I’m kind of sad about this. A very attractive man was hitting on me and it was all fun and games until he said something very similar that was said to me a few years ago. As soon as my brain made the connection, I couldn’t continue. Am I going to be ruined forever?
And my sex drives been fighting to come back to the surface. The intermittent ups and downs have been maddening.
Welcome to the wonderful world of resistance to local anesthetic and simultaneous sensitivity to them! Dealing with dental stuff has been a nightmare lately. I never had these issues before. Use an anesthetic, heart races, insta nausea, lightheadedness and feeling like you’re about to black out. I was grateful for laying in a chair while also being terrified I’d have to jump up in case the nausea won. We used so much stuff too and it wasn’t cutting it. The dentist said she usually only sees extra nerves in these areas in natural red heads, or maybe it’s fibro related. But my natural undertone is red anyway so… thanks white side.
They rescheduled me, told me to stop taking one script, and ordered another one for me to take right before the appointment. It helped, it made the anesthetic work a little better. Then we had complications replacing a crown and it was a goddamn mess, the appointment took twice as long and we didn’t cover everything. How aggravating.
And now my teeth hurt! I never understood this, you don’t feel the work while it’s happening. And I get the anesthetic wore off, but there is no active drilling so wtf. Teeth pain is the worst. !@#$
I hate how whenever everything’s on fire I want to reach out to you for comfort. It’s been a habit, and I still make that association. Really, I want to be held tight and cuddled, this is a different need from touch deprivation. You can’t help me. It’s not really what I want anyway. Yesterday a lawyer called me a strong woman when shaking my hand. There’s admittedly some pride there but he was being kind and what’s there to be proud of from enduring suffering for over half a year? I treaded too carefully for far too long trying to maintain a relationship with an entity that threw me under the bus as soon as I escalated for help. Even the strong need to be comforted. Sometimes they probably need it more.
More stress dreams. I don’t remember a lot about it other than being stuck researching and building somethings and then you being there to hold me emotionally hostage. You kept jerking me around and around one point I mentioned being in the worst physical pain for over a month straight, so you verbalized the right response but it was bs.
I hate stress dreams. Idk who was worse, you in the dream or Nephrite manipulating tf out of Naru since I’ve been rewatching sailor moon.
Bonny hit me up today on LinkedIn to ask about the company I’m low key getting ready to leave, what timing lol. I tried to be as honest and neutral as possible, explaining people don’t leave companies, they leave bad managers. And I started out with a great one but after a couple reorgs I got screwed. It happens, that’s luck. I told her if she finds the right team and a good manager it’s heaven. I also gave info on the hiring process, company culture, how teams and orgs are structured, and stressed that I’d never discourage anyone from applying there because of my experience, but would just caution them. She appreciated the information and said she’d research and let me know if she wanted a referral.
I’m looking forward to Blackhat and Defcon this year, it’s such a relief getting confirmation that at least that’s been locked down. I need more comfort in my life right now. I miss a lot of people I’ve met and gotten to know at those events, and I miss my friends there so the visit will be a nice decompression. The stress lately has been making me very sick, way more sick than I want to admit. I have too much pride, but I know I stress really bad in transitions I didn’t pick, or when my hand is forced and will stress until it’s finalized and I land on a decision. This is a million times worse than any other corporate bs I’ve ever been through, but I feel better equipped to handle it compared to previous issues. The world doesn’t feel like it’s ending like it used to. I was not graceful at all in previous crises… not that I’m saying I’ve figured out how to be graceful now, but looking at how I’ve handled things previously is embarrassing. (I did fracture two molars from stress this time around though so that’s shitty). It’s weird. Does 30 make that much of a difference? Or is that just experience and knowing it’s not worth panic? At least it’s almost over.
I can’t wait to grab my swimsuit and chill at the pool at Mandalay.
I’ve been holding back from writing about this one for a while. Probably because it was still playing out, and I usually update this from my phone instead of at the computer. Apparently 2018 has become a bit of an unintentional mini purge. I didn’t expect another one to happen in my life after what happened in 2012/2013. But this ones been smaller, slower, and targeted which I guess is okay? It’s okay. Really, once someone earns the opportunity to be blocked and I drop them, I feel so much better after a good nights sleep. I don’t have to wonder, I’m not stuck in this lonely purgatory trying to find answers. This is sufficient closure. This opens me up to filling my time with people who want to be in my life and aren’t storing their knives in my back.
A couple months ago I walked away from a friendship that had been one sided for many years. I don’t care that I was called cruel and rude, what she put me through was cruel. Consider us even. Then a “friend” from out of country betrayed my trust, and the trust of a mutual friend. How aggravating. That was an easy block.
And then there’s the guy who has problems with ambiguity. I know we’re both good people., and thought we’d still remain friends despite what happened. I mean, he owned up, but that was that. Running into him at the last show I went to was entertaining, but that’s pretty much all the contact we’ll ever maintain, if that even occurs again.
This is going to be about B. Oh B… you misguided and judgmental fuck. You pathological lying piece of shit. Calling yourself a “White Knight,” the first time I heard someone mention you referencing yourself that way was a few days ago. Oh please, you can’t even save yourself, and you’re a user. I don’t even know how you managed to convince yourself you were a knight and paraded as a feminist when you’re a lying sack of shit. This whole thing started way before I knew you, and you’ll keep doing this long after today. You are a lost cause, I don’t care if one of my friends thinks you might put the work in to fix yourself, I know you won’t. It’s never your fault right? Or it’s your depression an anxiety. That’s not a free pass to screw people over. I can’t believe what you did to Sarah especially. You already hurt her once, and then she accepted you back in her life. Sure there were dynamic changes, but you don’t fucking lie to her while dating someone else here, and now I know why you didn’t want me to know you were dating Sarah or Rose, because I’m friends with both and women talk. I can’t believe you. And then you string my own wifey and I along regarding housing for literally months. You complained to me about her, and then you complained to Rose about me, and these weren’t even legitimate issues. You fabricated them to justify your avoidance. Thank goodness we all figured it out now instead of later. Believe me, the truth will always set you free.
Also, how dare you talk about my personal life to someone else? And you can’t even gossip accurately. I said I was considering talking to my doc about stopping a medication in passing, and you took that is I stopped. And “you’re frustrated.” Look asshole, it’s none of your business what I do and don’t do. Also, I never stopped taking that med despite having a rough adjustment. ALSO DON’T FUCKING DISCUSS OTHER PEOPLES MEDICAL DETAILS WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Just. Wow. And saying that I’ve “done this multiple times.” No, I go years before a doctor can even convince me to try a new prescriptive because of how many times they’ve almost killed me. The exaggerations are incredible. You’re aware of one prescription that landed me in the ER in Vegas, and the ER doc said to stop that medication immediately.
Are you seriously trying to hold onto that and use it as an excuse to be upset with me? You ignored me for days. I saw you the day before you signed a new lease with Sabrina you lying cowardly fuck. And you saw what Liam put me through with his avoidance and said he was immature and had things to work on. He really has all of his shit together compared to you. Stringing Sabrina and I along, banking on us not talking to each other, was the housing equivalent of stringing a woman along while thinking to yourself “I wonder if i could do better.” And you actually did that to Rose and Sarah, and who knows who else. I can’t believe you were sexting Sarah over the weekend when Rose thought you were going to tell Sarah about her. Also, I can’t believe you told Rose about Sarah, but weren’t honest with Sarah. All four of us, all we ever wanted was honesty. No one would have ever been mad with the truth.
Seriously, I don’t know how many times I said you could have texted me that you changed your mind while signing the lease. I would have been like well that’s weird but okay. Same with Sarah, you could have been honest and she would have been fine. You create the very conflicts you claim to “fear” by avoiding people you need to talk to. But I’m glad you’re not here. You’re not dependable, we all know this now. All four of us spoke in a wonderful group chat and laid out everything. We know every lie you told all four of us, and that is the power of communication. Your own roommate would block you if she didn’t live with you. You deserve every second you suffer. Every problem you’ve complained about is a product of your own bullshit, and you have no right to complain while you stay in it and talk to everyone about the issue instead of the person involved. There is some great irony in your preference for strong intelligent women, especially since you can’t handle your shit when a strong and intelligent woman calls your on your shit. We’re direct. We’re not afraid of direct communication, we don’t even see that as confrontational. Also, so what if there is a confrontation. Yelling is not the worst thing in the world. And you’re assuming we’re going to yell before you even talk to us.
I can’t believe you played two woman at the same time though, that’s so low. It’s my fault you’re in Seattle. It’s my fault you know these three other women. But everything after that is all on you. They don’t blame me, but it pisses me off that you basically used me through association. People like and trust me, they see I trust you, they trust you… because I didn’t know better yet. Five years is a long game. I wish I could tell every woman you meet about you, and boy am I grateful Rose invited me to dinner to talk and verify some things. Fuck, you and I never even dated and I have to deal with the emotional load you keep shoving off. I won’t cry when you die. I won’t wish for it either, but the world will be a better place when you’re gone.
For the first time since I started taking this new med my GI doc put me on to combat chronic nausea…. I am dealing with some painful and awful nausea right now. I know its grief from this mornings news.
*me watching Sailor Moon at 30*
Usagi: “My goal is to be married by 25!”
._.
I think the last time I watched the original anime was way before I hit 25 so I never noticed this bit…
._.
It finally happened, one of my docs put me on a script that:
– Didn’t immediately try to kill me
– Achieved the intended result
– Killed my sex drive
Holy !&#$. I’ve (partially) wanted this for so long since I haven’t had a steady partner in forever, it drove me nuts in the past, and now that its happened Idk what to make of it! Its not like it took out the drive for company and companionship, but I’ve been spending more time with friends this last week so that’s been lovely. Idk if I can orgasm… okay that last thought is kind of concerning. Maybe I’ll care when I want to, with someone, or whatevs.
Lots of dreams, very fuzzy. I remember having deja vu in the dream cause I saw a pandemonium magazine on the floor in a living room. Manga Sailor Moon was on the cover, snd there were three different issues spread on the carpet. There was a decent amount of manga on a couple of bookcases in the corner of the room. I wandered the house and checked out the different rooms. Went to the main room and saw my friends around. Noel and Keith were there among others. Josh was there. The group was doing some weird “not it” thing and I was last to notice so I was gonna take off to look at apartments? A couple other people had gotten up to work on things, Noel and Keith were still sitting on the floor in front of a board game, so when I got up I stood behind Noel, bent down and put my arms around her to give her a hug goodbye, and then went behind Keith and did the same. He turned and said something I couldn’t hear, so I said “hmm?” very quietly and rested my chin on his shoulder then turned and kissed him, and he had some amused “orly?” reaction. Idk what he said but he didn’t mind my response. Lol. I got up and walked to the front room where I saw grandma (Idk who’s grandma she was, everyone called her grandma) on the couch and plopped on the couch to give her a hug as I was leaving. Then noticed across the room on front of the tv, Dan was sitting in a chair and I’m mad at him irl so I didn’t say anything to him and left.
I went out to find my car parked on the street but ended up wandering in another neighborhood and walking into another townhouse to see if I wanted to rent it. Then I was checking out a couple units at my old apartment tower downtown but it wasn’t downtown Seattle, and the downstairs area was remodeled and looked waaaaaay better and way bigger in the dream than it did irl. And when I was considering moving back, I remembered why I left and wondered if they fixed the noise issue, or what if I lived higher up in the tower? Maybe it’s not a problem up there? And then I remembered my current house and was all… why am I leaving again?!
I walked out and was trying to find my car again, and saw this group of people trying to figure out how to get to the airport, but once they got there they’d be fine. And then mom was walking with me, like she just caught up. I offered to take them to the airport and mom objected, and then we watched them go up this staircase upstairs and their nana or whoever picked up her wheelchair and started going up the stairs. I made some mental comment about how inaccessible things are for disabled people.
Then mom and I were in the car but I don’t remember what we were discussing. Then I was being lazy on a couch and saw mom had these awesome crispy fries in some chip bag and they were kind of like sour cream and onion so I’m being a glutton with those, looking out the window at how beautiful the day is, and was all mom, can I move back in? Can I move home in Phoenix? I can transfer my last year to another university. And she was all well, and I forgot what she said. I was trying to figure out the logistics. I think the house I was in was around north central Phoenix, like around Central and Bethany Home Rd where it’s all nice, or maybe slightly south of that. And I was all, my friends all live nearby here, the weathers so nice. Apparently I’d forgotten about the heat, or the fact that I’m not in university anymore, or that they don’t live in Phoenix anymore. I woke up around here. Dreams are weird.
Every single week has been painfully busy… since forever. Noel talked me into seeing the Wax Trax! Documentary called Industrial Accident. It was part of the Seattle International Film Festival. Really she asked me if I wanted to get Korean food and we ran into a timing issue so I joined her for the film and we got food after. It’s so late. Omg. It was absolutely amazing and emotional and there were a couple times we were holding back tears. The director Julia Nash, Patty Jourgensen, Paul Barker, and Bill Rieflin were there for a Q&A after the film. Noel and I talked about it at dinner, we can still feel the influence Wax Trax! had in our lives and how it still ripples today.
And of course our brains go sideways into other topics. Also holy shit. Idk why tf everyone compared you to Dave Grohl. I mean maybe vaguely, like when he was younger… like when Nirvana was a thing. And even then maybe distant cousin? Not really. Nah, today I saw the future. Paul Barker, the guy who was in Ministry, the way Paul Barker looks today, is what you’ll look like in another 30 years, with some variation. Which means you’ll be gorgeous for fucking ever! He already looks amazing at 59, and you’re gonna do better. I am so bitter! I mean I was before but whatevs. I don’t even think you come here anymore, but I’ve referenced you in 2nd person for so long, why stop now? Idgaf if you ever see this or not.
Noel and I both have an aversion to SF. Because we have history and associations to SF. She dated a guy for years who hurt her. And me… yeah. They had an off and on thing. Noel and I have a lot in common. We both live very productive lives, were professionals, we go do things we want whether it’s with friends or alone, we’re adventurous and we’re hot. We both know this, our lives are awesome as is, but we miss companionship. That would be the cherry on top. Her words. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes? She’s more solitary than I am. She said that, but I think she’s lives more like an extrovert than I do?
Anyway, I explained the guy I dated right when I turned 21 did a fantastic job destroying my body image, on top of manipulating me and using me financially and otherwise. She told me her guy made her feel awful too, which is mind blowing because she’s so pretty. And I didn’t realize for years that the ex put me down so I’d stay. It took a long time to rebuild my confidence and realized he was full of shit. It really took regaining my health and going back into my profession to fix my body image. And not dealing with anyone else, and deciding to do at least a year of celibacy helped a lot too.
This detail just makes the situation feel like too much. It was already too much. Idk how to word this better, I can’t articulate this well. My best friend from high school said this was the first time I was in love. I know I’ve written this before. And I said something like, well there was Jay before. And she said this was different, there weren’t conditions attached. I wasn’t holding back either. And I get it. It wasn’t “I love you but x,” “I love you despite x thing,” or “I love you regardless of insert stupid bs reason here.” There wasn’t anything after “you.” It became a series of “I love you because.” And I felt that, and I recognized it. I remember being on top of you late at night, in the dark, listening to you tell me you loved me for my brain, for the way I laughed, for my body, and you kept going, and you meant it. For the first time, “I love you,” didn’t come attached with baggage. “I love you” stood on its own. You reinforced me. For the first time, I was happy with who I was as a person, and then I met you, and you amplified the things in me I loved. And I loved you for it. I loved you for many many reasons too. I met you when I’d already chosen solitude, and you made me so happy to reconsider. I wasn’t lonely when we met. I got used to LV, and I was content. I’ve been lonely since the day I met you.
She said she wasn’t sure if she ever fell in love that deeply with her guy in SF. When they broke up, she did mention telling him he had a small dick and was bad in bed. LOL. I said I didn’t have that, because to this day my guy in SF, is still the best sex I’ve had. And she was all that makes it harder. I’m bitter.
We talked about how shitty trying to date in Seattle is. She mentioned, there’s always talk about the Seattle freeze. I think it’s some bs that’s now a self fulfilling prophecy. The problem here is how passive everyone is. No one talks to each other. Even if you try, it’s rare someone reciprocated more than a couple sentences. We’re still better off with the choices we made. We know this. Someone recently mentioned there was a sub reddit about dating in Seattle and they talk about how passive it is here. Someone commented just saying “hi” already puts you way ahead of everyone else. That’s not an exaggeration. Almost everyone is in an open relationship. There’s nothing wrong with them, but we’re both of the opinion that if we see someone who is already partnered, we’ll play and have a casual thing, but we won’t commit, and if someone else comes along who puts us first, we’re done. I guess as long as everyone’s been up front with their intentions, it’s okay. Everyone else who is single and prefers monogamous dynamics, has some hang ups around sex. I mentioned how I thought it would be easier to date here. I had this ideal about Seattle, before I’d ever been here, that it’s a tech industry, and there are more men than women here, and the statistics would be in my favor. I was so wrong, I was so painfully wrong. She mentioned how she thought if she moved to another city, it would be easier to date. But she loves Seattle so it’s home for her. And I said I’d thought the same thing, but then I was worried what if I moved, and it was the same there? She said she had the same afterthought too, lol.
I can’t establish a fwb thing here like I could in Phoenix. She brought up a Tinder hookup so I brought up this guy, who claimed to be a LT in the Navy. I mentioned accidentally having a one and done thing with this guy stationed in Bainbridge. Okay so, you can claim to be anyone online. We were already having a really good conversation that lasted a few days, and if someone wasn’t who they said they were you could walk away. We went out for Mexican food and drank margaritas, and when we went back to his place I saw his degree from the Naval Academy and a graduation photo in this giant frame. That’s kind of really impressive. He was also very courteous, would ask if I was comfortable, and the sex was great! I felt absolutely nothing in a romantic context. Oh well. I’m okay with this for now. And then they left last month, also he’s a Submarine Officer. Gdi. I sent a text asking when he’d be back, but he might have already left before I sent it. If I hear from him again, cool. If I don’t, cool. And that’s how an unintentional one time thing happens. I explained I’d rather have a semi regular thing going with the same person because of health stuff, and because it’s just nice. She agreed.
I’m so fed up.
More crazy jumbled dreams. Like hiding out in my designated rooms(?), or suite with a friend who was secretly more than a friend to me. She was this very beautiful black woman with long straight hair. I was drawing on the side of her leg from her ankle up to her hip using paint pens. It was florals and lots of filigree work.
There were some other bits about touring this corporate facility and there were lots of glass panels being installed as dividers. They had a green tint to them but were still see through. And as I walked around to view the progress, I opened a door and realized I was in another part of the property that was being occupied by another entity and turned around.
There was a part where I was outside in the grassy area that looked kind of like the area I gree up in but the houses were all different. I ran into a guy who was outside sitting on the ground with some roast chicken and some other stuff. There was food everywhere, like someone setup a huge banquet / picnic thing.
I went inside and was in this huge AF fancy house. The floors were marble, there were lots of details, I can’t emember how many floors were in this house but the stairs seemed to go on for a while. There were a lot of other things going on too, like a lot of steps to reach a location and considering taking a train across the country for a couple weeks. But I’m losing a lot of detail now that I’m awake.
“Somewhere, tucked away in the vastness of it all, hidden between the horizon and the sea, there exists a world where you are loving the one that got away, where the words you never allowed yourself to say flow freely between your teeth. There exists a realm where you did things differently- where you choose the other path. Maybe you are happier there, though that is not the point, for maybe you aren’t. Maybe, just maybe, despite circumstances, despite regret, you are exactly where you need to be. The only thing stopping you from realizing that is the way you whisper ‘what if.’” — Bianca Sparacino, Seeds Planted in Concrete
This has gotta be one of the most emotiionally exhausting dreams I’ve had in a while. I was sitting on a bed and looked behind me to see a lady sitting on the opposite side of the bed peaking, peaking out the window. She was going to leave to go outside and started to vanish, so I hopped on the bed and asked her to stay, placing my hand on her shoulder, and she stopped fading for a minute. We interacted but I forgot what we said and she vanished. I thought she was my grandma, but a 20 something year old representation of her.
I looked out the window to see the park outside the window of the house I grew up in. It was larger and there was some party going on in the grassy area. I ended up outside kind of half looking for where she was going, and half getting to my car. There was a guy who sort of looked like Caesar and he was kind of ghostly too but wanted to talk to me. He got in the backseat of the car and I got in the front passenger seat. He started driving the car from the back and I was all uhhh, driverless cars aren’t a thing yet even though they’re working on it. Maybe I should get in the drivers seat for appearances? And then he was in the drivers seat mentioning how it was actually a nice car, and we were driving looking for a place to grab food and chat. It was dark out now and he said to open the door on the count of three, which I didn’t get. But we both opened our doors so they were wide on en while we were still moving and then shut them. We ended up at a restaurant where we got Indian food and were making small talk. Then we ended up back inside the house and were lounging on opposite ends of the couch, wrapped in blankets, watching some weird Jonas brothers music video that had the three sons from Home Improvement in it, and I was all what are we watching? And ghost Caesar lookalike was all *shrug* and I got up.
We were outside at some pool area and I was moving my things from one table to another cause the water from the pool started rising and the patio started to flood. The chick from before was at the other table. Or someone else who looked like her was. And then I went into another room where o tried to find another pair of flip flops (I had a cheap black pair on at the pool) but only saw some heels so I threw those on.
There was some bit in there where I went grocery shopping at the commissary by myself but I can’t remember if that happened earlier in the dream. It was cray, I was walking around trying to find a cart, then finally found one inside, and I was wearing this huge gray hoodie but didn’t have pants on. So I kept trying to pull the hoodie down so no one would see my panties, and would hopefully assume there were shorts under there or something.
I was trying to drive to the airport but the signs were all jacked and I ended up in some weird parkway loop, asking someone for directions who ended up being a jerk, and then asking someone else who told me how to get there. It was dark out again. And I u turned and then went across the street to this messed up parking lot that was all bumpy and some guy asked if I was there for car services and I was all nah, I’m trying to go somewhere else.
There was this other part later in the dream where I was in someone else’s house, house sitting for them and Brandon was over. Someone kept calling the lan line so I picked up and a friendly voice asked some question I was hesitant to answer but can’t remember what it was. They said they could see me, so I walked to the other room, looked out the window, and saw a guy across the street casually sitting at a table he setup with all this equipment. And as soon as I saw him, he stood up, picked up his gun, and started walking over. I was all oh shit, and tried to cover the mouth piece on the phone while communicating what was going on quietly to Brandon and it wasn’t going well. Then I think there was a baby in the house so I wasn’t sure if it was just house sitting or babysitting but I woke up here anyway. ._.
Its been a crazy week with the boss in town and with mom visiting last week and other stuff going on. I didn’t think I was going to make it, but after a nap and some food I got dressed and went to this crazy show with 10 bands and two stages. Combichrist headlined but I didn’t really care. I’ve seen them more times than I can count in AZ and when you’ve heard one of their songs, you’ve heard them all. They still have a good stage presence. But Nightclub was playing and I friggin love them, so I was super happy to see them, and some of the bands before them were really good too. I had some random chats with people around me, the crowd seemed much friendlier at this show than the last couple I’d been to. This was a nice change.
Here’s the fun bit…
TMW you run into the guy you kinda sorta not really saw for a few months over the winter at a show and you look this good.
Also, TMW the guitarist from the first band hits on you and adds you on the Insta at the bar a few minutes later.
But wait, there’s more. Some taxi almost got into an accident staring at me walking down the street back to my car.
I was fucking hot tonight. Lololol
TMW you discover the last two meds you just took for the evening are both metabolized by the liver. Today would end this way.
I guess I’ll try to sleep, and if I wake up and feel like I’m dying, I’ll go to the ER.
Today was ridiculous. Two rejections, one without a reason and I’m waiting to find out what happened. The other actually likes me but I need to study and try again. And trying to retain new material while being constantly under fight or flight is nearly impossible.
A random conversation I had with the friend who came over for a bit today went through the two guys who ran into a dear in the headlights moment while in bed with me. Which is still incredibly aggravating.
He said he didn’t understand how I was running into so much trouble here because I’m pretty, have a good job, and am okay with an NSA scenario. And I was all IDK, this place is broken. And if I didn’t care who I slept with, I could go to the grocery store and point at someone, then say “you’re coming home with me, get in the car,” or something like that. Lol. Since I gaf, it’s harder. And then the friend mentioned how I wasn’t looking for anything serious and made some comment assuming I wouldn’t want a partner. I explained that I do want a partner someday, but lowered my bar in that context because I still have a ridiculous sex drive and want to get laid. I don’t have this all or nothing mentality with people so I can figure it out with someone as we go along. Someday I would like to get married… if that ever happens. I want to grow old with someone. Then I mentioned, I haven’t brought it up and think I gave up after the last time I fell in love. But I’ve always remained open to possibility. If things lined up and we met, I wouldn’t run from it.
This was pretty flattering. Picked up a friend to hang out while I caught up on work stuffs before work tomorrow (which is stupid this is even happening) and we decided to stop by Five Guys for food. I wasn’t that hungry but decided to run with it, and when we were walking in I apparently grabbed the wrong door since it was locked, and then grabbed the right one. When we walked in the entire team was standing behind the counter and one guy yells out “OMG I love your hair!” and another chick was all “I was gonna say that too!” and my friend orders, we all start chatting and everyone’s super nice. They ask if I want anything and I mention I”m alright, he finishes his order. The cute red head was all… well what about a milkshake? And I mentioned I was fond of milkshakes, so they started naming off options and I said I usually go for strawberry. We chat a bit more and I decide to go for it even though I’ve been cutting down on sugar lately. She tells me to hang on so she can apply a discount, and then says it’s on the house. They gifted me a strawberry milkshake, and were super nice, and liked my hair. The best part was Cake’s Love You Madly started playing right before we walked out. They were so nice and friendly. Day. Made.
Today I saw this tall, I’m guessing nonbinary, person walk by and they had this beautiful long yellow to red ombre going and it was like fire, but it was done nicely and not tacky so I told them their hair was gorgeous and they seemed thrown off for a sec, then said my hair was too and it threw me off and we kept walking ahaha
I don’t remember a lot about the dream I had, other than it involving super annoying and stupid interactions with people.
But there was one awesome bit where I discovered new levels on Super Mario World on SNES. It wasn’t related to star world or the special levels. It was different, and you could play as Mario, or Bowser, or Shy Guy! It was so good, I wish it was a thing.
Had this horrible dream Jay and I were reconciling after taking a really short break. Its like I went back to 2012. We were out at a venue, then went home and were in my bed about to have sex. He was acting unusual and was being hesitant in some ways so I took over, and as soon as I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him closer, he pulled back and had this panicked look on his face. This is where I found out he slept with another chick and lied to me about it, and hadn’t gotten tested yet and was freaked out he couldn’t guarantee not passing something to me. I’m pissed off about that, and also about him lying and putting my health at risk more than anything. This break was super brief, and I got up and yelled at him to “get the fuck out of my house.” He left and I was fuming, trying to figure out what to post on fb, like how to word things as a warning for the community (and out him as a liar) without sounding petty or like I was falsely accusing him of anything outside of what he’d already done / I didn’t want someone to misread as a false accusation he had something when it was inconclusive. I woke up before I got that far.
I can’t remember what you feel like. I can’t remember how you smell, or remember the sound of your heartbeat. Fuck, I can’t even remember your voice anymore. All I do remember is perpetual sadness and disappointment. It’s like my brain finally decided to drop things from my memory. The realization is weird, but its better this way.