So I haven’t been remembering dreams after waking up even though I know I’ve been having them.
Funny enough, mom says she never dreams but happened to have one this morning and remembered. She had a dream she wasn’t pregnant and had fraternal twins, a boy and a girl. The were beautiful and the boy was a bit taller or bigger than the girl or something.
Well, there’s that.
“It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.”
I’m courting ghosts from my past
Because I’m so high
And you’re so beautiful
I don’t know if its because I’m in Vegas…
Right before falling asleep I randomly remembered that one time when I was dropping you off at the airport and you kissed me before getting out of the car, and mouthed “I love you” while smiling before closing the door. Was that from a dream or a memory?
I’m having trouble falling asleep.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
When I decided to jump and see if there was something substantial with someone, I knew this was calculated risk acceptance. I know nothing’s guaranteed, that this might not become anything, and even if it did, that it didn’t mean it would last forever. But I owed it to myself to find out, and deserved to pour myself into anything I felt worthy.
I’m coming to the conclusion already that this isn’t going to be the dynamic I’m going to pursue. I already stated my intent and the transparency has been well received, we date to evaluate whether or not we have potential as future spouses. Things fit on paper, but how we handle and perceive obstacles is completely different. It’s hard to remember the discrepancies in life experience when he’s slightly older than I am, and that’s not a bad thing in general. But I need someone who is better matched here. It’s going to be bad for me if someone isn’t able to handle something new, and possibly daunting only to them in stride… and these are scary only because it’s his first run. I’ve dealt with it all before and it doesn’t shake me. That’s experience. That’s an unfair advantage on my side. Spending a couple weeks away will be good for all involved, and when I get back I’ll be able to take another look at how these interactions have been going, and will decide if it’s doing better or if I should end it right there. I’m not wasting time anymore.
Even if this wasn’t it, this taught me I’m still capable of growth and moving forward. I don’t think I could have made it this far, or allowed myself to fully invest in a new relationship six months ago. It’s a bit of a proof of concept and I know I’m going in the right direction.
Exhausted…
I don’t think he has a shred of darkness within him.
I don’t know if he’s ever dealt with it in his own history, or if he’d recognize it in me… or anyone, and that scares me.
I can’t believe I’m still awake.
Well… Book of Mormon was good. Then ate at some great French place, and came home and watched a movie. I’m so tired, why is it so hard to fall asleep.
I am passion and I am fire.
And I feel like I’m
being deprived
of
oxygen.
I feel like I’ve been restraining some kind of reckless streak that’s been trying to claw out of me lately. It’s been unbelievably exhausting to hold back and I don’t want to anymore, I don’t remember it ever being this bad before. I feel awful physically, it’s like craving sugar really really bad because you’ve been depriving yourself. It’s my whole body, it’s all misfiring. It’s consuming me. I can’t remember the lasting time I felt so deprived, or the last time I could breathe more than shallow breaths.
I’ve managed, somehow, celibacy for a year in Vegas. And I’ve managed months here. All of a sudden there’s this pit in my stomach and that inner ear itch you can’t reach but it’s all over your body just under the skin. It’s making me uncomfortable in my own body, it’s insane.
“A man has always wanted to lay me down but he never wanted to pick me up.”
What a strong and thought provoking quote.
Today I was told that I had a pretty smile, that I was cute and sexy, that we usually see each other bundled up against the cold weather, and now that I wasn’t under so many layers, that I was curvy, and incredibly beautiful, and have a nice butt (lol @ that). He said he liked it when I held onto his arm when we walked through crowds, and that doing something to make a little smile appear across my face made him really happy. One of the last things he said today was how much he enjoyed spending time with me, how he’s always excited when he’s on his way to see me, and that no matter how things worked out, even if we only remained friends in the end, he wanted me to always be in his life somehow. He thinks I’m amazing… I lost count how many times he said it.
This is a completely new and different person in my life. But I know these words from someone else. All of them. These men are absolutely nothing alike, they’re night and day. And the words are the same. I want to be happy, I’m glad and a little relieved he feels this way about me. But now Idk why I’m a little nervous.. and I’ve already started investing… I don’t know what to make of this.
So sleepy, went out for once last night and dressed up for it. Even though I don’t know many people, and the ones I do know are mostly acquaintances, it was nice to be out. I really missed getting all goth’d out for a thing.
It’s so hard to have a social life here. I wish the community was more warm and open like it is in Phoenix.
It’s really surreal discovering some guy you had a brief crush on in high school, then changed your mind when he started to take interest in you, was convicted of first degree murder with a couple other people in a drug robbery.
I knew him when I was 15, and he was this tall, introverted, and courteous guy. I mean, I have no idea what circumstances were thrown his way in life that brought him to do this. But it must have been awful, and I feel bad for him. We really never know how people will turn out when they grow up.
Just woke up from a dream with a lot of weird stuff going early on. I vaguely remember walking around the sidewalk similar to the suburb I grew up in and was drinking some beverage in a large cup while texting Brandyn. Then I was going to find him but ended up in some other townhouse and couldn’t tell if it was one I was renting in some area I was visiting or if it was my parents Andy I was just temporarily visiting anyway. And this whole time it had been sunny pot but when I went back outside it was dark and there was some stand or food truck looking thing on a corner with a couple ladies standing around talking to neighbors.
They were some flavor of Christian or Catholic or something and we’re discussing mezcal, then some other plant, then the legality of it and then weed and even though it was legal per the state, she was adamant nothing was legal u til it was federal. That was her only argument. I remember biting part of an aloe vera plant for no reason, then thinking it was awful and walking across the steeet to throw it away in the trash can. I walked back other and saw a couple guys walk up to the stand / truck thing and apparently the nice ladies from earlier were selling some white powder I could only guess was cocaine which I found hilarious given the previous conversation with them. I walked around the truck stand thing and found a glass aquarium with a red striped snake in it with a huge head, and then it unlatched it’s jaw and ate something and I walked off.
I went inside this house and had gone back and forth and saw other people around. Some chick and I were talking sales strategies, and I’d been talking about visiting my coworkers in the AZ office and working there temporarily so I could visit friends. Then something came up where all of a sudden a Netflix subscription mattered or was a factor in trying to sell someone something… or some chick was explaining she needed that information but I didn’t see how it mattered or was related.
I went back and through a hall to my guest room and saw Liam. He wanted to make sure I was set and hugged me before he left. I went out to the room with the crowd again then back to the hall but found his room, and jumped on his bed to glomp him and get another hug before returning to my room but he pulled me in close and I didn’t want to get up since I was little spoon and miss tf out of that, and decided this was okay for a bit since it was just cuddling and we still had our clothes on. I didn’t want to jump into anything too fast and mess it up.. and was starting to fade for the night anyway. After I started drifting, he ran his hands down my arms, and since I was curled up, down my legs. I wanted to escalate things but decided against it. He was using the tv in front of us as a second monitor and was working on something on the screen but I gave no fucks cause I was so happy to be this close. And I woke up. Sigh.
It’s 1:27AM. Sounds about right. I feel like I’m at the start of something new. Idk how this is going to work out, but it’s not scary.
“I’m very attracted to you and was wondering if there’s something there, or if we should remain friends?”
I’ve been holding back. I knew there were some things I’d elected to (emotionally), some things by request, and now I’m noticing some things that have been conditioned that make me really uncomfortable. I’ve held back on asking basic questions anyone would be comfortable asking someone if they cared for them. This wasn’t implicitly requested of me, but it feels like it was conditioned. I have to process this and decide what to do with it.
People talk about their greatest fears in life and a common one is to be lonely forever, or letting their loved ones down, being incapacitated, etc, all would be awful. But outside of the lonely bit, I’ve learned over the last few years, yeah… years now, the worst feeling for me is being separated from someone I love, from the person I believed I should be with… building a life with, and feeling secure with. Looking back I don’t think I was aggressive enough, and it took me too long to learn how you handled being in my shoes. Would I have gotten the same results had I approached things like you? It’s even worse when that circumstance is somewhat chosen. This is my own personal hell. Repeated over and over again. It’s that redundancy that makes hell in Lucifer a perfect analogy and depiction. Maybe this is hell? There’s supposedly a way out. Can I find it?
Maybe someday my dreams will be worthy of recording again. They keep disappearing before I get a chance to even try.
Why am I still up?
I just want someone to love me the way Spike loves Buffy towards the series finale.
The new Ready Player One movie looks amazing! Some of the scenes look just like I imagined in the book. And that cover of Depeche Mode was sooo gooooooooood.
So there’s that.
I knew this could happen when I moved here, but the loneliness has been pretty hard the last week. I was lonely downtown, and same for the other cities I was in. I saw people more often in the other ones, this city is just set up poorly for people to get around and spend time together. So what’s the difference moving north? At least I get peace at night, and a lot do the issues I had at the apartment, I don’t have here. That part is nice.
Lately there’s been this weird back and forth with everything, especially work, where I stress about a thing and then a couple days later it seems like it’s under control for a few days and then flips again. I need things to be consistent.