It seems the busier I get keeping everything going, putting our fires, attempting to balance obligation and my own health… when they’re constantly fighting for priority, means I’ve been quiet online. I even took a break from social media for a short period, which was new, and not bad, but there were some people I had no idea how to contact during that time and that’s not good.
Last week was a lot of bs dealing with divorce and legalities, driving over 3k miles, seeing my own personal property rummaged through and my own designated space violated. I’m so mad, I don’t even know how to process it, I couldn’t even form words while surveying the damage, there was no way to articulate anything, and what good would it do? I want this huge overarching thing to be done so I don’t have to waste time and brain cycles on it.
This evening was strange, I was enduring a painful (but necessary) massage after being gone for a while, and my hips were pretty much locked up from being so tight, everything was bad from being in the car for so long that it’s been painful and difficult to walk for the last few days. I started spacing out after a few deep breaths, I was going in and out of consciousness, and then for some reason tried to quantify everything that’s been going on over the last 6 months, the last year. Things that have lingered, things that have concluded, people, situations, birthdays.
I started with December, and moved through 2018, then thought about the previous year and the workplace harassment and abusive treatment. I survived it, only to take on new / different things to overcome, yet again. I’m tired. I’m always tired. But I thought about last summer, my brains jumping back and forth. Last summer, despite all the bs I managed to volunteer the convention and enjoy the one that followed. I ran into some weird situations with people but I was able to laugh it off. With 2017, I was still adjusting to another place, still heartbroken, still feeling like a ghost in my own life, still unsure if I’d make it at my new company, but trying to explore the region and make the best of it. I had some one night stands, which I don’t regret, I’d just prefer they worked out better and in a way that would entice me to want to do it again. I’ve complained about people treating others as disposable, and I’ve never outright ghosted anyone, but I’ve been quick to drop off and hadn’t realized that until recently.
2016, I left Vegas at the 3 year mark like I said I would in 2013, I had no idea how it would happen but somehow it did! And despite Seattle not feeling like forever, I regret nothing. It was the right move for me, and I’ve met some wonderful people here (even if it is hard to coordinate and we all hermit up here a considerable amount compared to the desert). I hadn’t felt so light and unburdened since that time I was laid off, that just feels like privilege talking, because I didn’t have to worry about a roof over my head and I had some cash to handle whatever I needed. It was like a mini circumstantial vacation, and I took full advantage of it, going to LA and to music festivals, seeing friends, going back to AZ to visit friends, sleeping in, omg sleeping in. Before that lay off every day was uncertain and stressful and full of corporate bs. I hate admitting that going through all that bs the first half of 2016 got me to look at the last year and say “this isn’t my first rodeo.” The last years circumstances were actually worse, I had no insight, no solidarity, and was wading through this by myself, but seeing this corporate bs previously helped me navigate and survive. Even though it seems trivial, little experience is better than nothing to go off of, and this hasn’t been a theme going forward. This year’s world shattering events are trivial after a few moon cycles. 2016 felt like it had a lot of growing pains though, and that definitely bled into the next year.
2015, I keep thinking of past Defcon’s, I guess because it’s my happy place. Outside of little sparks of happiness I sought out and tried to cling to, I was miserable and lonely and missing someone everyday. I was a fool, I knew I was the fool then, but emotions aren’t rational. Even if it didn’t go both ways, my feelings were genuine on my side, and I refuse to keep beating myself up for being authentic. This ones not on me, just the fact that I tried so hard for so long for the wrong person and for all the wrong reasons. I remembered being very pretty with shorter purple hair in a dress with a halter top in a photo in front of a painting in a hotel room. That image stands out, it visually represents the year for me. Honestly it wasn’t bad year either.
2014 started off low pressure. I didn’t have a focus, it was just on survival and improvement, I got my health in order and I know that was a lot of effort and a lot of luck. I went back to work, i started venturing out and made friends. I had reconciled with my mother after having a strained relationship over the past decade. And I liked my job and the routines in the first half of the year. I met someone who honestly influenced the rest of my life, and I hate giving that much credit. To be fair there’s good and bad. Good for my career, this helped me shift into my current focus. But it’s this influence that makes me skeptical of everyone. I always say whenever I meet someone, they deserve a clean slate and I still believe that in principle, and it’s mostly true. I’m still outgoing, I still initiate small talk in random places and make friends, and have a generally good reputation for being approachable and all that. I have no desire to date or to know anyone more than platonically. When that context and demeanor starts to shift I can’t help but ask in my mind, “who did you hurt? That you’re aware of? That you’re not? Does it matter? Would it matter to you? Was it intentional? What lies are you willing to tell to get whatever you want?” Then it just keeps spiraling. “Maybe they’re a narcissist, a sadist. This is an act, everyone curates a good first impression.” I wonder if they’ve ever assaulted anyone, if they don’t understand enthusiastic consent, informed consent even, or maybe they do but they place their desires before the well-being of others and don’t gaf. The more I start the like someone, the more questions I start asking internally, and with how the world is right now, and with so much else to focus on, I’ve retreated. I had no idea the dominoes that started to fall in 2014 would spill here.
2013 is the year everything was on fire, I can’t tell if 2013 or 2012 were worse since the fire started Q4 2014 and decimated all of 2013. I dipped out of a 3 year relationship and lost a job of three years a week later. I felt like I didn’t have solid ground to stand on, I had people who I thought were friends circling me like vultures and didn’t see it until later. I was more self destructive than I’d realized at the time, I fell from one bad situation into an even worse situation with where I lived and with jobs. But the decisions I made that cascaded all of it were still some of the best decisions I ever made, and it made my life after possible. I really hate that floofy “everything happens for a reason” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” bs. Really, these were all setbacks that almost killed me and that’s not being dramatic. I hate thinking about how much further I would be in my endeavors had these disasters not happened. They’re expensive, and mentally and emotionally taxing.
I can barely remember 2011 and the first half of 2012, I guess it’s my brain blocking details out, which I simultaneously hate, but am kind of okay with. I remember photos from a couple fetishized balls, lots of arguments, and lies, more lies than I can count. My ex cheating on me which was still nuts because we weren’t exclusive then and he still had to break simple rules, they were mostly built around courtesy. I remember a friend OD’ing on heroin (and thankfully surviving) but going off on me and being erratic and verbally abusive. They later got sober and apologized. This was also around occupy, that was a thing. I met my future roommate there, the one cool one I’m still friends with, I’m still in awe we reconciled. And at the end of the year a “friend” of 8 years date raped me when I drove a couple hours north to visit.
2010 I had no direction or ambition, I mean I’ve always had ambition, but I had no direction and didn’t get one back until 2014. It was all downhill, I was so sick, my pain was unmanaged, I didn’t think I’d ever do better than a callcenter job, and it wasn’t from any lack of desire, ability, or intelligence. Promotion seemed like it required luck and a fuckton or nepotism. All I’d ever seen were old boys clubs where me half as smart as me leapfrogging me and making shit decisions, I’d only worked for shitty companies at this point so it was my only reference point. I worked, then in my own time I went out to dance, socialize, and break up the week. It was sinking into my life the way that it was, expecting it to always be that way. I couldn’t keep up with it and my doctors appointments I really couldn’t afford. I got the bunny around this time, he was a huge highlight and I adored him.
2009 was scary and exciting. I got away from my abuser, explored goth clubs and various events, made a lot of friends, and had my first (consensual) relationship as an adult. I started playing DDR again, started drawing again, took road trips, went from being job to job to getting something steady… even if it was shitty, it gave me some stability. I do think it’s sad a narcissist asshole almost a decade me senior saw essentially fresh meat in the goth club and really charmed me. I mean, from where I’d just been, he was a huge step up. I didn’t even gave a bar then. He was nice to me, he didn’t rape me, instead he asked. This was before the financial bs, manipulation, and cheating. But I’ve learned more life lessons from that relationship than anything else, and I can shoot anyone down before they can get anywhere near me because I can recognize the behavior. It’s the ones who don’t hit radar that are the most dangerous, and I know I’m not invincible, but at least I’m aware.
2008, I thought my life was over, I once had potential but it was gone. Chronic pain and illness was new and I only expected it to get worse. I hadn’t gotten away from my abuser, I was fluctuating between scared and fed up, feeling like killing me at that point would have been a mercy killing. There’s not much else to say about that time. 2007 was pretty much the same, I distinctly remember war though, and that was a nice escape. No one there knew what was happening to me in private.
2006 I left home again and went right back to my abuser. The perpetual fighting, slut shaming, and general evangelical nonsense being rained down on me pushed me away and made my rapist seem less worse, it’s nuts. And I’m sure he didn’t want to deal with me anymore than he did, but for the sake of legalities it was better to keep me believing I’d consented to everything. I trauma bonded, I didn’t know that was a thing till years later, and the irony is I ended up under his roof because of a confrontation at home in 2005 and he was my “savior,” until he got on top of me in his daughters bed and raped me one night while I pretended to sleep. I knew that moment changed my life, but had no idea how. I had no way out, no hope, no recourse, no plan b, nothing. He took everything away from me and I didn’t know how to reclaim myself for years. I wish I called PD from the bed after he left, I didn’t even know the address, but I’m not blaming myself for what happened anymore, or for how I couldn’t handle the situation. I had no support, no safe place, this isn’t on me. Before this event my house flooded and that’s what cascaded into this whole mess. The family was already broken, but these circumstances exacerbated everything.
2004 I graduated from high school, got my first call center job where I met my rapist, started college, didn’t really understand a lot of what I was exposed to until later.. there just wasn’t enough context in my life previously. I wasn’t unprepared, and it’s aggravating, but I know one parent tried their best while the other didn’t gaf. I kept going back in my head to 1992/1993, but it’s not worth rambling in here. It’s all trauma. I guess I ran through all this to acknowledge that sure there’s a lot of shit, and everyone I know has been through a lot of shit, but there’s also a lot of pleasant surprises. I went a lot further than I expected. I keep feeling stuck, I keep struggling, I keep facing what feels like impossible odds, and there are setbacks. I really hate having to work twice as hard to get half a far, especially when every ounce of effort and energy comes at a premium when you’re chronically ill. But I know there were people expecting me to fail, setting me up to fail, and they never got their satisfaction. Today I learned from a colleague that the boss who abused me and ruined my health for a year and half got termed from the company today. I outlasted him despite his efforts. I will go when I am ready, on my own terms. And there have been people who have cheered me on, who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, who inspired me and who I’ve inspired. I’m grateful for them, really. I haven’t stopped breathing, I haven’t stopped. I’m tired, I’m trying to remember how to rest and take a break when needed, but to not stop. Maybe I’ll finish this cert I’m working on, and maybe I’ll volunteer at another con this year, Idk.
