Category Archives: Uncategorized

Fuuuuuuuuuck!  Was so exhausted I fell asleep around 7 hoping to catch up on sleep and just woke up… so this only counts as a 3 hour nap.  This has been an issue, I either fall asleep when it’s easiest, then wake up and go back to sleep super late, or try to prevent it by staying up a couple hours later but end up being more awake when I intend to go to sleep and still have insomnia.  I guess yay at least I napped?

I guess I could use this time to pack, or do homework.  I took a break from university but still have homework from therapy, or could keep running through python if my brain will let me, or there’s something else I must be forgetting.

And as soon as I wake up, I can’t stop thinking about you.  Which is nothing new, but I’m used to dealing with it in the mornings and not right now, not this intense.  The loneliness and how bad I miss you are extra bitter right now.  I can’t believe how when you needed space, I still missed you but it was much easier because I wasn’t waiting to hear from you.  And now that you’re “back” you’re also back to your old cadence and it’s a hard one for me to emotionally swallow. And it was different when I needed to handle things for a couple weeks, you shut the world off to cope, and I understand why.  It’s becsuse even though you’ve been willing to initiate some more over time, it’s always me keeping it going, or randomly reaching out past noon.  I know after a certain time of day, like weekends, I won’t hear back, and when it’s that overwhelming I’ve tried to retreat and become inactive so I wouldn’t give into my impulses to bomb you with messages and demand the attention I want.  This is usually when I hear from you, and am relieved, and then the afternoon comes, rinse repeat. This is why I’m worse when we’re open versus when one of us is on hiatus.  Not that it makes sense, none of this does.  I have a lot of things I’m holding back and not asking. I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to discuss them since I won’t do it here.

I never knew things could mean so much to me while simultaneously being meaningless to everything else.

FML it’s 2:43AM. This sleep things feeling like an all or nothing kind of thing, and my neck hurts. It’s been inflamed so much the last couple weeks and massage and ibuprofen is only handling it for little bits at a time, wtf?!

So exhausted and aggravated and out of it and want someone to take care of me and comfort me and stuff right now. *angst*

I swear I’m an atheist…

Do I “fit” whatever’s affiliated with Aries/Dragon?  The western woo is a fire sign, my year element is earth, and the first character of my name in Chinese is water.  I think all I’m missing there is air?  Either I will become the most badass mage to walk the earth, or this shit is so mixed up it would be ludicrous to try and make anything of it outside of entertainment.

Fml it’s late, and the insomnias finally throwing me into delusional.

I like breaking things:

• gender roles
• stereotypes
• generational cycles of *insert negative thing here*
• expectations
• patterns

This is kind of funny since it’s been my job to fix things for years.  Maybe I should switch to breaking things there too. But yeah,  it’s been a life mission to break out of cycles instead of continuing to be trapped in them, whether itwas from someone else looping me into their patterns, or trapping myself into old habits.  It’s been a very reflective transition into winter.  This has been going through my mind today as I replaced things like the keys in my purse, subscriptions to services, and ran over my hour appointment chatting about random stuff with my banker after planning financial ish.  He finally shooed me away saying I was the kind of person he could talk to forever.  Which I guess might be a complement?  And it was good he ended the conversation there or I would have been late to the next appointment.

It’s nice to see a light at the end of the tunnel with this move, and even though works been awkward lately, at least I feel like I know what I’m doing in my personal life right now *don’t let this thought jinx this pls* I remember not knowing wtf to do with both a while ago, but a lot of stress dropped off today and I am grateful.  Trying to be more patient, trying to set things up now for an easier 2018.

It’s almost 3AM.  There seems to be a reoccurring theme here, lol.  I don’t get it, I’m home way before midnight and still don’t fall asleep at a decent time.  Maybe it’ll get better once I’m in the new place?  I need to enforce a routine again.  And I’ve noticed I’ve been venting more on here recently too, but I feel like it’s letting me get it out of my system as it periodically rises, so I’ll run with it.

Today I went to see my first ballet.  It was great and I don’t know why it took so long for me to get over some hang ups.  I’d made a comment recently about how I reserved some things in my mind as things I couldn’t do by myself, like it wouldn’t be special enough if it wasn’t a shared thing, or would be boring, or just sad.  I think this is why I haven’t been pushing for international travel as much, even though its still a thing I want.  And then I decided I could enjoy things later when I have someone to enjoy them with, but I can still go do them now on my own.  I was the only person stopping myself, so I got the tickets.

I made a list a couple days prior of all the different things I hadn’t done in this city, and I’ve been here a year… and even though it wasn’t a priority I still saw a bit of the touristy stuff and the cultural stuff.  I think once I’m out of downtown I’ll be able to breathe.  I can visit, I can take it or leave it, instead of being immersed in it 24/7.  This is a beautiful state, and the nice drives and the trees and mountains are not far away.  Maybe having more space up north, and going through my list of local things will help me like it here more.  It worked with Vegas. And I got to check off ballet, and taking the monorail today.

It’s 3:40 in the morning, on Black Friday, and my mind is busy trying to solve puzzles and trying to solve questions that have no answers. I can’t believe how much stuff has happened recently.  My brain is so used to not letting a problem, perceived problem, or something with an unsatisfactory answer go, and I’m so used to researching the fuck out of something until I get the answer I’m looking for, or at least have a better understanding of it. And I’ve finally come to understand not all things work that way, and some things will never have answers and we will all have to make peace with that.  But I am still having trouble aligning my emotions with the logic I already possess.  It’s like I kill a lot of brain cycles on unimportant things, and it’s not leaving bandwidth for legitimately important stuff.  Can I call this mental malware? Or a bug? I’m glitchy.  Like, I’ve been wanting a chassis upgrade  forever, but now my CPU’s fucked up due to corrupt OS.  And we know it’s bad when we’re about to shift from computer analogies into programming jokes.

I feel stuck on so many levels in so many ways, even though I’ve made progress in the last year on a few things. It’s like, I’ve been relegated to smaller incremental efforts… because life, and life throwing middle fingers.  I need to try something new professionally, I’ll implement that next week.  I needed to move because my current environments been bad for me, in the middle of doing something about it.  Moving is awful.  My apartments half packed, I have the walkthrough for the new place this weekend, scheduled movers, scheduled move out cleaners, scheduled carpet cleaners after, scheduled walkthrough to return keys.  Called the electric company, water utility, garbage service and I guess they’ll deliver garbage and recycling bins in a couple weeks.  Still can’t pin an ISP down because the property is so new it’s not in the system yet, and this is getting uncomfortably close to the move date.  Switched insurance companies cause I found a better policy, scheduled the old policy to end next month, scheduled all the other services to drop off next month, set a reminder to return the router to the old ISP because even though I wanted to just go out and buy one, I was talked out of it. Not that it matters right this second.

Some friends asked me over Thanksgiving dinner when the housewarming party was, and I was all uhhhh….. I’m still packing, I’ll get back to you on that one.  I mean, I’ve never thrown a proper one before and the ideas appealing but I can’t even think about it right now. I’m so mentally exhausted.  I know we all run that way to an extent anyway, but we’re all accustomed to certain loads, and I’m overextending with the move, trying to keep up with therapy, work, follow up appointments, dealing with PD, and take care of myself without cutting corners.  I let the packing go for the last couple days, partook in gluttony at a friends house, am laying here undecided on whether or not I’ll join the masses in spending a stupid amount of money on stuff tomorrow.  I kind of want a new coat, it’s colder than I’m used to here… still.  At least the PD thing is done, it was difficult hearing what they had to tell me, and it was very disheartening, but I tried my best.  Look at me adulting AF over here.  I’m not any more accomplished, or satisfied, or feel put together.  I keep flip flopping. emotionally. on. everything.  Right now it’s somewhere between numb and something Idk or understand, but makes me wish I was closer to apathy.  I’m still exhausted, still feel like I’m always forgetting that one thing that’ll end me and render all the effort null, despite the rolling to do lists I keep.  I don’t remember how to be content.  Adding some time for gaming has been helping a little, bit those silent moments are fleeting. I’m just going to crawl back into the abyss and see where my dreams end up taking this.. which should be entertaining and probably fucking awful.  Good night.

Went on a sudo date thing? Idk.  I never really know.  While I was up north this morning he texted that he was going to be downtown and asked if I wanted to grab food. I had some time between an errand and an appointment so we got brunch and then went our separate ways.  After my appointment I hit him up to see where he was at and he was in the neighborhood so he went with me to grab boxes, then we got Mexican food for dinner, ranted about video games, music, the concerts we’ve been to recently, Starcraft, Maple story, our industry, how shittily our industry is paid in Canada apparently, and anime… so. much. anime. And hentai.  I really appreciate it when I can have a candid discussion about hentai with a lot of humor.

We ended up tracking down green tea dessert at this Taiwanese boba dessert place a mile away after discussing the infatuation Japanese society seems to have for Paris, and how there must be French bakeries in Japan with the cutest pastries.  And he mentioned green tea flavor pastry.  He also said coffee in Tokyo was awful, like he had to seek out Starbucks, and there was a Seattle’s Best there. Lol.  We split this green tea red bean honey toast, I never had one before and really wanted to try it, and he offered to help so I didn’t die. It tastes like breakfast. But it wasn’t bad. He insisted on getting dessert and I appreciated it.  We ended up spending a lot of the day together, which was nice.  It’s been a while since I’ve been out with someone and was fully present.  My mind is usually cluttered and distracted, and it was great to not have anything else on my mind while we were running around town today.

The last time we ended up hanging out was at an arcade to play Queen Bee in Fremont, and then getting food at the awesome metal bar down the street, and that was legit too.  And I can’t tell what’s happening.

I’m getting my ass kicked right now.  It’s hard to adjust to the cold weather, I’ve never lived anywhere this cold or wet before, and my system isn’t handling it gracefully.  With that, work, prepping everything for a move, and dealing with the report, I’m succumbing to the exhaustion.  The insomnia and recovery schedules bad, the pains bad… due to today’s flare I took the day off work, and other than a couple minor phone calls, slept, watched Netflix, played a couple video games, ordered pho, and didn’t get anything done.  It feels bad, it feels like there’s never time to do nothing, but I also know resting is a necessary evil. If I get worse I’m sol.  I know this logically, knowing is emotionally hasn’t sunk in yet.  Will it ever?

I’ve been feeling sick.  Not viral sick, but stomach sick.  Idk if it’s stress, it’s not the chronic nausea I’m used to.  But I haven’t pursued another specialist on this one, I needed a break after cycling through a bunch of doctors over the summer and had a couple follow ups at the beginning of the month.  I’m trying to prioritize and fix as much of this as I can and try to keep reminding myself to focus in this order: sleep, hydrate, eat, work, deal with the move and other things after.  I skipped a concert I really wanted to go to tonight, because priorities.

It still feels like a lot of things are missing.  I feel like I’m running with many deficits, and the one that kills me is the deficit of wisdom.  I’ve gotten better at seeing when I’m overloaded, and at backing off temporarily instead of imploding like I used to, but it still feels insufficient.  I’ve added more time for gaming lately to give myself a mental break, and tried to do a little origami to get into the habit of doing something creative again.  I feel like that part of me died and I’m trying to raise the dead here. I feel like I can still take risks with my life choices if I believe in them, but I’m drifting and haven’t figured out the next thing yet.  This feels like a hiatus.  I might have lost my path a little while spending some time where I am currently.  It’s not a bad place, it just doesn’t feel like there’s anything for me and I should be more active in deciding what happens now.   I always have a restless mind when I’m sleep deprived and my body aches.  None of this probably makes sense, but getting it out of my system still helps a little.

I was thinking about something this morning and wanted to ask you if you were okay but abstained.

Now that I know, I hope things aren’t too rough and that you’ll be more than just alright or okay.  That’s not enough, you deserve so much more.

I will be thinking about you.

The most dangerous things are the ones that don’t trigger alarms.  The one intuition doesn’t notice and fails to whisper cautions about.  The most dangerous is inviting, warm, and charming… feels safe, familiar, comforting, and is gorgeous.  The most dangerous can get the closest, integrate, destroy, and can even make themselves missed.  The most dangerous has the strongest venom, and  I wish it was strong enough to kill. It would be merciful to die, than to lie paralyzed from hallucinations, of a reality that never existed.

Glanced over at my calendar and forgot I wrote this a few weeks ago.

You said to let you know if I wanted to talk.

I guess I don’t know how to let you know.  I thought hi was enough to start.

Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva was moving in the deep course of wisdom which

has gone beyond. He looked down from on high and saw but five skandhas*

which, in their own being, were empty. Here, O Sariputra, Form is

Emptiness, Emptiness is Form; Form does not differ from Emptiness,

Emptiness does not differ from Form; whatever is Empty, that is Form,

whatever is Form that is Empty. The same is true of feelings, perceptions,

impulses and consciousness. O Sariputra all dharmas are marked with

Emptiness, they have no beginning and no end, they are neither imperfect nor

perfect, neither deficient nor complete. Therefore O Sariputra, in emptiness

there is no form, no feeling, no perception, no name, no concepts, no

knowledge. No eye, no ear, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind; no

forms, sounds, smells, tastes, touchables or object of the mind, no sight

organ, no hearing organ and so forth to no mind consciousness element; no

ignorance or extinction of ignorance, no decay and death, no extinction of

decay and death. There is no suffering, no origination, no stopping, no path,

no cognition, no attainment, nor anything to attain. There is nothing to

accomplish and so Bodhisattvas can rely on the Perfection of Wisdom

without trouble. Being without trouble they are not afraid, having overcome

anything upsetting they attain Nirvana.

All Buddhas who appear in the three periods, fully Awake to the utmost

right and perfect enlightenment because they have relied on the Perfection

of Wisdom. Therefore, one should know the Perfection of Wisdom is the great mantra, is the unequaled mantra, the destroyer of suffering.

Gate, Gate, Paragate, Para Sam gate Bodhi svaha

Gate, Gate, Paragate, Para Sam gate Bodhi svaha

Gate, Gate, Paragate, Para Sam gate Bodhisvaha.

Bodhi Svaha

English:

Gone, Gone, Gone beyond Gone utterly beyond

Gone, Gone, Gone beyond Gone utterly beyond

Gone, Gone, Gone beyond Gone utterly beyond

Oh what an Awakening

*The five skandas are the five components of any individual: body, perceptions, feelings, mental formations and consciousness.)

Gate means gone. Gone from suffering to the liberation of suffering. Gone from forgetfulness to mindfulness. Gone from duality into non-duality.

Gate gate means gone, gone.

Paragate means gone all the way to the other shore. So this mantra is said in a very strong way. Gone, gone, gone all the way over.

In Parasamgate sam means everyone, the sangha, the entire community of beings. Everyone gone over to the other shore.

Bodhi is the light inside, enlightenment, or awakening. You see it and the vision of reality liberates you.

And svaha is a cry of joy or excitement, like “Welcome!” or “Hallelujah!” “Gone, gone, gone all the way over, everyone gone to the other shore, enlightenment, svaha !”

No Coming No Going

No coming, no going

No after, no before

I hold you close to me,

I release you to be so free

Because I am in you, and you are in me

Because I am in you, and you are in me.

Lately topics surrounding bucket lists have been coming up, and with you mentioning evaluating early retirement, it made me ask myself what I would want to do if I were retired, or had more time to do anything. I kind of gave up on the idea of retiring a long time ago, and now it seems waaaaaaay more obtainable than it did even a couple years ago. I remembered all the dream goals I had… like when people say “my dream is to be this” or “to do this” but it never fit into a neat package with a one sentence answer. So, I guess I have a list of things I’d like to try and accomplish in my lifetime:

– Drive the entire PanAm freeway.  I know there’s a gap at Panama, and it’s dangerous.  Idk if I’d ever get this opportunity anyway, but it’s only doable under the condition I learn Spanish.
– Obtain a pilots license.
– Learn to weld.
– Learn to drive a car with a manual transmission. You know, in case zombies.
– Learn ASL.
– Get fluent in Korean… probably live in Korea for a while.
– Get a tattoo in SK.
– Visit a Korean traditional village. Get custom hanbok. Attend tea ceremony.
– Go on an Alaskan cruise.
– See the aurora borealis.
– Take the train from one end of the US to the other.
– See NOLA.
– Visit Iceland.
– Smoke in a coffeeshop in Amsterdam.
– Visit Cuba.
– See Viscacha in Chile.
– Take the Trans-Siberian Railway.
– Visit Mongolia and stay in a yurt.
– Become happily partnered and in love. Combine lists.
– Drink absinthe in Paris.
– Sail around the Mediterranean Sea.
– See Green Gables farm in Prince Edward Island.
– Visit Arcosanti. Acquire bell.
– Go to Space Camp.
– Visit CERN.
– Attend Wave Gotik Treffen.
– See Utada Hikaru.
– Reserve time to use a telescope at an observatory. Come up with viable research project and justification if necessary.
– See all 7 continents.
– Visit Chernobyl.
– Visit Adamstown in the Pitcairn Islands.
– This can kind of tie into some of the others, but my main one is to see every UNESCO World Heritage Site. That list by itself feels impossible, but I want to get through as much of it as possible.
– If getting married, have dress designed by Rima Tadmory.

It’s 12:47am.  The insomnias been worse lately, and my mind always drifts to you when it wanders.  I mean, you’re always in my heart, and I still see you more in dreams than I do irl, but it seems like it’s been extra hard this last week, especially the last two nights. I don’t know why. I’m coming up on one year here and you haven’t visited. I know it’s a lack of time, but it still makes me sad.  I’m not sure how long I’ll remain here, it’s currently up in the air.  I’m sad you don’t write to me anymore, I don’t have a digital space to go to when I’m like this. It’s probably unhealthy, but I can’t care about that right this second. I wish you were here. I wish you were here so much.

I’d really been wanting ice cream the last couple days and had t had a chance to grab any.  Lately… okay the last few months, I’ve been getting this weird daunting feeling sometimes when I want to go out and do something… like grab ice cream. Like if I go out I’ll get hurt, it’s the similar feeling I get when I remember the end of 2012. Colder weather and the sun going down earlier doesn’t help. I know it goes down super early here during the winter. Anyway, it took me a couple hours to build myself up to go out, and I did, and it became a disaster. I already knew I was cutting it too close to closest time but decided to give it a shot and went to my nearest light rail station.  Usually if there’s a bus before the light rail, I’ll take it cause it always stops at the next station, and I was in a hurry.  Tonight I learned that only works going south. This time I was northbound and the bus skipped the next station, got on the freeway, and I discovered I was on an express bus to another town. So I got off at the transit center and tried to figure out what to do next, I was sitting at a stop, alone, in the dark, which was the last thing I needed with fb mental state I’ve been in. I posted online so people would be aware, then decided to uber to another ice cream shop a friend recommended (that was still open) and wifey offered to meet me there. So we met there and I got her ice cream, and then she got me home safely, which I am grateful for. I am so upset that I even get like this and that I alters my behavior, makes me deviate from what I’d rather do, or make me rush into something after having trouble leaving my apartment. I know this was self inflicted pain, but I didn’t want to just stay in and miss out on what I wanted. I’m so frustrated.

Insomnias been especially bad the last two nights. It’s the loneliness, which you’d think would allow me to sleep more instead of struggle to pass out at a decent hour. How aggravating.

Tequila, love, warmth, Vegas, playground, smiles, parks, post-it notes, origami, chocolate, Deadpool, Town Square, chai, leaving lipstick on you, Mandalay Bay, Fleur, Absinthe, Skyfall, Four Seasons, MGM, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Hyatt, SLC, walks at night, random conversations, random martini bar, blankets, cuddles, laughter, Black Mirror, penguins, staying in, Green Valley Ranch, promises, Christmas parties, shenanigans, SF, Japanese gardens, macarons, trains, coffee, cute towns, San Mateo, bunnies, Goldspike, karaoke, Selina Gomez, ipods, Utada, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Misato and Kaji, Buffy, Arizona, sunsets, Tucson, Sanctuary, Michelle Branch, Jerome, The Spirit Room, Sedona, Poe, Portishead, Bjork, Flight Facilities, Crave You, The Birthday Massacre, tacos, La Comida, Fremont, Mt. Charleston, snow, snow cream, drives, trees, Joshua trees, switchbacks, red rocks, holding hands, day trips, embraces, pho, meeting mom, hugs, Golden Gate Bridge, Pokémon Go, ocean, Santa Monica Beach, Korean friendship bell, takoyaki, Chinatown, random texts, glomps, being on the same frequency, comfort, support, affection, vulnerability, the pretend angel and the pretend evil, visits, airports, Starbucks, strategic layovers, “when you are not watching I prepare myself for you, because this could be good,” Vancouver, puffy paper stars, June 17th, green tea, origami hearts, love knots and lovers knots that look like bows, flowers, dreams, eternally, wishes, hidden messages, love notes, <3’s in texts, <3’s in general, desks, under desks during outages, how you look at me in corsets, reasons to stay in bed, sleeping in, Johan achim, sneaky coffee runs, waffles, brunch, sneaky pictures, cupcakes, bubble baths, plans, the future, “I give you my heart, hold on let me sign it,” honestly, Forevermore, Victoria, saranghayo, sukiyo, and my favorite… getting to tell you that I love you in person, before I fall asleep, and when I wake up.

Went to Jimmy Eat World and Incubus this evening with wifey. It was a great show and a nice little drive out of the city. Saw Ivardensphere and VNV Nation last week… Echo & The Bunnymen and Violent Femmes right after Vegas.. Counting Crows and Matchbox Twenty in Vegas, Michelle Branch before that, The Birthday Massacre… Bush, DSTR (Daniel Myer), and Velvet Acid Christ, and earlier this year was Orgy and Powerman 5000. Some of these shows were super random and last minute, some were planned months ahead. I had no idea I’d see all this at the start of the year.

And a bunch of others are coming to Seattle too, Voltaire and Bella Morte, Lords of Acid, My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult, Front Line Assembly and Cubanate, God Module, Lights of Euphoria, Zola Jesus, Poppy (lol), Chelsea Wolfe, Ministry and Death Grips… and that only goes till the end of November. So Glick is a pretty good site to keep up with shows that are coming to town (and I just found it). I doubt I’ll see most of this, and only have a ticket to one of them, but more happens here than I realized. I kind of wish I’d put more effort into Depeche Mode and Lady Gaga this year but wasn’t feeling big arena shows, and the price tags were insane this round. *shrugs*

I’d rather focus more energy on travel than shows but I’m kind of grounded with my pto getting depleated, so I guess I’ll enjoy things locally while I wait, and I’m taking a train to Portland for the weekend next month so that’ll be fun.

Now that I’ve rambled the trivial things out of my mind… I’m still processing things. I am sad. I am so sad about how painfully touch deprived I am and how much that impacts me, and how I haven’t even tried to seriously date anyone, but trying to establish a fwb type thing has always still been a disaster. I mean, I don’t want to keep you, I just want to do things and call it good. And people are so selfish and stupid. And I thought someone had their shit together enough to try something and got burned because they were ignorant. I’m so so sad. For my health. For whatever the future is going to look like. I don’t want to be touch dependent like a normal human. I don’t want to be so deprived, and I don’t want to settle for anything. I want to be self sustainable so bad, and I’ve tried to front that for so long and it’s tearing me down.

What a way to start the 2017 season! Ran into friends and was gifted a wristband into a party > tequila > networking >more tequila > cigars being rolled on site so I smoke a cigar while tequila drunk… and the rest is history. I have a badge for tomorrow. *achievement unlocked* Oh Mandalay, nothing that goes down there will ever surprise me.

I sobered up and went home, and while driving out Final Distance plays, followed by The Heart Wants What It Wants. Sounds about right.

This is our playground, and I’ve always played a lot on this particular week. I can’t believe we haven’t been to a con here together yet. It is my goal for us to end up at one of these together. It’s also coincidentally been a goal / running joke to get laid at one of these, and the two efforts do seem to line up nicely. Just sayin.