SUGARCOATED EVIL

Dad was pissing me off in a dream, we were still in Vegas and he was going to crowded places without a mask. Idgaf if he suffered the consequences but I was livid he could take mom down with him.

Maaaan was that an aggravating and exhausting dream.

Just woke up from a random nap, I was in a hotel room trying to figure out a murder and some chick was down on the bathroom floor. It was like a virtual crime scene that was previously scanned and you could walk through it, touch the robe hanging on the bathroom door and feel the fabric, look around and all that. It was interesting.

There was another part where Jösh and I were attending the same gala event and idk if we had planned on coming together or if we ended up in the same town, like he knew I’d be in attendance and decided to go. Before the event we had decided to leave the hotel we were at in separate Uber’s and pretend to not know each other, and he’d interrupt someone else talking to me that I wasn’t interested in but was being polite, and then would proceed to hit on me himself.

Jösh showed up in another dream earlier this week out of nowhere, also involving technology. I was rewinding security footage to see what happened at a building earlier and saw him retracing the steps I took after I’d been there earlier.

I haven’t dreamed of him in a while, I guess he’s just in my subconscious this week.

After only being able to sleep for 3-4 hours at a time for a couple weeks, the anxiety dreams are going for straight nightmares. String of nightmares where I was trapped in a hotel room with my ex in Phoenix and was making me go through my phone so I was going through an Amazon or Etsy wishlist while hooked up to hdmi on the tv. He went to the restroom and my assaulter came out acting like everything was normal and my brain was like …wtf? Did I just hallucinate he was my ex? Then I excused myself to the restroom and just paced in there trying to figure out what to do.

Woke up exhausted to delirium and went back to sleep.

Next dream I was in some house I was apparently staying at and there was a black bunny hanging out in a cage that seemed really friendly so I opened the door and waited for it to hop out. I noticed there wasn’t a thick layer of Timothy hay in there and could see the bottom of the floor. The bunny came out and I held him and then went out back and chilled inside a little tiny… Idk what to call it. It was like a low hammock inside of a three wall wooden box thing and the bunny splooted and was napping on me. I heard a lot of noise and saw a bunch of what I’m guessing were high school or college peeps gathering in the yard (it was a big yard) and took the bunny and went back to the porch. I was wearing a tshirt and underwear and this lack of warning was not cool.

Some people were sitting in lawn chairs facing the yard and I sat next to Sabrina. There was another chair to her left, and then another chair with some dude who looked kind of like my neighbor (the one I’ve had trouble with since I’ve moved into the townhouse I’m in). He turned to face me and said “hello again” and I responded “hi,” and thought why is it people who don’t like me see me when stupid shit happens? I went back inside and into another room to find my thing so I could get dressed and go, some I’m guessing primary school aged girl comes out of the room and said something and then headed for the yard. I was looking at this gigantic mess of stuff haphazardly thrown into these cubbies, okay it looked like a white IKEA Kallax shelf or something. I grabbed a sweater thinking it was mine but it wasn’t so I put it back, then opened a cabinet to my left above the counter and saw some tea but it had been rummaged through and all the good stuff was gone. I remembered there being more tea and thought maybe they removed it as a passive aggressive way to say I’m not welcome anymore.

I woke up still deliriously tired and exhausted.

Next dream was stuck in a house I didn’t recognize working from home and it was taking calls from GoDaddy but w current coworker was also there. We generally get along but also butt heads sometimes. The equipment wasn’t working, I was rusty dealing with hosting stuff, this was some weird issue for a thing (that doesn’t even exist irl) and apparently the cinoaby had been auto risking this guy for a month and I was the first to get through and he was trying his best to be nice and patient with me but was running into MFA issues to fully get into the account and I needed to put him on hold and couldn’t do it through the software and the physical phone said he was on hold when he wasn’t. I got up to try and find the colleague who was acting as a lead and when I got back to the table in the corner being used as a desk there was a gigantic fucking spider.

I mean it was like a cross between a crustacean and a goddamn face hugger. It was the size of a snow crab, all white legs that looked like skeleton it was bone white and a little body in the center, and it was fast and I tried to be brave and kill it. It crawled up the wall to the ceiling and then charged and dropped. Got back to the ceiling and dropped, and did this over and over. It was trying to land on me and I noped out and went upstairs to try and find someone. Went into the bedroom and found my mom’s friend’s daughter I hadn’t seen since the 90’s. We were both adults and she was in the bathroom wearing a mask and looking in the mirror like she was ready to go out in clubwear. I legit thought cyberpunk before I went oh yeah you need a mask to go out. She came out and laid on the bedroom floor next to where I was sitting and chatted a bit about how she was super sick from getting dysentery and discussed all the severe symptoms and I was like ._. umm, and then was talking about how I shouldn’t leave and we need to hang out and I was like… I’m oncall until 11pm and I’m in the middle of a goddamn fire at work and gotta go sorry, and exited the room to the hall and almost fell because I didn’t remember that step down.

Then I saw mom’s friend (I can’t even remember her name I haven’t seen her in like 20 years) and then I saw my mom and explained the spider thing and they went downstairs, then I went downstairs after a minute and the last two or three steps were broken. I could see the the wood splintering up from where it had fractured and there were holes you could see though to the crawl space underneath. Made it downstairs and Mom’s standing right outside the kitchen and says “that was a big spider!” I asked her if she got it and she was like almost. Jfc. We’re back in the first room and it’s chilling on the baseboard and she goes after it, it runs, and she tries to step on it and fails, it goes across the floor and somehow she kicks it and then stomps on it and it’s dead and she picks it up with a paper towel and that’s over.

Colleague sat at the dining room table and has two ceramic baking dishes filled with pasta and sauce lopped on it to the side. One looks like spaghetti and meatballs and the other has a creamier color to it almost like a vodka sauce or even what almost looks like a chicken tikka masala. He starts digging into the one by him and dumping spaghetti on his plate and mixing the sauce into the pasta. I realize the other dish is a gluten free version and thought it was nice he went through the trouble of making a separate one for me. I start wondering about that guy and his impossible case from earlier. Was he still on the phone? Did he hear me screaming while trying to manage the spider? Is he still on the phone waiting now?! Did my colleague tell him he’d research and call him back? No one told me anything so I don’t know.

Colleague says we need to check on a thing and I follow him through these halls in some other building (I don’t remember how we got there). It’s nighttime now so the building has very few people. We’re sitting at a table in what looks like a break room (guessing based on vending machines being there) and are talking with another person. Toy stores come up and we mention FAO Schwarz. He was talking about the one at Scottsdale Fashion Square, I tangented to Superstition Springs mall and how they had that and the arcade and the carousel. I talked about how my dad’s best friend had a son who was 5 years older than me and the dad used to babysit me sometimes when my parents were at work. We’d go to the movies and then browse around the toy store. Colleague asked me what I wanted the most from the store or if I had any favorites and I said no. He asked why and I said because I never expected I could ever get anything so while I looked and enjoyed being in there, I never set my heart on anything. I almost brought up running into the son later in college and him trying to hit on me (this did happen irl and it was weird af) but decided to leave it.

He apparently got the thing we came for and we turn around and start heading out. There was two people standing inside a doorway in a hall I’m passing (it has one of those doors split in half where you can open the top half and the bottom half is like a counter) and outside it is a bin. I looked in the bin to see what was in there a paper slipped out of my hand so I grabbed it and kept walking to catch up to my colleague. We ended up back at the house and were exhausted on the couch talking when he rests a leg across me and I’m like wtf.

And I woke up and am STILL deliriously tired and exhausted.

10:30am: Lots of random dreams all over the place that make no sense but there was a nice one where I came over and snuggled up on Adrian on the couch, the place was unrecognizable. Other little dreams included Sarah’s cat Mogwai being gigantic like the size of a cougar, and there was some other one where we went out for food and I saw my friend Olivia and her husband sit down at a table, you and I went outside and was looking at where we wanted to sit and then you went to go find something and I was wandering around the property and went down these steps and stared at a pool, was gonna go around this turn and my heel caught on a space between the tile on the floor and fell into the pool, got out and was like whatever it’ll dry off fast and realized I was in a white dress with a floral pattern and wasn’t sure if the dress was transparent or how bad it was.

It looked like a resort in Scottsdale, and that dress kind of looked like one I wanted at Windsor when I was 16 and wish I bought >_>

1:39pm: Woke up from more dreams.

You got sick, it was still in Scottsdale. I kept trying to get to you and it was a mess.

Was also sitting at a table and Sage comes over with two friends, I think one is a new love interest but not sure, the other kind of looks like Mercy and sits next to me. Mark is across from me. The chick next to me and I chat for a bit as people come and go and offers information if I only want to hear it and I said sure, and she tells me I have cancer. I ask her what kind and she says she was trying to be kind with a heads up, make peace with it, and then pay kindness forward.

I had so many issues because I was staying with my parents in the house I grew up in and didn’t want to take either of their cars and potentially introduce the virus in them. Tried to figure out getting a rental after deciding ride share was too risky. My room was like my room except some of the furniture just kept going to almost the ceiling like bed posts, bookshelves, glass cases, it was off. I got dragged along / tricked and ended up at a church and was leaving and trying to find my car, these three dudes come out of the church to harass me so I take my phone out and start taking photos of them with their dicks out and a first they think it’s funny, then get nervous cause I start walking back towards the church and stole my purse so I don’t have my keys or wallet. Go back to the church and talk to the lady at the door, see people starting to come out and some older gentleman walking around the corner with what looks like it might be my bag and start running to try and catch up to him, it’s crowded due to a wedding.

I end up in the back where it’s all staff coordinating and rush around inspecting like I have a purpose (also thinking thank fuck I usually wear all black so I look like I’m part of whatever’s happening here) go back out to the lobby in the venue and am at a loss. End up in a room on this property all I guess I’ll stay at for the night, and the next morning look out the window to see a bunch of people running around in pastels like it’s Easter. There are these two gigantic bunnies being lead elsewhere, like capybara sized bunnies, and I’m legit naked staring out my window giving no fucks. Close the blinds and a little later something seems off so I look out the window again and see a huge accident in the freeway where someone crashed through the median and hit another car. And then I ended up in Scottsdale (and clothed) and yeah, these dreams have just been messy.

I don’t remember a lot since I let the day go by before typing this out, but o had a dream I lost my job and moved “back home” to Vegas. Some things were like the last three and a half years never happened. My parents hadn’t divorced and were still there, my room was the same. It was incredibly defeating.

That space saved my life and gave me the time I needed to recover and rebuild, it was an unexpected space I was able to fall back on when I got super sick. I don’t have fallbacks any more, there are no contingencies and while I’m finally out of the red, I don’t have a cushion that’ll last months to a year. I guess this was my brain’s way of rubbing it in. My anxiety has been high through what’s going on in the world right now. Idk what’s going to happen, but I don’t regret the choices I’ve made that got me to this point. I belong in the PNW, I belong here with my people I love.

KMFDM has been canceled after their rape apologist bs, but that song and title were so good, ugh.

I had this random sex dream with someone my brain assigned (no one I know irl). A lot of details are missing on why I was there but I was in some strange wide open office. It didn’t even have all the proper stuff? It looked like some makeshift / ad hoc space that was procured and then a conference table and projector were set up (some AV conference / war room kind of thing) and closer to the door some gigantic whiteboard on wheels instead of mounted to a wall. It was like one big rectangular room and a glass door and wall at the entrance like your find in an office suite or mixed commercial space or something. I was part of whatever was going on there but can’t remember what everyone’s purpose was there, or my own.

This one dude addressed me for something about but it was more for the sake of commentary than expecting information or a statement from me. I guess he was trying to make conversation, but then I remember cuddling with him in a cool (referencing colors and natural light through curtains) bedroom and some small talk (I again don’t remember). He paused after saying something and it was like it clicked in both our minds and we started making out. Like the light switch went off in my head and I was thinking yes, we’re definitely doing this. Things escalated until he was up on his knees in bed and I twisted to go down on him and he came very quickly, and apologized, and I said not to apologize and that’s kind of what we’re going for, and I woke up.

Idk why people apologize when that happens. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Some other thing I noticed was all the light and was natural and coming through a tinted or otherwise covered window. It made it seem like it was always late afternoon so that was interesting. Idk.

I had a fun dream I came to visit you since you’d been isolating for a while too and you were sitting on a couch stroking yourself so I was going to go down and give you head but you stopped me and I couldn’t remember why but we ended up venturing out to find food and some large crowd came by and freaked me out so you pulled me into a building and I think it’s where we happened to be going for food anyway so it worked out. *exhales*

Had a dream I relocated mom and I back to Phoenix to get away from dad. It was very abrupt and we needed up in some iffy second floor apartment in Mesa. I was checking to see where things were since mom handled coordinating how the items were moved and distinctly remember asking where the winter tires were, panicking for a second they were left behind in the garage. She was having trouble with the air inside the apartment being stagnant and the apartment not being cold enough despite having central AC.

I walked around to the balcony window and looked down at this large enclosed common area with patio furniture and plants. It looked a lot like the old Embassy Suites by Sky Harbor (I think it’s a Holiday Inn now). I walked out to the basic kitchen and then down a hall from the living room into an even bigger room that was more like a dining hall that was furnished like an expensive hotel lobby. Our place was partially furnished and it was a weird and off mix where they tried to make everything look nice and quality but the infrastructure of the building was old and not kept up well. Looking up at the ceiling made me wonder wtf the square footage was because this hall was larger than the last 3 rooms of the apartment I’d just been in, and I wasn’t sure if this was just our space or if it was just a weirdly connected common space no one else used.

I was immediately looking at housing rentals because I was worried about mom’s health and breathing and all that, especially since were not even in summer yet. I saw a listing for a house in McCormick Ranch (but my brain placed it south around San Tan Valley and Queen Creek. I wanted to call and view the property and was willing to do whatever it took to break the lease, wondering what I could negotiate if we were there for a couple days, like prorating them? I wasn’t even sure what the lease terms were. I wondered if that was a drive I was willing to tolerate daily since I remembered Queen Creek in 2006 being unbearable.

I stressed about updating social media that I moved to Phoenix and left Seattle behind, I didn’t want to do the update and solidify it. I wondered when I could fly up and visit and how often and for how long. I worried about leaving mom alone for too long and then contemplated a pet, remembered she’s not into pets, and wondered since we did this huge move and I was now looking at houses if I could just get one once we settled in and she’d come around. I thought about friends in Vegas and the Bay Area, Idk why accessing these places seemed harder now because of the relocation when it shouldn’t make a difference (now I’m realizing irl I was very stationary in Phoenix due to health and money compared to after moving out of AZ).

I was flipping through a lot of art, lots of it unfinished, lots of origami paper unorganized and sloppily bundled together, and this notebook sized kind of half scrapbook half scribbled and doodled in journal I was trying to decide on. Where are the pieces to the last two pages so I can finish this? Can I let this go and send it to the person I intended to ship it to a long time ago? Would they even receive it? I put everything down to step away and woke up.

I woke up and then fell back asleep and dreamed about a lamp that we going to explode. It was one of those standing lamps in the corner and turned on the switch from the door, it started buzzing and I went to check on it and the smaller lamp nearby that wasn’t on for some reason, the bigger one got louder and then started to smoke and I ran over to turn off the switch but the panel was different and I turned everything off and it didn’t change anything so I ran back and was trying to unplug it from the outlet and had to trace the cable because there were multiple outlets in a row built into the wall and unplugged what should have been the lamp but it was still on and I was like jfc and unplugged the next cable that seemed right and then rolled across the bed (it was super low, I think it was just a mattress and box spring on the floor) and crawled on the floor towards the door expecting it to explode and catch on fire and ignite everything in there.

And right before that I was in the bathroom removing a towel from my head and hanging it up and my hair was curled beautifully, how tf did we go from here to danger lamps and fiery death?

Weird dream about a future daughter being named Lynnette Evie in a presentation, like a screenshot of an email with the name was up on this huge screen and a bunch of people were dialed in remotely. I’m not sure if I was having her or if she was human or had a physical form (this might have been AI and digital).

It’s 4:39am. ._.

After a couple wake ups I managed a little more sleep for once. Had the most bizarre dream I was in Phoenix for an extended trip to deal with something and someone was trying to convince me to look at companies down there, and I said I’d always been gunning for Microsoft or Apple and Seattles closer to Silicon Valley without having to actually be in Silicon Valley.

Nothing actually looked like Phoenix. I didn’t realize this in the dream but now that I’m half awake it was all off.

I ended up at Jay’s and saw the place he was in now. It was messy, but the apartment was nicer than the one we had. It was almost or just about as nice as my last one before I left Arizona. We were talking about DEFCON and I was trying to pull up the .org site but it wasn’t coming up. I was able to find some photos and described how last year was the second annual goth con, and how queer con happens at the same time. (The funny thing is Jay went to DEFCON before I ever did since he hung around the UAT crowd, but dropped off before we’d met). He started acting like all the years of shit he put me through never happened or wasn’t bad enough to attempt picking back up and I kept trying to bring up my life in Seattle and he kept interrupting me. I thought to myself well, my relationships not monogamous… but that’s not what matters. I don’t even like Jay, even if I’m glad he turned some things around and got better, I don’t want anything to do with him. He finally got up to grab something and tripped over something to hit his knee on something and fell. I turned around to see him on the floor behind the couch and then noticed a small boy passed out in the doorframe to the next room all slumped over. He had a son about middle school age. The kid woke up and seemed pretty well adjusted, but he was being raised in a bachelor pad. I had no idea who this kid’s mom was. (Jay has a daughter irl who is now a legal adult).

He started trying to simultaneously reconnect with me while chasing a chick named Jessica and got a text from her, said he didn’t want to lose me again, then apologized and said he needed to go across the street and was then off to go after her. I was so fucking relived because he kept interrupting me when I kept trying to tell him after I moved to Seattle I fell in love. I decided to go and try to find them so I could meet her and say something like “hi I’m his ex, you should date him.” Or something to show that yes, I ship this, y’all should do the thing, and then I’d be heading home immediately. I couldn’t find them, I went to the door I thought it was and asked if this was the right residence for Jessica, the man who answered the door said no it was next door. I turned around and a few doors down some neighbors were hanging out at their front porch waving at me to go their way like they were in on what’s going on and tried to give me a hint. So I turned around and walked past them, went through a low gate into a pool area, and was rushing through a narrow area but then held on to a corner of a wall so I didn’t fall into the pool, there was maybe half a foot between that corner and the edge of the pool, the design was throwing me off. I went to th door at the end and knocked and didn’t see anything so I went around the corner and saw a couple people (maybe her parents or aunt and uncle or something?) looking disapproving of everything and the woman tried to point me around to the other entrance, encouraging me to go in and stop whatever was happening. She didn’t like it, and she was either under the impression I was trying to collect him or just sabotage him and she was good with either. She was wearing what looked like a gorgeous pink saree.

I decided to drop it and make my exit quietly. I went back to his apartment to grab my stuff and noticed a lot of Mexican food out on the table. Apparently he’d had a gathering recently and it all looked good, but how could he leave it sitting out for this long? He deals with food for a living and I’ve never seen him not put food away so shrug? I wasn’t doing well and went to sit down in another room and stretch. I got up and walked down to the end of the hall to inspect the bathroom. I was curious about it and the fixtures were nice and it had a clean contemporary design. I was surprised. I looked in the mirror and was trying to straighten out my outfit. Black and frilly skirt, black and white pinstripe vest, black and a deep pink (almost magenta but not that dark) too that was all disheveled. Jay had come back and was trying to pick back up where he left off. I asked how it went with Jessica and how I tried to find them so I could endorse him to her. I don’t know if he found her, it hadn’t even registered to me that he stripped and drew a bath, and the water had overflowed from the tub and was now filling the bathroom. The door was open but there was what I guessed was a plexiglass barrier in the doorway to keep the water from leaking so I went from thinking about water damaged to.. I guess this is a thing?

The kid had walked up and said something fast and incoherent and then ran off. I’m guessing it was one of those ask for permission /tell your guardian what you’re doing but not waiting for the answer things. The water subsided and then Jay left the bathroom and then Priest came down the stairs and I was all wtf in my head. Like what’s he doing here? He turned around and did a double take and stared at my chest. I looked down and noticed my top was all fucked up from earlier and my rack was exposed. I stared Priest down waiting for him to leave. He had a smirk on his face and walked into the bathroom trying to get me to flinch or cover myself in shame. Neither of us associate nakedness with shame. We have a lot in common there, but that’s it. We diverge in what behavior is acceptable or appropriate when approaching others. I don’t back down, he groped me, I grabbed his arm and tried to break his elbow but failed. He just stood there amused, knowing I couldn’t hurt him. He eventually walked away.

I was either at or near the airport looking at food and caffeine options. Jay later showed up and found me as I was taking off to leave Phoenix. He was glad he hadn’t missed me yet and I was all I’m going home to my love now. That dream felt so fucking long, it felt like I have been gone for a while.