Category Archives: Venting

Damage from a past life

Had a really weird sex dream with my friend Sidney this morning, they’ve always been very nice and involved in kink but we’ve never been interested in each other, and their now husband said some shitty things to me years ago and probably had no recollection and it probably never even registered the damage he did to my body image at the time.

It’s really awkward, in recent years he’s been appearing body positive and inclusive, especially with a mutual friend who lost over 100lbs and is still working on getting to her goal. I don’t think he realized when I made an inquiry he could have stopped at I wasn’t his type, instead of elaborating extensively on how Kate Moss and that waifish, 90’s heroin chic being his preferred type. This was right before I ended things with Jay and resolved said body image issues from him, I was not well equipped to deal with that unexpected word vomit.

And he basically said he found me more attractive at 16 than 24. Before I was raped, before the chronic pain and autoimmune shit damaged my body. When I was adolescent and tiny. Any one of those things can be the destroyer all on its own. It took many years and phases to come back from that, but holy shit. I made a drunk inquiry, citing some residual curiosity, at a fetish ball after he made suggestive comments about my ankle tattoos. He could have just said he wasn’t interested and left it at that. Don’t tell me I was hotter at 16. I didn’t ask why.

Some updates:

  • Quarantine is hard, like it’s hard in general but especially as an extrovert. I’ve been doing it off and on all year with that cold and then flu before covid-19 quarantine ™ went down.
  • As is the SOP, I’m more worried about mi madre catching something than myself.
  • Grateful af I can wfh and provide for mi madre & I, and am very aware of my privilege here.
  • Trying to stick with healthy routines. It’s been very intermittent.
  • Been trying to force myself to study on my off time. Making slow progress.
  • I am clinging to social media for dear life and interaction right now (when I was trying to use it less a couple months ago)
  • I miss everyone
  • I especially !@#$’n miss my bf. The video chats have been nice, he still makes me swoon.
  • We need more video chats with friends. Remember those phone party lines from the 90’s? Maybe we should get on Google Hangouts Idk? Zoom? Does Skype do group calls or is video a 1on1 thing?
  • I keep thinking about it but… MMO’s? Anyone? I haven’t social gamed in like a decade. :v

The End

Been crying my eyes out about not being able to carefully come out and see healthy friends on a 1 to 1 basis in their homes, and staying inside indefinitely. I thought the official self quarantine would last until tomorrow but that’s not happening because there is no careful way to come out. I’m not handling this well emotionally at all.

180

I’m running into a communication failure and am struggling to overcome it. I even discussed it with my therapist earlier today, and it’s nice to talk about a good thing in my life instead of dealing with the crisis of the week or some overarching major life event sized crisis (like the one that’s been happening since mid November that I haven’t written about yet because I’m waiting for it to be over).

The issue on my mind is my fear of being too much. I’m afraid of asking for too much or too little at the same time and don’t know how to balance it, and I know this is residual from previous relationships and interactions with people I cared for making me feel like… I was too much to deal with. Adrian is transparent, empathetic, easy to talk to in person, and has incredible EQ. I also can’t believe I found someone worse at online communication than Josh. That was a huge strain and he’d talk to me more, I mean I guess it was all we had for months given the circumstances. This isn’t anywhere close to similar in circumstances. Adrian has availability and is making space for me in his life. This is all new and we haven’t found our cadence yet. But I feel bad not knowing when I’ll see him next. It makes me sad I could send a message and not get a response for hours or the next day, even though he just said something a minute ago. He was honest about not being the greatest with this kind of thing, but I am hurting inside right now, and asking myself if this is really a problem or if it’s just my brain making something from nothing. I think I’d like more of a definitive answer on when we’ll see each other, or some kind of routine. Having no frame of reference has been more difficult than I’d like to admit, but how can he address anything if I don’t tell him.

There’s also some irony with our opposite schedules relegating us mostly to weekends, when one of my biggest pain points used to be never getting weekends.

… it’s also funny my meta and I talk on the daily. We have really good communication online and in person.

How do I keep falling for incredibly gorgeous, intelligent, empathetic men who are awful at electronic communication?!

I wish this nausea would go away. I seem to be in one of those chronic nausea phases right now.

The mind killer

I didn’t want to say this last night because I didn’t want to scare anyone, and I’m not saying this now to be overly dramatic, but I’m going to be real here:

I haven’t been in suicidal levels of pain in a long time, and I was there last night.

Remember when I was so sick I thought I was going to die from that kidney infection in April and did go to the ER? It didn’t hurt as bad as last night. But I knew the cause of my pain in April, and I had an idea of what was causing last night. I live in pain daily, but not all days are created equal. Last night was so extreme I wasn’t sure I’d eventually be able to sleep through part of it, even with all the tricks I’ve picked up over the years to mitigate pain… they weren’t touching this. You start to wonder if the only way out of it, is to opt out entirely. The more than normal pain is still going right now, but has deescalated some. I’m not sharing this for pity, but with the attempt to normalize this kind of dialogue. More of us are autoimmune or live with chronic pain than we as a society acknowledge. This hits both men and women, but the overwhelming majority are women. We spend a lot of effort to present as “normal,” to perform and function and “keep up” with the rest of society, if we can even manage that much. We’re already running at deficits when we show up. Some of us cannot manage our pain, and I’m an example of someone who, even if I can manage it most of the time, sometimes I still get in over my head and it always takes me by surprise. My one post isn’t going to do anything, but I’d like to think some shift towards transparency on a larger scale would get us closer to breakthroughs and results. I’d also hope for a more compassionate world, where someone didn’t have to experience this first hand to show understanding and sympathy. This isn’t complaining, this is discussing one more facet of our reality. I see friends bash themselves and apologize for complaining. Stop. Say what’s on your mind and get it out. Sometimes calling out your pain and being heard can make a difference, so keep doing it unapologetically.

Trust no one

I need to vent this. I hate the fact that every time someone shows interest in me I can’t help but wonder how they’re going to (unintentionally or intentionally) try to use me or disrupt my life. I wonder who they’ve hurt in the past, what boundaries they’ve disregarded, how badly they’ve gaslight, or how far they’ve twisted reality to manipulate. I wonder whose bank accounts they’ve drained or whose health they tanked for personal gain or validation or whatever. I wonder who they’re seeing on the side and aren’t telling me about, or who they’ve made commitments to, and lied to while seeing me on the side and I’m oblivious (this has happened).

Everything I’m listing has happened to me and my friends. I know logically this is an epidemic and is not a gender issue. However, I’ve heard generic blanket examples from men about “crazy” women who pull stunts. I’ve heard countless first hand accounts from friends who are women who have dated men who never wanted to be an adult, never wanted to meet their partners half way, and were happy being taken care of financially and otherwise while making excuses for everything. And this doesn’t count any couples who’ve made agreements that work for them. This is pointing at the guys who throw excuses for everything from refusing office jobs or any job really because it’s beneath them but they won’t call it out for what it is. It’s the guys who made us feel like we were never enough, who said we weren’t pretty and could never do better, or who made us believe we were crazy when bringing up legitimate issues. Who then go on to tell others we’re crazy when we cut the cord and walk away when we find out dignity again and they no longer benefit from us trying to make it work or please them. I realized today there were two issues. Women who were raised or preferred more traditional roles to egalitarian ones probably get more notice from the men my friends and I have hoped to connect with (has their shit together) but we’re overlooked. Also, the deadbeat guys see strong independent women as an opportunity to be taken care of whether we agree to it or not. And this is a bait and switch situation where things start out okay and over time degrade slowly until it’s snowballing and you wake up one day asking yourself wtf happened? A lot of people claim to love strong women until strong women start doing strong women shit. Also I know all the pronouns I used here are heteronormative and thats because it’s easier for me to write it out this way, but the roles could definitely be reversed or interchanged. This configuration is what I’ve been overwhelmingly exposed to. Idk how we find healthy egalitarian partnerships. I see a lot of people struggling to find it, and friends joking they’re half of a “dink” (dual income no kids). I gave up on dating in the PNW and would be okay with a legitimate nsa fwb thing (which is not the same as lacking desire for anything with genuine substance if it were present) and everyone in this region can’t take that at face value, assuming there’s gotta be some catch so I fucking gave up on any kind of intimate connection while living here. There have been few exceptions where there was just an incompatibility in needs or dynamics but it’s rare. Idk if it would be better elsewhere or if this disconnect is spreading. I know I’m not the only one who has worried about it. I know people who found wonderful partners and it’s not perfect, it takes work, but they found their people and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I’m practical and a realist, but these seem more and more like flukes.

I don’t think anyone is looking for perfect, and feel like I need to add if anyone has ever breathed air and lived life, they’ll have issues. We all have issues, I have issues. What matters is acknowledging and owning them. I’ve been calling myself a WIP for years and I know a couple other friends do too. There’s nothing wrong with baggage or a diagnosis as long as it’s not being used as an excuse for bad behavior or as a justification to treat others poorly.

Literally everything hurts

No dreams to write about right now.  I remember when this level of physical pain used to hospitalize me in my early 20’s… I guess because I know what it is, I’ll take some antinausea medicine so I can try to eat a little, take an anti inflammatory, and go to work and try to get stuff done today.  I didn’t know I could be in this much pain where it could cause intense nausea and wake me up from a dead sleep at 4am.  I want to take the day off and have the time, but feel it would look bad right after a holiday so I won’t.   I know I overdid it yesterday getting up at 4am to grab a rental and head north, but I had business to tend to and this allowed me to do it without taking time off work, or waiting months for the opportunity to come around again, but being up 19 hours and driving over 400 miles kicked my ass, and I forgot I would be PMSing now, and I’m achey from a new class so everything’s feeling like it’s snowballing here.  And the early mornings pretty much guarantee a flare but I had to be early.  Just needed to vent this somewhere. *sigh*

Passion

I’ve been meaning to write this out of my system for a while but haven’t really had the time, or had the attention span to sit at the computer long enough to do it.  Last Thursday I went on a date with this guy, and it cracked me up cause I’ve been marathoning Buffy and Angel lately, and I told a girl friend if Angel were 6’4″ and Chinese American, he would be this guy, there’s no other way to describe how he looks.  Anyway, he picked me up and we went to the international district for hot pot then to a place in capitol hill where they have bowling and billiards and he gets us a table.. and I’m just thinking… omfg.  Because I suck at this so bad, it’s never been my game, this is my dad’s game.  And it’s not fair because his reach is way better and he tutor’s math while studying aerospace engineering.  So we fumble through a couple games (and I did a little better than I expected when I was patient) but this is a game of patience and after a couple rounds apparently we didn’t have much left.  So we chatted about a lot of random stuff, and the conversation flowed well… I mean it wasn’t a bunch of small talk but it was barely scratching the surface when getting to know someone and I was trying to figure him out.

He asked me what I liked to do for fun or what I did back in Phoenix I mentioned that I used to go dancing in goth clubs and he said he could see that, and then I mentioned I used to go to karaoke some nights with a group.  I acknowledged it’s hard to find time when working and going to school full time, and we’re both doing that right now, so I asked him what he liked to do whenever he had some time, or what he’d like to do if he had time.  He wasn’t very specific, but eventually mentioned snowboarding and being out on the mountain.  I mentioned how I really enjoy driving, and how I used to go to Jerome and Flagstaff, or how I used to get away to Mt. Charleston when I was in LV.  That was my little haven.  And the patience thing came up again cause he mentioned how he used to draw, paint, sculpt, and do other things but quit years ago because he didn’t have the patience for art… my problem isn’t a lack of patience for art.  I mean I lack patience sometimes for some things but you don’t need patience to create.  My problem is a lack of time.  The concept of not having the patience to do something (you supposedly want to do) kind of hurts my head.  B made a comment about architects and civil and aerospace engineers being like this, which is funny cause the guy was an architect major before switching to aerospace engineering, so I guess some stereotypes are there for a reason. Omg. I just had to ignore the art bit to continue the night.

The music at the venue was a bit hit and miss and kind of random but at some point Johnny Cash’s Walk The Line started playing and he noticed my head moving side to side and made a comment about it, and that’s when I was all oh hey Johnny Cash is a classic, and has influenced so many musicians.  So I thought this was perfect, you can really learn something about someone from music.  So I ask what he listened to or what concerts he went to and he mentioned getting dragged for Mariah Carey, and I was all dude I saw Britney Spears in Vegas and it was a great show.  He mentioned some other shows but made it sound like it was because someone else wanted to go and he was just along for the ride.  I mentioned the last show I went to was Orgy and PM5K a couple weekends ago and it was amazing! I’m so glad it was my first show here, and originally I was gonna go see KANGA in January but missed it cause I was sick.  Before moving here I saw Three Days Grace at the Hard Rock on my bday, and TBM before that at the same venue, and that’s when he said he didn’t recognize any of those names so I mentioned how the last show I saw before leaving Phoenix was Depeche Mode and Crystal Castles, and he recognized Depeche Mode.  lol oh em jee.  He said there was this one time he went with a group to karaoke (he doesn’t sing) and everybody there was singing to this song and a friend asked him why he wasn’t joining in, and he said because he didn’t know the lyrics.. and I’m thinking well, they’re on the screen, but I asked if it was Bohemian Rhapsody and he said no.  Then I asked if it was Journey and he said it was a David Bowie song, and I asked him if it was Ziggy Stardust or Fame and he said he didn’t know.  So I asked him what did he like to listen to, and he said rap and metal and I immediately wondered if I was dealing with a closet ratchet Asian but blurted out my second thought which was that’s an interesting mix.  He elaborated that he doesn’t really listen to the lyrics and phases them out, and it’s the fast pace of the music that helps him study.  So he listens to music while studying, which is cool and I’ve read articles on this but.. wow.  And then he said he didn’t understand why music was such a big deal to people since it’s never been a big part of his life and I wondered if this was just a thing with Chinese people and I was like nono stop… that’s racist. XD  So I dropped that thought and explained how when you meet someone new, if you find commonalities in music whether it’s a shared favorite band or song, it could be a clue on other non music related interest you might share, or maybe you both went to the same concert even if it was in different cities and it’s something to talk about.  I told him about the times I started talking music with people and have handed them my ipod touch before I got an iphone and they scrolled through my artist list only to hand it back and say “I feel like I know you,” and that is an exact quote.  Or I’ve had these amazing conversations about music lineage with Sister Machine Gun influencing NIN, and then we have Marilyn Manson and Filter.  I didn’t even get to the Johnny Cash stealing NIN’s Hurt bit, or the How To Destroy Angels connection.  I mean, I’ve always known this, but I can really see how much I’ve paid attention to and loved music just ranting these examples out, or how much I’ve shared with friends, how many friends I’ve made, or how bridges were built because of this.  Well, when we were leaving he made a joke about the Mariah Carey concert and I was all.. nah, I like Mariah Carey too lol.  I appreciate her music and skill, and then made some You Don’t Mess With The Zohan jokes but he hadn’t seen that Adam Sandler movie so oh well.

And I mean the conversation continued to flow, just not through music.  And we talked about each other’s professional and educational backgrounds and when I started talking tech he didn’t really contribute other than to acknowledge and make a couple jokes.  We ended up sitting in his car for a while chatting and I invited him up for coffee so we could continue and get out of the cold.  We talked about some random stuff, upbringing, religion, he grew up in SF, me and Phoenix.  He pointed to his lip at one point and asked me if it ever got in the way referencing my lip piercing and I was like no, and he was all not even eating, or drinking?  So I grabbed my coffee cup and took a drink, then tried clinking my piercing with it and it took effort.  I almost asked him if he wanted to test it out but didn’t feel like saying it… which looking back is very unlike me.  Something was still missing that I couldn’t place.  He’s good looking, intelligent, driven, available, converses well, and has a nice personality so I wasn’t sure if I was just being a butt as Anne would call it or if it’s because he was different from everyone else before.  Different isn’t bad, I don’t have to be with someone in tech or someone who is a musician but this was kind of getting ahead of myself anyway.  Who knows, we could end up being friends but there was no way I could seriously date him, and I knew this, and he was kneeling on my floor while I was curled up in my office chair and he kissed me, so I randomly asked if my piercing got in the way and he laughed and said no and we hooked up, and it started out alright but it was almost 2am and with out schedules we were both exhausted and not going to orgasm, and I know the first time with a new partner can be awkward sometimes, and I also didn’t realize how run down I was since it’s half a week later and I’m dying.  He was nice about everything and joked we should do a lunch date next time so it’s earlier in the day and we’re not so tired.  I was relieved about his comment and perplexed (at myself).  Thankfully he left shortly after so I didn’t have to kick him out, and then I just crashed out for the night.  But what’s perplexing is I’ve been sleep deprived, exhausted, and even sick, and have still found some energy reserve to have great sex before.  It just didn’t happen this time.

I’m on a weird 50/50 split on how I’d feel if he ghosted me, like part of me wouldn’t care and the other half is like look at me, how could anyone ever ghost me?  And… I can talk to almost anyone about many things, but the tech and music… tech and music are kind of my things here.. which is why I guess I always somehow ended up with guys in tech even though the chef was an exception, and he was still part of the Defcon crowd and had music.  I spoke to my girl friend at work about it the next day and she said it sounded like he lacked passion, and I was all yes!!! Omg yes.  She nailed it, that’s exactly what I was trying to find and couldn’t and didn’t know how to word it.  And we agreed that you don’t have to like all the same things but it’s important to be passionate about something in in your life.  And she said she noticed most people who tend to not care about music, tend to not be passionate.  I mentioned how the sex wasn’t bad but wasn’t anything super mind blowing either and that probably translated into the lack of passion thing, and I mentioned how I kind of got the sense that some people have huge dicks and think they don’t have to really put any skill into it and she was all ohhh yeah no, and I said if I wanted something mechanical I could go out and buy it, but if I want to participate with someone I need more.. and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since I already said first time can be weird and she was all yeah, and I said it’s because of that, that I might be willing to give him another shot and she said that was nice of me to consider it, and then I elaborated I might give him another shot in bed and maybe develop a friendship, but I’d never be able to actually date him.  I’d have to be able to see what drives him.  The fact that I couldn’t catch that is already off-putting.  There is no spark between us.  There is no fire.  Which is really funny that he asked me what my sign was and I threw out dragon because we were in Chinatown, and I knew what he meant, and in my head I’m thinking seriously? Cause atheist.  But I answered Aries, and he’s Leo.  Oh yeah, he matches Leo personality. *sarcasm* We have two fire signs here, lol. We texted a couple days later and the conversation died after that.  We’re both stupid busy anyway, and I don’t feel like I’m losing anything.

But yeah, my girl friend and I agreed most people in our industry are passionate about tech too, we’re not apathetic about it.  I was at the Orgy PM5K show with her and her bf, and he called the show “life affirming” and she agreed.  I agreed, it was absolutely amazing.  And it doesn’t matter what it is, but we need to be around people who can joyfully share those life affirming moments with us, and who want to discuss the things they’re passionate about.  I jokingly asked her if I was asking for too much because I’d like to find a tall, handsome man who is in tech and who loves music and who is passionate, she was like no you’re in Seattle, like it’s reasonable. lol.  I said I couldn’t claim a Seattle celibacy streak anymore and she was like that’s great but I was all meh.  I hadn’t been with anyone since I was in Scottsdale last September, not that I’m counting or anything.  I learned how to get over a lack of interaction in LV years ago, and it takes a lot just for me to.. someone has to hit a few marks before I will ever sleep with them, so this doesn’t happen often.  We’re not even talking about foundation building yet, no one has come close in years.  Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time but I’m tired of doing nothing.  And it’s not a complete loss, I learned more about what I needed by seeing what was missing.  Generally I won’t do something or invest in anything or anyone unless my heart is in it.  I guess that’s not a bad thing, sometimes it’s just annoying.  My inner hedonist is conflicted, or what I want has changed over the years and I have some screwed up idea that I can abstain from instant gratification for something better.  That almost sounds too close to the “logic’ theology likes to use.  But I can’t be anywhere where there’s no passion.  Idk what I’m doing, it’s 2am and I’m thinking in circles again.  I’m just moving forward.

I hate uneven breathing

Omg I can’t breathe out of my right nostril right now and it’s one of the most annoying things ever.  I was up all last night coughing and didn’t get much sleep but at least stopped coughing in the day time so I went to work.. until I tried to eat and got super nauseated so I just went home and went back to bed. And then I’d wake up if I slept in my side and one of my arms was asleep or if I was on my back and then I’d wake up coughing with an irritated burning throat.  I’ve been sick off and on four times since moving here, and everyone keeps saying that happens when you move somewhere new.  So that plus winter time, but new office germs… I’m over it.

I had a string of strange dreams I couldn’t remember today except in one it was a sex dream with B.  I told him about it and he said “oh my” then hoped it didn’t weird me out and I was all nah, I mean it differs per the dreamer, the subject, and other stuff.  I woke up like oh hey I should say hi to B. lol.  And he mentioned how dream him gets an absurd amount of more action than he does irk and I was all saaaame. I can’t even breathe evenly right now so whatever.  *throws hands in air*

Heathen Is A Personal Taboo

I know he hasn’t gone by Heathen in yeeeears.  Also can’t believe I’ve known him since I was 16, and man I’m having ethical conflicts from a goddamn dream, and I’m questioning past decisions.  Even though I know I made some bad moves out of circumstances, the ones I abstained from were still correct.  I mean is he one of my best friend’s ex fiances, and I don’t care how many years have passed, you don’t go there.

In the dream I woke up from, I was laying on a chair on front of his computer but it was more like a recliner, and there was a cute tiny cat curled up behind me that eventually snuggled up in my arm.  A screensaver eventually started cycling through material and it was late so I was passing out.  Apparently I’m still exhausted when dreaming.  I was going in and out of consciousness and then woke up in blankets on the floor, I guess I was carried since I fell asleep and didn’t really think anything of it until I realized someone was behind me and it was Heathen.  He must have noticed I’d woken up and started moving around so he put his arm around me and it felt nice, and then the mental conflict started and I thought wait… this is off.  I started remembering he’s married, and I know they don’t have a traditional marriage but I wasn’t sure what their ground rules were and got nervous.  I didn’t want to be accused of anything so I remained quiet, and as still as possible.  But he knew how to make me twitch, it was like instinct, it was alarming but I didn’t want him to stop.  He slipped his fingers between my legs and holy hell it was everything I wanted at that moment.  He stopped and got up to check on something and I kept tossing around and couldn’t get comfortable or really sleep… in a freaking dream.. so I got up and went to the bathroom just so I could be alone and collect myself but couldn’t and felt like blacking out for a minute.  I went back to lay down and had some dream about some Simpsons episode that doesn’t exist, and woke up to see it was morning and the sun was peeking through the windows.  He was on his back and had his arm around me and it was calm.. and I wondered about all the drama and asked myself when did we reconcile everything?  How did we get to this point?  I remember him and his wife disclosing conversations they had about inviting me into their bedroom at one point.  And.. I mean now I have history with his brother- I don’t even want to think about the one night stand that wouldn’t go away ever.  So I was like fuck it and put my arm around him and snuggled to go back to sleep and he squeezed me close.

The whole thing was just so weird, and even in the dream I gave up trying to figure out what was going on and just wanted to sleep.  I’ve been perpetually tired irl, woke up exhausted despite going to bed at a decent hour, and am painfully sex deprived.. pseudo by choice.  I wish I could get an offer I could reciprocate.  I’ve had to shoot down everyone so far because the interest isn’t there from these individuals.  I like how this dream post just spiraled into venting *sarcasm*.  But seriously, in the dream he was more like the nice caring Heathen I knew for years before I learned about all of the baggage and how bad he was.  He’s a very attractive man who is a terrible person.  I want to believe he’s actually a good person who made some terrible choices in recent years but the way he treated my friend confirms he’s just bad and she dodged a bullet.  I can tell she still thinks he’s the one who got away, and I wish she could accept the truth since more than one person who spent a lot of time with him was able to confirm the same things that came out of his mouth.  I almost wanted to try a reconciliation because I’ve had time and distance to see what went wrong and where I was wrong on my side.  I know I was being reactive to what was going on around me but I can still own my personal actions.  His brother is worse, he uses anyone, displaces blame, has a strong martyr complex, twists contexts behind events to skew perception, and he does it to his own family.  I didn’t realize that until after.  Heathen and his wife still did some terrible things, and still did some things that didn’t sit well with me ethically.. but who am I to talk about ethics anymore?  And how much of that was personal observation versus his brother’s input.  We have not spoken or had any contact in years, and it will stay that way.  It’s better that way.

Schrödinger’s KitchenAid

So a friend invited me to his company New Years party on New Year’s Day / evening, he bartends at a place here in town and it’s nice and there’s all this free liquor and food and karaoke and it’s awkward I don’t know peeps there and as the night goes on it’s fine.. this is out of order.

He had me come over to the apartment so we could walk over to the bar, and when I got there he said he got me a surprise and told me to close my eyes and I was all nahh I’ll just turn around and play Pokémon Go, and I heard a thud on his dining room table and when he said I could turn around there was a brand new kitchen aid in the box and I was all… He said it was a housewarming gift and I was all you fucking did not, it’s too much!!! Like holy shit, like I make good money and I am hesitant to buy it cause of the money and how often I’d use it. And he bought it because over dinner a week or so ago I mentioned how I made a damn good chocolate soufflé cause the menu had one on it and I brought up how I used to bake but didn’t steal my ex’s kitchenaid.. and here is this box and I’m all faaaaaak! Can’t do it, and he argued and I caved fast.

So we did the party then it died down and we went to mercury and someone came in with some hella nasty perfume or god knows what and I left the room with the pool table to the opposite part of the venue and there was no escape and I was getting a headache so I decided to go. And I was looking up uber when he showed up and I was explaining the death thing and he smelled it so we got uber to my place and he detoured to his so he could grab said mixer, and of course he’s coming up with me cause he’s got the box and now he’s in my apartment. And my mom had just gone home 24 hours prior, I hadn’t had a guest yet and was trying to not be shitty and was all… would you like some coffee or tea or water? And he said coffee so I made coffee and we’re chillin at the dining room table and he asked if my tv was curved cause he’d only seen them on display and I was all yeah and handed him the remote and told him to knock himself out since Netflix and Amazon are already configured. So he scrolls through Netflix and throws on Eddie Izzard, which we’re both fans of so that’s cool. I’m chillin in my computer chair and he’s sitting on the chase attached to the couch and after a while turns my chair around so I’m facing him and I have this low key internal panic all of a sudden.

And I forgot the exact wording but he basically said he liked being upfront and having things in the open and to put it in terms Eddie Izzard would use he fancied me and I was all uhhh.. and I said I generally appreciate being blunt and to the point too, and that it’s hard to disclose these kinds of things and it’s hard being on either end of the situation, that over the years it’s never gotten easier for me, and he said something about not wanting to put me on the spot and I was all well he said it pretty eloquently so props. Then I went on this whole rant about how I enjoyed spending time with him and really like him but Ima freaking mess and not there and ranted Vegas life drama then he mentioned drama and he was recovering from himself and that he wasn’t expecting to jump into anything and I was all okay cool and then two and a half hours of Eddie Izzard ends and Netflix starts the next thing and I am fucking dying I need to sleep so bad cannot do late nights anymore, like I’m paying for it because fibro so I caved and told him that I HAD to sleep and there was a pause and I didn’t wanna be a dick so I asked if he wanted to take off or crash at the apartment and he said he could crash here and I was all okay cool cause the couch had pillows and a goddamn king sized microplush blanket, I got ready for bed and he got in with me and I was all well.. I like cuddles, there’s nothing wrong with cuddles. I have different boundaries with different friends and depending on rapport yeah whatever. This was hella awkward for me but it was gonna be weirder if I was all wtf are you doing in my bed I have no intention of sharing with you, so I slept on my side and faced the wall all night. I barely slept. My brain wouldn’t let me shut down all the way T^T

I gave up after 9 or 10 or whatever, trying to sleep in wasn’t going to help me recover so I started getting out of bed and heard him behind me and was all oh.. you don’t have to get up, and he was all what’s up and I started rambling about this database y2k dream I just had and he’s like half ass sitting up in bed like when you lean on your elbow and I realize he’s rubbing my back with his other hand while listening intently and I realized… I think.. I think he was trying to decide on when I was going to exhale so he could kiss me and I shot up out of bed to go turn on my computer and blog the dream and he got up and got dressed and was on his phone on the couch behind me and I just want him to go without being an asshole and was like are you hungry? And he was all oh I was about to ask you the same thing so I yelped breakfast places and he suggested one and I was all lemme call and see if they’re open cause New Years is being observed today and he was all that’s dumb New Years was yesterday and I was all well… so I called and they were booked out an hour and a half and I was all nope, so he mentioned another place in Capitol Hill and they were open with availability so we ate there and then walked out after brunch and he pointed out a cupcake place down the street. We walked into an art supply store, then I was a little weirded out about time when he went into gameworks, and then this bookstore, oh man I forgot about the bookstore.

And then he mentioned this comic shop up the street and I was all are we just walking up to the comic store and he was all if you wanna go that’s cool, I’m just killing time before work etc, and I was all I got a Skype date with a gf in Detroit today (which was true) and said sure let’s go see the comic shop then I gotta go, but there was a demeanor change there and that threw me off. So we’re at the comic shop, then we walked to his apartment cause it was right there, he asks if I’d like some coffee I say sure cause it’s cold out and coffee is quick… it’s a goddamn French press!!! Which admittedly is good but time consuming. And at that moment I’m not in a hurry cause I’d just gotten a fb message from someone I hadn’t heard from in 2012 and was gushing about it and then he finished making coffee and set up Mario kart on Wii U and at this point I’m like fuck it… it’s already 2 something in the afternoon and my day was highjacked with no prior discussion about what fucking plans I might have had. So we play a couple rounds and I gotta go and he’s all you’re walking it back? And I’m all yep, I gotta learn the area but mostly 1. I wanted to gtfo and 2. I feel like I’ve been spending too much on uber lately anyway so I walked down to the main road and took the bus two streets over and walked home in a few minutes, other than it being hella cold for me it wasn’t really that bad.

I ended up having to do damage control because even though I tried to say I didn’t feel like I was on the spot, I realized I was flailing while on the spot. We already had plans to go to to this bartending speed competition and after that and the after party I explained how I had to just “do the awkward thing” and he gave me the most thrown off look. So I explained everything I said the previous week was true and I liked him, just not romantically, and then I brought up the kitchenaid and how I couldn’t keep it. He kept insisting I could saying his motivations for getting it were separate from everything else and that he usually spends a decent amount of money for friends over the holidays and I’m all uhh.. I mean I tried to offer to return it twice and I’ve been very clear about where I stand now.. because I was ambushed and doing some flailing and fire fighting on the spot the previous week. So is it more inconvenient to make him take it back and return it instead of just keeping it? Schrödinger’s KitchenAid is still packed in it’s box in my hall.

My fucking day was highjacked, that’s unbelievably annoying. I need Sunday’s to do some light chores and recover before the work week, I feel run down. And I was doing chores while on Skype with my friend in Detroit and didn’t finish until later in the evening so I didn’t really have a recovery day. I’m still behind.

Holy fucking estrogen

Yesterday was weird.  This is also a super TMI venting rant.

BB invited me to a thing earlier in the week and I accepted without thinking about it guessing it was a larger event she wanted to attend.  Then I saw her comment on it and realized she made the event and was all oh cool it’s at Town Square so maybe it’s a group dinner or something.  Then I realized it was for a movie premier for Bad Moms at 9:00PM, and I was all okay 9:00PM isn’t too bad, I’m already here, I’m leaving the office right before 8 and I could eat something.  We ended up at this place called Neche that recently opened and I saw these two other ladies there, so I guess it was a pretty small get together or maybe some people didn’t show.  The place has decent food and it’s pretty inside but it is slow af.  I got a Japanese mule and it was pretty good.  Apparently I like these things with whiskey or tequila, but not vodka. *shrugs* So we made small talk over dinner and BB works with this chick Janette, and her 6 month pregnant sister is with us, and they seem chill and all.  We go to the movie,  I don’t think I would have picked it out on my own but it was good with a group of chicks, we laughed a lot.  It was packed, and I asked BB how much estrogen is in this room right now? And she was all a lot.  And I said it was like we were at a women’s expo.  Which was only funny cause my estrogens hella low on shark week, and I mentioned how next week when we’re back for Suicide Squad with Palo Alto it’ll be all men.  Last night we only saw two guys in the theater.  Next week I imagine BB and I will prolly be the only ladies, or there could be a couple more maybe.  But it’s funny.

Oh man, and the sister, I feel bad I can’t remember her name.  She was super nice and we were sitting there holding seats for the others and she asked me if I had kids, and I was all nahh.  Do you want kids??  .. yeah, I’m just not there yet.  And she was all bubbly like they’re so fun, and her sister in law warned her with the first it wouldn’t be all fun and games and would be hard but she enjoys it and now she’s about to have her second one, and I’m all that’s cool.  The main character in the movie had her first at 20 and part of the issues it hit on was missing the fun part of their 20’s, and I was all… fuck if I make it out of my 20’s alive I’m gonna call that a win, and I am almost there.  And when people get married why do other peeps start asking about babies like there’s a deadline?  I know the nice pregnant sister was trying to bond and share some of her joy, but uhh, I’m good right now with not having that kind of responsibility.  I would want a few years of marriage without kids, like I’m sure it’s great once you get there but you can’t go back, the time before that is finite if kids are in the future and I’d like a few years of one on one time before expanding.

And while chillin there in this estrogen fest I’m in my seat trying to ignore the stabbity stabbity pains I’m not used to at all.  I usually don’t PMS bad, and I’m all… is this some kind of revenge for barely spotting last time that now I literally have chunks of uterus coming out of me? OMG why can’t you liquefy like every other month first GDI?! Why am I waking up to a murder scene between my legs every morning now?? And I started a day early too and I feel like my cervix is splitting in half.  Yesterday morning I was wondering if this might be what it felt like if someone was raped and then split in half like in Urotsukidoji.  I am not a normal person.  I just went to a chick flick about moms and PTA meetings “being bad” by partying and not trying to be perfect anymore, while calling my uncontrollable bleeding “shark week” and comparing the pain earlier in the day to a hentai.. that’s not very subtle at all either.

But after all that we checked out McFaddens and it was hot inside and noisy and we were all screw this and went to Blue Martini and I got BB a cosmo and got a mojito, and we got a hookah and it was still stupid loud in there, like I hate crowded excessively loud venues where you feel like you planned poorly by not bringing earplugs.  But at least the company was good.  Janette and I were talking for a little bit and she asked if I listened to the kind of music that was playing and I was all noo, and handed her my iPhone.  She only scrolled to the E’s, then said “I feel like I know you.”   Which cracked me up cause the last time I handed an Apple device for someone to scroll through my music was you.  My insides were committing seppuku back then too.. which was literally the only reason why I left. Weird.  Anyway.  BB and I took off a little after that and Janette hugged me saying I was her new favorite person lol.  We are now fb friends.

And I am so annoyed whenever I’m in this state because I keep flipping between I feel miserable and I neeeed to get laid before I do anything else. Like lemme go hop in the shower and I’ll brb.  I am going to consume massive amounts of coffee and chocolate. Somebody just put me out of my misery already.

So Defcons coming up..

I just randomly remembered the IOActive parties from black hat, bsides, and Defcon and checked their Twitter and registration was open!  I can’t believe I remembered on time, I can’t believe this is all around the corner.  I can’t believe I remembered BSidesLV, it’s way more accessible and community based than Black Hat, and I think it’s free if I remember, or fairly nominal.  They happen at the same time, so I’m trying to decide if I wanna check out BSides the first few days of August, and then swing over to Defcon that weekend.  I’m not even sure if I’ll attend Defcon “proper” or if I’ll end up hitting all the parties at night and sleep through the days like I did on accident last time.  Idk.  I wasn’t planning.. on planning?  Maybe I should take the first week of August off for once and just see what happens?

I still feel janky from the prescription inflicted nonsense.  Prescription Inflicted should be the name of an industrial project.  Like Fault Tolerance.  This keeps happening.  My brain keeps saying stuff like this.

I’m in such a bad mood from today.  After knocking out the 12 credits I needed before the end of the month I crammed for an extra class and missed the assessment by 3 points.  Tried again after burning through material and went down an additional 2 points and was all wtf.  I emailed my mentor.  Idk what to do other than walk away for a bit and give my brain a break.  Or focus on something else, so Linux videos are playing in the background while I half ass pay attention and ramble on here (I’m remembering more than I thought and it’s surprising) .  I’m still not sure about my major, or if I’m going to change it.  Because I hate networking and the CCNA is in this path and I don’t know why tf they did that and I don’t wanna do it.  I’m upset about Sanders.  I’m looking at 3rd party options now.  A friend said some uncalled for things about a political post I made and we can’t come back from that, and I don’t think he realizes that.  He was absolutely unapologetic when I flat out said it hurt my feelings.  It went from discussion to personal fast, which is immature and unbelievable.  Lose all your respect for me while discussing ideas and hypothetical options.  Way to convince me to align with your ideals.  I didn’t think I’d lose a really good friend over an idea.  I think this is probably the worst thing that happened today.  I ate too much chocolate this evening.  I’ve been even more excessively isolated lately than before and idk how to break this pattern.  I keep packing on the school work after the work work.  My mother keeps bringing you up.  Okay, she’s only done it twice.  Because I think she’s trying to understand because she’s confused.  Which is understandable because I’m confused / was confused / flails.

I hope you found shrimp molcajete.  I hope there is a unicorn pinata out there with mini chocolate patron bottles, and I hope the ants diaf.

The guy in the video lecture just said master and slave, and I know they’re talking legacy IDE HDD but now Depeche Mode’s Master And Servant is playing in my head.

I wish the OASIS in Ready Player One was real so so baad right now.

Venting

My eyes hurt. Everything hurts, but my eyes hurt and are super red from not sleeping.

I was watching a thing involving Hawaii and thought it would be nifty to visit, then remembered your photos and realized I couldn’t do it.  My friend in Japan is only stationed there for the next 9 months and keeps asking me to visit. I can’t. Every time I think of a place that sounds awesome.. as soon as I associate it with you I can’t do it.  I think of places and I want you to show me things you liked there, or I want to find things with you like SLC.  It can’t be helped.

I really wanted chicken mole from Blue Iguana yesterday, and couldn’t remember where I got it from at first. And then I remembered it wasn’t here in Vegas and was all… fuck.

I can’t manage my pain right now. I mean I’ve gone years without any real maintenance or medical intervention but now it’s become unbearable by myself. This outlet has become a dumping ground for me to vent unfiltered nonsense and bs. At least I see a specialist Friday (I hate talking about these kinds of things). I hate admitting it. I hate admitting I’m still coming to terms with everything and it’s destroying me.

Points for quoting Foamy

Me: “I’m used to waking up alone, so why does waking up alone on Christmas feel like somethings being rubbed in your face? No one in particulars doing this. But this extra layer of loneliness can go choke on a fuckin biscotti.”

Goth mom: ” Despite having a bf for most of the decade, I’ve woke alone every holiday. Still sucks this year as a single, but still not as bad as alone when I shouldn’t have been.”

Me: “Feeling lonely in a relationship is worse than actually being single on a holiday. This is true. I’m doing better than I realized this morning.”

Hammock

None of my dreams have been worth committing to long term memory, a lot of them have been stressful or sad and painful. At least this afternoon I had a nice nap while it was raining. We were cuddled up in a hammock and it was breezy. We were at some resort on the coast but there was still a pool nearby.  Why can’t it be like this in real life? *sigh*

Embers

Didn’t fall asleep until after 1am and pretty sure I woke up every 30 minutes after that until my alarm went off at 7:30… tried to buy myself an extra 30 minutes… did not matter.  Most of my dreams have been work related lately, and I know that’s usually a bad sign and it’s a form of stress dreaming.. from the csv dream, to another one at the office, to another one fighting the FedEx account, which all happened earlier the same day said dream happened.  I vaguely remember a dream this morning and Anne’s cat Zuko was in it.  Yesterday when I was hanging out with Tyler, I picked up Zuko and put him on my lap.  He’s been unhappy while she’s been on vacation back east and was chilling on my lap taking all the lovins and attention he could get until Natalie came home with a work friend then he jumped up on top of the couch, growled, and ran off.  I didn’t know cats could growl like that, I was expecting a hiss that didn’t happen, but apparently he thinks he’s a dog sometimes because he grew up around 2 of them and now there are 4.  The patterns this week seems like if I did it, my brain will dream about it later that night.  So with that logic if I’d spent the weekend having sex, all I would have had were sex dreams.  What a waste.  But it’s been weird and mundane, at least nothing scary, it’s just repetitive.  The other day, since Josh has been having all the good dreams, I thought maybe he stole some dream voodoo from me for a while, but that’s okay cause I’d hear about them anyway.  Sometimes when I get out of some crazy things that could have been really bad I wonder if I borrowed some of his luck.

It’s been raining all night and it’s pretty dim outside.  I’m so tired, glad I made it back to barre yesterday, still haven’t done any homework, did some gaming officially this year.  My mentor at the university is going to be disappoint.. this sucks.  I wish I could figure out the perfect balance of work, school, sleep, barre, foods, sex, social, and have enough time for entertainment and unwinding do catch up on shows and anime and manga and game, and in game socializing in an mmo that’s fun can cover me here.  Going out in this town sucks and even if I were still in Phoenix I’m over it.  I’d rather hang out online with people I like.  I’d rather game with Mel and Chris.  So if you’re reading this start XIV back up and I’ll join you. At least we’re in the same timezone. lol

I was thinking about when he was giving me a massage, Tyler asked what was bothering me and I said my sinuses were a little congested, and he was all no what’s bothering you emotionally?  and I was all oh and paused for a minute.  He said the rest of my body was ice cold and my solar plexus was on fire.  I said maybe it was the chili rellano and carne asada taco from earlier as a joke and he was all noo food won’t do that.  I was denying stuff because I didn’t feel like divulging what I’ve been going over in my head.  I have been keeping my mouth shut about how I’ve been feeling with everything, and I write it out in here when I need to at least try and get it out of my system.  I thought I was adjusting into fall alright and then it started raining.  I forgot there was some snow on the mountain in my dream this morning too.  That’s entirely possible irl right now.  It’s also hard to tell what to expect because it can get in the 60’s and 70’s then be back up in the 90’s by the end of the week, and that back and forth without a transition sucks.  Idk why I pushed so hard yesterday at barre but I did and now my left leg is cramping.  I’d probably be way worse without the massage so I’m glad that happened yesterday.  The not sleeping well hasn’t been helping, I thought at least fixing my diet and strictly being gluten free this last week would help with some of the fatigue and aches, and it’s only been a day but usually barre helps me sleep better at night.

I feel irrational because I think things that are bothering me shouldn’t be.  It’s not a constant, it’s like a little program running in the background.  He made the comment regarding the dreams and how he needed to get laid and that would probably fix it, and that did break my brain because he lives with a gf and it doesn’t matter.  That sounds so broken, my brain doesn’t get it, and his response that she’s still asleep while he makes breakfast and it’s essentially noon.  There’s nothing wrong with sleeping in and having different schedules, but how do you not find time to connect?  I’m pretty sure that’s on her end.  It’s so off on so many levels, and I know what I said previously and I stand by it and in my mind I am done done, but a little ember that’s left in me still gives a fuck and is angry at this.  That he’s accepted this, and then I have a very selfish drive of my own.  He could have it so much better, I could have it so much better.  We.  Us.  There is no us. We are not a thing.  I’m still waiting for this ember to go out without having to smother it and feel suffocated.  We’re transitioning.  I’m trying to give it time, and to be accepting.  This fire inside is struggling to stay and struggling to go, and I am burning up inside, I guess that’s the heat Tyler was feeling.  I swear I’m still an atheist, it’s just an interesting take on things, and maybe that’s his way of saying it’s his intuition.  Change is extremely difficult, this one is no exception.

I needed to move like yesterday

Day 2:

Got home at 8:35PM. 20 hours in the office this week and counting.  I’m cranky I haven’t been going to barre and haven’t gotten any homework done.  I’m cranky because I want to get drunk, but  then I feel like it would be irresponsible because I’m too tired, and I don’t have the time for it anyway.

And then apparently some schedule change happened for some termite inspection today I was unaware of and mom tells me she came into my room to tidy up and was like you don’t mind right? And I’m all “WHATEVER.”  I mentioned something like who cares about a slightly disheveled room, seriously other than my closet door being open and my bed being unmade everything else is immaculate.  Well, certain items that plug into walls and contain batteries were in my bed but blankets were over them.  I walk in and see the bed is made and pillows are over it.. I haven’t even bothered to undo it to see what I’m dealing with regarding what she dealt with earlier… this shits supposed to happen when I was like 10 years younger, wait maybe not, but like no. Just no.  I wish she found weed instead, but not really but kind of?  Idk.    My bones ache from today.  I can keep up with the hours for a while when it’s straight desk work but right now it’s not.  I’m seriously not complaining, I really don’t mind the work and I understand what’s happening, I’m just tired.

I’m trying to ride this anger high to keep that mortified feeling back.

Associations

All my days are blurring together, there are so many hours strung together because there aren’t enough of them to do all the things.  Been doing a lot of foodie adventures with Tyler and Brandon.  I introduced Tyler to Moko and we ate a bunch of awesome things.  Brandon and I went to Mint earlier in the week and I had the best Indian food in forever.  Saturday was Liam’s birthday bbq house party thing.  Sunday I goth’d out for the moon and it was cloudy so I went to see Sarah while she was bartending and ended up at Cornish Pasty with Brandon, then back to her bar.  I was called totes adorb and given chocolate bread pudding that night. It hurt my tummy, but it was so tasty and i would have felt rude refusing it.  I like how I’ve been surrounded by so much alcohol lately, and feel like I need to drink myself into stupidity but have barely had any.

I feel like I’m not keeping up right now.  I was so wrecked from the hours last Tuesday and Wednesday I went home early Thursday and Friday, slept early Friday and slept off and on Saturday before leaving the house around sunset.  I crashed out in their guest room so I wouldn’t have to drive across down sleepy and still woke up exhausted.  I decided to detour to Sunrise Coffee since it’s around the corner and got a London fog and gf lemon poppy seed muffin.  I love that place.  London fogs, dirty chais, and Mexican mochas will always be my caffeine drinks… in that order.  It’s one of the places I still associate Josh with.  Brandon and I were talking about landmarks in cities since he recently went through a break up.  I didn’t have it so bad in Phoenix, and I think it was due to a few factors.  I have a long established history there, my earliest memories are there, I had a life and friends and other associations, and a strong support network of friends.  Even when certain places were associated with Jay it was fine because I had my own places, or maybe we were together long enough I was just established all by myself.  I would have ended up the scene anyway, I just have so many ties directly and indirectly, but he really immersed me in it, and I passed him socially, and I know that got to him.  I will never settle roots where I am now, and have the luxury of not being tied to any place, so I can have ideals and go sample them before deciding.  I’m more comfortable here, I’ve felt like I’ve had hometown advantage sometimes even if this doesn’t feel like my hometown, but I just passed the 6 month mark living here when I met him.  There were/are strong associations to Four Seasons, it was hard looking at Mandalay, I would stare at MGM waiting for a light to turn green.  The coffee shop on the east side, my favorite Korean food place.  All these happy things just super painfully sad.

The associations and the emotion have dissipated a little and it was surreal over the weekend leaving the coffee shop, it was faster taking Sunset road all the way down and that road stretches along the airport.  I’ve only been there for him and for Mel and Chris.  I saw all the Southwest planes, then saw two Deltas take off and go west, I wanted to be on one, to go anywhere, to be anywhere else.  The drive to go somewhere is so bad right now.  The airport entrance to the 215 was blocked due to construction so when I got to Las Vegas blvd I could either go left and pass Town Square to the 215, or turn right and take Russell to the 15.. I decided to do that since it’s faster and I’m willing to take that stretch of freeway during those hours.  It’s very calculated lol.  There I was at the light right after the Las Vegas sign, waiting to turn left, right in front of Mandalay.. glancing right and as my eyes wonder up the strip there is the MGM off to the right.  And it wasn’t so bad.  It’s some minor melancholy, without the urgency, without the sharp, stabbing, heart in your throat, empty feeling in your chest.  This is a slow transition.  I couldn’t listen to certain music for a while and was like fuck it.  This was established in my life a long time ago. Leaving the coffee shop Utada was playing, and turning onto the freeway Something To Sleep To started. Seriously, Michelle Branch? Thanks shuffle. I guess time and a sense of already having been there and conquering that kind of emotion helps.  New memories and associations help.  Feeling more established where you are helps.  I know the situational and seasonal depression has been compounding with other noise in my head and that’s making everything harder to adjust to.  I have no patience for myself, I’m working on it.  I woke up nauseated and fatigued this morning, pushed through today, managed 10 hours.  Ralph was there for me Friday and today, he pulled me away from my desk to stop and get something to eat.  He’s noticed my exhaustion and surprisingly has been a moral support. I guess my loud obnoxious good mornings diminish into hey, I walk different, I guess my face gives it away too? It’s noticed, it’s weird.  It’s appreciated.  He’s stressed and concerned about how he’s doing, and he’s trying to get it right.  Everyone is stressed, not one person is able to say anything different.  I was so tired I had no appetite when I got home but ate a little bit half an hour ago. Today was hard.  I don’t know why, I don’t know if it was because yesterday didn’t phase me, and the day before that, like it’s some kind of delayed reaction, or if I’m just tired and worn out today.  I just felt like hiding.  So then I’ll hide for a day, and if I feel like it tomorrow I’ll do it again.

Ex lovers and crippled fingers

I kept getting cramps in my legs last night, haven’t had to deal with that for a while but I guess 22 hours in 2 days will do that.  My right ring finger specifically and my hands hurt too.  By the time 7pm rolled around yesterday the way my hands were gripping boxes looked like I had advanced arthritis with my index and middle fingers crossing over each other for support.  I had to keep trying to correct my hands but at least it was at the end of the day… this is the first time they’ve acted this way too.

Anyway,  I had dreams where everyone was having breakfast at different tables post wedding and I went to give the brides hugs, glomped Mel, glomped Chris and she kissed me and I was like well that was unexpected and girly. lol

Matthew broke up with his girl who was also named Chris in the dream, but her name is Ashley irl.  I was wondering in the dream if that meant he’d come up to visit me on his own without his group… immediately after hearing a break up, how terrible of dream me.  Seriously. And recently when he did text me asking how I was I said good and immediately asked how Ashley was doing to shut that down.  I know he’s a great guy in a not so great relationship who feels responsible for some girl who didn’t have her shit together but he needs to really sort that out.  Just because we were fwb back in the day, it doesn’t mean I want to continue everything in the same context.  Bruh… we’re still friends, just not like that.

I wonder if this has to do with my friend in Phoenix messaging me online about Jay and Darlene breaking up.  I’m kind of surprised anyone would immediately hit me up about it and kind of not?  Idk, I haven’t seen him in years and cutting him out of my life was one of the best things I ever did.  I wouldn’t have met so many amazing people, and wonderful men, and had the opportunities and growth I’ve experienced professionally, personally, and with education.  It’s been all wins and no losses.  She thought I might be amused by it saying she guessed he was tired of dating himself.  I said I found it kind of sad, cause I had hoped he got it right this time with her.  Even if I no longer  have respect for him and who he became, I still wish him the best, and hope he goes through his own personal growth to being a better person.  This isn’t in some facetious judgmental or empty statement.  Once upon a time he had my heart, so once upon a time he was a wonderful person to me.  I hope he gets there again and gets it right with someone.

Sitting here wide awake on little sleep, drinking an earl grey latte I made downstairs.  My hands hurt so bad, everything aches, but at least it was due to work and not because of fibro so it’s more acceptable and less depressing haha.  Idk what today is going to be like.  I’m also fighting dyslexic fingers this morning so this should be fun.

You protest having a cute quarter Korea  Scottish baby with me someday but you’re jealous Utada’s Italian Japanese baby isn’t yours? “Cause it’s your weakness.” I’ve heard that kind of talk before. You suck. It’s not like you’d ever do anything about it. Or it doesn’t mean you’re actually serious on the caring enough to be jealous thing. You suck so much.

Someday I’m gonna have the cutest mf baby the world ever saw.

 

YOU STILL SUCK!!!!!!

Pillow forts

I guess I was at home only the layout was way different and roomier. We’d been talking about a bunch of random stuff and I was kind of in my own little world? Laying on my tummy on the floor, black hair in my face (my dreams haven’t adjusted to the lighter hair yet). You moved my hair out of my face to kiss me and it made me happy but I was all awkward. It was late, we had a bunch of fluffy blankets on the ground like a pillow fort and a futon in front of the tv. New Archer was going to come on and you said oh then you could rest for now and rolled to face away from the light from the tv. I went to cuddle you then thought I should go upstairs and find pjs. I also thought what if mom came home early, they’d left for the summer. We already killed the lights so I’d pull the covers above us, she’d think its just me and go upstairs. I never knew what day she’d return from San Diego.

When I scooted close to put my arm around him I looked up and thought wow, he really is the most gorgeous individual I’ve ever met. It’s everything, it’s more than the superficial, it’s his mind, what he thinks, his preferences. It’s what we’ve gotten right, what we’ve done wrong, our flaws, our histories, what we’ve made it through, all these things that make us who we are. That’s what makes us as individuals amazing. Even in dreams one internal, silent little wow encompasses all that. Even when I move forward with reality, my dreams struggle to let go, instead they hold on as tight as possible, fighting my will to adjust. 2014 was celibate up until a one night stand with a friend, and celibate through the end of the year until I fell into some unintentional monogamy. I think that’s warped me, made it a little harder, but even in dreams I think the world of him. That’s cool but, just chill brain. It’s so weird, in dreams I know, I don’t know, but I know it’s like I could blink and he’s gone. It’s almost like an abandonment fear. I’ve never had abandonment issues in my life, with anyone. It’s usually been me who walked and I’ve always been very up front about doing it. 

Later in the dream I  went upstairs to go through my closet and saw a bunch of stuff hanging up I didn’t recognize only to realize later they came with other things. The room was wrecked and I was trying to figure out what happened. There were pins on the bed with a card from Aaron which freaked me out. I thought about moving to San Francisco, I could make it there, find another company, I wasn’t sure what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to, but I think it was to myself, cause I’m dumb. I have dumb moments. Then I was in some store and these kids rushed by. I walked out to the street and was with Angela going over pics from a previous trip where the streets were flooded and we were there and there were other random pics I can’t remember. We were near union square. I walked into a market and there were all kinds of random foods. I was walking through an aisle to find someone I was with and this lady I’m passing points out this display with a bunch of tea, I said it’s not what I’m looking for thinking mint tea doesn’t sound bad. I look at it and it’s spearmint. I feel like an asshole. Then I think that’s not what I want though…so am I thinking peppermint?

I heard the loud one exclaim down the hall you’d be back in a week yesterday. He sounded excited.