Dim sum, video games, & concerts

This weekend was incredibly busy.  I had an appointment in the morning that I originally thought was in the afternoon, but it opened up my day to check out this cute pop up market in Chinatown and I invited Liam out.  We met at the Chinatown station and ran around the market for a bit.  I picked up a few prints from some of the artists and then he took me to a dim sum place he knew a few blocks away, its the best dim sum I’ve had since I moved here.  Then we went to a store with a bunch of anime stuff and figures that could be painted, then to a game store that had an NES set up with Mario 3 so we played a few rounds in the first world. I wanted to buy everything there.  I got an email a package was delivered to my old address so we took the train there and after picking it up did a couple raids in Pokemon Go.  We ended up getting coffee and talking for a couple hours, then dinner in SLU and then went to Adelita’s Way at El Corazon on a whim.  I had that show on my calendar as a reminder but forgot they were playing this weekend.  All of the opening acts were great too, and Adelita’s Way is great live.  We went back to the park after but the buses already stopped for the night so we grabbed Uber’s and went home.  I was so wiped out and never intended to be out so late, but it was worth it and I’m glad we made it to the show.

I meant to get more unpacking and other work done today but shattered my phone screen (for the first time ever) and that kind of ruined my day.  My phone just hit two years, and I was on the fence to upgrade because I didn’t want to deal with it even though my phone was acting buggy. Ended up at the store and upgraded devices, at least it wasn’t much of a transition, but the set up is still time consuming and annoying. I’m so tired, why am I still awake?

Rain, ramps, and running

I lost a lot of details since I’ve been up taking care of a couple things, but will try…

I was running around with these two chicks and one had a mean girls vibe going so I went full goth for this one (more attitude than attire) and then I was at home but it was nothing like home irl, the entryway was huge and very formal, Idk how else to describe it. I got into some confrontation with my parents and stormed out and it was pouring out, so I was walking around aimlessly at night, getting rained on.

And then ended up in some building that was partially under construction or renovation or Idk, and ended up being chased by someone and ran into Liam so we went up this flight of stairs to another part of the building that wasn’t done cause he knew about this ramp that was attached to the top of the stairs we could slide down (it was massive) and I did, and then I was outside and there were these guys working at this doc but they were in like swat gear and were all wtf, and then he came down the ramp and we ran. And then he mentioned having to go take care of something, and when I turned around he’d already left before I could hit on him. ._.

12:55AM

Went to bed at 3:00AM packing, woke up at 7:30AM this morning to resume. Had a 16 hour day before stopping, and that was over an hour ago.  I’m tired, and ache, but still have some insomnia going.  I’m not done yet, but this is my first night at the new place.  No chirping from intersections downstairs saying it’s safe to cross, no dog barking, weights clanking, or people screaming outside… at least not at the moment (and hopefully it stays that way).  My new neighbor to the left has been blasting their music and the bass really comes through downstairs, but they’ve been  stopping around the time I want to attempt going to bed, so so far this isn’t a bad trade. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

2:34AM

I can hear some guy yelling outside on the ground floor, and the chirping in the intersection indicating it’s safe to cross the street.  It’s chaotic downstairs… the yellings getting worse while I’m typing on here.

Its late, I should be asleep so I can keep packing tomorrow. *sigh*

10:11PM

Fuuuuuuuuuck!  Was so exhausted I fell asleep around 7 hoping to catch up on sleep and just woke up… so this only counts as a 3 hour nap.  This has been an issue, I either fall asleep when it’s easiest, then wake up and go back to sleep super late, or try to prevent it by staying up a couple hours later but end up being more awake when I intend to go to sleep and still have insomnia.  I guess yay at least I napped?

I guess I could use this time to pack, or do homework.  I took a break from university but still have homework from therapy, or could keep running through python if my brain will let me, or there’s something else I must be forgetting.

And as soon as I wake up, I can’t stop thinking about you.  Which is nothing new, but I’m used to dealing with it in the mornings and not right now, not this intense.  The loneliness and how bad I miss you are extra bitter right now.  I can’t believe how when you needed space, I still missed you but it was much easier because I wasn’t waiting to hear from you.  And now that you’re “back” you’re also back to your old cadence and it’s a hard one for me to emotionally swallow. And it was different when I needed to handle things for a couple weeks, you shut the world off to cope, and I understand why.  It’s becsuse even though you’ve been willing to initiate some more over time, it’s always me keeping it going, or randomly reaching out past noon.  I know after a certain time of day, like weekends, I won’t hear back, and when it’s that overwhelming I’ve tried to retreat and become inactive so I wouldn’t give into my impulses to bomb you with messages and demand the attention I want.  This is usually when I hear from you, and am relieved, and then the afternoon comes, rinse repeat. This is why I’m worse when we’re open versus when one of us is on hiatus.  Not that it makes sense, none of this does.  I have a lot of things I’m holding back and not asking. I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to discuss them since I won’t do it here.

2:43AM

FML it’s 2:43AM. This sleep things feeling like an all or nothing kind of thing, and my neck hurts. It’s been inflamed so much the last couple weeks and massage and ibuprofen is only handling it for little bits at a time, wtf?!

So exhausted and aggravated and out of it and want someone to take care of me and comfort me and stuff right now. *angst*

3:54AM

I swear I’m an atheist…

Do I “fit” whatever’s affiliated with Aries/Dragon?  The western woo is a fire sign, my year element is earth, and the first character of my name in Chinese is water.  I think all I’m missing there is air?  Either I will become the most badass mage to walk the earth, or this shit is so mixed up it would be ludicrous to try and make anything of it outside of entertainment.

Fml it’s late, and the insomnias finally throwing me into delusional.

Patterns

I like breaking things:

  • gender roles
  • stereotypes
  • generational cycles of *insert negative thing here*
  • expectations
  • patterns

This is kind of funny since it’s been my job to fix things for years.  Maybe I should switch to breaking things there too. But yeah,  it’s been a life mission to break out of cycles instead of continuing to be trapped in them, whether itwas from someone else looping me into their patterns, or trapping myself into old habits.  It’s been a very reflective transition into winter.  This has been going through my mind today as I replaced things like the keys in my purse, subscriptions to services, and ran over my hour appointment chatting about random stuff with my banker after planning financial ish.  He finally shooed me away saying I was the kind of person he could talk to forever.  Which I guess might be a complement?  And it was good he ended the conversation there or I would have been late to the next appointment.

It’s nice to see a light at the end of the tunnel with this move, and even though works been awkward lately, at least I feel like I know what I’m doing in my personal life right now *don’t let this thought jinx this pls* I remember not knowing wtf to do with both a while ago, but a lot of stress dropped off today and I am grateful.  Trying to be more patient, trying to set things up now for an easier 2018.

2:54AM

It’s almost 3AM.  There seems to be a reoccurring theme here, lol.  I don’t get it, I’m home way before midnight and still don’t fall asleep at a decent time.  Maybe it’ll get better once I’m in the new place?  I need to enforce a routine again.  And I’ve noticed I’ve been venting more on here recently too, but I feel like it’s letting me get it out of my system as it periodically rises, so I’ll run with it.

Today I went to see my first ballet.  It was great and I don’t know why it took so long for me to get over some hang ups.  I’d made a comment recently about how I reserved some things in my mind as things I couldn’t do by myself, like it wouldn’t be special enough if it wasn’t a shared thing, or would be boring, or just sad.  I think this is why I haven’t been pushing for international travel as much, even though its still a thing I want.  And then I decided I could enjoy things later when I have someone to enjoy them with, but I can still go do them now on my own.  I was the only person stopping myself, so I got the tickets.

I made a list a couple days prior of all the different things I hadn’t done in this city, and I’ve been here a year… and even though it wasn’t a priority I still saw a bit of the touristy stuff and the cultural stuff.  I think once I’m out of downtown I’ll be able to breathe.  I can visit, I can take it or leave it, instead of being immersed in it 24/7.  This is a beautiful state, and the nice drives and the trees and mountains are not far away.  Maybe having more space up north, and going through my list of local things will help me like it here more.  It worked with Vegas. And I got to check off ballet, and taking the monorail today.

3:40AM

It’s 3:40 in the morning, on Black Friday, and my mind is busy trying to solve puzzles and trying to solve questions that have no answers. I can’t believe how much stuff has happened recently.  My brain is so used to not letting a problem, perceived problem, or something with an unsatisfactory answer go, and I’m so used to researching the fuck out of something until I get the answer I’m looking for, or at least have a better understanding of it. And I’ve finally come to understand not all things work that way, and some things will never have answers and we will all have to make peace with that.  But I am still having trouble aligning my emotions with the logic I already possess.  It’s like I kill a lot of brain cycles on unimportant things, and it’s not leaving bandwidth for legitimately important stuff.  Can I call this mental malware? Or a bug? I’m glitchy.  Like, I’ve been wanting a chassis upgrade  forever, but now my CPU’s fucked up due to corrupt OS.  And we know it’s bad when we’re about to shift from computer analogies into programming jokes.

I feel stuck on so many levels in so many ways, even though I’ve made progress in the last year on a few things. It’s like, I’ve been relegated to smaller incremental efforts… because life, and life throwing middle fingers.  I need to try something new professionally, I’ll implement that next week.  I needed to move because my current environments been bad for me, in the middle of doing something about it.  Moving is awful.  My apartments half packed, I have the walkthrough for the new place this weekend, scheduled movers, scheduled move out cleaners, scheduled carpet cleaners after, scheduled walkthrough to return keys.  Called the electric company, water utility, garbage service and I guess they’ll deliver garbage and recycling bins in a couple weeks.  Still can’t pin an ISP down because the property is so new it’s not in the system yet, and this is getting uncomfortably close to the move date.  Switched insurance companies cause I found a better policy, scheduled the old policy to end next month, scheduled all the other services to drop off next month, set a reminder to return the router to the old ISP because even though I wanted to just go out and buy one, I was talked out of it. Not that it matters right this second.

Some friends asked me over Thanksgiving dinner when the housewarming party was, and I was all uhhhh….. I’m still packing, I’ll get back to you on that one.  I mean, I’ve never thrown a proper one before and the ideas appealing but I can’t even think about it right now. I’m so mentally exhausted.  I know we all run that way to an extent anyway, but we’re all accustomed to certain loads, and I’m overextending with the move, trying to keep up with therapy, work, follow up appointments, dealing with PD, and take care of myself without cutting corners.  I let the packing go for the last couple days, partook in gluttony at a friends house, am laying here undecided on whether or not I’ll join the masses in spending a stupid amount of money on stuff tomorrow.  I kind of want a new coat, it’s colder than I’m used to here… still.  At least the PD thing is done, it was difficult hearing what they had to tell me, and it was very disheartening, but I tried my best.  Look at me adulting AF over here.  I’m not any more accomplished, or satisfied, or feel put together.  I keep flip flopping. emotionally. on. everything.  Right now it’s somewhere between numb and something Idk or understand, but makes me wish I was closer to apathy.  I’m still exhausted, still feel like I’m always forgetting that one thing that’ll end me and render all the effort null, despite the rolling to do lists I keep.  I don’t remember how to be content.  Adding some time for gaming has been helping a little, bit those silent moments are fleeting. I’m just going to crawl back into the abyss and see where my dreams end up taking this.. which should be entertaining and probably fucking awful.  Good night.

The software engineer

Went on a sudo date thing? Idk.  I never really know.  While I was up north this morning he texted that he was going to be downtown and asked if I wanted to grab food. I had some time between an errand and an appointment so we got brunch and then went our separate ways.  After my appointment I hit him up to see where he was at and he was in the neighborhood so he went with me to grab boxes, then we got Mexican food for dinner, ranted about video games, music, the concerts we’ve been to recently, Starcraft, Maple story, our industry, how shittily our industry is paid in Canada apparently, and anime… so. much. anime. And hentai.  I really appreciate it when I can have a candid discussion about hentai with a lot of humor.

We ended up tracking down green tea dessert at this Taiwanese boba dessert place a mile away after discussing the infatuation Japanese society seems to have for Paris, and how there must be French bakeries in Japan with the cutest pastries.  And he mentioned green tea flavor pastry.  He also said coffee in Tokyo was awful, like he had to seek out Starbucks, and there was a Seattle’s Best there. Lol.  We split this green tea red bean honey toast, I never had one before and really wanted to try it, and he offered to help so I didn’t die. It tastes like breakfast. But it wasn’t bad. He insisted on getting dessert and I appreciated it.  We ended up spending a lot of the day together, which was nice.  It’s been a while since I’ve been out with someone and was fully present.  My mind is usually cluttered and distracted, and it was great to not have anything else on my mind while we were running around town today.

The last time we ended up hanging out was at an arcade to play Queen Bee in Fremont, and then getting food at the awesome metal bar down the street, and that was legit too.  And I can’t tell what’s happening.

!@#$ you too brain

Had a dream the ex won the lottery when we were still dating then he ghosted me. Alarm went off, reset it and went back to sleep.

Also just hallucinated / dreamed my second alarm went off. It doesn’t go off for another 26 minutes .

Transparency

I’m getting my ass kicked right now.  It’s hard to adjust to the cold weather, I’ve never lived anywhere this cold or wet before, and my system isn’t handling it gracefully.  With that, work, prepping everything for a move, and dealing with the report, I’m succumbing to the exhaustion.  The insomnia and recovery schedules bad, the pains bad… due to today’s flare I took the day off work, and other than a couple minor phone calls, slept, watched Netflix, played a couple video games, ordered pho, and didn’t get anything done.  It feels bad, it feels like there’s never time to do nothing, but I also know resting is a necessary evil. If I get worse I’m sol.  I know this logically, knowing is emotionally hasn’t sunk in yet.  Will it ever?

I’ve been feeling sick.  Not viral sick, but stomach sick.  Idk if it’s stress, it’s not the chronic nausea I’m used to.  But I haven’t pursued another specialist on this one, I needed a break after cycling through a bunch of doctors over the summer and had a couple follow ups at the beginning of the month.  I’m trying to prioritize and fix as much of this as I can and try to keep reminding myself to focus in this order: sleep, hydrate, eat, work, deal with the move and other things after.  I skipped a concert I really wanted to go to tonight, because priorities.

It still feels like a lot of things are missing.  I feel like I’m running with many deficits, and the one that kills me is the deficit of wisdom.  I’ve gotten better at seeing when I’m overloaded, and at backing off temporarily instead of imploding like I used to, but it still feels insufficient.  I’ve added more time for gaming lately to give myself a mental break, and tried to do a little origami to get into the habit of doing something creative again.  I feel like that part of me died and I’m trying to raise the dead here. I feel like I can still take risks with my life choices if I believe in them, but I’m drifting and haven’t figured out the next thing yet.  This feels like a hiatus.  I might have lost my path a little while spending some time where I am currently.  It’s not a bad place, it just doesn’t feel like there’s anything for me and I should be more active in deciding what happens now.   I always have a restless mind when I’m sleep deprived and my body aches.  None of this probably makes sense, but getting it out of my system still helps a little.

strange parties

I’m missing a lot of detail but am still remembering a few others of a dream I had earlier this morning, it’s weird.

I was on the second floor in a large house (it wasn’t new, had wooden rails along the second floor to the stairs, probably older than mid century… Idk… and Jay was there and was getting ready to go out.  So was someone else and me and that person were hanging out while I laid on the floor with the pets, and then there was a tiger in the room that chilled with us.  And then I was out and it was evening-ish, at some large venue and saw a bunch of friends hanging out in formal wear, Wifey, Violet, Jovi, many others.  I went inside the house (not sure if it was the same one) and saw more people hanging out inside, I went into a bedroom and Jay was there painting himself to look like Deadpool,  like it was going on as paint but dried looking like fabric material. And some chick came in with a six pack of something and then said something I can’t remember, left, then came right back. There was a brief exchange I couldn’t remember and he got up and left, and then he went after her and I think there was some misunderstanding, and I wanted to go clear it up so I followed.  Then asked some people sitting around if they saw where they went, then said “which way did the drama go?” They pointed out the glass door and I followed.

It was light outside, it was daytime and I saw some people hanging out but not them so I started walking to the lot and was adjusting my dress as I went.  It was white and fluffy, and I had some thing long shawl wrapped around me like ribbon, and got into the cube and decided to leave, but ith r o poke were in the way and I had to park it back in the dirt lot, and fought with the clutch and break, then moved the stick around to make sure it was in neutral, but successfully parked it.  And there was this group of guys parked in a car behind me, and hey asked me about some cake business across the street I knew nothing about.  Ram was with them, and we were inside some other house. It was rundown, these people were rude, some were dressed like punks. There was a knock at the door and I saw through the blinds two goth girls were there, probably to pick me up. One had purple dreads or falls (can’t remember), the other had purple and green I think? And I went down thto hall to use the bathroom before leaving and then Shelley was there to make sure I was alright but my stomach was wrecked and then I woke up. ._.

I hope you are well

I was thinking about something this morning and wanted to ask you if you were okay but abstained.

Now that I know, I hope things aren’t too rough and that you’ll be more than just alright or okay.  That’s not enough, you deserve so much more.

 

I will be thinking about you.

Scorched Earth

Just woke up from an awful dream. Sidney and a few others were there.  My assaulter from when I was 17 was there.  He was inserting himself into my life again and wouldn’t go away.  He tried to kill my  credibility in matters unrelated to the assault and was systematically meeting people in my social circle and was destroying my reputation. I had enough and said fine, let me talk about a situation in general and you tell me when you’d call it. I started describing generic truths and laid out facts to set the  stage, when I finally got to where I was about to ask the rhetorical “when is it okay to sneak into a room in the middle of the night and get on top of someone?” And had some follow up on how that’s not consent.  I was terrified, but too angry and hostile to back down.  I had that kamikaze, I’ll sacrifice myself and take you down with me, mentality to keep pushing, like I had nothing else to lose.  Things got chaotic around us and he took advantage of it, or he instigated it, I’m not sure, and the conversation degraded as people around us were distracted and he got up.

I went to the room he retreated into and started speaking truths he could not deny.  I called him out on everything he did to me and told him to leave and never come back.  He grabbed a laptop and clicked on some icon that launched a client that looked like it was connecting to vpn. He then showed me how he was spoofing me online. My name, the IP assigned to me, my professional profiles, my personal data, anything and everything people would use to interact with me online was there and it was an awful display of control.  He wanted to destroy me with it, whether that was by showing me or from actually using it.  And I was shocked, I didn’t know what to do.  He started talking about other things I couldn’t remember, then suggested I could drop everything and learn how he did it and how to dismantle it from him. I felt defeated.  I said fuck it, accepted scortched earth policy, burn everything in my life, let it go if I can’t stop anything myself and woke up shortly after.  I’m pissed off I didn’t  think of going to others for help in the dream.  Even if I don’t know how to do something, or guard against something, I probably know someone who does.

I feel sick.  I’m supposed to go to Disneyland tomorrow.

Blood

Had this awful mixed up dream with all this crazy stuff going on but the last part was this lady coming down with her guards or whoever behind her examining the group she captured.  We were sitting in a circle, and while we all looked human I don’t think everyone was.  She went around saying welcome and would touch their shoulder or knee as she did it.  When she got to mom she said welcome and touched her knee, then her calf really roughly and a couple other spots (her legs were elevated in some wheel chair bed thing, and the lady had some device in her hand and punctured mom’s left leg so deep.  She was hemorrhaging blood, the lady filled a cup with it and dumped it out, then somehow passed me because I was further back in the circle and kept going.  I was freaking out inside, how do I get her to a doctor, we need to leave now. And that’s when I woke up.  So nauseated.

Reality?

From a nap:

I was walking up to this bridge in a neighborhood that looked like some pedestrian overpass and noticed some cop suv and wondered if I’d been spotted, then had the sudden feeling I was being chased like I was some replicant… but that’s a metaphor since those aren’t real, but I was being hunted for something and was ignorant on why.  I walked onto the bridge that was in poor shape a few feet ahead with broken white brick under concrete and about a two feet gap where you could see the road under it.  There was grass and other growth on and around it. I jumped across the gap and ran off the bridge as some of it crumbled behind me.  There was a police dog chasing me and I ran through a suburban neighborhood into a building that appeared to be large enough to be a high school?  I ran through the hall and looked behind to see the dog, looked behind again and saw the dog at it’s starting point when I’d gotten further and realized I was seeing decisions and movements seconds before they actually happened so I could adjust my path accordingly, and ran outside. I was in yoga pants and running shoes so that made it a bit easier, but also realized in the hall I was willing myself to go faster and started to question the outcome or if I was human.

I woke up in bed but the room was arranged differently where the bed was close to the wall with the door to the bathroom so there was space for a sitting area on the opposite wall,  got up and noticed the items on top of my dresser, walked into the bathroom and noticed some standing water in the tub, and went to the sink.  I walked back into the bedroom and stared at the mirror for a minute and moved it and started playing with myself.  My anatomy looked different in the dream, less compact.

I woke up in bed again in a darker room (suggesting it was night time) even though the first time was pretty dim too, and noticed my bed was in the center of the room with a tv on top of a stand to my right.  There was a controller next to me and when I grabbed it realized it was a wireless PS4 controller and I’d forgotten to turn the console off.  Got up, walked to the full length mirror on the corner, noticed something seemed off but wasn’t sure what, and walked to the opposite side of the room where the window was to look out.  I didn’t recognize the city, the buildings were huge and different, there were so many solar panels, and so many things on roofs that looked like capacitors, but they were larger than building AC units.  It was like living in some area where the topology was designed to look like a motherboard.  It was disorienting… I noticed the two large capacitors by my other window and got this uneasy feeling like.. what if those exploded?

I woke up in bed again in a room set up more like the previous one and laid in bed for a minute before getting up and sitting in a chair facing the mirror.

I woke up for the fourth time, and now I’m writing this out.

Spinal surgery

Woke up from this dream I was dealing with a couple coworkers from the east coast office and some storm was rolling in. The sky had that dramatic divide like when a haboob ones through and you can see where the blue sky disappears from the vertical wall or dust, only these were dark gray storm clouds.  I was in the car waiting for Andrew to get in and realized my backpack and a bunch of paperwork were in the passenger seat so I started to move everything to the back and when he opened the door, sat a box of assorted donut holes down, and helped. I grabbed a couple of glazed ones looking for a chocolate one and ate them, he grabbed the box and I was all waaaaait, and he asked if I was sure about that and I said yeah, I’d deal with the consequences, referencing the gluten. And I grabbed a chocolate one and devoured it.

I was sitting in the backseat and one of my coworkers from Scottsdale was in the drivers seat and I said to pull over since it was my car, and he did and I got out to take over but we stopped in this building we parked outside of.  It had wooden walls and a few coworkers from other companies were there.  I saw Todd and he seemed pretty out of it on the couch.  I looked out the window and watched the clouds.  A couple other guys came up to look and when I looked at the window again the clouds were mostly gone.

I went outside and most of my belongings were on this bench on the sand that was slowly ending up in water, or the tide was slowly rising so I was trying to gather everything quickly before the water rose too much. And it was taking too long so I pulled on the side of the bench towards me, it moved forward and I fell on the sand.  Then grabbed my bag.

Sabrina was going through this experimental surgery where she needed a small piece of my spine, like around my tailbone or maybe the very last vertebra, and I didn’t remember discussing prior but was going along with it. She’s been dealing with repeat surgeries irl life and is waiting on a third soon for a separate thing.  And he was prepping her and I asked if I’d be going under anesthesia and the doc made some quick comment like yeah, I guess we would switch you two out so you can go under. And he wheeled Sabrina out and I kept getting increasingly nervous as I laid on the hospital bed, and my spine hurt, so I sat up.  He’d already done something to it but I wasn’t sure if it was just a check or measurement.

My in dream assigned bf tried to talk me through and keep me calm, saying everything would be okay.  He’d gotten the doc to do a body mod for him and Idk when they even had time but there were inserts under where his eyebrows were to exaggerate them and make it seem like one large eyebrow and when I looked up again he went from normal to looking like a cyclops and I couldn’t look up after, and got nauseated, and looked up again and he still had two eyes but one was more pronounced than the other and with how his hair was covering one some of the time it kept up with the illusion.  I almost called out Futurama but left it and walked outside.

There were a bunch of scene peeps like there was an event going on and a lot of them were dressed up with the corset + ballgown skirt or fluffy skirt combo and falls. Dream assigned bf was normal again and looked a lot like Brendan which was weird.  We were chatting and it’s like I knew what he was about to say that he wished so I said if this were back home I’d have more pull to make the event happen but I wasn’t really connected here. And then a lot of the girls started coming back and seemed distraught, one chick who has the same name as me walked past and looked very upset, then went in some door to another room… but we were still outside?  Violet said she was going into shock.  It was weird, they all had performed in some burlesque like thing and a majority has been involved in the goth or fetish scene for a while, some have been in the sex industry, and whatever they all got back from doing killed them all a little inside.  I felt awful for them, but especially the one who walked away since this was her thing she usually took pride in. And dream assigned bf was all don’t feel sorry for her and started to nitpick at her, and I explained knowing her from back home, and this worrying me because of how I knew her.

We sat on a bench while more people walked by, mostly in steampunk attire, and this one lady with short light blue hair walked over and started enthusiastically talking to him without even addressing or acknowledging me, and that was annoying.  So I injected myself into the conversation , “hi!-“ And she was all “oh, we’ve met before,” so I responded “it’s so nice to see you again,” even though I didn’t remember her or know her name, and we exchanged some superficial pleasantries and she said something to me in Chinese and I was all, “oh I’m Korean,” and she was all ahh, smiled, and walked away with her older friend.

I realized we’d been out for a while now and mentioned getting back to check on Sabrina, and had been wondering how the extraction would go, and how would he yank it out or what care would he take to keep my spine intact. And then I mentioned, if he messed up, I’d be paralyzed after a certain point and wouldn’t be able to walk again.  I was walking very slowly up to the door back into the facility and felt awful cause I didn’t want to go through with it but felt obligated even though I didn’t remember a prior discussion before the doctors visit and didn’t give any prior ageeement, and woke up.