Category Archives: Uncategorized

This was pretty flattering.  Picked up a friend to hang out while I caught up on work stuffs before work tomorrow (which is stupid this is even happening) and we decided to stop by Five Guys for food.  I wasn’t that hungry but decided to run with it, and when we were walking in I apparently grabbed the wrong door since it was locked, and then grabbed the right one.  When we walked in the entire team was standing behind the counter and one guy yells out “OMG I love your hair!” and another chick was all “I was gonna say that too!” and my friend orders, we all start chatting and everyone’s super nice.  They ask if I want anything and I mention I”m alright, he finishes his order.  The cute red head was all… well what about a milkshake? And I mentioned I was fond of milkshakes, so they started naming off options and I said I usually go for strawberry.  We chat a bit more and I decide to go for it even though I’ve been cutting down on sugar lately.  She tells me to hang on so she can apply a discount, and then says it’s on the house.  They gifted me a strawberry milkshake, and were super nice, and liked my hair.  The best part was Cake’s Love You Madly started playing right before we walked out.  They were so nice and friendly. Day. Made.

Today I saw this tall, I’m guessing nonbinary, person walk by and they had this beautiful long yellow to red ombre going and it was like fire, but it was done nicely and not tacky so I told them their hair was gorgeous and they seemed thrown off for a sec, then said my hair was too and it threw me off and we kept walking ahaha

I can’t remember what you feel like.  I can’t remember how you smell, or remember the sound of your heartbeat.  Fuck, I can’t even remember your voice anymore. All I do remember is perpetual sadness and disappointment.  It’s like my brain finally decided to drop things from my memory.  The realization is weird, but its better this way.

This is just residue.

I need to make changes. Big changes. I don’t like feeling this way, or living this way, and I can’t blame my environment anymore.

I got the car I wanted.  I dropped the people who wouldn’t invest in me, and made some small strides focusing on friends who would plan with me.  Work is still taking up too much bandwidth, after half a year I haven’t been able to make the moves I’ve wanted internally.  It’s time to stop being reluctant and look externally.  I know it’s the fear of not knowing how things will fall in place, but staying still is worse.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember.  Fixing this will get some of the bandwidth back, and I can focus on changing other things that’ll make me happy too.

I remember you mentioning something about things going to hell when Utada Hikaru releases new stuff, or when there’s new NGE, or maybe both since there’s a strong correlation there… and then saying *my* birthday weeks been hard on you since before you’ve known me. Many people share this week with me. Well, “on April 17, 2018, a new single by Utada, “Hatsukoi” was unveiled in the drama Hana Nochi Hare ~Hanadan Next Season~ as an image song. It’s the second song Utada delivers to the Hana Yori Dango drama series, after “Flavor of Life” in 2007. The single will be released on May 30. In the next day, a single was announced to released earlier on April 25 called “Play a Love Song”, the theme song for Suntory Water SWITCH&SPARKLE.”

There it is. She announced music on my birthday, and then days after I actually celebrated, successfully killing both. No wonder you couldn’t be bothered after apologizing for the first one. You couldn’t even try again a few days later. I guess you’re off the hook from even trying to put out effort verbally, right? *sarcasm*

This has been the hardest birthday month in years for many many stressful reasons. Car accidents, infections in the ER, months of work stress, relationships falling apart, all sorts of uncertainty. Hopefully it means something good is coming soon.

I’m just glad I survived to this point.

…

I’ve walked away from a few relationships that meant a lot to me in the last couple months. One that never really saw the light of day, one that lasted for half my life at this point, and one that I never thought I’d walk from no matter how much I know I should have, or had tried and failed previously. None of these are the outcomes I desired. I am so shitty at walking from people, I always give chances when I get verbal affirmations or excuses, even when the actions don’t line up. I can’t hold a grudge. I don’t hate. I can’t marginalize how much this negatively impacts me to try and keep something afloat on my own. I’m just sad, and this only adds to my loneliness. But it doesn’t. It’s the first step to letting go and finding contentment. I’ve had practice lately. I can move forward. No bad blood. No hard feelings. No more one sided relationships or holding space for those who cannot reciprocate. No more being let down or disappointment. No more letting others hurt me over and over again. This is what 30 looks like.

“Grief is love with nowhere to go, and today, my love for you is lost and angry and crazy and sad.”

Sometimes it’s hard to practice leaving a relationship or friendship when it no longer serves both parties. There’s no hard feelings, there’s just no space in their lives for you anymore. It’s nothing personal… maybe that’s part of the problem? I tried for two years to be patient and flexible. We live in the same metropolitan area. That’s not a functional friendship. I’m not here to guilt anyone into being my friend, or be an obligation or burden in their life. I hope they don’t feel slighted I walked away, but Idk why they’d care now anyway.

I know I had shit timing with the dam breaking and feel bad about it. This never should have culminated to this point. I also know everything I said was still true and the result would have been the same whether I inquired two months ago or six months from now. I hope they won’t be mad at me, and will at least become indifferent, if not relieved. I can uninvest and be at peace. They don’t have to feel guilt or be confronted with someone asking them to meet half way. We can both live our lives in peace. No bad blood. I know we’re both good people who just ran our course a long time ago.

I can’t remember what you smell like. Which is weird, and strangely sad. I have a memory of it being absolutely intoxicating, all consuming, and completely distracting me from my undoing. But maybe that’s the amount of time it takes for the brain to forget that, and that’s why everyone says things get easier to manage with time, even if you are forever changed.

I am a lonely woman. But I’d rather be lonely than in a bad relationship.

“Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men.”

I need to clarify some things. You handled things shittily. We were able to discuss our stop go patterns with our weekends. We were able to come to conclusions and troubleshoot them, AFTER you said you can’t do this anymore. And this should have been discussed a while ago instead of letting it drag on. You never even gave me, or us, the chance to mitigate these things before scrapping the whole thing.

I tried to facilitate communication, seeing each other, and being flexible. You wouldn’t reciprocate any of it and took advantage of my flexibility. I always said we could adjust as needed. You can sort your personal life out without fucking someone else up. Nothing has to be static, but it doesn’t give you a free pass to change how you interact with someone by the hour. Instead, you were reckless with my feelings.

And I tried to front being okay last night. I was adjusting to this information on the spot instead of just calling plans off, all because it’s been your avoidance that’s been problematic. I couldn’t even discuss these things in person with you. I still don’t get that. I deserve that much. I deserve much better. I know you wouldn’t drive over here and have this conversation in person because it’s too uncomfortable for you. Stop blaming me and making excuses. Using excuses like I’m hot, or being swept up in things and enjoying my company when we meet in person is a bullshit excuse for not owning up and discussing things in person. That’s not an excuse to treat me the way you did. Don’t unload your responsibility on me and make your shortcomings out to be my fault.

I literally told you to go slut it up and get experience, make mistakes, be honest, keep it simple, and have fun. There’s literally no pressure on my side, you build everything up in your own head. We’re both slow to anger, you cannot use fear of me being angry as an excuse. And even if those fears were right, it doesn’t give you a free pass from doing the right thing. You’re spineless. You jerked me around and used me as a crutch. Continually calling me great and saying how much you enjoy spending time with me to justify this behavior is manipulation.

Had you of been up front with not feeling it, that would have been much better for everyone. We wouldn’t be here today. Instead of transitioning in one direction or the other, you’ve been continually on or off. That’s not TBD. That’s not letting things happen and seeing where it goes. You shouldn’t have gone anywhere near romantic gestures if you couldn’t follow through. You never should have suggested some belated Valentines thing out of some warped societal expectation, or some internal selfish wanting. And you still find it okay to cuddle, and then grope my breast like everything is fine. You still get that contact and comfort while disregarding how I feel and not taking responsibility for your actions. I am not to be picked up, and then dropped on a whim. In fact, no one is. This really hurts. I opened myself up and that’s difficult. Why would I ever want to remain in contact with someone who put me through this and can’t even acknowledge it or fix their behavior? You broke trust. How do you build a friendship on that? You have a lot of ground to cover in therapy before you might start resembling something other than a self serving selfish fuck. I hope you figure that out before you meet the next person. Do better next time. You are awful. You’re the worst.

“You don’t need this shit.”

No I don’t, the only reason why I didn’t ghost you is because even I have enough respect for you not to. This is a teaching moment. You can learn from this and become a better person. But you burned this bridge and I’m done knowing you.”

There were a few things I forgot to mention when I sent this out.  The fact that I didn’t push the Valentines thing.  I didn’t push for him to stay over, but he insisted.  So he feels like it’s too much when he’s insisting on staying longer?  He feels like it’s too much when he talks about us visiting his family back home, or some random comments about kids in passing.  But it’s too much?  It’s like I was so relaxed he had to fill the quiet with all these things, and then forgot he was the one doing it.  What is with people.

Whether he intended to or not, he hurt me.

Manslaughter isn’t intentional like murder, but someone still dies. It’s the emotional equivalent for the person who hurts.

Ran into something unexpected this afternoon. I’ve never been shy about the assaults I’ve experienced in my past, how I’ve struggled, or how I went to therapy and reached out to PD last year. I thought even though it wasn’t perfect, and these events changed me, that I was successfully not letting damage from my past dictate my present and future. I’ve always considered myself to be open and transparent, compassionate, progressive, and fluid. This has always been true to an extent.

What I didn’t realize until now was, I still had some walls up I wasn’t aware of. It’s still difficult to articulate these ideas. Today, I felt some sense of peace and comfort I hadn’t experienced since I was a teenager. After David, in the past, when I felt this way it was before an attack happened. This trained my brain to equate the calmness to potential danger. Being that safe may have triggered some ptsd.

And after the damage others inflicted on me, I felt that feeling wasn’t feasible. I felt it was a lie, or would always be a trap. Something unobtainable. I forgot what that felt like. I didn’t even recognize it enough to miss it. And then I felt it today and it was scary. I didn’t cry because I was sad or upset. It overwhelmed me, and my walls were down. I was defenseless, and I realized it was okay in that moment. I haven’t been as holistic about it all as I’d previously thought, and it took almost 15 years to feel this way again. But it seems like it’s a milestone worth mentioning.

It’s also made me look back at how I handle my sexuality. I’ve suspected a few things over the years. I know after these events some people completely shut down and can’t handle any intimacy without it being a triggering event, and some go into the other extreme. I never thought I was extreme in anything I’ve done, but there may have been more than just a progressive outlook. History and chronic pain make me pretty sure I’m not too far off from being a sex addict, chasing endorphins and intimicy. I’ve had so many dynamics.. but still can’t stand bad sex, emotionless sex.. I’ve learned I need to like someone enough to be friends before I can get any joy. And I’ve made some poor decisions along the way, I’m sure many people have. But

I can see some parallels with my history and the hookup culture I loathe. Compatibility and sexual chemistry are necessary and would be real breakers if they were missing. It was like going after gratification with the intent on seeing if there was something worth investing in after. I don’t want to believe I’m superficial. I don’t believe people are disposable, but I also thought things would either mesh or won’t. I’m passionate, uninhibited, and authentic to myself. I don’t think any of that was compromised but I didn’t realize I might have been forcing things on my own timeline to retain a sense of control. I pull the trigger on intimacy first, and decide where I want it to go after, if at all. The first time I fell in love with someone before they ever touched me… was hard, special, and I started to see it. But there were so many other problems going on to really acknowledge it. And I think the order it went in was circumstantial. But the ordering made it feel more real, more legitimate.

Today, I’m dealing with someone whose had many invites and opportunities to touch me, and who has chosen to abstain, choosing to be cautious for the sake of making sure I don’t end up just being a rebound. This is someone who is trying to match me in transparency when it doesn’t come naturally for them. And I’m trying to match their pace which is very different from my own. This is someone who respects me, and genuinely cares about me but doesn’t want either of us to get hurt. This is out of order for me, and I’m not in control of the timeline like I had been with others. They’re not hiding anything, they don’t have outside obligations keeping them from me, and we spend time together. It’s a strange vulnerability for me. I don’t know what this is. I was afraid they didn’t have any darkness and wouldn’t recognize it in me. This could be them helping me see where I’ve been before the damage, so that I can pull myself out of what I’ve been buried under for a long time.

I’m so very emotionally exhausted.

Today’s been weird. Went to dinner in Scottsdale and caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen in years, that’s not the weird part. Insert goths in Scottsdale joke here.

1. Saw a drug deal exchange from my rear view mirror while talking to my friend in my car while dropping her off back at her car. We’d gone to gelato down the street after sushi. And PD had rolled through the lot probably 15 minutes earlier and missed them by came back before we left. Lol

2. Wanted to go to tortilla flats but was too wiped out. We hung out longer than I expected but it was still nice. That parts not weird either. Went to QT to grab drinks and saw three Uber driverless test cars at the gas pumps. This part of Scottsdale wasn’t too far from that other driverless car company. I wonder what it is about Scottsdale that attracts this? Is it because the valley is mostly a grid? Is it the weather? Law? Taxes? Idk.

That was about it. I was too tired to enjoy the drive I wanted to do so I decided to head home for the night, but did stop by my old neighborhood where I grew up since it had been yeeeears. It’s so still, like time hasn’t really moved but so many people who were there have moved or passed away. It’s weird.

I’m so tired.

I don’t have the energy to write out why it’s like this right now.. but my last meal was at 5pm, the one before that was at 2am yesterday. I’m going to die.

I haven’t stayed out this late in a long time and it hurts, but friends were riding back with me and I didn’t know where my friends house was at that I’m staying at so *shrugs*

Rezz was legit, even though I don’t really care for these kinds of shows, the music and company was nice. The lights were too bright for me, or my eyes are getting more sensitive. I’m glaring so gonna try to sleep in… but I don’t want to sound so negative. Vegas was surreal, and I found some remnants from some old depressions there. Phoenix was a smooth transition even if it was a bit rocky at the airport. I got the rental, had dinner in Guadeloupe with a friend, went back and watch an episode of an anime, then went to the venue for the show. It really hit me that I was here when I was getting off the freeway and saw downtown Phoenix. It was this mix of familiar and foreign. I have so much good and such bad here. All of my major traumas happened here. But I’m doing better emotionally here than a Vegas. I guess it’s because most of my life was written here.

My old fwb in Scottsdale messaged me today when I was at the show and was fighting with his fiancé. I told him I couldn’t discuss it with him because it wasn’t inappropriate. I said I was irked when he came to Vegas and didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend until we were sitting next to each other in a strip club with his friend’s bachelor party. And then I got over it. I also told him I’ve wondered if I had myself sorted out back in 2012 if we’d have dated for real and maybe we’d be engaged instead… and he says he wasn’t sorted then either like that makes it better. He still calls me pretty and says he respects me and showers me with complements and I’m over him romantically but I don’t need to put myself in a situation where I’m fighting temptation and my own nature. I said I had to step back for a while. He said we didn’t do anything wrong in our friendship. I repeated I needed to step back and left it at that.

I’m so tired.

I’m an emotional mess.

Songs that had to be skipped over and/or has been on repeat at some point. It almost feels like a timeline.

I can’t listen to most of my music right now…

Sister Machine Gun – Burn
Massive Attack – Black Milk
IAMX – Your Joy Is My Low
Placebo – Pure Morning
Tove Lo – Talking Body
Offspring – I want You Bad
Iris – Lose In Wanting
Selena Gomez – Love You Like a Love Song
Michelle Branch – I’d Rather Be In Love
Utada Hikaru – Be My Last
BoA – Song With No Name
Assemblage 23 – Impermanence
Björk – Possibly Maybe
Kimbra- Settle Down
Flight Facilities – Crave You
Bitter:Sweet – Drink You Sober
Lana Del Rey – Video Games
Tove Lo – Not On Drugs
Utada Hikaru – First Love
Utada Hikaru – Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence
TBM – Kill The Lights
BoA – Only One
All of Utada Hikaru
All of Michelle Branch
Laurel – Fire Breather
Fall Out Boy’s cover of Love Will Tear Us Apart
Michelle Branch – Something To Sleep To
Kimbra – Plain Gold Ring
Florence and The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
BoA – Shattered
Lana Del Rey – Dark Paradise
All of Lana Del Rey
Kanga – Something Dangerous
Selena Gomez – The Heart Wants What It Wants
DJ Shadow – Midnight In A Perfect World
Depeche Mode – Precious
Iris – Sorrow Expert
Michelle Branch – All You Wanted
Muse – Unintended
Depeche Mode – Heaven
Disclosure/Lorde – Magnets
IAMX – Nature of Inviting
Utada Hikaru – Crossover Interlude
Lamb – Trans Fatty Acid
IAMX – Spit It Out (Alexander Kowalski Remix)
Depeche Mode – One Caress
Kanga – Viciousness
Bjork – Pagan Poetry
Florence and The Machine – Cosmic Love
Melanie Martinez – Pity Party
Purity Ring – Begin Again
Laurel – Blue Blood
Lana Del Rey – Young And Beautiful
Lamb – All In Your Hands
Three Days Grace – Over And Over
Stabbing Westward – Waking Up Beside You
Matchbox Twenty – If You’re Gone
Jo Stafford – You Belong To Me
Keane – Somewhere Only We Know
Mackintosh Braun – Made For Us
I:Scintilla – Worth The Wait
Solar Fake – Here I Stand
Thirty Seconds To Mars – Up In The Air
Depeche Mode – It’s No Good
Junksista- Life Is Unfair (And Love Is A Bitch)
Lana Del Rey – Diet Mountain Dew
TBM – Pins & Needles
Kanga – Going Red
Kanga – Tension
Placebo – Running Up That Hill
Muse – Sing For Absolution
Solar Fake – Stay
Utada Hikaru – Final Distance
Zeraphine – Tomorrows Morning

“It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.”

I’m courting ghosts from my past

Because I’m so high

And you’re so beautiful

I don’t know if its because I’m in Vegas…

Right before falling asleep I randomly remembered that one time when I was dropping you off at the airport and you kissed me before getting out of the car, and mouthed “I love you” while smiling before closing the door. Was that from a dream or a memory?

I’m having trouble falling asleep.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

When I decided to jump and see if there was something substantial with someone, I knew this was calculated risk acceptance. I know nothing’s guaranteed, that this might not become anything, and even if it did, that it didn’t mean it would last forever. But I owed it to myself to find out, and deserved to pour myself into anything I felt worthy.

I’m coming to the conclusion already that this isn’t going to be the dynamic I’m going to pursue. I already stated my intent and the transparency has been well received, we date to evaluate whether or not we have potential as future spouses. Things fit on paper, but how we handle and perceive obstacles is completely different. It’s hard to remember the discrepancies in life experience when he’s slightly older than I am, and that’s not a bad thing in general. But I need someone who is better matched here. It’s going to be bad for me if someone isn’t able to handle something new, and possibly daunting only to them in stride… and these are scary only because it’s his first run. I’ve dealt with it all before and it doesn’t shake me. That’s experience. That’s an unfair advantage on my side. Spending a couple weeks away will be good for all involved, and when I get back I’ll be able to take another look at how these interactions have been going, and will decide if it’s doing better or if I should end it right there. I’m not wasting time anymore.

Even if this wasn’t it, this taught me I’m still capable of growth and moving forward. I don’t think I could have made it this far, or allowed myself to fully invest in a new relationship six months ago. It’s a bit of a proof of concept and I know I’m going in the right direction.