Slump

I need to make changes. Big changes. I don’t like feeling this way, or living this way, and I can’t blame my environment anymore.

I got the car I wanted.  I dropped the people who wouldn’t invest in me, and made some small strides focusing on friends who would plan with me.  Work is still taking up too much bandwidth, after half a year I haven’t been able to make the moves I’ve wanted internally.  It’s time to stop being reluctant and look externally.  I know it’s the fear of not knowing how things will fall in place, but staying still is worse.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember.  Fixing this will get some of the bandwidth back, and I can focus on changing other things that’ll make me happy too.

No announcements

Last night, or this morning(?), I dreamed we were sitting at this table somewhere. Idk if this was some office buiiding, but you mentioned you were engaged and I was just sitting there internalizing “Okay… this is what you needed to tell me? What the? How is this important to tell me?” And then you mentioned a bunch of corporate peeps who knew all of us attending and then mentioned some request either you or Anna had to strike me from the company’s record like I never existed. Which is bs. I think the dream moved on before I could say it. Its bs.

Also, elevators that go sideways are terrifying.  And my bags exploded and all the paper inside was crumpled and bent. !@#$ that.

Superstitions

I remember you mentioning something about things going to hell when Utada Hikaru releases new stuff, or when there’s new NGE, or maybe both since there’s a strong correlation there… and then saying *my* birthday weeks been hard on you since before you’ve known me. Many people share this week with me. Well, “on April 17, 2018, a new single by Utada, “Hatsukoi” was unveiled in the drama Hana Nochi Hare ~Hanadan Next Season~ as an image song. It’s the second song Utada delivers to the Hana Yori Dango drama series, after “Flavor of Life” in 2007. The single will be released on May 30. In the next day, a single was announced to released earlier on April 25 called “Play a Love Song”, the theme song for Suntory Water SWITCH&SPARKLE.”

There it is. She announced music on my birthday, and then days after I actually celebrated, successfully killing both. No wonder you couldn’t be bothered after apologizing for the first one. You couldn’t even try again a few days later. I guess you’re off the hook from even trying to put out effort verbally, right? *sarcasm*

30

This has been the hardest birthday month in years for many many stressful reasons. Car accidents, infections in the ER, months of work stress, relationships falling apart, all sorts of uncertainty. Hopefully it means something good is coming soon.

I’m just glad I survived to this point.

…

I’ve walked away from a few relationships that meant a lot to me in the last couple months. One that never really saw the light of day, one that lasted for half my life at this point, and one that I never thought I’d walk from no matter how much I know I should have, or had tried and failed previously. None of these are the outcomes I desired. I am so shitty at walking from people, I always give chances when I get verbal affirmations or excuses, even when the actions don’t line up. I can’t hold a grudge. I don’t hate. I can’t marginalize how much this negatively impacts me to try and keep something afloat on my own. I’m just sad, and this only adds to my loneliness. But it doesn’t. It’s the first step to letting go and finding contentment. I’ve had practice lately. I can move forward. No bad blood. No hard feelings. No more one sided relationships or holding space for those who cannot reciprocate. No more being let down or disappointment. No more letting others hurt me over and over again. This is what 30 looks like.

Perpetually Unavailable

The guy that I was kinda sorta not really seeing from last October till recently made a guest appearance in my dream. Oh..

In it he was making posts online about taking more time to relax and share things with someone and then threw out there he needed to find someone and I was like… really?! I just had so many random dreams. I guess being sleep deprived after sleeping 24 hours in the same week does that.

And so I decided to peek at his IG and the cross country road trip he mentioned doing in April to Vegas, and we had played with the idea of me joining… he just left three hours ago. I mean good for him. But I’d be a bit of a liar if I didn’t admit to myself that I was a little sad. How did my asleep brain know? I think the dream and him leaving WA might have lined up.

Pr0n Killer

This morning I had a dream someone was trying to kill me. This guy mistook me for some porn star and put his hand on me when I was in a casino, it was some back area with no one else around and I grabbed his hand and twisted his arm. His friend grabbed me and I was fighting them both but the couple people who walked by didn’t intervene. One of them bear hugged me from behind and picked me up so my feet weren’t on the ground any more, and that’s where I woke up. !@#$

I give up

Sometimes it’s hard to practice leaving a relationship or friendship when it no longer serves both parties. There’s no hard feelings, there’s just no space in their lives for you anymore. It’s nothing personal… maybe that’s part of the problem? I tried for two years to be patient and flexible. We live in the same metropolitan area. That’s not a functional friendship. I’m not here to guilt anyone into being my friend, or be an obligation or burden in their life. I hope they don’t feel slighted I walked away, but Idk why they’d care now anyway.

I know I had shit timing with the dam breaking and feel bad about it. This never should have culminated to this point. I also know everything I said was still true and the result would have been the same whether I inquired two months ago or six months from now. I hope they won’t be mad at me, and will at least become indifferent, if not relieved. I can uninvest and be at peace. They don’t have to feel guilt or be confronted with someone asking them to meet half way. We can both live our lives in peace. No bad blood. I know we’re both good people who just ran our course a long time ago.

All in good time

I can’t remember what you smell like. Which is weird, and strangely sad. I have a memory of it being absolutely intoxicating, all consuming, and completely distracting me from my undoing. But maybe that’s the amount of time it takes for the brain to forget that, and that’s why everyone says things get easier to manage with time, even if you are forever changed.

Sad puppies and Ford galaxies

Had the craziest dream I was given a Ford Galaxie from a friend but when I was going down an unlaced hill the breaks were taking too long to work so I grabbed the e brake and swerved, like a mini drift until the car stopped. I wasn’t towards the bottom of the hill and this couple was around walking their dogs, and then they were talking to me and one was chilling on my floorboard and I was all wtf. And this itty bitty puppy was on my steering wheel and I gave it back to the owners and then they were taking off and the guy stuffed one that was folded in something in between an opening on my dash and I was all wtf, don’t unload one of your puppies on me. So I grabbed it and got out of the car, and he was wrapped up in a taco! Wtf! And I went off on the guy about how much that was a cruel joke.

There are some other bits in that dream like shopping in some store that looked like it could have been a Ross or a Michaels, Andy looking at costumes. Or talking about brunch with someone but never going. And I was in bed for part of the dream being cranky. That’s all I got.

Bye

I need to clarify some things. You handled things shittily. We were able to discuss our stop go patterns with our weekends. We were able to come to conclusions and troubleshoot them, AFTER you said you can’t do this anymore. And this should have been discussed a while ago instead of letting it drag on. You never even gave me, or us, the chance to mitigate these things before scrapping the whole thing.

I tried to facilitate communication, seeing each other, and being flexible. You wouldn’t reciprocate any of it and took advantage of my flexibility. I always said we could adjust as needed. You can sort your personal life out without fucking someone else up. Nothing has to be static, but it doesn’t give you a free pass to change how you interact with someone by the hour. Instead, you were reckless with my feelings.

And I tried to front being okay last night. I was adjusting to this information on the spot instead of just calling plans off, all because it’s been your avoidance that’s been problematic. I couldn’t even discuss these things in person with you. I still don’t get that. I deserve that much. I deserve much better. I know you wouldn’t drive over here and have this conversation in person because it’s too uncomfortable for you. Stop blaming me and making excuses. Using excuses like I’m hot, or being swept up in things and enjoying my company when we meet in person is a bullshit excuse for not owning up and discussing things in person. That’s not an excuse to treat me the way you did. Don’t unload your responsibility on me and make your shortcomings out to be my fault.

I literally told you to go slut it up and get experience, make mistakes, be honest, keep it simple, and have fun. There’s literally no pressure on my side, you build everything up in your own head. We’re both slow to anger, you cannot use fear of me being angry as an excuse. And even if those fears were right, it doesn’t give you a free pass from doing the right thing. You’re spineless. You jerked me around and used me as a crutch. Continually calling me great and saying how much you enjoy spending time with me to justify this behavior is manipulation.

Had you of been up front with not feeling it, that would have been much better for everyone. We wouldn’t be here today. Instead of transitioning in one direction or the other, you’ve been continually on or off. That’s not TBD. That’s not letting things happen and seeing where it goes. You shouldn’t have gone anywhere near romantic gestures if you couldn’t follow through. You never should have suggested some belated Valentines thing out of some warped societal expectation, or some internal selfish wanting. And you still find it okay to cuddle, and then grope my breast like everything is fine. You still get that contact and comfort while disregarding how I feel and not taking responsibility for your actions. I am not to be picked up, and then dropped on a whim. In fact, no one is. This really hurts. I opened myself up and that’s difficult. Why would I ever want to remain in contact with someone who put me through this and can’t even acknowledge it or fix their behavior? You broke trust. How do you build a friendship on that? You have a lot of ground to cover in therapy before you might start resembling something other than a self serving selfish fuck. I hope you figure that out before you meet the next person. Do better next time. You are awful. You’re the worst.

 

“You don’t need this shit.”

No I don’t, the only reason why I didn’t ghost you is because even I have enough respect for you not to. This is a teaching moment. You can learn from this and become a better person. But you burned this bridge and I’m done knowing you.”

 

There were a few things I forgot to mention when I sent this out.  The fact that I didn’t push the Valentines thing.  I didn’t push for him to stay over, but he insisted.  So he feels like it’s too much when he’s insisting on staying longer?  He feels like it’s too much when he talks about us visiting his family back home, or some random comments about kids in passing.  But it’s too much?  It’s like I was so relaxed he had to fill the quiet with all these things, and then forgot he was the one doing it.  What is with people.

Unfuck Yourself

Ran into something unexpected this afternoon. I’ve never been shy about the assaults I’ve experienced in my past, how I’ve struggled, or how I went to therapy and reached out to PD last year. I thought even though it wasn’t perfect, and these events changed me, that I was successfully not letting damage from my past dictate my present and future. I’ve always considered myself to be open and transparent, compassionate, progressive, and fluid. This has always been true to an extent.

What I didn’t realize until now was, I still had some walls up I wasn’t aware of. It’s still difficult to articulate these ideas. Today, I felt some sense of peace and comfort I hadn’t experienced since I was a teenager. After David, in the past, when I felt this way it was before an attack happened. This trained my brain to equate the calmness to potential danger. Being that safe may have triggered some ptsd.

And after the damage others inflicted on me, I felt that feeling wasn’t feasible. I felt it was a lie, or would always be a trap. Something unobtainable. I forgot what that felt like. I didn’t even recognize it enough to miss it. And then I felt it today and it was scary. I didn’t cry because I was sad or upset. It overwhelmed me, and my walls were down. I was defenseless, and I realized it was okay in that moment. I haven’t been as holistic about it all as I’d previously thought, and it took almost 15 years to feel this way again. But it seems like it’s a milestone worth mentioning.

It’s also made me look back at how I handle my sexuality. I’ve suspected a few things over the years. I know after these events some people completely shut down and can’t handle any intimacy without it being a triggering event, and some go into the other extreme. I never thought I was extreme in anything I’ve done, but there may have been more than just a progressive outlook. History and chronic pain make me pretty sure I’m not too far off from being a sex addict, chasing endorphins and intimicy. I’ve had so many dynamics.. but still can’t stand bad sex, emotionless sex.. I’ve learned I need to like someone enough to be friends before I can get any joy. And I’ve made some poor decisions along the way, I’m sure many people have. But

I can see some parallels with my history and the hookup culture I loathe. Compatibility and sexual chemistry are necessary and would be real breakers if they were missing. It was like going after gratification with the intent on seeing if there was something worth investing in after. I don’t want to believe I’m superficial. I don’t believe people are disposable, but I also thought things would either mesh or won’t. I’m passionate, uninhibited, and authentic to myself. I don’t think any of that was compromised but I didn’t realize I might have been forcing things on my own timeline to retain a sense of control. I pull the trigger on intimacy first, and decide where I want it to go after, if at all. The first time I fell in love with someone before they ever touched me… was hard, special, and I started to see it. But there were so many other problems going on to really acknowledge it. And I think the order it went in was circumstantial. But the ordering made it feel more real, more legitimate.

Today, I’m dealing with someone whose had many invites and opportunities to touch me, and who has chosen to abstain, choosing to be cautious for the sake of making sure I don’t end up just being a rebound. This is someone who is trying to match me in transparency when it doesn’t come naturally for them. And I’m trying to match their pace which is very different from my own. This is someone who respects me, and genuinely cares about me but doesn’t want either of us to get hurt. This is out of order for me, and I’m not in control of the timeline like I had been with others. They’re not hiding anything, they don’t have outside obligations keeping them from me, and we spend time together. It’s a strange vulnerability for me. I don’t know what this is. I was afraid they didn’t have any darkness and wouldn’t recognize it in me. This could be them helping me see where I’ve been before the damage, so that I can pull myself out of what I’ve been buried under for a long time.

I’m so very emotionally exhausted.

The Killgrave of Startups

I just had the craziest dream this guy was creating some start up but had some Killgrave level manipulation going and I was considering relocating back to the southwest for it before I found out and it was a mess, and BB was there and that was good, but everything else was bad. Everyone was going along with it, and I was just trying to figure out if I’d just commute between cities until my lease in Seattle was up, or try to buy it out, or get set up in the SW and then fly up and be remote and then visit occasionally. Things seemed settled and I went to nap and that whole dream in a dream thing happened. I was wandering around and then in a room and thought my laptop might have been SOL with malware and was super upset about it. Then some other guy was in my bed talking to me about a bunch of weird stuff while I sat in this recliner but it wasn’t my room so I guess it was a guest room? Then I woke up and was on my own, and then there were these two chicks discussing sex positions and trying to diagram them and then demonstrate with me and that was weird.

Then I woke up back in the SW and the guy with the start up was driving on what looked like the 101 during rush hour and he pulled over on the shoulder from the HOV lane and asked if I wanted to make out and I was like sure, and we did but all I could think was why are we doing this and why did I agree since I’m not into it? And how is this happening in a parked car on the freeway. And something else seemed off and when I turned to look I saw a police car with their lights on (no siren) that was behind us, slowly back up in reverse, and then left. And I looked at the guy and he was staring the cop down to manipulate him to leave and I was all… oh !@#$.

And I tried to call of out and no one believed me. BB didn’t believe me. I got a message on my phone saying “run” and then some dark gunmetal colored liquid spiky things started coming after me and I started to run out of the house but realized I was only in my pajamas but was like fuck it. Eventually I was cornered and complied with the image that I was going along with everything. Everyone seemed happy. I was walking around this party in Phoenix and it was some weird mesh of the goth, rave, and fetish scenes. Then I was wandering some apartment complex and then ended up elsewhere and saw the guy and thought it was gonna go baaaaaad and Idk if he had a change of heart or was faking it but acknowledged some things and went off to discuss them with a couple other people. I was across the street looking at merch I’m different kiosks and then was about to go back. I checked my phone for updates, and then in the end everyone was uploading the Taco Bell logo to the comments on some post online. Super weird.

I’m exhausted from my dream

I don’t even know where to start so much was going on. I was in space and the station I was supposed to dock at was destroyed or something went wrong. I was at the home I grew up in waiting for a flight that was canceled the day before and was waiting for notice on when the next one would be boarding. And the environment was weird, the place was much larger and there we’re other people there occupying the space temporarily. I think maybe only one spoke English. I had to go to the bathroom to tend to new piercings since I had so many more, including my tongue, some lip piercings, and eyebrows. They became
Too loose and the top ball from my tongue piercing came off so I had to try and figure out putting that back in, and internally threaded jewelry is difficult irl too lol.

I was sitting on a bench in another room where sunlight was coming in and was enjoying the warmth on my back. Then went to some competition but wasn’t sure what the participants were doing. Sahar was there and had put a lot of work into a costume. Some other guy was there in a wheelchair who she thought was being a creeper but then I realized it was a front and he entered the contest to figure something out about the organization that sponsored the event. There was some other guy who was trolling and threw something or did something? I can’t remember but I yelled out I’d kick his ass and he laughed and ran off. They disqualified her because her ID was issued in WA and I tried arguing for her that she was still here and hadn’t left yet so she should still qualify. It didn’t work and we left.

We were walking around this carnival and then through playground equipment at a park. Something crashed from the sky into the dirt and we went to go find out what it was. I picked up the case and opened it to find a sandwich inside. The thing survived entry into the atmosphere.

Aaaand there was some bit where I was back at a house, not sure if it was the same. But I was thinking about the food stocked in the fridge cause I tried not to purchase things I wouldn’t get through if I was traveling and didn’t want it to go to waste. I hoped the other people there would use it but doubted it. And I was sitting at a table and some lady had a pet baby pig, it was smaller than my bunny. She had her daughter watching it and it wanted to go explore so I grabbed it and was holding it in the air and then put it on my lap but it kept wanting to run around so I gave it back to the girl as her mom came back and she was being weird about it. People started coming and going and I had to get up and went down the hall to her room and saw her light was on in her closet/wardrobe thing and she was changing into some costume so I left. I’m pretty sure there was more going on but I can’t remember.

NYC

Had a dream I moved to NYC and Tasha was visiting me. She’d just gotten her hair done by my stylist and had lightened it with some blonde highlights and her hair was curly, it looked like tight curls that had been brushed out. The sun had just set and we were walking around my neighborhood and it was so dense. There was so much retail around us and I tried to pull Google maps to figure out where I’d moved to exactly since I wasn’t sure if I was still within the Manhattan border, but it turned out we were east and the district I was in was called something village.

Drugs and driverless cars.

Today’s been weird. Went to dinner in Scottsdale and caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen in years, that’s not the weird part. Insert goths in Scottsdale joke here.

1. Saw a drug deal exchange from my rear view mirror while talking to my friend in my car while dropping her off back at her car. We’d gone to gelato down the street after sushi. And PD had rolled through the lot probably 15 minutes earlier and missed them by came back before we left. Lol

2. Wanted to go to tortilla flats but was too wiped out. We hung out longer than I expected but it was still nice. That parts not weird either. Went to QT to grab drinks and saw three Uber driverless test cars at the gas pumps. This part of Scottsdale wasn’t too far from that other driverless car company. I wonder what it is about Scottsdale that attracts this? Is it because the valley is mostly a grid? Is it the weather? Law? Taxes? Idk.

That was about it. I was too tired to enjoy the drive I wanted to do so I decided to head home for the night, but did stop by my old neighborhood where I grew up since it had been yeeeears. It’s so still, like time hasn’t really moved but so many people who were there have moved or passed away. It’s weird.

I’m so tired.

C’mon, baby, c’mon darling, c’mon angel

I dreamed I had a little curly haired dog named Roxbury. He was Lindsay’s first but he ended up with me.

Before that there were a lot of random places and things in the dream like Josh F. being on stage and speaking at a rally about legal weed and reading something I sent him on the phone, it was like a wiki or something. He was kind of just reading it and then got to the last sentence and you could hear his voice get louder and more direct when he ended at “the time is now.” And everyone cheered.

Then I was somewhere else and saw KT with awesome short lavender hair grooming a dog. There were a few people there including Roo, and they asked some questions so I explained my title and what it should mean vs what I’ve been up to. They were all super friendly. Some lady came around and grabbed our plates.

I was running around this restaurant where my friends sat at a huge table. I went back to
The bar to try and figure out where their drinks were or who was supposed to bring them.

Turning around the corner I saw my Josh sitting by himself at a table and went back to find him but thought he was gone. Then I found him standing up from another table about to leave. I called out and wasn’t acknowledged. I pleaded and he just stared st me like he didn’t remember a thing, and I hugged him and begged him to stay. Come on baby. Come back to me. You can do this. I’m
right here. I won’t leave you. Please. I’m right here. Come back to me. You don’t have to do this alone… but you left.

And I wandered the property then walked down the steeet. I had acquired a vintage bicycle and then eventually the dog.

4:41AM

I haven’t stayed out this late in a long time and it hurts, but friends were riding back with me and I didn’t know where my friends house was at that I’m staying at so *shrugs*

Rezz was legit, even though I don’t really care for these kinds of shows, the music and company was nice. The lights were too bright for me, or my eyes are getting more sensitive. I’m glaring so gonna try to sleep in… but I don’t want to sound so negative. Vegas was surreal, and I found some remnants from some old depressions there. Phoenix was a smooth transition even if it was a bit rocky at the airport. I got the rental, had dinner in Guadeloupe with a friend, went back and watch an episode of an anime, then went to the venue for the show. It really hit me that I was here when I was getting off the freeway and saw downtown Phoenix. It was this mix of familiar and foreign. I have so much good and such bad here. All of my major traumas happened here. But I’m doing better emotionally here than a Vegas. I guess it’s because most of my life was written here.

My old fwb in Scottsdale messaged me today when I was at the show and was fighting with his fiancé. I told him I couldn’t discuss it with him because it wasn’t inappropriate. I said I was irked when he came to Vegas and didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend until we were sitting next to each other in a strip club with his friend’s bachelor party. And then I got over it. I also told him I’ve wondered if I had myself sorted out back in 2012 if we’d have dated for real and maybe we’d be engaged instead… and he says he wasn’t sorted then either like that makes it better. He still calls me pretty and says he respects me and showers me with complements and I’m over him romantically but I don’t need to put myself in a situation where I’m fighting temptation and my own nature. I said I had to step back for a while. He said we didn’t do anything wrong in our friendship. I repeated I needed to step back and left it at that.

I’m so tired.

I’m an emotional mess.

Emotional Purgatory

Songs that had to be skipped over and/or has been on repeat at some point. It almost feels like a timeline.

I can’t listen to most of my music right now…

Sister Machine Gun – Burn
Massive Attack – Black Milk
IAMX – Your Joy Is My Low
Placebo – Pure Morning
Tove Lo – Talking Body
Offspring – I want You Bad
Iris – Lose In Wanting
Selena Gomez – Love You Like a Love Song
Michelle Branch – I’d Rather Be In Love
Utada Hikaru – Be My Last
BoA – Song With No Name
Assemblage 23 – Impermanence
Björk – Possibly Maybe
Kimbra- Settle Down
Flight Facilities – Crave You
Bitter:Sweet – Drink You Sober
Lana Del Rey – Video Games
Tove Lo – Not On Drugs
Utada Hikaru – First Love
Utada Hikaru – Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence
TBM – Kill The Lights
BoA – Only One
All of Utada Hikaru
All of Michelle Branch
Laurel – Fire Breather
Fall Out Boy’s cover of Love Will Tear Us Apart
Michelle Branch – Something To Sleep To
Kimbra – Plain Gold Ring
Florence and The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
BoA – Shattered
Lana Del Rey – Dark Paradise
All of Lana Del Rey
Kanga – Something Dangerous
Selena Gomez – The Heart Wants What It Wants
DJ Shadow – Midnight In A Perfect World
Depeche Mode – Precious
Iris – Sorrow Expert
Michelle Branch – All You Wanted
Muse – Unintended
Depeche Mode – Heaven
Disclosure/Lorde – Magnets
IAMX – Nature of Inviting
Utada Hikaru – Crossover Interlude
Lamb – Trans Fatty Acid
IAMX – Spit It Out (Alexander Kowalski Remix)
Depeche Mode – One Caress
Kanga – Viciousness
Bjork – Pagan Poetry
Florence and The Machine – Cosmic Love
Melanie Martinez – Pity Party
Purity Ring – Begin Again
Laurel – Blue Blood
Lana Del Rey – Young And Beautiful
Lamb – All In Your Hands
Three Days Grace – Over And Over
Stabbing Westward – Waking Up Beside You
Matchbox Twenty – If You’re Gone
Jo Stafford – You Belong To Me
Keane – Somewhere Only We Know
Mackintosh Braun – Made For Us
I:Scintilla – Worth The Wait
Solar Fake – Here I Stand
Thirty Seconds To Mars – Up In The Air
Depeche Mode – It’s No Good
Junksista- Life Is Unfair (And Love Is A Bitch)
Lana Del Rey – Diet Mountain Dew
TBM – Pins & Needles
Kanga – Going Red
Kanga – Tension
Placebo – Running Up That Hill
Muse – Sing For Absolution
Solar Fake – Stay
Utada Hikaru – Final Distance
Zeraphine – Tomorrows Morning