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Loving you from a distance is still difficult.

Every time I find something new or enjoy something I want to share it with you and remember I never will.

First day back from leave. Haven’t gotten out bed yet and the nausea is overwhelming despite taking meds last night. I could feel my muscles through my body tense up like it’s waiting for impact. Logically I know I’m in control here. I wish our emotions followed.

I hate how much you still mean to me.

…

I thought we were through all the anniversaries now that June’s over.  One more to go.

I simultaneously wanted to keep writing this out and keep putting it off.  The last two weeks were insane in a good way after months of stress and bs.  I went on leave and decided to spend that time in good company, recovering and enjoying my time, instead of stressing at home while waiting for some answers.  I feel like writing this out by days:

6/22: Landed in Phoenix and got lunch with a friend who picked me up from the airport.  Went to see Dita Von Teese with another girl friend after getting dinner downtown, which was absolutely amazing.    I needed to see Dita at least once and am so happy we made it.  After we ended up at the Rebel Lounge for a goth night I’d never heard of called Grave Wave and it was cool to see what the new owners did with the old Mason Jar.  I went across the street for a bit around midnight to grab a horchata and stayed for a chili relleno before going back, lol.

6/23:  We went to a place called Azukar for breakfast and they had horchata coffee! I didn’t know this was a thing.  They also had this really good vanilla chia pudding and my friend grabbed a breakfast sandwich thing.  Then we went shopping in Tempe and picked up some cute things at a vintage retro clothing store before heading to Chandler.  We met up with another friend for Mexican food later in the day then headed home to rest and nap.  We watched Donnie Darko and then Neon Demon, and it’s funny because her dog hates pretty much everyone and tolerates her sister and her boyfriend, but he ended up cuddling with me when I fell asleep on the couch and she took a photo of it for proof.  We ended up getting ready for a night called Nocturne in Scottsdale at Pub Rock Live (the old Chasers bar).  It was a fetish themed goth industrial night a few friends were spinning at, and a lot of old friends ended up attending.  My ex was there too, and it was fine since he’s smart enough not to interact with me.  Also, I was really fucking hot that night, and he didn’t age well. *shrugs*  This was a great dance night, I had lot of fun dancing and getting lots of hugs.

6/24:  Friend picked me up and I showed her the vintage clothing place that my other friend introduced me to.  I saw a turquoise cross the previous day I really wanted and decided to get it that day.  I’d been looking for one for yeeeears and hadn’t found one that I really really wanted until now, so it’s mine. 🙂   We went back to rest and I chilled with her cats.  We then checked out the new Asiana and then Mekong markets and got rolled ice cream.  Then got fili b’s for dinner when her husband got home.

6/25:  Went and picked up my rental.  They didn’t have the Mercedes CLA again and put me in a Jaguar XE… again. XD    Which is fine, I think it’s more comfortable.  I met up with a friend in Tempe for lunch at Postinos, then went home and rested.  Went to dinner with another friend at Casey Moore’s.  I was still hurting that day from getting a temp crown (replacing an old one) a week prior so I called my dentist in WA and she suggested seeing a specialist and I got a referral to go in the next day.  Also noticed I get hit on more in Phoenix than Seattle.  Seattle is so passive.

6/26: I got up early to see an endodontist in the Biltmore area.  There was a delay in cold sensitivity on that tooth and they said the nerve was almost dead and recommended a root canal.  I’ve never been afraid of the dentist or have been nervous of dental procedures before, but I’d also never had to deal with a root canal before either.  Eh, I decided to get this over with and scheduled for Thursday, and they started me on a z-pak.  Since I knew I’d be dealing with the root canal Thursday and wasn’t sure how rough the recovery was going to be, I decided to check out the San Xavier Mission that day.  I ended up grabbing goth mom and taking her with me.  It was a nice drive to get caught up and we got to see the mission right before the sun went down.  Then we went downtown to grab dinner and visited another friend in Tucson before heading home.  I was so tired after driving.

6/27:  I slept in. We got breakfast at Coronado, more horchata coffee happened.  It happened a lot on this trip, so did a lot of Mexican food.  I chilled at the house and with the cats for a while, took care of some stuff on the computer that needed to be handled.  Got ready and went to a night called Lilith in central Phoenix.  Great dance night too, but overcrowded for the size of the venue.  More friends and hugs.  A couple awkward moments but not bad.

6/28: Root canal.  This was rough, the endodontist didn’t realize how extensive the decay was until after taking out the old filling.  There was a lot of calcification from the tooth trying to save itself for years.  The original crown was bulky and didn’t lie flush so the poor tooth wasn’t protected the way it should, and now I have major trust issues with dentists and their quality of work. *sigh*  Half way through he said he wasn’t sure if the tooth was savable because he was getting close to the exterior and that freaked me out.  We stopped and took 3D x-rays.  He was able to confirm three canals, apparently there is a 50/50 chance of a back molar having 3 or 4, and luckily it wasn’t four.  That tooth was weird too, it grew in after all four wisdom teeth were pulled when I was a teenager, and it didn’t come in with enamel so it had a filling, and then got crowned in my early 20’s.  That thing was doomed.  I’m so grateful that endodontist was able to save the tooth and the x-ray showed him the extent of the decay and where to change directions.  These complications changed what was estimated to be an hour procedure into 3+.  It was hard, my jaw hurt, and they had to keep pausing to add more anesthetic cause it kept wearing off too fast.  Idk if that’s a developing resistance to the drug or if it’s just not as effective as I age due to other medical ish.  When I got home I was hungry but there was no way I could eat, I couldn’t feel half my face and decided to nap it off.  I had to call off dinner plans with a friend and recover.

6/29: I was stacking ibuprofen and acetaminophen.  Then I had this brilliant idea to call a chiropractors office I used to go to when I still lived in Phoenix and booked a massage that afternoon.  Then I checked out this Korean plaza near the old Fiesta Mall that was a huge disappointment, it looked way more interesting on the outside than it was on the inside.  Also going in with my hair up to show my piercings and tattoos, in a Killstar dress with pentagram straps in a plunging back dress was pretty entertaining.  I think most of the Koreans in there shared similar opinions to mi madre from the vibes I was getting.  It’s only incentive.  My friend got off work and I went over to her house, she made beef pozole for me since I was still in recovery.  We ate and chilled with her cats before visiting her husband at work and then grabbing food before I headed home.

6/30: I hosted brunch at Hula’s Modern Tiki.  My friend suggested dressing in theme so I packed a dress just for it and wore a flower in my hair.  This was a place I’d known about and had wanted to check out for years but it never lined up when I lived here.  Brunch was really nice, there were about 20 of us hanging out.  Most of us had to take off but a smaller group went across the street for froyo after photos.  Goth mom and I hung out for a bit before dropping her off and going home to rest.  The friend I was staying with was invited to a house/pool party/bbq thing before the two dance nights we’d planned on going to.  We went to the party and it was sooo fun, I saw so many friends I hadn’t seen in forever and met a lot of really nice people too.  Then we went home and got ready for the night.  I felt so pretty, I felt like such a proper goth.  We made an appearance at Addiction which was held at Rips (a dive bar I used to frequent for karaoke that I still adore), and then went down the street to Haxan at the Rebel Lounge where we were after Dita.  Haxan is amazing AF.  Addiction is a lot of the old school crowed (old school to me), and its similar format to what I’ve been hearing for years.  Haxan tries hard to showcase new music, a dj I like from LA came down this night, and I saw many more friends I hadn’t ran into.  This was a really nice mini reunion. Lots of dancing lots more hugs.  Went across the street for horchata at 2am and walked back to chat with the crowd outside the venue.

7/1: I woke up with my makeup still on and broke a cardinal rule.  It actually still looked kind of good too!  Went to pick up a friend and met with a couple others at an Indian buffet in Tempe.  Then we headed to The Grand for coffee on Central Ave.  That building used to be another venue next to Palazzo where Transylvania used to be held.  They’re gorgeous buildings.  The old Sanctum sign was reused at The Grand after the Sanctum club was sold and become Stacy’s.  Luckily Stacy’s is still goth friendly and hosts Lilith.  Sanctum is now a memory, and also a speakeasy inside The Grand that opens on Friday and Saturday nights. I’m sad I missed it this trip, so I’ll try for it next time.  We ended up at the  Kunzang Palyul Choling in Sedona.  I wanted to go last trip in February but we got there too late and the sun was going down.  This time we did make it during sunlight but it was too hot to stay long.  Then we went to Jerome and I showed my friend a jewelry shop I liked and we picked up a couple items, she got a birthday present for her husband since his birthday is in a few weeks.  She was super happy about it too since he’s difficult to shop for.  We stopped by Caduceus Cellars and she grabbed a bottle of wine for him, and I found this lavender milk chocolate with star anise and grabbed that.  We got dinner at Grapes a couple buildings down before taking the back way out of town and went through Prescott Valley to get back to the i-17.  We’d gone through Cottonwood to get to Jerome from Sedona, and I think the other way out with the trees and cliffs and switchbacks is way more fun and way prettier.  It was really nice to share this with someone.

7/2:  So I thought I was flying back on Tuesday even though I remembered I was leaving on 7/2… I was half right and a little bummed out but needed to be back in Seattle to take care of things.  My friend who was hosting me helped me drop off my rental and then we went to La Santisima.  This is his favorite place in town, and it was amazing.  I can’t believe I have such a long history with Phoenix and had never heard of this place before.  It was a good send off.  We went home and chilled with the cats.  I ended up napping and then packing everything.  We did happy hour at Switch before he dropped me off at the airport.  The flight back was pretty easy but it was hard to breathe when I stepped foot in SeaTac.  It felt like I was punched in the chest and I know it’s stress from current circumstances.  I’m still in control of what’s going on and I’ve already made efforts to improve things, but Seattle weighs heavy on me. Wifey picked me up from the airport and I felt a lot better when I saw her.  She took me home but was pretty tired and took off instead of staying.

The next morning was rough, I knew it was going to be lonely at home after not having to be alone for over two weeks.  But I wanted to surround myself with friends and not suffer through these transitions in my life.  I know I made the right decisions, I dropped a lot of stress, and while the situation isn’t over, I’m getting closer to the end.  I can feel it.  I made a post about how isolating Seattle is compared to Phoenix for me.  I have an amazing support structure and many friends in Phoenix, even after cleaning house years ago.  I’ve grown to love the landscape here.  I mean, I found all the good things I could when I was in Vegas, I have Vegas magic now.  Now imagine what I can do with Phoenix.  And I’ve been picking up here in my region and have found some wonderful things, but I don’t have a lot of people to share it with and that’s what I really want.  There is a small ache inside that I can’t share the things that bring me joy.  I don’t know how tomorrow is going to now that I’m coming back from leave, so I keep trying to remind myself that I’m still in control, and no matter what happens, I can handle it.  I have some prospects to follow up on and need to finish getting my house in order.

Someone messaged me online calling me “unreasonably attractive.”

That’s a new one. I can admit I’m amused.

“I’m in my house in Edmonds and am exhausted AF. Wifey picked me up from the airport and dropped me off. Seattle is painfully solitary compared to Phoenix but I am grateful for the handful of wonderful people I’ve gotten to know while living here and hope to see more of them here in the next week or so.

I wasn’t sure what/if I wanted to post anything tonight or had the energy. I know my posts have been looking more and more like survival mode over the last few months and there’s a reason, and I can’t talk about it in detail online despite really wanting to. Some of you are aware of parts of what’s going on from chatting in person. If anyone’s up for a coffee or a meal in WA I’ll be here through July. Vegas friends, I’ll see you in August.

The last week in Phoenix was magic. I saw so many friends I hadn’t seen in years, went to fun events, saw Dita Von Teese, got lots of hugs, (got a root canal), ate lots of good food, soooo much Mexican food, and was never alone for over a week. And there were so many fur babies too!!! It was the strength I needed to keep going through some hard issues. It was the reminder I needed that there are wonderful people in my life and that I am loved. I have hard decisions to make the next couple weeks+ and all I can do is try my best. I know so many of us are fighting our own uphill battles personally and professionally. Let’s try to remember to lean on each other and to seek out our communities when things get hard instead of hiding away. I encourage everyone to ping me and each other. I’ll do the same. I love you all. Good night.”

So not ready to go back to Seattle.

On the way to grab food I realized downtown Tucson has a copper hue that Phoenix doesn’t.

https://youtu.be/p5xsQBGzpF0

Still painfully relatable sometimes.

I’m kind of sad about this. A very attractive man was hitting on me and it was all fun and games until he said something very similar that was said to me a few years ago. As soon as my brain made the connection, I couldn’t continue. Am I going to be ruined forever?

And my sex drives been fighting to come back to the surface. The intermittent ups and downs have been maddening.

Welcome to the wonderful world of resistance to local anesthetic and simultaneous sensitivity to them! Dealing with dental stuff has been a nightmare lately. I never had these issues before. Use an anesthetic, heart races, insta nausea, lightheadedness and feeling like you’re about to black out. I was grateful for laying in a chair while also being terrified I’d have to jump up in case the nausea won. We used so much stuff too and it wasn’t cutting it. The dentist said she usually only sees extra nerves in these areas in natural red heads, or maybe it’s fibro related. But my natural undertone is red anyway so… thanks white side.

They rescheduled me, told me to stop taking one script, and ordered another one for me to take right before the appointment. It helped, it made the anesthetic work a little better. Then we had complications replacing a crown and it was a goddamn mess, the appointment took twice as long and we didn’t cover everything. How aggravating.

And now my teeth hurt! I never understood this, you don’t feel the work while it’s happening. And I get the anesthetic wore off, but there is no active drilling so wtf. Teeth pain is the worst. !@#$

I hate how whenever everything’s on fire I want to reach out to you for comfort. It’s been a habit, and I still make that association. Really, I want to be held tight and cuddled, this is a different need from touch deprivation. You can’t help me. It’s not really what I want anyway. Yesterday a lawyer called me a strong woman when shaking my hand. There’s admittedly some pride there but he was being kind and what’s there to be proud of from enduring suffering for over half a year? I treaded too carefully for far too long trying to maintain a relationship with an entity that threw me under the bus as soon as I escalated for help. Even the strong need to be comforted. Sometimes they probably need it more.

Bonny hit me up today on LinkedIn to ask about the company I’m low key getting ready to leave, what timing lol. I tried to be as honest and neutral as possible, explaining people don’t leave companies, they leave bad managers. And I started out with a great one but after a couple reorgs I got screwed. It happens, that’s luck. I told her if she finds the right team and a good manager it’s heaven. I also gave info on the hiring process, company culture, how teams and orgs are structured, and stressed that I’d never discourage anyone from applying there because of my experience, but would just caution them. She appreciated the information and said she’d research and let me know if she wanted a referral.

I’m looking forward to Blackhat and Defcon this year, it’s such a relief getting confirmation that at least that’s been locked down. I need more comfort in my life right now. I miss a lot of people I’ve met and gotten to know at those events, and I miss my friends there so the visit will be a nice decompression. The stress lately has been making me very sick, way more sick than I want to admit. I have too much pride, but I know I stress really bad in transitions I didn’t pick, or when my hand is forced and will stress until it’s finalized and I land on a decision. This is a million times worse than any other corporate bs I’ve ever been through, but I feel better equipped to handle it compared to previous issues. The world doesn’t feel like it’s ending like it used to. I was not graceful at all in previous crises… not that I’m saying I’ve figured out how to be graceful now, but looking at how I’ve handled things previously is embarrassing. (I did fracture two molars from stress this time around though so that’s shitty). It’s weird. Does 30 make that much of a difference? Or is that just experience and knowing it’s not worth panic? At least it’s almost over.

I can’t wait to grab my swimsuit and chill at the pool at Mandalay.

I’ve been holding back from writing about this one for a while.  Probably because it was still playing out, and I usually update this from my phone instead of at the computer.  Apparently 2018 has become a bit of an unintentional mini purge.  I didn’t expect another one to happen in my life after what happened in 2012/2013.  But this ones been smaller, slower, and targeted which I guess is okay? It’s okay.  Really, once someone earns the opportunity to be blocked and I drop them,  I feel so much better after a good nights sleep.  I don’t have to wonder, I’m not stuck in this lonely purgatory trying to find answers.  This is sufficient closure.  This opens me up to filling my time with people who want to be in my life and aren’t storing their knives in my back.

A couple months ago I walked away from a friendship that had been one sided for many years.  I don’t care that I was called cruel and rude,  what she put me through was cruel.  Consider us even.  Then a “friend” from out of country betrayed my trust, and the trust of a mutual friend.  How aggravating.  That was an easy block.

And then there’s the guy who has problems with ambiguity.  I know we’re both good people., and thought we’d still remain friends despite what happened.  I mean, he owned up, but that was that.  Running into him at the last show I went to was entertaining, but that’s pretty much all the contact we’ll ever maintain, if that even occurs again.

This is going to be about B.  Oh B… you misguided and judgmental fuck.  You pathological lying piece of shit.  Calling yourself a “White Knight,”  the first time I heard someone mention you referencing yourself that way was a few days ago.  Oh please, you can’t even save yourself, and you’re a user.   I don’t even know how you managed to convince yourself you were a knight and paraded as a feminist when you’re a lying sack of shit.  This whole thing started way  before I knew you, and you’ll keep doing this long after today.  You are a lost cause, I don’t care if one of my friends thinks you might put the work in to fix yourself, I know you won’t.  It’s never your fault right?  Or it’s your depression an anxiety.  That’s not a free pass to screw people over.  I can’t believe what you did to Sarah especially.  You already hurt her once, and then she accepted you back in her life.  Sure there were dynamic changes, but you don’t fucking lie to her while dating someone else here, and now I know why you didn’t want me to know you were dating Sarah or Rose, because I’m friends with both and women talk.  I can’t believe you.  And then you string my own wifey and I along regarding housing for literally months.  You complained to me about her, and then you complained to Rose about me, and these weren’t even legitimate issues.  You fabricated them to justify your avoidance.  Thank goodness we all figured it out now instead of later.  Believe me, the truth will always set you free.

Also, how dare you talk about my personal life to someone else?  And you can’t even gossip accurately.  I said I was considering talking to my doc about stopping a medication in passing, and you took that is I stopped.  And “you’re frustrated.”  Look asshole, it’s none of your business what I do and don’t do.  Also, I never stopped taking that med despite having a rough adjustment.  ALSO DON’T FUCKING DISCUSS OTHER PEOPLES MEDICAL DETAILS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  Just. Wow.  And saying that I’ve “done this multiple times.”  No, I go years before a doctor can even convince me to try a new prescriptive because of how many times they’ve almost killed me.  The exaggerations are incredible.  You’re aware of one prescription that landed me in the ER in Vegas, and the ER doc said to stop that medication immediately.

Are you seriously trying to hold onto that and use it as an excuse to be upset with me?  You ignored me for days.  I saw you the day before you signed a new lease with Sabrina you lying cowardly fuck.  And you saw what Liam put me through with his avoidance and said he was immature and had things to work on.  He really has all of his shit together compared to you.  Stringing Sabrina and I along, banking on us not talking to each other, was the housing equivalent of stringing a woman along while thinking to yourself “I wonder if i could do better.”  And you actually did that to Rose and Sarah, and who knows who else.  I can’t believe you were sexting Sarah over the weekend when Rose thought you were going to tell Sarah about her.  Also, I can’t believe you told Rose about Sarah, but weren’t honest with Sarah.  All four of us, all we ever wanted was honesty.  No one would have ever been mad with the truth.

Seriously, I don’t know how many times I said you could have texted me that you changed your mind while signing the lease.  I would have been like well that’s weird but okay.  Same with Sarah, you could have been honest and she would have been fine.  You create the very conflicts you claim to “fear” by avoiding people you need to talk to.  But I’m glad you’re not here.  You’re not dependable, we all know this now.  All four of us spoke in a wonderful group chat and laid out everything.  We know every lie you told all four of us, and that is the power of communication.  Your own roommate would block you if she didn’t live with you.  You deserve every second you suffer.  Every problem you’ve complained about is a product of your own bullshit, and you have no right to complain while you stay in it and talk to everyone about the issue instead of the person involved.  There is some great irony in your preference for strong intelligent women, especially since you can’t handle your shit when a strong and intelligent woman calls your on your shit.  We’re direct.  We’re not afraid of direct communication, we don’t even see that as confrontational.  Also, so what if there is a confrontation.  Yelling is not the worst thing in the world.  And you’re assuming we’re going to yell before you even talk to us.

I can’t believe you played two woman at the same time though, that’s so low.  It’s my fault you’re in Seattle.  It’s my fault you know these three other women.  But everything after that is all on you.  They don’t blame me, but it pisses me off that you basically used me through association.  People like and trust me, they see I trust you, they trust you… because I didn’t know better yet.  Five years is a long game.  I wish I could tell every woman you meet about you, and boy am I grateful Rose invited me to dinner to talk and verify some things.  Fuck, you and I never even dated and I have to deal with the emotional load you keep shoving off.  I won’t cry when you die.  I won’t wish for it either, but the world will be a better place when you’re gone.

For the first time since I started taking this new med my GI doc put me on to combat chronic nausea…. I am dealing with some painful and awful nausea right now. I know its grief from this mornings news.

*me watching Sailor Moon at 30*

Usagi: “My goal is to be married by 25!”

._.

I think the last time I watched the original anime was way before I hit 25 so I never noticed this bit…

._.

It finally happened, one of my docs put me on a script that:

– Didn’t immediately try to kill me
– Achieved the intended result
– Killed my sex drive

Holy !&#$. I’ve (partially) wanted this for so long since I haven’t had a steady partner in forever, it drove me nuts in the past, and now that its happened Idk what to make of it! Its not like it took out the drive for company and companionship, but I’ve been spending more time with friends this last week so that’s been lovely. Idk if I can orgasm… okay that last thought is kind of concerning. Maybe I’ll care when I want to, with someone, or whatevs.

Every single week has been painfully busy… since forever.  Noel talked me into seeing the Wax Trax! Documentary called Industrial Accident.  It was part of the Seattle International Film Festival.  Really she asked me if I wanted to get Korean food and we ran into a timing issue so I joined her for the film and we got food after. It’s so late. Omg.  It was absolutely amazing and emotional and there were a couple times we were holding back tears.  The director Julia Nash, Patty Jourgensen, Paul Barker, and Bill Rieflin were there for a Q&A after the film.  Noel and I talked about it at dinner, we can still feel the influence Wax Trax! had in our lives and how it still ripples today.

And of course our brains go sideways into other topics.  Also holy shit.  Idk why tf everyone compared you to Dave Grohl. I mean maybe vaguely, like when he was younger… like when Nirvana was a thing. And even then maybe distant cousin?  Not really.  Nah, today I saw the future.  Paul Barker, the guy who was in Ministry, the way Paul Barker looks today, is what you’ll look like in another 30 years, with some variation. Which means you’ll be gorgeous for fucking ever! He already looks amazing at 59, and you’re gonna do better. I am so bitter! I mean I was before but whatevs. I don’t even think you come here anymore, but I’ve referenced you in 2nd person for so long, why stop now? Idgaf if you ever see this or not.

Noel and I both have an aversion to SF. Because we have history and associations to SF. She dated a guy for years who hurt her. And me… yeah. They had an off and on thing. Noel and I have a lot in common. We both live very productive lives, were professionals, we go do things we want whether it’s with friends or alone, we’re adventurous and we’re hot. We both know this, our lives are awesome as is, but we miss companionship. That would be the cherry on top. Her words. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes? She’s more solitary than I am. She said that, but I think she’s lives more like an extrovert than I do?

Anyway, I explained the guy I dated right when I turned 21 did a fantastic job destroying my body image, on top of manipulating me and using me financially and otherwise. She told me her guy made her feel awful too, which is mind blowing because she’s so pretty. And I didn’t realize for years that the ex put me down so I’d stay. It took a long time to rebuild my confidence and realized he was full of shit. It really took regaining my health and going back into my profession to fix my body image. And not dealing with anyone else, and deciding to do at least a year of celibacy helped a lot too.

This detail just makes the situation feel like too much. It was already too much. Idk how to word this better, I can’t articulate this well. My best friend from high school said this was the first time I was in love. I know I’ve written this before. And I said something like, well there was Jay before. And she said this was different, there weren’t conditions attached. I wasn’t holding back either. And I get it. It wasn’t “I love you but x,” “I love you despite x thing,” or “I love you regardless of insert stupid bs reason here.” There wasn’t anything after “you.” It became a series of “I love you because.” And I felt that, and I recognized it. I remember being on top of you late at night, in the dark, listening to you tell me you loved me for my brain, for the way I laughed, for my body, and you kept going, and you meant it. For the first time, “I love you,” didn’t come attached with baggage. “I love you” stood on its own. You reinforced me. For the first time, I was happy with who I was as a person, and then I met you, and you amplified the things in me I loved. And I loved you for it. I loved you for many many reasons too. I met you when I’d already chosen solitude, and you made me so happy to reconsider. I wasn’t lonely when we met. I got used to LV, and I was content. I’ve been lonely since the day I met you.

She said she wasn’t sure if she ever fell in love that deeply with her guy in SF. When they broke up, she did mention telling him he had a small dick and was bad in bed. LOL. I said I didn’t have that, because to this day my guy in SF, is still the best sex I’ve had. And she was all that makes it harder. I’m bitter.

We talked about how shitty trying to date in Seattle is. She mentioned, there’s always talk about the Seattle freeze. I think it’s some bs that’s now a self fulfilling prophecy. The problem here is how passive everyone is. No one talks to each other. Even if you try, it’s rare someone reciprocated more than a couple sentences. We’re still better off with the choices we made. We know this. Someone recently mentioned there was a sub reddit about dating in Seattle and they talk about how passive it is here. Someone commented just saying “hi” already puts you way ahead of everyone else. That’s not an exaggeration. Almost everyone is in an open relationship. There’s nothing wrong with them, but we’re both of the opinion that if we see someone who is already partnered, we’ll play and have a casual thing, but we won’t commit, and if someone else comes along who puts us first, we’re done. I guess as long as everyone’s been up front with their intentions, it’s okay. Everyone else who is single and prefers monogamous dynamics, has some hang ups around sex. I mentioned how I thought it would be easier to date here. I had this ideal about Seattle, before I’d ever been here, that it’s a tech industry, and there are more men than women here, and the statistics would be in my favor. I was so wrong, I was so painfully wrong. She mentioned how she thought if she moved to another city, it would be easier to date. But she loves Seattle so it’s home for her. And I said I’d thought the same thing, but then I was worried what if I moved, and it was the same there? She said she had the same afterthought too, lol.

I can’t establish a fwb thing here like I could in Phoenix. She brought up a Tinder hookup so I brought up this guy, who claimed to be a LT in the Navy. I mentioned accidentally having a one and done thing with this guy stationed in Bainbridge. Okay so, you can claim to be anyone online. We were already having a really good conversation that lasted a few days, and if someone wasn’t who they said they were you could walk away. We went out for Mexican food and drank margaritas, and when we went back to his place I saw his degree from the Naval Academy and a graduation photo in this giant frame. That’s kind of really impressive. He was also very courteous, would ask if I was comfortable, and the sex was great! I felt absolutely nothing in a romantic context. Oh well. I’m okay with this for now. And then they left last month, also he’s a Submarine Officer. Gdi. I sent a text asking when he’d be back, but he might have already left before I sent it. If I hear from him again, cool. If I don’t, cool. And that’s how an unintentional one time thing happens. I explained I’d rather have a semi regular thing going with the same person because of health stuff, and because it’s just nice. She agreed.

I’m so fed up.

“Somewhere, tucked away in the vastness of it all, hidden between the horizon and the sea, there exists a world where you are loving the one that got away, where the words you never allowed yourself to say flow freely between your teeth. There exists a realm where you did things differently- where you choose the other path. Maybe you are happier there, though that is not the point, for maybe you aren’t. Maybe, just maybe, despite circumstances, despite regret, you are exactly where you need to be. The only thing stopping you from realizing that is the way you whisper ‘what if.’” — Bianca Sparacino, Seeds Planted in Concrete

Its been a crazy week with the boss in town and with mom visiting last week and other stuff going on.  I didn’t think I was going to make it, but after a nap and some food I got dressed and went to this crazy show with 10 bands and two stages.  Combichrist headlined but I didn’t really care.  I’ve seen them more times than I can count in AZ and when you’ve heard one of their songs, you’ve heard them all.  They still have a good stage presence.  But Nightclub was playing and I friggin love them, so I was super happy to see them, and some of the bands before them were really good too. I had some random chats with people around me, the crowd seemed much friendlier at this show than the last couple I’d been to.  This was a nice change.

Here’s the fun bit…

TMW you run into the guy you kinda sorta not really saw for a few months over the winter at a show and you look this good.

Also, TMW the guitarist from the first band hits on you and adds you on the Insta at the bar a few minutes later.

But wait, there’s more. Some taxi almost got into an accident staring at me walking down the street back to my car.

I was fucking hot tonight. Lololol

TMW you discover the last two meds you just took for the evening are both metabolized by the liver.  Today would end this way.

I guess I’ll try to sleep, and if I wake up and feel like I’m dying, I’ll go to the ER.

Today was ridiculous. Two rejections, one without a reason and I’m waiting to find out what happened. The other actually likes me but I need to study and try again. And trying to retain new material while being constantly under fight or flight is nearly impossible.

A random conversation I had with the friend who came over for a bit today went through the two guys who ran into a dear in the headlights moment while in bed with me. Which is still incredibly aggravating.

He said he didn’t understand how I was running into so much trouble here because I’m pretty, have a good job, and am okay with an NSA scenario. And I was all IDK, this place is broken.  And if I didn’t care who I slept with, I could go to the grocery store and point at someone, then say “you’re coming home with me, get in the car,” or something like that. Lol.  Since I gaf, it’s harder.  And then the friend mentioned how I wasn’t looking for anything serious and made some comment assuming I wouldn’t want a partner.  I explained that I do want a partner someday, but lowered my bar in that context because I still have a ridiculous sex drive and want to get laid. I don’t have this all or nothing mentality with people so I can figure it out with someone as we go along. Someday I would like to get married… if that ever happens.  I want to grow old with someone.  Then I mentioned, I haven’t brought it up and think I gave up after the last time I fell in love. But I’ve always remained open to possibility.  If things lined up and we met, I wouldn’t run from it.