SUGARCOATED EVIL

There was some database driven resource that was as widely used as fb but served a more important purpose (I can’t remember what it was), and this lady was telling me to back my shit up and unplug my external and other devices before Wednesday.  She wasn’t really specific but I guess from context she was saying to unplug them from anything connected to the internet then went into this huge explanation about how these services were supported on the back end and started mentioning huge tables and how they were being recklessly updated and that’s when I realized she was talking about databases cause I don’t speak DBA.  But this was going to be some huge y2k kind of apocalyptic problem and all I could think was if it’s so important why isn’t that shit on lockdown and why aren’t they taking snapshots at certain intervals.  Even if I’m not a DBA that’s.. common sense.

Woke up from a legitimate nightmare I was being all  affectionate on the guy who raped me when I was 17 so I could get him alone and kill him.  Someone who used to be a friend of an ex was there and knew about me sabotaging the wiring in his truck and about me trying to get him to follow me in there.  I was anxious he’d tell him before I could do anything and that he’d kill me first before I had the chance to execute my plan.

My stomach hurts. so. bad.

In this morning’s dream my iPhone split in half when it hit a table or something and it was solid metal except for the middle there was some blue oval on both halves like it had a core or a blue spine. And I put the two halves back together and it turned on but started to get super hot so I pulled it apart.

There was some other part of the dream where a bunch of people went to some amusement park and we were back at the hotel and I was laying on the middle of the bed with Thomsen to my right and this guy I’d been talking conspiracies with to my left, and as kept talking Thomsen was increasingly running my arm or grabbing my hand or whatever to show some kind of dominance or coupledom or something idk and I told him to stop, and then the guy I’d been conversing with mentioned food and I was all fuck yeah cause our group walked past this Mexican place earlier and I expressed interest and was shot down.  And we mentioned it to some friends in the room and they were all nah and I was all whatever and Thomsen brought me shrimp molcajete and there was a table in front of us.  It looked different than the one in AZ and wasn’t as good but the nostalgia was there and it was a nice gesture.

Had the weirdest dream I was part of some huge roller derby competition coming up and was in a large group discussing it and was sitting on the floor.

There were other bits of the dream referencing Saya from Blood +, mostly about her not aging and sleeping a lot, I heard Lana Del Rey’s Blue Jeans playing, J. Saint wasn’t acting like himself, I was trying to figure out next semester cause the university was killing some program I was part of and wasn’t sure if I’d continue theater, I think I was working on some humanities degree but still wasn’t sure what I’d do after graduation and it was coming up fast, like a year or so.  There was a small fluffy animal in the dream that was a pet but not sure if it was mine and not sure what it was but it was round and had a bushy tail and was brown and about the size of a large squirrel but wasn’t.

So sleepy. This insomnia bad. >_<

Ughhh emotionally draining dream.  You were going  to marry Kristina and it was eating me up inside.  It was either almost the wedding day or it was the wedding day and we were all sitting on this large mat on the floor and I had all these marks on me that looked like lipstick stains.  Kristina asked how that happened and I legit had no idea, there was some conversation going back and forth and she said something like “you know who you should put a ring on?” And grabbed my left hand and pointed to my ring finger “This girl.  Right here.”  And I was shocked and speechless.  Kristina and I have been friends from work and acquainted for years, she wasn’t feeling what was going on with the plans, and she knew neither of us were going to speak up.  We were in the back of some car or in an uber or whatevs and it was snowing out, I watched the snowflakes fall and had so many mixed feelings,  I was excited and upset and grateful to her for pulling the plug and confused and hurt you weren’t saying anything or confirming one way or the other. I was sitting on a couch and you walked past to sit down at a kitchen table, you were wearing a dark robe and I was on my black one.  You hadn’t said a word to me, I wasn’t sure what was going on.  Were you no longer interested because you had “permission” to be with me?  Were you upset about Kristina’s honesty and that she acknowledged me? Idk.  I started thinking about logistics and how I already have some personal days and vacation, thinking about when I could come visit if you weren’t ready to visit me.  I thought I could just stay with you until I remembered your living situation and wondered if she was still there or if you were letting her stay theron as long as she wanted and who knew how long that would be… it’s like my brain switched it back to Anna without changing names.  There was no interaction from you and I thought at first maybe you needed time and then realized trying to make excuses as time went on was more of an attempt to help me cope than it was for your sake.

Had a dream I was 29, I mean it’s not that far off (only 4 months away ish).  But I can’t remember what happened in it. *shrugs*

I was sitting in a booth talking with some people about random movie references and Zack and Miri came up and Jonah Hill was sitting in the booth behind our group and chimed in on the conversation.  And the guy sitting next to me was telling a story and quoting some movie (can’t remember which one) and while quoting got really close and kissed me then said a couple lines, then kissed me agin, more lines, this went on and I knew the part and ran with it and kissed back, then just started laughing.  He was pretty, he looked a lot like Brice from college which was weird af.  And he was good at storytelling and holding everyone’s attention irl too.  I was standing in his house looking at pictures and trinkets and stuff while he talked about friends at a university who were probably over at his house in Idaho and I paused and thought about the one night stand that wouldn’t go away a few years ago… then got nervous because even though I’ve always been hopeful, and I’m sure more people are hopeful than they’re willing to admit, historically after I’ve slept with someone I’ve ghosted for one reason or another.  Unless it’s been discussed prior and you know you’ll never see each other again usually it’s not planned that way.  This makes me hesitant when I’m hopeful or invested in someone.  And I have to like someone enough to even run these algorithms in my head.  Shits complicated. So I looked back over at where he just was and he’d walked over to me and had me sit on this large container and it freaked me out for a sec cause I thought he was going to pick it up and move me and he didn’t. I got all weird and noticed I was backing off so he did the same and went to go do something else and I followed. Weird af dream.

I was in a tiny bathroom stall trying to change out of a shirt and jeans into a black dress and the doors / walls were excessively low so if you were taller you could see over the walls, it was awkward af. And it looked like the inside of a lounge in a spa or a gym.  There were a bunch of women inside and I waited to see if they’d leave and they weren’t going anywhere so I tried to do the whole wiggle into the dress under the shirt thing and realized they were never gonna leave cause they were part of this huge bachelorette party, and I looked up at the tv on the wall and noticed they were watching hentai which was just adding to the weird.  Then I noticed the chick had a large bow in her hair and thought was this La Blue Girl? I think I recognize this.. man that’s old.  And I know other stuff happened in the dream but can’t remember.

I was dreaming that I was over at a house party and a friend was trying to start something with me when I’m bff’s with his wife (and I’m aware of their marital issues) so it just made me feel extremely uncomfortable and upset inside at him and for her.  It put me in a weird position where I had a knee jerk reaction to pull away while trying to remain courteous (and I hate how even irl that responsibility is thrust upon us when being pursued and we have to figure out how to act accordingly while trying to preserve the friendship).  And I chugged a lot of soda in that dream and rarely drink soda… I mean irl the last time I had soda was at a Mexican restaurant in AZ and that’s a special exception.

Woke up with a really bad stomach ache. 🙁

In my dream this morning I was expecting, I had a small but pretty firm bump and had no idea how this was lining up because timelines were off.  I wasn’t sure where to go with it at the moment but everything was chaotic and it felt hard keeping up with life.  I was standing on the street and saw a large mall on my left, and some small stops and houses around the neighborhood,  I guess the area was zoned for both residential and commercial stuff, and there was some lady who had a place for rent and I started wondering if that would work or if I should move on and keep looking.

I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car in a parking lot and you were in the driver seat, we were just talking and laughing and almost shoulder to shoulder on the arm rest between us.  You’d just become a director in a sister department in my company. And Z walked over to the car and said he needed to talk to me for a minute so I got out and he scolded me saying I can’t EVER do that again, and then I wasn’t sure if he realized I was your referral and we really knew each other, or if he had no idea we knew each other period and was freaked out about us chatting and being in each other’s personal space.  So I was all okay, it won’t happen again and followed him in the parking lot back to the building while thinking to myself about how I need to eventually tell him about my baking and to find out how maternity leave works there… but not yet.  And you followed us from behind in the lot back to the office.

We were at some (what I’m guessing was) some corporate sponsored event and I was sitting at a table with my team, there was someone sitting between Z and I but I can’t remember who she was, and I recognized the music playing was Purity Ring’s Begin Again.  You were on a couch talking with some peeps a couple tables down and I tried to sit up straight and peek without being noticed by Z or anyone.

It was dark out, I mean it was late late and some peeps were out and others were passed out like one of those large parties hosted by peeps with large houses who are cool with friends sleeping over instead of driving, and I went into another room to deal with some task and then was moving my clothing from this standing rack into another space by cutting the plastic off from… I’m guessing the dry cleaner? Some hangers had a few dresses on them and I cut too far, turning my blue Cinderella gown into a a shorter party dress, and destroyed some other lace dress in the process.  I paused the then I thought someone was coming over and then wondered if Z was watching to make sure I was behaving. There was a table in the back with some silver trays and I was assessing to see how much food was left while snacking and a lady in a blazer and slacks came up and started taking dishes away and asked if I needed anything, so I asked if there was bacon because everyone would be up and would want breakfast soon. And she said there was and she’d handle it.

I walked up a small set of stairs past some town homes and behind it were smaller apartments. Mom was sitting in the hall and there were two doors, I had keys but wasn’t sure which door to go through to get upstairs to our space.  Then I was standing in some arcade watching something on a screen with a couple people and then went back to the place with the two doors and things were bad, and I was thinking if things were this complicated and we were banned from each other cause corporate, I should be able to tell you to just marry me and then I wouldn’t be standing here (under scrutiny figuratively, and where I was literally). And then they wouldn’t be all weird about me watching my steps, or even if they dropped me you shouldn’t mind taking care of me.  But I dare not say such things because I already know you’d say no, and that upset and disappointed me, but there was so much going on I had to settle for mad so I could deal with whatever was happening, and then I woke up.  What a chaotic headache.

I can’t remember everything about all these dreams I had last night but the part that stands out was all in 3rd person after a while. I remember bits about walking around and mom calling me over to look at business advertisements or what I’m guessing were salons or massage places, like we were judging whether to investigate or not by how their doors and inside business looked. One door was kind of open and looked more like a residence. This elderly Chinese lady with super short gray hair was there and ignored me,  then when I went around the corner I saw her at a stand behind a lot of merch that looked a lot like the oriental gift shops at the Chinese Cultural Center in Phoenix.  We walked over and browsed, looking at fans and printed mouse pads.  The lady made a comment saying she hoped the girl would find her there, and I assumed that meant behind the stand instead of around the corner at her front door, the doors were inside like the galleries downtown, or like Emergency Arts in Fremont.  I asked the lady if she was waiting on an appointment and she confirmed, then I wondered to myself if I’d made the appointment and forgotten about it.

I was somewhere dealing with studying for some test, “like you’d watch content and we’re tested on it, and there were three parts, but I was standing somewhere else in a living room and turns around to see the answers in the video that was on the tv that was mounted on the wall behind me.  I realized it was the same video over and over and the test was asking the same questions.

There was the 3rd person bit where there was this kid (teenager) who was a ginger and he kept having these weird interactions.  One was with another lady with long red hair in a black winter coat, and they’d met up a couple times.  Then they were standing in some place that looked abandoned, with wooden walls and windows that had been destroyed or blown out, and he’d offered to get her coffee and she  was appreciative and thought it was cute while being condescending like it was pointless and wouldn’t help matters.  Then I realized she had to be his mother and she had him hella young, like probably when she was his age, or not much older.  She started rambling nonsense and was having a breakdown then said this is why she has to do this and pulled out a gun and started bringing it up to her head when he yelled no and ran up to grab the gun.  She fired in the struggle and when she looked down he was on the floor with his right eye gone, and his hand blown off.  She started screaming and freaking out, her coat was off and she was wearing some cream colored top under it that was covered in blood, and she couldn’t go through with killing her self so she called a friend who picked her up so she could finish having her breakdown in the back seat while the friend kept driving.

There were some other bits after like this kid being super into bowling and a group of people going to watch games and encourage his enthusiasm.  There was another friend who changes his name online from Randy to “son of Aaron” or something like that (I know nothing about his dad or what his name would be irl). That part of the dream earlier with the kid and his mom was just so bad.

I was dreaming it was the end of the world earlier this morning and the sky was dark and pretty, and I laid down on a bench and you laid down beside me and held me while we watched the stars flicker out.  But it wasn’t scary cause you were with me.

In my dream I said my due date was April 16th.

Umm… no?

Dreamed of an adorable yet strangely mature 3-eyed little boy who loved Skinny Puppy. Couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old. I met him when I was trying to break into a little white prairie church for refuge from some bad people. Inside the church was… something not church-like though. I can’t remember. Portals or machinery or a secret base or something and I was seeking temporary safety and answers/clues while on a recon mission. The kid was also doing reconnaissance, dropped off by his big brother, and he was hunting me at first because he noticed me while patrolling the perimeter, and I didn’t know his intentions so I ran, which turned into a weird game of armed hide and seek, then he caught up to me, and we realized we had the same enemies and interests so we decided to be friends. He gave me a high five for liking Skinny Puppy and he laughed; all three of his eyes were beautiful clear blue and he had long adorable eyelashes. He didn’t look strange to me at all, though I could see he wasn’t “normal”.
I have been having crazy jam packed plot-filled dreams full of family and friends and being on a mission or escape or problem solving, but as soon as I wake up it all fades so fast I can’t even define it long enough to write it all down. I feel like my subconscious is working very hard on a puzzle or something and reaching out to/checking up on lots of people.

This morning you were in my dream.  Someone was interviewing me on the radio and you were responsible for it.. it was your fault lol. I can’t remember if you were going on air after or not.  But I remember you saying San Mateo feared you, and that wasn’t referencing any one office or party, that implied the entire region. And I guess some peeps were bending over backwards to complete tasks you’d requested so they wouldn’t die.. or something. It was very nonchalant and weird.  But I guess you were still being nice and considerate to me and my endeavors so I might have been benefiting from this tyranny and didn’t give it another thought past thinking things were a little odd.  Also weird. ._.

I don’t remember much else other than being at a Taco Bell drive through with Shaun and another friend getting those 12 packs of tacos that come in the boxes so we could bring them back to Defcon, which is appropriate since they had those at a dc party at Defcon 23.

Also, I know I’m smol but dream you seemed extra taller for some reason.

Nightmares are fun.
I dreamt I was trapped in a haunted house because all of my companions thought it was cool and I for some reason wouldn’t leave them. I just constantly tried to get them to leave with me. When night came the doors slammed shut and people started dying.
For those of you who were in my dream WTF WHY YOU DO THIS?!?