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5:54AM

I don’t think he has a shred of darkness within him.

I don’t know if he’s ever dealt with it in his own history, or if he’d recognize it in me… or anyone, and that scares me.

4:58AM

I can’t believe I’m still awake.

Well… Book of Mormon was good. Then ate at some great French place, and came home and watched a movie. I’m so tired, why is it so hard to fall asleep.

Random disclosure

I feel like I’ve been restraining some kind of reckless streak that’s been trying to claw out of me lately. It’s been unbelievably exhausting to hold back and I don’t want to anymore, I don’t remember it ever being this bad before. I feel awful physically, it’s like craving sugar really really bad because you’ve been depriving yourself. It’s my whole body, it’s all misfiring. It’s consuming me. I can’t remember the lasting time I felt so deprived, or the last time I could breathe more than shallow breaths.

I’ve managed, somehow, celibacy for a year in Vegas. And I’ve managed months here. All of a sudden there’s this pit in my stomach and that inner ear itch you can’t reach but it’s all over your body just under the skin. It’s making me uncomfortable in my own body, it’s insane.

Echos

Today I was told that I had a pretty smile, that I was cute and sexy, that we usually see each other bundled up against the cold weather, and now that I wasn’t under so many layers, that I was curvy, and incredibly beautiful, and have a nice butt (lol @ that). He said he liked it when I held onto his arm when we walked through crowds, and that doing something to make a little smile appear across my face made him really happy. One of the last things he said today was how much he enjoyed spending time with me, how he’s always excited when he’s on his way to see me, and that no matter how things worked out, even if we only remained friends in the end, he wanted me to always be in his life somehow. He thinks I’m amazing… I lost count how many times he said it.

This is a completely new and different person in my life. But I know these words from someone else. All of them. These men are absolutely nothing alike, they’re night and day. And the words are the same. I want to be happy, I’m glad and a little relieved he feels this way about me. But now Idk why I’m a little nervous.. and I’ve already started investing… I don’t know what to make of this.

Corsets and black lipstick

So sleepy, went out for once last night and dressed up for it. Even though I don’t know many people, and the ones I do know are mostly acquaintances, it was nice to be out. I really missed getting all goth’d out for a thing.

It’s so hard to have a social life here. I wish the community was more warm and open like it is in Phoenix.

Conviction

It’s really surreal discovering some guy you had a brief crush on in high school, then changed your mind when he started to take interest in you, was convicted of first degree murder with a couple other people in a drug robbery.

I knew him when I was 15, and he was this tall, introverted, and courteous guy. I mean, I have no idea what circumstances were thrown his way in life that brought him to do this. But it must have been awful, and I feel bad for him. We really never know how people will turn out when they grow up.

Self censored

I’ve been holding back.  I knew there were some things I’d elected to (emotionally), some things by request, and now I’m noticing some things that have been conditioned that make me really uncomfortable.  I’ve held back on asking basic questions anyone would be comfortable asking someone if they cared for them.  This wasn’t implicitly requested of me, but it feels like it was conditioned.  I have to process this and decide what to do with it.

People talk about their greatest fears in life and a common one is to be lonely forever, or letting their loved ones down, being incapacitated, etc, all would be awful.  But outside of the lonely bit, I’ve learned over the last few years, yeah… years now, the worst feeling for me is being separated from someone I love, from the person I believed I should be with… building a life with, and feeling secure with.   Looking back I don’t think I was aggressive enough, and it took me too long to learn how you handled being in my shoes.  Would I have gotten the same results had I approached things like you?  It’s even worse when that circumstance is somewhat chosen.  This is my own personal hell.  Repeated over and over again.  It’s that redundancy that makes hell in Lucifer a perfect analogy and depiction.  Maybe this is hell? There’s supposedly a way out.  Can I find it?

That

The new Ready Player One movie looks amazing! Some of the scenes look just like I imagined in the book.  And that cover of Depeche Mode was sooo gooooooooood.

So there’s that.

Confusion

I knew this could happen when I moved here, but the loneliness has been pretty hard the last week.  I was lonely downtown, and same for the other cities I was in.  I saw people more often in the other ones, this city is just set up poorly for people to get around and spend time together. So what’s the difference moving north? At least I get peace at night, and a lot do the issues I had at the apartment, I don’t have here.  That part is nice.

Lately there’s been this weird back and forth with everything, especially work, where I stress about a thing and then a couple days later it seems like it’s under control for a few days and then flips again. I need things to be consistent.

Dim sum, video games, & concerts

This weekend was incredibly busy.  I had an appointment in the morning that I originally thought was in the afternoon, but it opened up my day to check out this cute pop up market in Chinatown and I invited Liam out.  We met at the Chinatown station and ran around the market for a bit.  I picked up a few prints from some of the artists and then he took me to a dim sum place he knew a few blocks away, its the best dim sum I’ve had since I moved here.  Then we went to a store with a bunch of anime stuff and figures that could be painted, then to a game store that had an NES set up with Mario 3 so we played a few rounds in the first world. I wanted to buy everything there.  I got an email a package was delivered to my old address so we took the train there and after picking it up did a couple raids in Pokemon Go.  We ended up getting coffee and talking for a couple hours, then dinner in SLU and then went to Adelita’s Way at El Corazon on a whim.  I had that show on my calendar as a reminder but forgot they were playing this weekend.  All of the opening acts were great too, and Adelita’s Way is great live.  We went back to the park after but the buses already stopped for the night so we grabbed Uber’s and went home.  I was so wiped out and never intended to be out so late, but it was worth it and I’m glad we made it to the show.

I meant to get more unpacking and other work done today but shattered my phone screen (for the first time ever) and that kind of ruined my day.  My phone just hit two years, and I was on the fence to upgrade because I didn’t want to deal with it even though my phone was acting buggy. Ended up at the store and upgraded devices, at least it wasn’t much of a transition, but the set up is still time consuming and annoying. I’m so tired, why am I still awake?

12:55AM

Went to bed at 3:00AM packing, woke up at 7:30AM this morning to resume. Had a 16 hour day before stopping, and that was over an hour ago.  I’m tired, and ache, but still have some insomnia going.  I’m not done yet, but this is my first night at the new place.  No chirping from intersections downstairs saying it’s safe to cross, no dog barking, weights clanking, or people screaming outside… at least not at the moment (and hopefully it stays that way).  My new neighbor to the left has been blasting their music and the bass really comes through downstairs, but they’ve been  stopping around the time I want to attempt going to bed, so so far this isn’t a bad trade. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

2:34AM

I can hear some guy yelling outside on the ground floor, and the chirping in the intersection indicating it’s safe to cross the street.  It’s chaotic downstairs… the yellings getting worse while I’m typing on here.

Its late, I should be asleep so I can keep packing tomorrow. *sigh*