1:23AM

I was convinced to come out and see a friend’s band play at the house of blues, spotted some defcon people (it’s kinda early?), and was invited to a security thing by Palo Alto in August.  Sounds about right..? I guess.

Mandalay and MGM always makes me think of you. Even if it’s not our favorite place, Vegas is ours, and that made even a place like this a little more endearing. I have a few pragmatic reasons to stick around a little longer, but the ties that keep me here the most are emotional. It’s my last link to you, that and the office.  I know my resume doesn’t entirely suck and even if Vegas is iffy as a market I’d compete well, but I don’t have it in me to look, because of what keeps me emotionally. I’m afraid to leave this place professionally, geographically, because I’m afraid to really see what life looks like without you.

But on your end, if you find something better and have a way to improve your situation, please do what’s best for you.  I hope it opens you up to bettering your personal life too.  It’ll break me some, but I already have to make it through everything else anyway. And this decision is not about me, it’s about those 8 – 16(?) hours, 7 days a week. That needs to stop. I know what you were writing earlier was out of concern and wasn’t meant to hurt me. It didn’t. What hurts is “this.” I’m referencing everything when I say “this.” The situation in its entirety. And the thing you wrote about earlier stays between us. It’s just a small secret in our vast collection.

image

I am glad that of all the people in the world who really know me, it’s you.  You’ve known about every piece that makes me who I am from my past up to this point. Mel, Gypsy, Ashe, BB, I adore them all and keep them close in my heart, but they haven’t known me as unfiltered and vulnerable as you have.

This hurts

There are some things I know not to discuss, like the last night we spoke in person as an example. No one will know about your response regarding current events from me. You have many of my secrets too, but I’m fine with it.

I saw this coming a million miles away, I can tell Anna did too from her letter.

I know you’ve justified a lot of what’s happened to you as preventive, the whole “idle hands” thing. I know the thing we still deal with in common is very demanding, it’s one of the main reasons I wanted to make the change in May, to try and take some of that edge off.. but it still looks like you let previous excuses allow it to consume you whole. You do need a break, you do need family, you need a lot of things you’ve denied yourself.

It still breaks my heart.

4:40PM

Me: “I can’t keep anything down suddenly.” It’s the suddenly part that makes me go… dafuq is this sickness? What is this Prometheus??

Anne: Oh he’ll be fine

Me: Kaye

Anne: (what I’m saying is, you’re not dating anymore, it’s no longer your responsibility to ensure that he takes good care of himself anymore.  I know it’s tough because I still worry a LOT about Chandler’s heath)

Me: You’re right
I know you’re right
I hate everything about this

Anne: I know
Its awful

The Chemicals Between Us

To question the authenticity of an emotion or lasting goal as influenced by a dopamine enriched drug addicted state is to ignore a simultaneous function in an illogical attempt to compartmentalize it into a cause and effect.  We are chemical, neurotransmitters, hormones, DNA, everything.  This doesn’t discredit one emotion or action over another. Everyone likes to discuss dopamine and oxytocin, no one blames adrenaline, serotonin, gaba, endorphins, glutamate, or any of the other chemical we need to function for more than what they are. If we were consistent with this line of thinking we would say we’re addicted to water, to breathing, to sleeping, to being alive. They regulate every facet of our being for preservation, all of them.

Drugs manipulate the chemicals we already have within us, I was just dealing with this a week ago, and I hate how manipulating levels through scripts is essentially medically backed trial and error.  External factors influence our choices to an extent but to look at all of this in such a black and white perspective would be a fallacy and a disservice. We are not that simple.  Knowing the science that occurs behind love doesn’t take away from the magic, doesn’t water it down, and doesn’t make it fraudulent and fleeting.  We don’t love someone because the chemicals picked at random to start flooding and someone, anyone, happened to be in our presence.  And there’s no order, I think this is simultaneous.  We’re going to start converging from science to philosophy regarding love (I don’t feel like it).  But love isn’t bad, isn’t an addiction, isn’t some chemically induced lie, and can’t be simplified because we have a better understand of what goes on internally. This doesn’t devalue anything. The presence of those internal reactions reinforces it’s authenticity to me.  Trying to downplay what’s going on by relegating it to an addiction is only a lie you tell yourself.

It’s not like it’s a big deal, you’re only hurting yourself, you’re only hurting me.

Love you to the moon & back

So much came up today that I wanted to tell you about. This was nonstop. I saw Anne today for the first time in a while since she’d been in training.  She got food poisoning so our lunch plans switched to shopping plans and we got things. She liked my nails. They have stars and moons against a black and light purple background and it’s all see through.  I have the moon and stars in my hands right now. I told her I’d been feeling witchy lately and she said good and that she’d try to get some of that vibe to rub off on her since she wasn’t feeling well. And I get it, when I feel like hell and need to cope, when I feel like I have to dig deep for internal strength I feel witchy. We relate in this even though she’s actually a witch and I’m not. Ahaha

There were a lot of things today, but the one that excited me the most was I found the crescent pendant I got in 1999 and lost sometime around 2007 or 2008. I bought it from this guy who had a small shop he’d set up outside the BX at Luke AFB in the winter. We used to chat when he was open and I’d look at all the gems and random fantasy and occult ish things he had on display, he was really nice.  When it got too hot he’d leave and travel down to Tucson and Quartzsite and to other shows, then return the following winter.  I’ve been looking for this crescent off and on for yeeeeears and I found it! I’m so happy, I almost cried.  I know that’s stupid.  It was like I lost a little piece of myself, there was a lot of sentimental value in this thing.  One of my best friends in high school said she remembered my name cause of it and she’s bad with names lol. I wore it through college.  And the one I found online is identical except it has a sapphire gem and mine had an AB crystal, so I messaged the lady and asked if she’d do a custom one for me and switch the gem out.  Omg.

Please try to get some sleep, and make time for breakfast in the morning. Have a safe flight tomorrow.

5:32PM

I dont know how you could listen to what I’ve said and read what’s been written here and think that severing ties is what I’d want in a million years. Of course it’s NOT what I want. But it feels like the “right” thing to do given the circumstances. What choice have you given me? I don’t want this, not at all.

So I mentioned when mom asked me why we weren’t dating and then got super blunt about it. We were driving recently and she asked about you again cause she wanted to know how I got into this situation, and then was all fine if you don’t wanna talk about it.. And I said no that’s not it, the circumstances aren’t good and it’s not like I wanted to flaunt it in your face. So I explained as high level as possible about how we met and things clicked, and I found out about Anna later, or wasn’t willing to confirm her existence until later. How you said you hadn’t meant for anything to happen, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t.  How you felt obligated, how she was dependent financially and otherwise, and how she’s threatened suicide to keep you. And that’s when mom asked if she was Asian and I almost died laughing.

Yeah mom, she’s Chinese.

Oh. She’s bluffing. Selfish people like that won’t kill themselves.

I know…

And I said it was like you have this guilt ridden savior complex. She’s dependent on you, your mom is with the house, and my mom asked for clarification on your relationship with your mom, and I said “you know how the rest of dad’s family is?  It’s like that.” And she said ohh. And she said you’re a good son, and I was all yeah, I know. Lol. I said you have this history and habit of caring for people who are dependent on you and who latch on to you and won’t let go, and mom was all this woman doesn’t really have any honor. So she was making me laugh at what I felt like was a tragedy. I told her I tried to figure it out but had no other option but to step away and she said I did the right thing. Trying to be a woman of honor and honesty. See how well that’s going? Sigh.

Mom asked about your Japanese side and I briefly mentioned your family heritage, she’d never heard of Malta before I don’t think? Idk. I mentioned how you had fond memories of your grandmother, the ginko trees, takoyaki.  When we got home and I went upstairs to do my thing I heard her in the hall tell dad I’m a good kid. So I’m a good daughter, and you’re a good son.

I don’t know why I’m writing this out of my system and not making it private. My mother knows I love you, and she asks about you, and she sympathizes with me, and with you. And then she says you need to get yourself together cause you’re a man. Lol. Oh mom.

So no. I do not want to sever ties, but I don’t know how to make this work because you never made room for me in your life. Please think of this as a cause and effect.  The other reasons you explained to me recently, I’ve never discussed with anyone. That’s your private business and I would never want to break your trust like that. But what I’ve wanted to say is this,

You were in control of your life and your actions before you met Anna, and you will remain that way after Anna.

Because I know, because I have faith in you.  Because you can recognize and acknowledge something within yourself, and that amount of concern and sacrifice shows me you will be okay, regardless of who you are or aren’t with. This is why I’m not afraid, and this is why I believe in you.  So don’t hold on to her because you feel like she’s a fail safe. She isn’t. You don’t need anyone to be, and if she played a part in making you believe that, she’s even more terrible than I already thought she was.  And don’t let her win and hold on to you out of guilt, because suicide is an empty fucked up threat, and my mother is smart and she’s right. Stop sacrificing for lost empty causes. Stop denying yourself happiness. You are only punishing yourself.. not only. You’re taking me with you.

I want you to make room for me in your life so we don’t have to cut ties.  We don’t have to do this.  We do have better, happier, choices.  It hurts typing this, I’m sure it’ll hurt reading this.  But I still believe in you and I hope a little push and a little perspective can help you, and I really hope I’m not another selfish leech of a woman with no honor who is trying to use you and drag you down. I constantly worry about my own selfishness, I’m writing this hoping you’ll wake up and be in my life.  I want to be the opposite of what you’ve endured.  This is your pattern.  You have to break it.  I don’t want to say goodbye. Stop making me.

Make room for me. I love you. Duh.

Dream like an RPG

I fell back asleep as soon as I logged in and you confirmed you were having breakfast.

I dreamed the company sold  I saw the announcement but am not sure what happened after. A lot was going on in this dream. I was in an office with a bunch of cubes and teams were sectioned off. I saw Syd and some other people I know professionally, I saw Nicola and others from the scene. I was looking for B because he was sick and a doctor had come but I couldn’t find him. I walked around and things kept changing from residential to office. The doc followed me looking for B and groped me. After he cupped my ass I wanted to beat the shit out or him but decided to let him walk ahead. Finally I went outside and saw an orange 1972 Chevy Nova SS pull out of its parking spot and it was B driving (B has a Nisan Cube irl).  I started waving my arms and saw him look back at me in the rear view mirror, smile, nod his head in acknowledgement, and drive off. I started running down the street after him but wasn’t going to be able to keep up. I got into Korean car and hauled ass but lost him and couldn’t remember which street to turn on once I got to this casino. He was a street away, but this was Mesa.  I turned right and saw a park on the south side of the street and there was something watching me. It was a white wolf, and then there were a few of them, and then there was a bunch of white flurry not snow? and tall grass in a path where asphalt should have been. They took interest in me and started casually following.  There was a large white wolf in the road and I slammed on my brakes to make sure I could get around it, then kept going.

I was back at some other house and was letting some bunnies out to run around in the living room. A lot of people were over. I decided to take a dog for a walk and grabbed his leash then went out the front door.  This neighborhood didn’t look safe, and there was some guy across the street in another yard and someone else. Then there were people walking into the yard I was in and I was surrounded by people in these dark brown uniforms.  They said they were the authorities but I didn’t believe them. I faced the man who spoke and demanded to see a warrant and asked for the purpose of the visit. He ignored me and went through the side door into ththe kitchen. I don’t think they expected to see so many people gathered inside and when I got into the kitchen noticed one of the ladies in uniform stood back to watch what would happen.  I asked her who they really were and she said they were with an insurance firm and handled collections.  They eventually left.

I was in some other residence and saw a couple people walking around from a window upstairs. One looked like a girl in cosplay and I hadn’t seen her partner. I’d stepped outside a huge window to get a better look but then realized I was on a thin ledge and almost fell, grabbing the door frame and pushing myself back inside. I ended up in another location and watcher people snoop around looking for me, I can’t remember if this was through a video feed I planted, but the older gentleman I could hear suggested calling it off and leaving me alone after all the damage. The house blew up.

There were other bits of dream including being in a park with a friend holding his baby daughter and she declared her name was really Madeline. Like she didn’t speak it perfectly but struggled until she finally slowly sounded it out in a very determined way. At another house I was sitting on a brown couch and people were coming and going and Jay was going to Quiznos and cyber goth Bri from Phoenix was being really weird and standoffish to m but was being receptive with him and was going to some concert. So after they left I asked someone if they were dating and didn’t get an answer.

When I woke up one of my blankets was almost off my bed to my right and the other was shoved to my left and I was cold.  They’re usually one on top of the other, so I guess I moved around a lot. I hate dreams with Jay in them, and I don’t want to see B either since our friendship just ended.  I’m exhausted.

Untouchable

I hadn’t been dreaming, or remembering them lately, so I was surprised to just wake up from one where you were here.  We were laying in bed naked and kinda back to back, I think you were passed out and I rolled over towards you.  You were waking up and made some comment about how you should leave and I was all why are you in a hurry? And you said it’d be bad if we were still up here when my dad came back and I was all ohhh, and asked “okay, wanna get breakfast?” all lyrical and smiley sounding like those chicks in Mexico lol. And you said sure and got out of bed and I giggled and told you how it’s funny to me this bed remained the virgin bed since I’d never shared it with anyone, and apparently we hadn’t done anything but slept.  I told you about the bed I’m laying on right now irl, how this was the frame I picked out when I was 13 and moved out over a decade ago and came home and my parents held on to the frame for me.  This is a black wrought iron frame, but in the dream it was a brass frame like mom’s bed.

So I went to my closet to get dressed and asked you what the plan was for breakfast. You said probably “IR” since you had to meet someone up in Greenfield or Sunnyslope or somewhere way up north in Phoenix and I was all okay, and put on a white dress with a cardigan and these teal heels I used to own back in the day and contemplated switching to a red dress I just bought, and you said we didn’t have much time, and I said I was quick and asked how long do you usually wait on me to get ready? My room was different, it was bigger but still packed with my stuff and I was saying how I needed more storage, like I needed more trips to IKEA and you said you could relate to trying to make small spaces work.  And then we were outside and were  walking and this chick stopped me to ask how some power outlet worked near a pool, like it was normally off in the area unless you hit the breaker but I wasn’t sure so I apologized and kept going, but had lost you.  I turned the corner and was in this huge warehouse kind of like Costco but not as bright, and kept walking.  All the check out lanes were blocked by carts or doors and I was getting frustrated and this one lady in a vest just watched me go from dead end to dead out without saying a word, like I was her entertainment.  I yelled and then another lady who worked there helped me through.  I was walking through the grocery store looking for you and happened to see Andrew C, so I yelled Andrew!! And he walked over with a few beer growlers. I’d lost you and he’d lost Elise, and my phone buzzed and showed some weather alert for dust and thunder storms. I tried calling your phone but you wouldn’t pick up. All I remembered was anxiety here. Elise eventually showed up.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, in the house I grew up in.  The curtains were pulled back and it was bright. I had been on the floor drawing earlier and it was a picture of these very cartoony kids saying something disconcerting, but I can’t remember what. Sahar was laying down on the other couch and I told her I was going to try and call you one more time cause I was worried you were dead or something.  When I called you picked upland said “hello,” and I started taking and you could hear it in my voice that I was crying, and made some comment about “well you’re upset alright” and was super condescending.  Instead of waiting for me you went on with our plans without me and I couldn’t find you or reach you, and you gave no fucks. I was in shock, and that’s the end of this morning’s dream.

Its just a dream, a fucking anxiety filled I can’t get to you bs dream.

5:20AM

I remembered I had a dream early in June where you mentioned having family in Texas.  But I can’t remember if you told me about your father, or any other family ties to Texas before the last time we saw each other in person.

Weird.

Btw, we are like two teenagers with livejournals.  We are lj stalking each other, and it’s a goddamn loophole.  A comfortable crutch.  But in all honesty, I appreciate the transparency and the ability to peek at your words.  I know you’re not trying to push for anything.  I want to share things with you, it’s embedded in my programming now.  I want to tell you about all the awesome things.  Organic is an understatement.  Idk wtf I’m doing.  It shouldn’t be this.  We shouldn’t be like this.  We don’t know how to stop each other.  I don’t want to stop.  I want to keep going.  I’ve always wanted to break ground and establish something permanent with you.  I think this has been the most consistent thing my mind has been screaming for years.  I absolutely with all my heart love you, and I don’t want to give you up, but I’m supposed to because we’ve already hit this impasse multiple times and it hurts us both.  I can run towards you and your legs are bound.  I just want us.  More than anything. That’s why I still fail, that’s why this still feels wrong, why there is no right answer, and why indulgence and abstaining both produce the same pain.

I deserve better.  You deserve better.  We both deserve better than this.