be easily concealed and carried in handbags so they advertised them with other cute small things, and the tiny black finch in the black teacup was my favorite.

… I got pulled into a thing before I could come back in here and everything after is pretty much gone. There’s some vague bit about being in some living room that almost looked like the one I grew up in but the furniture was arranged a little differently and I was sitting on one couch and Jöshua was stretched out on the other, trying to convince me to do something and I was rejecting the request but can’t remember what it was.

Alcohol and goth club epiphanies

I keep coming to this realization I came into my power after my ex in my early/ mid 20’s.

I came into it when I finally rejected him.

It’s weird because it’s true, but I don’t want to give him any credit, he was trying to put my fire out. I burned his fucking house down.

Will B’s Dream

“I spent all last night dreaming about basically an Excel spreadsheet and realizing that applying percentages to a running total is not the same thing as applying percentages to each line item

So naturally I’m very well rested now lol”

Rowley’s Dream

“Must have been something in the air. I had a whack ass dream that I was declining in mental health, so my gf, my mom and my ex started taking over all my responsibilities and dividing up my assists, in front of me. I could “speak” to them as I would. Intelligent, coherent. But their responses and faces seemed to tell me that I was clapping and flapping on the outside. It was maddening. I was getting sad head pats from my daughter and no one would or could listen to me. God. I hope that’s not how it goes.”R

Guest appearances

Had an awful dream mom passed away recently and I was not handling it well at all. Very chaotic dream, lots going on, the house I was renting was decent but weird, a friend was over trying to help me cope, a bunch of people started coming over like they lived there now and I was all wtf I have a lease here, and it seemed like we all had leases but I could never figure out how to reach the owner of the house to fight this or at least find out what was going on. The guy that I kind of sort of wasn’t seeing recently and dropped made an appearance in the dream and then over time became my ex in Phoenix (they’re very different people personality and background wise but share some traits and honestly share some damage). Ugh.

5:51AM

“There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won’t remember and that she can’t even let herself think about because that’s when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it’s always raining a slow and endless drizzle.

You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sign, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.

Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.

Whenever it rains you will think of her.”

Neil Gaiman

Damage

Woke up from a dream that felt like it was a lifetime ago and it’s fading and getting fuzzier by the second. It was unsettling and a lot was going on, there was something towards the end where it was like watching a movie, this woman had captured someone who harmed her or something she loved and she had them restrained on her couch, she wanted revenge and tried to shoot them but couldn’t pull the trigger. Somewhere else someone she worked with on resolving this issue was out dealing with some other business and was dealing with a lot of facetious dismissal because his badge or ID or whatever thing he had that proved his status wasn’t on him at that time. He looked down, smiled, laughed and shrugged it off because he was on his way back to see her anyway so who cares.

Back in the apartment she stepped out from the hall with a gun drawn in both hands and a blindfold over her eyes. She hadn’t realized her captive had quietly undone their restraints and had slipped away. The gentleman who had rushed back to her opened the apartment door and a moment later she pulled the trigger killing him. For a second there was darkness, then it looked like the room was covered in shredded newspaper up to his chin. She took her blindfold off and saw him fall to the ground, and I woke up.

Kidnapping

Just woke up from a dream my rapist from when I was a teenager kidnapped me and took me to some chop shop in what looked like west Phoenix, and then it turned out to be somewhere off Flamingo in Vegas. He started raging about my fb posts calling him out.

All I wanted was a nap, brain. Woke up exhausted too.

Unexpected trades

My heart is heavy this morning after having a really hard come to Jesus talk with someone that matters to me. Friends did this for me in 2013 and it hurt, I recoiled, but I saw the intent and worked on it later when I had my bandwidth back. It did take self work and therapy.

Last night, someone I cared for and I got into an ugly yelling match and when I got up to leave he asked me not to, we calmed down enough to continue, and I laid it out on the table. Not to rip him apart, but to show him his blind spots because I know he’s a smart person with a good heart and he could do better and be happier if he has awareness over what’s weighing him down and takes steps to address them. I didn’t care if he shot the messenger, and this morning it seems like he did.

I’m also in a weird place for another reason. There’s some weird timing running into someone I had a falling out with almost a year ago and being in the process of reconciling with them, and then not even 24 hours later having this brutal talk with someone else only for them to drop me. I’m happy to get a friend back, I’m sad to lose another.

Blind Rage

I was the dragon lady tonight. Only 3 or 4 people have ever seen this side of me, and I’ve never been proud or happy about it. I’m just sad things had to blow up before they could be addressed.

Meant to be

We were always meant to be, even if that doesn’t mean meant forever. Even if it means for a moment, or a short period of time. This new chapter is making me realize that about the previous ones. I still don’t believe in predestination or fate. Some things have come up that try hard to mimic that, but many things have tried before too. So it’s okay, and everything that’s happening now?

I want to bow out quietly. I want to stop because I’m seeing flags and they don’t shine red, but they still burn orange. I haven’t even begun to unpack what I’m observing, nor do I have the bandwidth or the spoons. I don’t know how they’ll be received, or if that effort will be reciprocated (since it hasn’t been in the past), but who am I to say this is just a repeat with someone else? Everyone deserves a clean slate, right? Is this where I usually demolish potential to salvage friendship? Am I sabotaging myself by playing it too safe? I was just recently called out on this and was strongly encouraged to see how this plays out. But what if none of these things are wrong and aren’t mutually exclusive? These could all be facts, and then they’re all factors. Everyone is tired of getting burned. I’ve learned not to ignore my intuition, but maybe it’s not calibrated properly anymore. Maybe it’s too sensitive and I’m about to kill a good thing before it even has a chance. I need to have this conversation and I don’t know when it’s going to line up.

Fictional Places

Crazy dream the town houses I grew up in were partially torn down and partially used within a new complex design for split residential and commercial space. I was walking through one that had stained concrete floors, and that general minimal grey and white palate kind of like what I remember from some of an old employer’s HQ. I was visiting Rowley and followed him up the stairs then made a wrong turn left and he directed me right. He had my old room! It still had the purple walls I painted but it was expanded and had a floor to ceiling glass wall that faced out to 44th and the old elementary school was gone, it had been replaced by businesses and there was a little Mexican restaurant across the street. He also had two of my old paintings that were accidentally left behind on the walls, and the wall facing in was also partially glass with a glass door that was relocated further in from where it was originally. There were interesting things going on but it was the architectural changes in that dream that really stood out.

Old & New

When is it never busy? I wrote out a jokingly “obligatory” 2019 reflective and looking ahead thing, while acknowledging this demarcation is arbitrary and everything was already set in motion, it’s all continuing on, and running in parallel.

To summarize, it was basically… stuff carried over. What started last year, I’m gonna finish with a vengeance.
I’m caring for my mom now.
My insane abusive job situation died with 2018.
Still trying to figure out new routines.
Wallowing in the past when I’ve had downtime between chaotic events. I need to leave things and stop picking them up when it’s time to let go.
I feel really good about my heart being hardened in some aspects but am trying to remember new people don’t deserve to be viewed through a lens that was earned by others. It’s been hard to genuinely make connections that aren’t platonic. I’m trying to be more mindful of this because I would like a partner to share my life with.
And finally, I became the goth queen I wanted to be when I was 13 (we’ve seen that meme), and then I wanted to be the evil queen, so that’s how I arrived on NYE.

I’m trying to burn everything down with matches and gasoline that I have to stay away from so picking them up isn’t even an option. The difference between now and 6 years ago, is I’m pulling the trigger this time and am purging on purpose. I’ve avoided many things I’ve enjoyed and loved off and on over the years, a big one symbolically being Utada’s music. I didn’t even catch that album release in June, and was only able to get through a little bit of it before it started to get overwhelming. But again, I know it’s residual. The meaning behind what started these aversions is gone. It’s also hard to remember I was sold a lie, and given a fake ideal and rhetoric for years. It blinded me from understanding what the real thing should look like, feel like, be like. I have to keep going, and part of that is opening back up to the things I loved but were thrown out of my life due to avoidance. I know the associations will eventually fade, but I wish I put in this emotional labor years ago. I’m going to start here because it represents the old and the new. I know what I’ve always wanted, and it is my obligation to myself to not settle for less, or mistake someone’s fallacy from what’s genuine.