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Crazy story time at the Starbucks drive thru today:

Normally I pick up mobile orders but didn’t feel like getting out of my car today, but this guy changed that. For some reason the Jeep at the front of the line wasn’t moving and I had my turn signal on to get behind a Tesla after there was movement (I didn’t want to block the flow of traffic). Anyway, this guy comes up to my car and keeps knocking on my window and I’m instantly offended because some people don’t recognize how that could be perceived as a threat. I crack the window and he asks for a dollar to which I reply I don’t have cash on me (which is true since I always use the Starbucks app) and he starts yelling about how he’s hungry and then proceeds to knock on the windows of the Tesla, the black sedan in front of him, and then the Jeep at the front.

The Tesla is tired of waiting and uturns out of line (Idk if he went inside or gave up), so I decide to put in a mobile order and turn around to go park. The guy stops me mid turn so I’m in the middle of the street, definitely blocking all traffic, and won’t stop knocking on my window. He’s either completely forgotten he started at my car, or doesn’t care. He won’t go, he’s being argumentative, I call 911 on Bluetooth in my car and he asks “who are you talking to?” When he hears me describing him to dispatch he turns around and books it across the street to the gas station, shoulder checking some guy waiting for his Uber, and a barista was watching this all happen and was talking to the poor dude and then walked up while I was talking to dispatch. I went in to grab my stuff and texted the photos to the barista in case it took a while for someone to show up since I have appointments before work, but the sheriff did show before I left and I was able to provide photos and explain what dude was doing. He said he’s go across the street and try to find that guy.

Thankfully no one was injured, there was no vandalism, and the sheriff showed up quickly. It’s sad I had to call 911 before that guy would back off and I couldn’t even move my car. This is what happens the one time I decided I didn’t feel like getting out of my car.

You already have enough influence to break my heart

Dear Jöshua,

You’ve talked about your many aliases over the years online, even though I only know of a couple of them, and you know of the many names I go by. The analogy we’ve used in where we’ve pleased each other in our lives has been Misato and Kaji since we started gushing about our histories and fandoms to each other. They were pseudonyms we had at one point in our pasts before we even met each other, and somehow that lined up.

One online alias I used as a teenager was Persephone, I can’t remember if I ever referenced it. I’d heard of Lore Olympus for a while and have seen a lot of beautiful cosplay from it but hadn’t read the comic until recently. It brings a lot of… something out of me, and if I was Persephone I guess that assigned you Aidoneus (which I had thought of a couple times over the years but never mentioned). I thought you lived more like I was Buffy and you were Angel, where you felt your happiness was forbidden and our lives depended on it. I was pissed, we’re not fictional characters. We had a real, something. I felt like for years I poured over- I overflowed with love for you that had nowhere to go, that couldn’t be received, and that drowned me. It sits in reserve, that river doesn’t flow to you (it can’t), but I’ve had some relief in finding new love that has space to be received. It’s not an erasure of our history and your influence, it doesn’t take your place, but it gives me a warmth and color in my life that’s been painfully missing for a long time. I’m rambling at 1:07am. This has been swimming in my mind for a while, but it’s being written out due to some influence from here. I wonder how much of that resonated with you, or if I’m off. I don’t know what your life looks like now, but I hope you’re okay.

Last night I felt true compersion for the first time. I’ve known the term for a long time, but I’ve only observed it in others instead of experiencing it myself. The previous examples of open and/or poly dynamics I’ve explored were not the healthiest examples, whether I was primary or secondary partnered in a hierarchy.

Over time I’ve seen myself move towards an egalitarian form of poly (or I guess it’s been rebranded as relationship anarchy?) and have been grateful to have my emotions reciprocated by someone I really care for, and am really grateful to my meta for being lovely and welcoming. It is because of their loving dynamic that they reinforce their own relationship and each other, and I can see how that enables them to reinforce their own relationships outside of the one they share. This is the best example of poly that I’ve seen and that I’ve experienced personally, I know there are many other styles but this fits for me. There’s also the thing where I insta-fell for you and that chemical reaction thankfully went both ways. We only met a month and two days ago (even though it feels like I’ve known you longer), and I’m glad I followed that spark.

This has also been an incredibly, and surprisingly, healing experience. This is still a new dynamic, but I haven’t had to inhibit myself and was able to recently express myself freely. I really hate loving with limits more than anything. I’m not worried about bandwidth or jealousy, no one loses out because someone they care for cares for others, you’re not pie. And I love the openness and transparency more than anything. Everyone is aware of each other, there is a lot of trust and a lot of communication.

It helped me reconcile a lot of past trauma (along with a lot of therapy over the last year). It helped me stop mourning the past loves I couldn’t let blossom, it stopped my present from competing with my past. It reinforced my holding space for the love I still carry for others while understanding I could move on and enjoy life and new love. This is my proof of concept, finally moving from theory into practice. It helped me stop trying to painfully define how far I could explore dynamics with others based on the conditions of longevity. I would imagine we all want our loving dynamics to live on for the rest of our lives, but that’s not the focal point. It’s pouring every bit of yourself into that space now and allowing yourself to be in those shared moments to completely appreciate them. Everything I’ve done in the past feels like self sabotage now that I’m reflecting back. We try to learn from our past. The future will come soon enough, there’s no reason to dwell on it.

It helped me stop competing and comparing. We all have histories, and experience is a good thing. We don’t have to limit ourselves and how or who we choose to love, as long we’re honest and don’t break any promises we make or disregard any boundaries. And all of the above is incredibly important, but mostly I was given space to be 100% vulnerable in the company of another person who cares for me, and it’s one of the best things I ever allowed myself to do again. This time without any doubts, hesitation, or red flags. Once I got out of my own head it was fine, and those fabricated concerns I spun in my mind were laid to rest. This was a space I didn’t think I could fully hold within myself after the sexual assaults I’ve encountered over the years.

I’m still healing, I don’t have all the answers, and I’m still a work in progress. But I am so incredibly grateful for all this clarity, and I don’t know what shape this dynamic will evolve into, but so far the ride has been beautiful just like you, and I thank you, and I love you for it. And I know it’s way too soon… so I hope someday, I can tell you.

Today (yesterday? It’s 1:36AM but I haven’t gone to sleep yet) was my 3 year work anniversary. I didn’t think I was going to make it, especially last year, and I’m the one still standing. I’m still unhappy about how much I was held back and how much of an impact that still has today regarding position and earnings, but the last couple months have been surprisingly rewarding. Instead of dealing with a fuckton of politics and being set up to fail, I report to someone who says “yeah do the thing,” and sends emails approving me to handle whatever, however I see fit. I’m exhausted, I don’t know how many hours I’ve worked every week for the last few weeks. I had a bad mental block a couple days ago, then today put everything I got back from everyone together, onboarded a new automation process, fixed gaps from audit findings, submitted feature requests, was in meetings with other orgs, sent out a launch announcement… that’s half of today and I don’t feel like thinking about the rest. My calendar looks really bad, this isn’t a competition I want to win and I’m getting close. I don’t know if this is really going to amount to anything and it’s hard not to be discouraged af since I’ve poured myself into work before and gotten nowhere, but I’m running three projects on top of the normal dailies and am getting recognition in email chains and in meetings I’m not in and hearing about it later. It’s one hell of a 180 from this time last year.

This is me proving I always belonged and was always able to deliver, it was my former boss who had his team taken away from him. He left the company at the start of the summer. His reputation still echos when I work with other teams who had to deal with him. When they find out where I was before my current org they’re all like, well at least he’s gone and you seem pretty happy with what you’re doing now. Having free rein to do all of this has been weird, and great. Weird and great. I can’t run at this pace forever though, I’m never home. My sleep is suffering more than normal, and I want that work life balance I had when I first got here. This is still way less stressful than leadership trying to sabotage me, or meetings with lawyers and internal HR investigations. I’m tired af. I’m okay with how today went.

Been home less than 9 hours a day almost every day for the last week, I’m not even partying or socializing, I wasn’t out this much when I was 10 years ago.

I’m not going blind with a quickness. My visions still good, macula and optic nerve are alright, at least what’s observable. Pressure in the nerve is slightly above average and needs to be monitored, it could still be autoimmune related. We can’t identify the black specs, it might be related to the retina and it might be too small to find. I’m still being referred to a neuro-ophthalmologist but at least it’s not urgent right now.

I’m being weird, even for me. My Wifey brought me and a couple friends to a Halloween house party a couple weekends ago and I arrived fairly late. I wasn’t sure if I’d even have the energy but it was surprisingly on my side of town-ish, and I miss house parties. They don’t seem to be a thing here as much as they were elsewhere. Wifey recognized the hosts from Phoenix and ran into them at the Beats Antique show a while back, I’d intended on going to this show but ended up missing it. So I awkwardly go in and it’s been winding down, introduce myself and am still hopeless at remembering many names given to me all at once. I decided to go to the kitchen and look at the alcohol, it’s a rare occasion now and I decided to go for it.

All of a sudden some gothic perfection shows up as I turn the corner and offers to explain where everything is, offers the blood orange or raspberry mead he made, or is more than happy to make me a cocktail. I’m almost speechless, when’s the last time a man made me lose my words? 2014. It’s been five years and it’s a familiar mental train wreck in a very different place in a very different time with a very very different catalyst.

We introduce ourselves, he’s one of the two hosts. He’s my Wifey’s friend’s husband. The wife and I had just met a few minutes prior, she’s lovely. He’s breaking my brain. He’s married. This is an instant deal breaker because that means off limits. They’re poly. It’s back on the table. Does he even think I’m cute? What’s their dynamic, what are their rules? I’m suddenly being presumptive. None of it is relevant if this sudden infatuation isn’t reciprocated.

Now this, this is fascinating, not only what I’m observing in front of me but also what I’m picking up on from within. People have gotten my attention over the last couple years and I’ve had some hookups, I’ve made friends, but no one has made me want to invest myself. I’ve looked everyone up and down and decided within the first 5 minutes where the limits are. I don’t see it here, and it’s not scary at all. Reciprocated or not, it’s actually fine. I think we’ll be wonderful friends even if we never develop any intimate dynamic. I used to wonder where on the mono – poly spectrum I landed. I always thought I couldn’t really deeply love and plan long term with anyone unless we were each other’s primaries and everyone else would be a fleeting play partner. Or maybe a life long friend you got closer to or were more romantic with than most, and maybe you’d end up moving away from each other but would keep in touch and try to visit. That’s not true to me anymore.

I always felt like I’d have to treat these things as a case by case thing. There are some partners I could definitely have an open or poly dynamic with, and some where I’d only want to be with them and that’s it. People have different needs at different points in their lives, wouldn’t relationships evolve over time as your needs and your partners needs change too? I’ve come to realize that I could love someone fully in a poly relationship even if I was not their primary. I can understand the context of the relationship going in, how it’s framework is constructed, what we make of it, and how it sits neatly next to our other relationships. These things are fluid. It may not be forever, but we can give ourselves fully and authentically to the experience and to each other in our own ways for the time we choose to spend together. And as circumstances change we adjust, and it doesn’t take away from its legitimacy just because we never promised forever.

How did I get here? I think it’s incredible I started heading in this direction probably a year ago. I know that loving someone doesn’t take away from someone else. It’s like the joke about how it’s not pie. It’s these transitions that’s made me comfortable with these considerations in general, and I’m glad I met him at the right time (finally, for once). I don’t think I could have allowed myself to enjoy these emotions a year ago.

This person is so much of a hedonist, we’re on the same frequency, except he’s completely indulged in it. He has rope, Violet wands, their house is set up for entertaining but its still a home and it’s incredibly comfortable and inviting. It’s warm. It’s exactly the environment I’d want to create if I could / if I didn’t have a conservative elderly parent living with me.

He’s so charismatic and completely beats me at the extroverted game. He was engaging with everyone at the party, listening intently, chiming in with his own experiences related to the current topic, offering things, he found out I loved spicy food after talking about the series Hot Ones and showed me the hot sauce collection he accumulated doing the wing challenge with his friends. He gave Wifey and I massages, he offered to have us go soak in the hot tub in the back yard when everyone else had gone home, it was 5am and we needed to go while we could still drive, otherwise we would have gone for it, and he offered us the guest room! But she had pets to tend to and I had plans.

He checked in on me when I made a general post online about feeling off and wanting company this last weekend. His attention is so undivided when he gives it, and that’s with everyone from what I’ve seen, that I can’t tell if he’d reciprocate where I’m at or if he’s really into me the way he’s really into anyone he likes in general and it’s completely platonic. I can’t read this, I’m doubting everything. When I said I was a wimp at reaching out directly over making a general call online he fired back that we’re obviously very comfortable with each other in person, and he needs a good excuse to have me over for a soak in the hot tub. That sounds like Wifey verbiage. Gdi. I’m gushing. Ima die. I’m ded.

I had a conversation with a very close friend named Josh (there’s too many of you) at work. He’s recently engaged but one of his best friends is someone who he considered a soulmate. She was pretty young when they met (their age gap isn’t that huge imo but they were both fairly young) and she decided to go and see what else is out there. They still confide in each other. They still vett things, decisions, and relationships for each other. There’s a deep connection and trust, even if the context has changed, and they want to see each other happy. There’s also a pact that when they’re old and gray, if they’re both single and/or widowed that they’re getting back together. It’s funny, endearing, and a little sad they didn’t just stay together than anyway. But I know he loves his fiancé, even if it’s different than what he had with his ex. He is poly, his soon to be wife is not, and she is the jealous type. This isn’t a judgment on her, but it seems like someone is always complying to the expectations of others… and end up compromising themselves in the end.

I guess, it made me think of you. Many things do, I still want to share everything I enjoy with you. This is kind of testing out what I’ve said I’m capable of for a while. I can love you from a distance and have loving relationships in my future without one diminishing or taking from the other. It’s not pie after all, cake is infinite (I said that in the office today and forgot what it was referencing). I’m just a little sad because I wish it would have worked out like my friend Josh and his soulmate where they’re still connected online and still have some kind of relationship even if their lives have moved on. I feel like there’s so much damage there and like you decided you can’t go after happiness, like you’re Angel and have to punish yourself (or did a great job portraying it), but part of me feels like it’s been so long I basically abandoned you because I felt like you abandoned me.

You were never really holding space for me even when we were able to speak freely. It’s hard to remember that now. I started thinking there’s been enough time between what happened maybe that sadness from distance and pain have burned off, and now it’s just some wistful sadness from absence left, with a desire for communication and bridge building. At the time I thought I did the right thing fighting for you, I was fighting for myself. This dynamic was destructive to us both (there’s a shared liability there). That’s not love, it’s a need for possession. Love would have been acceptance, not just for who you are, but also the choices you made. Love would have been seeing all of that and deciding it’s okay because you know what you need in your life more than anyone else. I still don’t understand why you made these choices, but it’s never been mine to understand. I wonder if you’re still at the university, if you’re well, what media you’re currently into, what your dreams are like now, what endeavors you’re pushing for. But why would you ever want me back in your life in any way? I destroyed that bridge.

I should be asleep. This is nothing new, I’m almost always awake when I should be asleep.

A lots been bothering me, but this ones pretty bad. I’m waiting to see a neuro-ophthalmologist for more tests. Something’s off with one of my optic nerves, and that shits irreversible. I know nothings ever guaranteed in life, and I’ve never taken my senses for granted, but blindness is terrifying. I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid of the dark in my life. This is a symptom of intracranial hypertension or it’s early onset optic neuritis, and that’s autoimmune but it’s usually associated with MS, and I don’t have that diagnosis… currently. My specialists have figured out a lot more here than they ever did in the SW, but there are still a lot of unknowns they can’t label. It’s common for MS to be comorbid with the other diagnoses (I have many now / yay?) I already have, but I thought this would be a pretty late onset for this one. And then I looked it up and the average age of onset is 34, and I’m not far off. Dammit.

I don’t know if I have MS. Idk if it’s SLE, no ones sure. Maybe it’s both? Maybe it’s a combo breaker. I really don’t want to get worse, it’s been so hard getting marginally better. I don’t want to go blind. I know people who are blind function well and get along just fine, but I can’t even imagine not being able to drive, or see or produce art, or wander around anywhere just to see an unknown place, or colors, or light… how tf would I work? I’m nauseated. I need to stop.

How can you be homesick for someone?

How can you still be homesick for someone?

How can you still be homesick for someone you had to walk away from?

Why did I decided the middle of the night was a good time to watch this?

You never would have fallen for me.

I appreciate Goth Chick Appreciation Day.

I haven’t dyed my hair in almost a year while dealing with all this court stuff and going back and forth across the country. Part of it’s been entertaining to see just how much my hair has changed naturally, I started seeing a couple grays around 23 or 24 but there were so few. They seemed to really come in the last couple years and then call it good for now. It’s mostly concentrated in my bangs (and mostly my hairline), and I was kind of hoping for a Rogue streak but it’s nowhere near there. I also don’t understand why people freak out about their hair changing, the fact that I’m living to see this means I’m leveling up instead of dead so…

The last few days in the mirror my undyed hair has really reminded me of yours. I’m the same age you were when we met, and you do have gorgeous hair. I guess we both do.

Currently reading Azure docs and the buzz word agile comes up. It just reminded me of a ridiculous game on Mt. Charleston. “Agile” was such a cheat word. *eye roll*

During lunch I decide to run over to the Sephora a few blocks away from the office, grab the stuff I’m out of, and start heading back.  I’m walking down Pine when I notice this guy turn the corner and start walking in front of me. He’s wearing a red shirt that’s like a couple shades lighter than what I’m wearing (still a pretty dark red) and my brain starts running through allllllll the algorithms…. I wanna say something, omg should I? What would I say? Is that creepy? He’s wearing airpods surely he doesn’t want to be bothered, what if he has a significant other,  I don’t want to intrude. I keep walking and he stops at 6th like he’s going to cross towards Pike and that’s it. I kept walking down Olive minding my own business until I stopped and turned around to decide how intrusive I was feeling. He was looking down at it phone and I was all yeah that’s the culture in Seattle.  He looks up and turns in my general direction, I turn around immediately and start walking towards 7th, he starts walking in my direction! I cross 7th towards 8th, he crosses the intersection and starts walking down 7th. Hooo sheeeit. 

I backtrack and start walking down 7th and I’m behind him being all creepy and indecisive. We’re standing next to each other at the intersection waiting for the light to change and he’s looking the other way (north) so I look at his backpack trying to figure out an excuse to talk to him and notice some shiny paper in the mesh pocket. I ask him if it’s origami paper (my follow up question was going to be where he got it from), he takes his airpods out and is like shiny paper? Then takes off his backpack and pulls out the shiny paper and explains they’re temporary tattoos. They seem like the kind of thing you’d have for music festivals so this is what I start assuming.  He mentions the young people are into that sort of thing and I’m like “cause you’re not a young people?”  and he pulls something else out of his backpack and reaches for my hand like he’s going to shake it, this thing looks like those metal sculptures that move and change shapes in the wind except it goes down your arm! It went from his to mine, then I returned it the same way. He explained he does improv and these are conversation starters… that worked.

We’re walking the same direction now and he asks if there was anything else I wanted to ask, dude is reading me like a book. And I don’t remember if I said I had a couple questions earlier or not. I don’t even remember if I said I was on the fence even though that’s why I kept going back and forth for a few blocks. I said I was omw back to my office and asked him if he’d be interested in getting coffee sometime. He’s been very friendly this whole time and tactfully mentions he has a girlfriend and wasn’t sure if that was a factor or not but otherwise would be interested in coffee, I don’t actually remember the verbatim but that’s the gist of it and I was like ohhh I don’t want to intrude. That’s cool.  He asks me what I do and I mention being a techie in Seattle (knowing some non tech people in Seattle aren’t too happy with the industry here) and he asks what does techie in Seattle mean? So I say I’m in information security down here and he asks if that means physical or logical and then I knew he knows the industry. I mention logical, answer a couple more questions, and then he tells me he’s also a data scientist. Ugh, hot.

Then this middle aged guy and his elderly mother come up to us asking if we live here because they’re lost. They mention Pacific Science and I start explaining how to get to the Pacific Science Center and where the best place to stand is to get an Uber in this intersection and then at the last minute the guy says Pacific Place which is one block over and I’m like oh shit, have them turn around, point to the AMC theater sign, and tell them to go to the sign like they’re going to the movies and that’s Pacific Place. Idk why he said Pacific Science first cause that’s half a mile away and far on foot, I almost sent them in the wrong direction. ._.

The guy made a comment about my knowledge of the area being impressive and I mentioned how I used to live in the area before moving north.  I asked how long he’d been in Seattle and he was approaching 4 years, I mentioned coming up on 3.  So then I ask about exchanging info and am wondering what’s the best method, he asks how I keep in touch with friends and I’m all social media… text, signal… I mean you’re the data scientist. I ask if it’s too intrusive to exchange numbers and he says no so I hand him my phone and he texts himself “hi Phil!” before he crosses at 7th, and he asks in the cross walk what my name is and I yell it while texting it to him.  We walk in parallel across the street until I turn right.  Either he was going to the gym at the apartment I used to live in or he was going to another building and we work for the same company.  And he texted me a hello back a couple hours later and Idfk what to do with it. My cards were all on the table and meeting outgoing coffee friends in a fairly reserved environment is great but ermahgerd! Thank fuck I wasn’t slummimg it and looked cute af.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Story time!

Last night at the goth club I was dancing next to my friends and noticed up by the booths there was a guy with gorgeous long hair talking to a friend of his. I was trying to figure out if/how/what/ermahgerd/should I go talk to him? Is this intruding? Idk?! We can’t predict reciprocation but I wanted to try in a polite and non intrusive manner so I decided offering to get his next drink when he was ready. He was nursing his current drink pretty slowly so I was like eh.. and I didn’t want to interrupt his conversation with his friend. It’s also super loud in there and you can’t really have a conversation unless you’re super close to someone and am not willing to close that gap unless invited. So I waited a while and wrote out on my phone that I didn’t want to yell over the music, but wanted to know if I could buy him a drink. I went back and forth on this and asked myself what’s the worst that could happen? He declines? That’s not bad. And I felt hot af, I was missing a fetish ball friends were throwing in Phoenix and dressed up for the occasion up here.

I walk over and show him my phone, he has trouble reading the tiny font so I sceenshot it and make it larger. It’s when I got close to him that I realized the club lighting was overly flattering and it was too late for me to abort mission and reneg (boy does this feel superficial af and brutally honest to write out / but we’d never approach anyone or reciprocate unless we were attracted so… yeah). He read the message and seemed pretty amused, whatevs. He accepts and says he’ll take a kraken and coke, I go to the bar and wait in line and text my wifey on messenger about the discovery and that I might need her to “rescue” me in a few minutes. Get his kraken and coke, I grab club soda for myself, and head back to him. His friend has since left him, I hand him the drink and sit down next to him and he isn’t starts chatting (which I appreciate) and then it’s nonstop. I guess this is good because I didn’t have to carry the conversation.

My friends are now peering over the half wall on the dance floor side and are highly entertained about this interaction. I think one of them gave a thumbs up? We start talking music and I realize he’s a total gutter punk at heart and was toned down in attire. And that’s cool, but yeah uhhmm, I say that I really want to go dance and he’s all “you should” and I do, and I go back to my friends and they thought it looked like things were going great so I said “look at your phone” and they were like “oh.” The icing on this cake is talking to one of my friends later who knew exactly who I was talking about when describing what had happened and mentioned he was og. He mentioned being in the scene since the early 90’s and she said he had to be in his 50’s. He looks great for his age, and that’s true, but I was so thrown off. It was so awkward, and my friends didn’t see the text to pull me out. I pushed myself to do a thing and not worry about the outcome. It was hilarious, I had a great night. I got a lot of complements on my outfit. The end.

Learning to love you from a distance is still a struggle. Some days I do better than others and others I’m a mess. I miss you, it’s like you’re dead to me, or I’m dead to you, and all I want to do is figure out how to summon you, what spell does it take? What do I need? Why won’t SMS, Signal, messenger, email, or picking up the phone work? Why are there no websites? Why does proof of your existence online no longer exist? I have no gravestone to mourn at. I have nowhere to send flowers. Or to bring them and place them in person. I still wish I knew I’d see you again, regardless of the circumstances. I want to see proof that you’re still alive, I want to see you with my own eyes. Hear your voice. Touch your face. I’m never going to stop loving you, and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never do it in your presence. I’ve had to learn that’s okay, and that loves not finite. I’ve known for years but haven’t been living it, like I’m scared to let go of a part of myself, or you. I’ve been forever changed after you, so you’re kind of stuck. A little bit of you will always be with me whether you’re okay with it or acknowledge it or not. I can treat this like I’ve treated other things. Different but still capable of loving someone just as hard and just as fierce and passionate. Unfiltered, uninhibited. None of this conflicts the other, I can hold space for both, I just have to allow myself to live it. I can only “talk” to you through the void.

I seem to be at the 5 year mark since the last big shift, first at 21 then 26. This is welcome and terrifying, there’s so much more on this one. I really don’t mean to be cryptic I’m just still trying to figure it out for myself. I thought I was done asking myself how I’ll ever get through this. The other day I didn’t have this kind of hesitation inside, but I need to keep moving forward. I still need to get my thoughts out on the haven, and defcon is this weekend. That’s just one of many things in my life I wanted to share. I wanted to share that experience with you, among many others. Some wistful trap that turns melancholic keeps pulling me in, it’s been a lot stronger lately.. maybe it’s from how heavy the stress is and wanting a distraction or a happy memory no matter where it comes from? I don’t know what I need right now.

Lately I just keep making paper stars.

Uuuuugghhhh I didn’t mean to stay up this late.

Thinking of you I lie awake
Longing to suffocate
Spilling my tears as you turn awayLight cast onto a memory
Darkens the scenery
I can’t know you the way you know me

Visions of you through clouds of smoke
Inhale until I choke
Filling my lungs but now I’m aloneCold as an emptiness consumes
Rain dripping in my wounds
You don’t want me the way I want you

Wait (wait)
I’m not the one that you should blame (blame)
I never meant to cause you pain (pain)
I’ve gotta go, it’s getting late
So late
Yeah

She said, “You look at me, don’t try to run, don’t try to leave”
She said, “You won’t believe what I have done, what I have seen”
(Yeah)
She said, “You belong to me, don’t try to run, don’t try to leave”
She said, “You don’t wanna see what I will do if I can’t have you””What can I do if I can’t have you, my captive love?

Shame (shame)
I’ve tried my luck, planned my escape (‘scape)
Your captive love, I can’t be claimed (claimed)
I’ve gotta go, it’s getting late
So late”What can I do if I can’t have you?
What can I do if I can’t have you, my captive love?
My captive love”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

You stole my heart
Ripped it apart
And claimed your own
Right from the start
You played the part
Reap what you sow
(Yeah)
You stole my heart
Ripped it apart
And claimed your own
Right from the start
You played the part
Reap what you sow

What can I do if I can’t have you?
What can I do if I can’t have you, my captive love?”