Category Archives: Uncategorized

I don’t really know what to say, the existentialism has been so incredibly heavy. I don’t remember a time it’s ever been this bad. The worlds on fire, apocalypse bingo feels as much a reality as it does a joke. I’ve never simultaneously felt so insecure and sure of myself. How is that even possible? Pending actions… pending decisions. I don’t want to be hasty, they may not even be necessary. There’s a difficult gray area between not wanting to make a decision too soon when you can wait it out and see how things unfold vs. using that as an excuse to not take action at all. My shits so trivial compared to the real problems in the world. All I know is right now my hearts aching and I don’t know what it needs.

I’ve been bad at managing all this accumulating stress and haven’t been able to sleep more than 4 hours at a time for weeks. Now I’m dealing with the lovely SLE symptom of ulcers in the back of my throat and it’s painful af. I’m run down, I need things to change.

I’m half asleep in bed thinking about this last weekend. After all this isolating I’m glad Adrian and I figured out a safe way to spend time together on the weekends again, I’m still wary and understand even mitigating to the best of our abilities isn’t a 100% guarantee but I’ve already mitigated and accepted the risk of going out and picking up food or scripts in masks and sanitizing whatever comes into the house. Our corporate offices are doing what they can.

This last weekend I took a rare long weekend and we spent a lot of that time cuddled up and enjoying each other’s company, played with rope and shiny things, binged scifi, enjoyed dim sum, burgers, and then sushi the last day (it had been a while since I banned non cooked food for the last couple months). We watched the protests unfold in Seattle, we didn’t know how to process it, friends posted their first hand accounts locally. Friends across the country got maced, tried to provide aid when possible, and got out when it was their only option. I’m worried about a huge spike in covid cases due to the protests, but I understand why the protests are happening and support them. I’m too weak physically and in health to participate, it makes me feel useless in this situation, but all I can do is try to pay attention and share info when possible.

Saturday morning we watched boats move across the sound through the fog. I was tearful, then I ugly cried. I mourned Jösh and I never making it to Seattle. Acknowledged the irony of him wanting to originally move here, but meeting him because his gf chose SF. Adrian knows I love him and Josh very much. I love you both very much. He said he was sorry I couldn’t be with someone I cared for so much, and would be sad if he couldn’t see me. He understood the situation and why I walked, and why there’s still a little grief inside me. I mentioned the last time I really reached out was due to an earthquake in Hokkaido, and apparently there was an earthquake in Hokkaido this last Saturday but I didn’t know until I checked my work email yesterday. Some timing.

This morning I wondered if I hadn’t gone to Vegas, if I’d skipped that and went from Phoenix straight to tech in Seattle if we’d ever end up meeting. Then I remembered you took a photo outside my apartment a year before I moved in there. Maybe I would have already been established in the company here, maybe I would have ramped up faster when the company was younger before the people who gave me trouble ever had the chance to mess with me. Maybe I would have been more invincible and wise navigating this corporate bs, and maybe I would have seen you speak at that conference across the street from my apartment. Maybe I would have sought you out after and hit you up for a discussion. I might have invited you to one of my favorite happy hour spots to continue to conversation and would have eaten up all your time, only to discover all the things we had in our past that made us who we were and made us realize there was something more than just superficial small talk. Maybe you would have invited me back to your hotel in Seattle, like you did in Vegas. Maybe you were at the Westin, or Andra, or Grand Hyatt. I don’t think Hyatt Regency was built yet in 2015. We might have been up all night talking about Arizona, music, anime, food, I would have showed you my Spotify instead of an old iPod touch. Maybe I would have stayed the night, or maybe I would have suggested you walk me back to my apartment instead since it was a couple blocks away and I wanted to show off. You might have done your best to practice restraint, or you might have kissed me, unless I got to you first. You know I have the worst impulse control, but you’d just be figuring this out first hand here. You might have suffered through me making tea, and black sesame pancakes and bacon the next morning. Or depending on how late we slept in we might have walked a couple blocks to my favorite brunch spot for unlimited mimosas and waffles. These were all things I wanted to share with you when I moved to this city and got to know it. Do I believe we would have met in a different location in a different year if I had skipped an entire state? I can fantasize about it for a morning. I used to think we missed the mark in Arizona, maybe not. I wondered if Vegas was just a disaster, but I gained so much during that time. I have a lot of people I’m grateful to have in my life from that time. I got 6 years of hacker summer camp in due to proximity and sheer will, and I reconciled with a parent. It’s not worth trading off and losing, as much as I feel getting here sooner would have been an advantage professionally, personally, and financially (especially with the housing market).

I almost met Adrian a year earlier than I did because I was supposed to be at a Beats Antique show downtown. I can’t remember why but I didn’t make it, and my wifey recognized his wife and they all connected. It’s probably best I met them at their house party, I’m not sure if we would have had the same opportunity to connect this way if it had been at the show. The polycule had a very different dynamic then and was fairly new. How are we all from Arizona, or have ties to that state? Adrian caught my pause when I first saw him, it registered and he likes to bring it up sometimes. I say that someday I’ll meet someone else who makes me pause and then they can make fun of me and laugh about it together. He’s not really making fun of me, I think he finds it endearing. He was the second person to see it happen since he was the second person to have that impression on me, and he knows you were the first. I don’t know if you caught that too when we met, or if I did a better job recouping since it was in a professional setting and I could at least try to focus on talking to someone next to you.

I don’t think any of this really matters or know if any of this would have changed outcomes. It’s a little wishful speculation. I had three states to meet you in, and even if we’re not in each other’s lives now, I feel like something would be missing if we’d never interacted even if I didn’t know what it was or why. I still wish circumstances were better.

Or maybe it’s just the mind. There’s that whole thing about your cells in your body replacing entirely at 7 years. That used to bring me some comfort that my body, the one I have today, is one my rapist never touched. I don’t know if that’s a credible fact or if that’s a popular misnomer. I haven’t been compelled to go verify it.

This evening acid went up my esophagus and burned my throat so bad it felt like I was drowning. This hasn’t happened in many years, and it’s stress. I downed some almond milk and then water, I’ll have to be careful for a few days with what I eat. I thought I was doing an excellent job avoiding irritants but I know it’s stress getting worse lately. I started getting regular muscle spasms again, it’s my system’s warning shots, it’s the last stage before constant intense migraines, never ending pain, and an inability to continue working. My mitigations like massage and botox for tmj haven’t been available since January and my stress hasn’t gone down or sustained, it’s increased with less relief and very few outlets.

I recently switched PCMs and I like this one. After some reluctance I decided to try a muscle relaxer again, hoping it’ll be a helpful tool until I can get back to other things that helped manage symptoms, and hopefully won’t be too sedating.

So here’s what I just realized at 2am, today is my rapist’s birthday. Once I know details about some people they just stay in my brain, even if I hadn’t thought about it for years the recall is still there even if I’d rather delete that info and save space for more important things. It is unfortunate a good friend in Arizona who shares a name with a former lover, also happens to share a birthday with the biggest predator I ever met. Seeing today was Josh’s birthday on social media reminded me of what else lands on this date. Things have been stressful for everyone, things are on fire and nothing is normal. I was already in steady decline and working to calmly slow that roll, and try to turn it around… but I guess my cells still remember what today is, and I’m spitting up avid and I feel nauseated and awful.

There’s some irony in just breaching the topic of consensual non-consent, I didn’t even realize how close we were to this date when that conversation was happening. I like the idea of taking something and changing its context, and being able to rewrite the script while knowing you have control and the ability to cease as needed. I can also see it being triggering or bringing out an unexpected reaction, I guess we’ll see how that goes.

It finally sank in last summer I couldn’t go back to a baseline or reset to “before,” but that’s not a loss. I didn’t have to hang on to things that didn’t serve me, and what I’ve been subjected to doesn’t get to define me. Sometimes unexpected things strike and I need to remember this.

This stomach acid and all the icky feelings that come with it need to go away.

It’s 5:57am and I can’t sleep. This isn’t new, but it’s been progressively getting worse. There’s a strange collective grief and anxiety in the world, mixed with individual nuance and pain, customized to what we happen to be missing, worrying about, or going without.

It’s 5:59am and I feel like I’m in the wrong bed. I’m in my bed, it is the right bed, but I feel like on a Sunday morning I should be tucked under the covers and wrapped in the arms of the man I love. The last person to touch me almost two months ago. A lot of us are feeling a similar disconnect in our own ways. Touch starvation, and simultaneously being grateful for technology that allows us to interact from a safe distance, but not feeling safe from this ache that hits like clockwork as the sun starts coming up. I tried my best to embrace virtual social gatherings, I miss everyone, but I can’t bring myself to log in right now. I like my friends, but zoom and Skype and Houseparty suddenly feels like trying to eat when you can’t taste or smell food.

It’s 6:01am and I keep thinking about how I feel like I’m on borrowed time. This global issue doesn’t discriminate, every contact with the world indirect or otherwise (supply delivery) feels like a game of roulette. We don’t know how hard someone will be impacted until they face the threat themselves, if they must. Some of us will start that fight with deficits, some of us won’t make it. Having a lifetime of chronic conditions and knowing exposure likely being a matter of when instead of if, genuinely makes me worry my time will be up sometime in the next 16-24 months. Maybe I might make it, but I won’t make a full recovery. My mom won’t make it at all. She’s the only blood family I have. Even if I make it, my heart won’t.

It’s 6:06am and I keep going in circles. If I’m more likely to die within the next 24 months (and that’s an optimistic estimate without any real mitigation’s or vaccines on the market) why have I been completely isolated like this? It’s because I’m not stupid and we’re all (okay most of us) are holding out until there is an intervention. Doesn’t mean I’ll live to see it. But if I die soon, do I want my last days to be like this? I’d rather spend time inebriated, indulging in intimacy, and living up to my hedonistic nature. I’m not selfish enough to do it. Even if I’m hopeless enough to put myself at risk, a loved one depends on me to not fuck this up and I can’t take that away from her. Even if we end up taking a hit, it can’t be due to any mistakes or concessions I’ve made.

It’s 6:11am, I saw my bf drop off a present today though my window. The closest I got was one floor up, with glass between us. I can’t even explain how much that aches. I hate how common this is. I envy those who live with partners, who have pets, who aren’t high risk and who haven’t had their bodies betray them the way mine has betrayed me. Don’t mistake that for resentment, I don’t want them to not have those comforts if they have them. And I know they’re fighting their own individual battles. And sure my mom lives with me, but it took a full month of distancing before I gave her a hug, and I sat down to eat with her at the dining room table for the first time last night. And we all know familial and parental dynamics are very different from all the interactions and relationships that make life rich. I’m not saying that to discount her, I’m glad she’s here, I’m starving for the other kinds of loving interactions I just found in my life before the shift.

It’s 6:19am, this is still the wrong bed, in the wrong world, in the wrong timeline. But you know what would make this even a little bearable? Being in the right bed, then I could stomach being in the wrong world in the wrong timeline a little better. Self soothing fails after so long. I can’t fuck this up, and I can’t bare this.

I haven’t been able to touch Adrian in over a month. I haven’t seen anyone in over a month. I’ve been isolated intermittently since the beginning of the year due to multiple illnesses but really haven’t come out since February except to see him a couple times, and not at all in March except for an unavoidable store run. Other than being out once in March, I haven’t left home, haven’t seen anyone except for virtually. I’ve appreciated the non contact drop offs from delivery options, and loved the presents my friends dropped off at my front door for my birthday recently. It meant so much even though we couldn’t get together in person. I finally hugged mom after keeping distance for a few weeks to play it safe. I miss everyone. I miss all my friends, I miss hugs. I miss touch. I am so touch deprived and I aches. Most of all I miss Adrian. We game together online, watch shows together, and video chat which mean so much to me. I still miss him so bad it aches.

I see Adrian in my dreams more than I do in real life.

The circumstances are different this time. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

I’m so glad you’re here. I’m glad I get to hug you today after being careful the last few weeks. We’re both high risk but I worry so much about your exposure to the outside world right now. Its not just communicable disease, it’s also the nastiness, ignorance, and bigotry of the people. Bad enough they’re throwing parties and are protesting policies meant to keep them safe, they’re trying to blame certain demographics for a pathogen. They’re too stupid to understand something out of their control, or out of the control of others.

Being a realist, being more of a cynic and a nihilist has been rough lately. I am still me, but some parts have felt shut off for a while, like it’s in power save mode or some things are dormant right now for their preservation. I hope things get better, I hope we have a better world, we need a better world. I want a better world for you and me. I love you.

What you seek is seeking you.
If you think about, act on, and worship what is true and real and beautiful, so your life will be.

You would have been 35 today.

I miss him so much, it’s physically painful. Today I learned some new folds: the fanciest embellished heart, a heart corner bookmark, and a hexagonal letterfold. I wrote inside the hexagon and the love knot.

I love you.

I miss you.

I guess I only write in origami if I really mean it, and when you really do mean the world to me. I’ve appreciated every fold I’ve ever made and every word I’ve ever written in my past life and in the present.

“I wish you loved me enough to live.”

It took until the middle of a world pandemic to witness media that encompasses how I felt before I walked away.

Very excited for new Birthday Massacre. It’s the most excitement I’ve felt in this very trauma responsive physical shutdown I’ve been experiencing.

+ health

– emotional well-being

I am touch starved right now

isolated

Lonely

fighting hibernation mode, fatigue, brain shut off, Insomnia (not really fighting this one anymore, it’s currently 2:54am).

I can’t believe how bad the world is doing right now, and how fast we got here. But what really gets me is how part of the population understands the gravity of it and what they need to do to slow things down, while another group is congregating with other assholes in packed beaches for spring break.

No one knows what’s going to happen. I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am not okay. I want my boyfriend.

It’s 12:03am and I am struggling to keep up routines and find other ways to do things I should be doing. It’s been some mixed bag of wins and failures.

• Got a scholarship for a cert program and am currently 3 weeks ahead of deadline, but I need to stop being intermittent with my studying times and habits in general so I don’t fall behind.
• I’ve been too sedentary since kickboxing went on the back burner. I did some yoga at a local studio for a while but since moving to this team the timings not compatible with classes. I downloaded a pretty good app a friend recommended this evening and begrudgingly forced myself to do a 5 minute restorative session. It was good, it’s a really good app. I’m frustrated that I don’t really have space setup in here to really do this, but I’m trying to figure it out. I hope I start implementing more activity because I need it. I’m stiff, I need to stretch and move more. The number of spoons I normally baseline at for the day has been trending down, I need to reverse this.
• I’m still taking a shower when I log off for the night and am making sure to wear my liners before bed. I need to wear them more during the day.
• I’ve been snacking on carb heavy stuff and stress / emotionally eating way too much chocolate. I need to ration this stuff. All I could think about was this untouched ice cream in the freezer all day, instead I forced myself to go up and down the stairs a few times then go up and shower.
• I recently illustrated a picture of my meta. First time I did anything artsy (other than origami but I don’t count that) in a year. I have an online art class on hold / I should pick that back up / all online learning has been mentally reserved for the cert class.
• I keep entertaining the idea of getting to agree on an MMO so we can all make a guild and socialize in game. Sadly I don’t see this happening. Also looked into social apps that let you stream media with friends to watch at the same time. Downloaded two on the tablet, they suck. Might have to give up and try the chrome extension one.
• My sleeps weird as usual, but the troubles exacerbated by chronic nausea. I’m back in an episode right now and I think part of it has to be bad eating habits the last few days and always being inside.
  

I will need to go out soon to grab prescriptions that have refilled. There are also some food items I thought we had, but we don’t. I’ve been social distancing for almost a month now from being sick. The data and math on this pandemic is scary. I’ve been isolating at home since the beginning of the month with two exceptions, groceries, and to isolate with Adrian at his place. He was the only exception I’ve made to see in person during this time, but I had to revoke that too. I cried pretty hard the last night I saw him.

It means I won’t see anyone for a an indefinite timeframe. I thought I’d be able to go visit a friend in their residence as long as they were symptom and fever free for 72+ hours without medications. It’s not good enough. Adrian is thankfully very healthy, but he falls under that demographic who carries the virus, never develops symptoms, and still sheds viruses and passes it along to people who do get sick. It’s too risky. And I’ve never been afraid of being alone. I grew up lonely, and then I chose to be alone over dealing with bs in parts of my 20’s. That’s not fear, I just lean on the extroverted side of an ambivert configuration. I get energy around people I like, and I get drained fast when I don’t see people for days. I wish I was more resilient here.

One thing I’ve really appreciated is the video calling. It’s not the same as being in person with someone. I can’t touch Adrian, but having this option still gives a feeling of connectedness. He’s mentioned reading sessions. I’ve never had anyone just read to me, and am looking forward to it (bff’s agree, this is romantic af!). And I’m glad the things he’s given me have integrated into my morning and evening routines. Some of my favorite teas I have when I get out of bed are from him. He made sure I had my favorite edibles at home, the Lunar New Years gift he gave me had a rose body wash in it that I’ve been using for the last week, and the weighted blanket he gave me is over me right now. Everything’s so thoughtful, I am spoiled af. So while the world is scary and uncertain outside my home, inside I’m reminded of how much I’m cared for, and am trying to focus on the good things. Trying to remain safe, and trying to improve on the routines I’m starting to settle into.

I’m not doing well. I’ve been sick most of this year off and on with UTI’s and a nasty cold / upper respiratory thing followed by the worst flu ever. Despite getting the flu vaccine last year and taking Tamiflu within the first 24 hours of become symptomatic, this is the hardest mix of viral torture and fibro pain I’ve experienced in a decade. The fatigue and general feeling of heaviness has been insane. I slept most of the first 48 hours. I live in the epicenter of the COVID-19 outbreak in my country and I’ve been in the same building as a confirmed case on the same day that patient was there. I’m under quarantine for two weeks and it’s emotionally taxing on top of how emotionally taxing it’s been to be so sick and on prescription antibiotics, antivirals, fever reducers, and a bunch or other things for weeks on end.

Everything is compounding and I hurt bad. Of course depression would be kicking in hard, I’m past my threshold and out of bandwidth. Everything bled together and I cried and turned nothing into something with my boyfriend. I feel so touch deprived when I want comforts more than anything right now. I don’t get to touch him for weeks. I don’t get to hug anyone, I have to keep a physical distance from my own mother right now. I’m lonely. All I feel like doing is crying right now but it’ll make everything hurt more. It’s raining outside and that just triggers the fibro even more. It was sunny last week. Wtf. What is this combo breaker? I am an irrational mess. I need affirmations. I’m so fragile right now. I hate this. I hate being like this. I want to be told I’m still lovable despite all this baggage. I want to believe there will still be someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me I’m loved and was missed during this time. It follows past trends, it’s logical. So why am I buying into the lies my brains telling me right now? Why am I letting myself drown. I’m too tired to tread water. I need sleep. I basically need to try turning it off and back on again with my brain.

I’d been ranting about wanting to see mountain snow for a while. I get fixated on things like gluten free cinnamon rolls (I talked about it since before January 11th until we went on this wonderfully absurd adventure downtown to acquire said obsession) and then indulge, foodgasm, and eventually fixate on the next whimsical random thing. Since snow has become my new obsession after leaving my desert life, Adrian suggested taking a trip to Leavenworth. It’s this adorable af touristy town in eastern Washington modeled after traditional Bavarian towns. It’s cute af. We were thinking sometime in March but this last weekend lined up so he made it happen and we drove up.

I loved the drive, I miss long distance driving and the changing landscape through the countryside, mountains, switchbacks, and then trees and snow was gorgeous. Plus good music and my favorite company and it was everything I could have asked for. We got into town a little later than intended, due to rushing last minute errands on my side I got to his place late, so we started late (I hate how crammed my weekends get sometimes). We checked in at the Bavarian Ritz. He reserved the largest suite there. Mind. Blown. It had the biggest bed I’d ever seen, the chandeliers reminded me of Belle’s castle, this was almost like walking into my own drug fueled smut novel. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, yo. There was a faux fireplace heater thing, a bathroom, and a separate room with a huge tub in it. Gdi, I forgot the bath salts. I forgot it was mentioned until after I got there and saw the tub. But I remembered the silicone lube. Win some, lose some. But the whole thing was a win regardless.

We got settled in and ventured out to find dinner. We ended up at this Italian place and had this delicious Italian poke dish. I forgot everything that was in it, I was distracted. I had this Empress gin cocktail, it was pretty and it tasted pretty. He found a favorite whiskey, which happened the be the same one the server brought into the establishment, and was also the same one that was recommended to us at a favorite whiskey bar in SLU. We did wine tasting after, part way through I had to start sipping off of his glass because I was teetering from buzzed into drunk and needed to function. It was a very fun and engaging experience. I realize I really don’t know much about wine even though I enjoy it. Maybe I’ll learn over time with exposure. Maybe I won’t. But I’ll keep drinking it because it’s tasty.

It’s getting late and we stumble back to the hotel. It’s really not that late, and I’m the only one stumbling. This beautiful man is helping me make it back to the hotel in one piece. I desperately wanted a shower before I even left town for Leavenworth but due to time constraints decided to just deal, and shower at the hotel. I want to brush my teeth while I have some motor functionality left. Then I decide the shower is a need. We get under the hot water. This shower looks so complicated, but it’s actually really nice once we’re past the learning curve. There’s a waterfall shower head that points directly down, I won’t be able to keep my hair dry, but I brought what I needed to wash my hair anyway. There are three jets on a bar that are perpendicular… well, parallel to the wall, perpendicular to me? The bottom one was high enough to hit right between my legs if I stood right under the shower head. I think that was on purpose. It was distracting. This was a fun shower.

Intoxicated we finally get out of the shower and dry off. I appreciate that bed. That was an easy headboard to grip and lean against when I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. I threw my hitachi in my bag on a whim and am glad I made that impulse decision. This was firey firey passion. I never feel more like me than I do here. Completely unfiltered, unconditional, in love, happy, indulgent, amplified. The intermittent failures in motor control end up comical or annoying depending. I was still on prescriptions this evening too so stopping to eat and take meds was a pain but we managed. I broke down a lot of barriers in practice I’d only absolved in theory. It was very vulnerable and intense. It was connected and healing. This is space I’m grateful I could co-create and share in.

I’d made an amusing comment probably around 3 or 4am (I’m guessing) about how the rest of the hotel probably thinks we’re on our honeymoon. He said in a way we were, and that he went all out on room because of recent declarations. I don’t remember the exact wording / that’s the best I can paraphrase but I almost bsod’d hearing that. This was my bliss. I needed another shower, I stood under the hot water for a while and it felt so good. Everything was heavy and spent and exhausted but in such a good and satisfying way. I just wanted to keep going. My nerves flip a switch and go in reverse. Instead of pain, it’s all pleasure and I’m greedy. I want to indulge in it as much as possible because I know when I go to sleep and wake up, I’ll reset back to “normal.” Or maybe this is normal, it’s always under the surface. It’s like eva’s armor. It’s not to protect it, it’s to control it. This intoxication is basically me in berserk mode. Sleeping and eating are after thoughts, if they’re ever considered. I’m reminiscing hard despite censoring and redacting a lot.

So the next morning (lol), we picked back up where we left off, we showered, we went out and found breakfast while I watched people to see if anyone noticed (and was offended by) my kinky nun atheist shirt. We went to the most amazing tea shop and I found a new favorite mocha mate, got a genmaicha, chai masala, and whites chocolate truffle blend. I’m so fucking spoiled. We didn’t have it in us to check out the Cheesemonger place (too rich? Too heavy? At that moment) so we drove back home and I got to enjoy the landscape. We cuddled and started the new season of Altered Carbon. Friggin amazing. Definitely off the third book and not the second. Definitely nothing like the book except for like two details so far, but still incredible content.

Bliss.

I feel like I have too much to write about / gush about / write out of my system and I’m not sure if I want to do some messy anti-format tangenty thing or post them separately. It’s 1:31am, I’m sleepy and in bed, but my brain won’t let me sleep until I get at least some of this down.

I was sick through the first half of the month, first with an upper respiratory infection, and then a secondary sinus infection. It involved two doctors visits, a slew of prescriptions, missed work, and a very rough recovery.

I planned a surprise for Valentines Day. It was the first time in 8 years since I celebrated and was excited af to plan things and share this time with someone I love. And I was sick. I canceled or rescheduled so many things, it was super busy (it’s always busy but this was excessive) first couple of weeks so there was a lot of shuffling things around. I had tickets to the midnight show at Can Can and booked a corner room at the Hyatt Regency so we didn’t have to worry about driving home after the show. I picked up an HDMI adapter for my iPad in case we wanted to watch or listen to anything, and I requested a late checkout.

Luckily I was able to move everything to this last weekend. I picked Saturday since we were doing a different weekend and it would be easier. Hyatt’s getting fancy with being able to check in, get into your room, and check out with your phone. I wore one of my favorite dresses and went more vintage than goth. The Can Can was a lot of fun, it’s burlesque but it has comedy and variety in it, and everything was pretty.

Adrian told me he loved me. At first I was sure I heard it right but wasn’t sure if I’d hallucinated it in some wishful cross faded stupor. He’d confirmed and I almost had an aneurysm I was so happy. I shared the thing I wrote on here in November and every word feels the same now like it did when I wrote it. This is a dream in my waking life. I’m not afraid of waking up and losing anything. I’m looking forward to being a snow bunny in Leavenworth with him this weekend.

There’s so much other stuff on my mind, work stuffs, health, my hiring manager asking about someone who used to work at my last company, my phone still autocorrects Jösh after all this time.. aaaaand I just blanked even though I know there’s other stuff. But I don’t feel like including all that on this so I’ll pick back up later. Maybe.

This is a huge and ongoing life lesson. I’ve had to learn to let go of a lot of grief, anger, and heartbreak when those I’ve been madly in love with, and who were madly in love with me couldn’t meet me on the bridge. I’ve learned it doesn’t diminish or nullify what we experienced and it’s okay to love from a distance. I have not kept fear in my heart to step on that bridge again, even though I’m still unprogramming occasional feelings that truly good things are fleeting. Sometimes I am afraid I’ll wake up and discover all the wonderful things that have come into my life were just a dream, which confirms what I’m holding close to my heart, and that I still have work to do so I can relax and feel secure within myself. None of this doubt has come from external sources recently, it’s residual from the past and I’m slowly and steadily unfucking myself. I’m learning to not worry about making longevity a focal point and to put being present and in the moment first. I’m also grateful I can walk in this world knowing I will find that love in many forms. There will be many “loves of my life,” and we’ll find each other on the bridge in time. Just some unfiltered unformatted things I’ve been thinking about for a while.

Did all the things I could think of to try and get ahead of this virus. I’m not even sure what I’m working with yet. The worst part is how bad my throat feels (like gargling broken glass), so I did the hot shower, gargling salt water, ginger lemon juice and cayenne shot, ibuprofen, had some green juice to buffer that, ginger tea, vitamins, and am tucked into bed. I ache. But the throat is the worst. Actually maybe it’s the bloating, my whole system is freaking out so I guess it’s time to take the “have you tried turning it off and on again?” step with my system.

My love is also sick, and working late at night this week. I wish we could just hibernate, stay wrapped in blankets, drink tea, sleep, cuddle, and take the time to recover. おやすみ, 大好きです ?

Cause you know I would die if I won’t live

I guess it’s been really busy and I’ve been quiet. I’ve been spending as much time with Adrian as possible during his winter break. We’ve been going out, staying in, playing video games, watching anime, scifi movies, eating delicious food, cuddling, and having lots and lots of sex. I’m so happy. He felt me have a full body spasm when I was under him & I didn’t even know I could do that. I’m still learning about myself and what things work for me. Last weekend we went to a Fire and Ice party a friend threw. I was a little nervous since it had been years since I went to a house party and didn’t really know many people there but everyone was really nice and the general vibe was great. He tied me up and then another couple came into the area and did some shibari work. We ended up leaving to grab food and found an impressive whiskey bar that serves really good food late night.

Last night we went out to SIN and we were both hot af. My attire and look in general have gotten better over the years and it feels so good to go out dancing and flirting with someone you love in a goth and kink friendly venue. Also it’s reeeeally fun to watch him dance, he’s a really good dancer. I’m so happy I can dance with him (even though he’s way better than me). Some time last night… or maybe this morning, he made a comment about me not being in this world or something like that when I was under him. He was right, and I hadn’t realized it until he pointed it out. I was endorphin flooding so hard. I’m so enamored, I can’t physically react like this without such a strong connection. This, and everything else that goes along with it has felt like a dream come true. I’m incredibly grateful that I can live authentically and love someone without limits, AND I have the most incredible meta ever. I’m glad we got to do a spa thing together this weekend. She’s been reassuring me when I’ve had concerns and she’s checked in with me periodically.

I’m sad our schedules are going back to normal tomorrow. I know we’ll do our best to make time for each other when possible, but I’m really hoping our schedules line up a little better sooner than later. I also haven’t felt like I’ve had the bandwidth to date others while we’re still curating our relationship. I think once it’s transitioned into a long lasting dynamic I’ll feel like I’ll be more open, but for right now I’m indulging in that NRE. I mean it, and the associated chemicals that go with it, are there to enjoy for a reason right?

I’ve been causing some of my own internal grief with questioning myself and what’s “okay,” but he always reassures me and makes me feel cared for even though I’ve kept this grief to myself. I’ve also noticed there’s a bit of struggle inside. I’m more comfortable with accepting all of my emotions in general, but have realized the more I love and become more comfortable with Adrian, the less I fight the love I still hold for Josh. Both still exist and they don’t conflict with each other, it’s just an influence I didn’t see coming. I’m allowing myself to feel full spectrum again even if it hurts sometimes or leaves me wistful. I’m still unprogramming abandonment issues, breadcrumbing, and generally feeling like I’m “too much” little by little and started unpacking it with my therapist. Hopefully as things develop I’ll be able to settle into it without anxiety telling me it’s temporary. He’s never said or done anything to make me believe that, it’s just internal voices and my history’s influence, and I need to get better.

I figured out how I wanted to express this. Earlier this morning I felt like I was lost for a couple moments and you caught it immediately, stopped, and brought me back.

I haven’t come up against a trigger like that, in that way before, and I’m still a little emotionally raw from it but I’m in a good headspace. You found a limit and handled it beautifully and I appreciate you, and love you more because of it.

I can’t believe I’m writing this, for the first time since 2012 I’m officially partnered. I adore him so much, he’s given me so much peace and space to express things I’ve kept inside for a long time. I can’t believe I have a meta that’s this incredible, she mentioned she was rooting for me lol. It was really nice to sit around, drink coffee, and play games at the kitchen table with everyone, these are like the fairytale ideal polycule setups you read about online that supposedly exist, and then you insta fall for someone and suddenly you’re playing Sushi Go!

I feel like I’m just beaming right now. There’s been a lot of difficult stuff going on for a while but I feel like with all of this care and time spent together, that I’m better equipped to handle what’s going on. We met at the end of October and kind of made our “debut” out last night. My meta said it was very fitting that this debut involved a goth night and then venue hopping to an EDM night. I appreciate that, it’s a fair call out. 🙂 After the second venue we went next door for pizza and he expressed concern about me cheating with gluten but I decided to go for it and ate a little more than half of a gigantic slice of veggie pizza and it was delicious. He mentioned it’s not one he would have gone for until I went for it and at first I was like ??? and was all but it’s got banana peppers and- and he mentioned it was the onions and smell and that could bother some people but if we’re eating the same thing it doesn’t matter and I was like ohhhhhh, and said I’ve been single for so long I hadn’t even thought about it. This is when he pointed out I’m not single anymore. I had a momentary mental bsod. We’re gonna eat whatever we want / idgaf about onions on pizza. ?

Ugh, this is the gothic perfection I called out at the beginning of November. He’s gorgeous and kind, considerate, emotionally available, giving, and I’m grateful he likes me too and the chemistry’s been amazing. I’m so happy we’re exploring this, there’s so much I want to share and experience together.