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I’ve been on some really shitty dates, on the rare occasions I’m willing to subject myself to them.. but how the fuck are they dates if you never accepted them in that context to begin with?  So there are four Joshes in my life, idk how that happened, and they are ranked.  #4 came to visit me.  This is the guy I randomly hit on online that one time back in the day, since we had mutual friends, and he was like 300 ish miles away and I thought well, we’re never gonna meet in person and it’s the internet so I have free license to do whatever I want.. which I usually wouldn’t do something online I’m not willing to do in person, and I didn’t really do anything that bad anyway.  Turns out we both worked for the same company at the same time and never saw each other or I can’t remember, and we know a loooot of the same people and became fb friends and had been interacting online for months.  Things seem pretty legit so far.  He decides to visit Vegas and mentions it and I’m like cool we can hang out.  There is no expectation.  I absolutely hate it when there is some context or expectation people place on themselves, the other party, or the situation.

He asked if there was anything in particular I’d been wanting to see or do and I mentioned Penn & Teller so he made it happen.  The night before he drove up he sent me this vague text about trying to figure out a loose plan about what we wanted to do during his visit and he guessed we’d figure out food and “getting to know each other.”  I fucking hate that term.  There are certain phrases I get en masse online from people and some really annoy me, that’s one of them.  One of my peeves for years has been when people have a “quick question” for you, whatever the hell that is.  It doesn’t exist.  A question  is a question, dear lord, just ask the damn question.  So this “getting to know each other” is the personal interaction equivalent to asking a “quick question.”  stfu.  This already hit a nerve before he got here and it was kind of a flag he threw context and exceptions on something somewhere, but I was all whatever.  I can overlook this, it’s such a common thing people say, no matter how stupid it is, and I already said I’d chill this weekend, and I hate being a flake, and it’s the day before.

So after work we meet and check into the suite and start trying to figure out food.  He has no appreciation for tea or coffee.  I am confused.  He goes on to explain he was a picky eater as a child and didn’t grow out of it, never developed an appreciation for bitter flavors, and some other things.  I am so thrown off by this. He’s anti sushi.  I think I made a face here I couldn’t control.  But he said he was okay with Japanese food.  We get curry, he ends up confirming he doesn’t like curry. *mind blown*…  He has this old brown leather jacket and straw colored cowboy hat.  I’ve never seen either online that I can remember.  Oh god, we never discussed music.  He seems okay with metal though.  Try to associate with Rob Zombie.  He has long hair and facial hair.  Try, try, fail.  He also doesn’t smell pleasant to me but it’s not a constant thing.  Maybe it’s the jacket or the shoes, maybe it’s a chemical mismatch and his pheromones are a big NOPE to me.  At least this is subtle, until any benchmark of the libido I normally have at all times suddenly plummets.  While intoxicated he makes a general comment about my “cute nighty.”  Who says nighty?  I am irked.  Earlier he referenced the really nice suite we were in as a motel.  I have terrible flashbacks of the red neck one night stand who wouldn’t go away.  We spend the rest of the evening chatting and watching Hunter X Hunter.  I pass out.  He does some bs kinda sorta cuddle thing and I can’t stand any half assery or lack of confidence.  I grab his arm and pull him over.  I am assertive, I really need the same to take anyone serious,  I hope my actions elicit some kind of confidence or my actions are at least mirrored.  I’m seriously wondering if there is anything redeeming or if this is truly a lost cause and sneak a check on my hip… he’s not happy to see me, or I can’t fucking tell.  I can’t put up with even the potential for bad sex or I might kill someone on principle.  I go to sleep.

Late Saturday morning we wake up and I’m trying to figure out brunch.  We end up at the Perch and enjoy many mimosas and foods.  This was a positive.  We walk around Fremont day drunk and do the stereotypical thing and he gets a cigar and gets me cloves saying he’d keep the rest of the pack since I only wanted one.  Feels and smells like gothy gothy sin.  We end up at the toy store in Container Park and I fall madly obsessed for this Pusheen plushy.  I must have it.  He offers to purchase it for me, I keep declining until he caves.  We run through the store and I find Hogwarts lanyards, gleefully exclaiming how much the Slytherin one reminded me of my friend Gina.  So I genuinely forgot he knew her and they were friends on fb, I forgot they used to date.  So he asks “Gina C—-?” and I’m all yeah!  “remember the ex girlfriend who left me at Pax?  Yeah that was Gina.”  Ohhhhhhh…… *crickets*  That was fucking awkward.  He told me the story but I didn’t know it was Gina.  So when I said “wow what a bitch!”  I didn’t know I was calling my friend a bitch… uhhh.  Try to salvage that conversation but deep down I don’t really care.  Purchase my Pusheen, leave.  As we’re walking he has his hand on my back between my shoulder blades.  This feel bad, again it’s half ass and it’s light touch.  Also we don’t have that rapport or friendship dynamic, that was the whole point of the weekend, to develop it organically.  I will hold hands and walk down the street with friends, or hold on to someone’s arm while we walk around *if* we’ve established that.  Also, the way he was doing it was like some subtle attempt in public to look like he’d established his way in my life in some fashion, like I’m off limits, or just something.  It was annoying.  I walked a little faster.  His hand dropped, he put it back.  I moved to the right, it dropped again and he put it back, I think three times.  I’m quickly weighing it in my head thinking it’s not worth being a bitch over but at the same time how much annoyance am I willing to put up, and I have to decide and set limits now before I blow up and bite his head off.  As soon as that through processed I turn and say “Can you not?”  I couldn’t even finish the sentence.  I’m still not sure what would have come after that.  But he dropped his hand and he got the message.  We walked around more until we were sober and exhausted and went back to the hotel.  I had to nap, I was fighting fibro pain and fatigue.  He came to lay down next to me.  I wanted to tell him he didn’t have to, he could just watch tv or play games, he brought his PS3 with him which was cool, but I didn’t even have the effort to verbalize such things so I passed out.  When I woke up we had to start figuring out food before the show.  I asked what he felt like and he didn’t know, of course it was up to me.  I asked him what he wanted to do, he made some passive statement about wondering what my pussy tasted like, and I was all noooo I’m not feelin it.  We were walking around Fremont all day and I’m not all golden down there.  I’m pulling for any excuse at this point.  He said “I don’t care.”

….

EXCUSE ME?! The desperation.  Of all the wrong things to say.  Everything is going sideways.  It has been since Thursday.  Okay so 1. that’s like asking permission or asking “what would happen if I kissed you right now?”  What a turn off.  If you’re not in tune with non verbal communication, if you’re being well received, and you can’t pick up the nuances in your interactions with someone, nothing is going to help you.  It’s probably not going that well.  2.  This goes back to that lack of confidence and inability to be assertive.  3.  The best rebound would have been to politely suggest a shower or hot back, or to join me and scrub my back, or suggest we could get each other clean… have some clean fun, whatever.  I still would have said no.  But in general that would have been the best way to turn it around and idk… check yourself before you wreck yourself.  So I have to figure out dinner.  We get pho, he really really likes the Vietnamese beef carpaccio.  Thank Satan.  He mentions how much of a carnivore he is.  Cool story bro?  We get to the Rio and see Penn & Teller.  This is a damn good show, the tricks are fun, sometimes I felt like I was in atheist church and felt very at home, there was even a song with Laurence Krauss in it!  I am a huge fan.  There was one trick exposing how cold readings worked and books were being passed around the audience.  The third book ended up on his lap.  He went up on stage!  He was actually cool about it and got the envelope with the paper to take as a souvenir, that was really awesome.  We drive up the strip after so he sees it, I explained it’s better than walking it and he missed nothing.  We go back to the room and watch more Hunter X Hunter.

It’s Sunday, and idfk what to do.  I ask what he feels like, he says  “I don’t know” for the millionth time.  I keep thinking of different things but keep circling back to Mon Ami Gabi because of the buttery buttery steak.  Through this food circle in my head I discover while he doesn’t partake in my preferred method of caffeine consumption, which is fine, he’s apparently very fond of energy drinks.  Which I find absolutely disgusting.  I have one, the white monster, at the start of a cross state road trip.  So like once or twice a year, and that’s only sometimes.  It’s processed junk. But to consume that on the daily and in quantity.  I start to wonder if this is why even though it’s subtle, this why I find his scent unpleasant.  It’s all processed and chemically.   While describing the baked goat cheese and tomato thing Jovi got me hooked on, he mentions his dislike of goat cheese.  I immediately call that out and confirmed he’d only had feta and that’s nothing like what I’m talking about.  The thing I’m talking about is like your love of pizza x 1000, and then still better.  It’s one of the best cheats ever.  To his credit, despite all the “I don’t knows” over the entire weekend, whenever I came up with an idea, he never shot it down and just went for it.  He completely trusted my suggestions despite not enjoying the first one.  So we end up at the only place on the strip I feel is worth the hassle to visit and get the amazing dish and the buttery buttery steak.  While looking at drinks I asked if we wanted to share a carafe of something and he was cool with it, then I decided not to do it since I was already gluten cheating that day.  He then said if I was abstaining he would.  Nah… that makes no sense.  I told him just because I wasn’t drinking doesn’t mean he had to skip, it’s his vacation and if he wanted moscato, or that ginger and jack thing he’d been drinking he should go for it… and then he said something along the lines of thanks for letting him know he could get whatever he wanted and how usually the other person doesn’t try to control him “until after we’ve slept together.” Whoa.  I’m pretty sure that was A) a shot at his ex(es), B) an indirect shot at me (btw you can’t put kindness coins in until sex falls out), and  C) that was passive aggressive and awkward as fuck.  So here I am backpedaling that bomb, making general statements like no one should try to control anyone at anytime regardless of anything.  Really… I should have let him drown.  I shouldn’t have said anything after that or tried to help him out.  But this is Mon Ami Gabi dammit and awesome food is about to come out and this is a really nice restaurant so, so I’ll do it to save the brunch.  I can’t even remember how I rebounded form that.  He ended up really enjoying the baked goat cheese tomato thing.  Because it’s amazing.  I asked him what his plans were after that, and we were already checked out of the hotel so I was hoping he was ready to go back home so I could go home and have some of my weekend to myself.  He said he was hoping to spend the next few hours with me unless I was planning on just leaving after this.  I asked what he wanted to do though, he didn’t know.  I said even my spontaneous voodoo was finite.  Then I thought about a movie and we went to go see The Martian.  It’s a really good movie, and it was later in the afternoon when we got out.  After chatting about how much we liked the film he started complaining about how the science started going downhill in the movie.  I said that’s pretty much Hollywood but just appreciate the movie for what it was.  He follows me to the gas station since he needed to fill up.  We part ways.  I’m almost home.  Omfg.

So had we of met before this I never would have thought of him as a potential for a fwb.  He’s fine to hang out with, in small doses.  I can’t take him seriously for multiple reasons.  There are personality clashes, and obviously my own biology is telling me to run for it.  There’s a tilt on idk if it’s cynicism, and every intelligent person has a healthy dose of that, but he was just negative, and unsure.  The personality thing, the lack of the things mentioned previously, and the failed attempts to compensate.  I said this was a time to chill and figure our dynamic out, not to put pressure or expectations on things.  He obviously failed that.  It’s not like I’m perfect,  I’m very very far from it, and very aware of my flaws, but this doesn’t work.  It’s not fun.  For an entire weekend, it’s painfully exhausting and I was drained.  Even if there was no sexual chemistry, or it was one sided, we still could have had a lot of fun without the awkward shit.  Some parts were still fun but it took more effort than it should have.  I reimbursed him for my ticket, he covered Friday night’s dinner so I covered Saturday.  We split the check Sunday morning.  I wanted everything to be equal.  I wanted to go dutch, I didn’t need any context here.  Just chill with me.  Lord.  I love Lo’s comment on how some people “didn’t pass the audition” and that’s why they don’t get a call back.  He never had the chance to audition in the first place.  I mentioned this to Tyler and he said it sounded like a beta male met an alpha female.  That’s not terminology I use but it cracks me up.  There’s probably some truth in his statement.  Whatever.

Just wanted to throw a little update in here.  Been enjoying crafting a bit for Halloween.  I finished my ghosties and they’re ready to hang up tomorrow.  Cut out over half the bats from the black card stock I purchased, need to gather a couple more things.  Tea lights are in from Amazon tomorrow.  This is my first year getting to do this so I’m going all out in my last minute spontaneous capacity.  I *might* be overdoing this a little but it’s my first run so I wanna do it justice even if it’s not perfect, and I feel like I’m making up for all those years I didn’t get to do this as a kid/teenager/broke early 20-something goth chick.

Got homework done this weekend too.  Oh snap.

Oh yeah,  last night was Anne wifey’s Halloween party.  There was lots of alcohol and food, she really went for it.  I had a good time running around as death, and the 80’s hair would have done goth mom proud.  I wouldn’t have made it that high up if it weren’t for her teaching me. My hairs so fluffy I threw it up in a loose pony tail with a clip today, and I could spend a good 20 minutes just trying to wash all the aquanet (and fresh purple dye) out in the shower, or just dump more aquanet and go death rock tomorrow since it’s Halloween week, or try pulling some Blade Runner Rachael hair.  Idk yet.

Everyone is whining and freaking out over tonight’s TWD episode.  I should prolly hit that up now then pass out.  Oh and this is funny cause TWD got dumped on IT as a theme, well the same thing happened to sales. Everyone is gonna be a zombie.

I had no dreams to write about.  They’ve all been super stressful and related to work, or dealing with exes, or stupid stuff, and I keep waking up with teeth pain like I’m grinding teeth or clenching my jaw.  Have I mentioned that on here recently?

Today’s the first day I saw snow on the mountain, I thought of you.

Woke up at 3am from a dream this spreadsheet was in my face and I was adding /checking a bunch of addresses. I was doing that 7 hours ago.

Tried to fall back asleep and kept spacing out to foreplay memories, or wants, or something.

It’s 3:30am. Not asleep yet. Dammit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqF8_UcUQdQ

I never gave up on you, I gave up on us. There’s a difference.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about many things, and I guess time never hurts.  It lets me sift through the noise, the anxiety filled tangents and what if’s my internal dialog runs through, and  it gives me the chance to observe what’s been happening between us and within myself.  Had we of continued what we started at the end of June, what I would have brought up and how I approached it would have been different than how I would have done it last month, and that’s different from how I’m approaching it today.

There was a goal to hash everything out, get answers, satisfy curiosities, and get closure in case my heart needed it.  But deep down I was hoping to figure something out.  Since I’m not so far in it like I was in June, I can see the big picture and prioritize what matters to me.  You confirmed that you loved me, and explained you loved four women, all very differently.  I believe it.  What I wanted to know was if you’re in love with me.  It matters.  Who is the love of your life now?  That answer lets me know if it’s time to give up or if it’s time to keep fighting, because I know I can, but I need to know if it’s worth it.

But of course it’s always more complicated than that.  I wanted to address something that’s chipped away at me since I read your blog pdf.  Specifically from January about not being sure if you and I would make it, but what you’re currently dealing with has outlasted everything else so you have to keep pushing.  I don’t know if you could imagine how much it hurt to read that, that you would write us off as a possibility so quickly.  Don’t cling to a mistake because you spent a lot of time making it.  Change it for yourself.  If that’s the only reason why you’re there, you have no reason to be there.  Also,  I thought it was implied but maybe I never said it, so here it is.  I don’t want tomorrow, or a week, a year, or a few years.  When I’m in something, I’m in it forever.  I hope you never doubted that about me.  When I wanted to make long term plans I wanted you in them, forever.  I want forever.  There is no expiration date there, no exit plan, nor was there ever a desire for one.

I came to the realization there would always be “reasons.”  I understand things don’t change over night, but we are ultimately in control of our own destinies and small choices will eventually lead to big changes.  Your choices have not brought you closer to me over time.  I thought I wasn’t worth it to you, or  maybe I am but you haven’t been able to take a step back to see what’s going on and what you are doing.  You’ve never had to fight for me, and that’s because I don’t believe anyone should make it hard for someone who loves them to be with them.  I’ve been fighting for you, because of these circumstances, alone.  You can say you never meant for anything to happen, then follow up with “but it didn’t stop it from happening.”  We both made decisions not to walk away.  We can’t be in denial about the fact that there is something between us that pulls us toward each other.  I’m not the kind of person to run from it.  I had wished we met at the right time in our lives, or not at all.  Then I realized that was wrong.  It’s never perfect, and we are never ready.  But those who take the biggest leaps get the biggest rewards in life.

Now I know that I am worth it, and so much more.  The problem isn’t me, and I shouldn’t have to push like this.  I wouldn’t want it to be that way anyway.  I am not waiting. There is no pending conversation, but if you have questions you’re welcome to ask.  I will not push for you to change a thing.  I don’t doubt that you love me.  Never doubt my love for you.  I know you’re not ready for me.  I love you enough to not be in a codependent relationship with you, or to let us compromise who we are.  I thought I would always be last in your life because you care too much about image.  Because you put others before me.  I will always be last because you will always put everything else before yourself.  You’ve always put yourself last, not me, but it’s essentially the same thing.  I hope that you choose happiness, and when you do, if you realize I’m not part of that picture, it’s okay.  Or if you choose happiness, and realize you do want to share it with me, that you’ll fight for me.

I spent a majority of the last 48 hours sleeping and eating.  Mostly sleeping, then waking up and staying awake if I’m hungry enough to gtfo of bed.  Today was a little better taking care of things.  I finished making the appointments and reservations for September,  went to my dental cleaning this afternoon, and got my ass to barre.  It was so hard, it was a sculpt class instead of a mix class I’m used to.  But that’s okay.  Went to this New Mexico food place after with Brandon and had the best chili relleno ever.  Ermahgerd.

Apparently my recovery mode is sleep mode with intermittent food breaks.  lol.  The dreams lately have been an extra special crazy with a side of wtf is wrong with my brain and why are these stress dreams more stressful than usual?  At least I’m doing better physically now and going back to work tomorrow should be business as usual.

There have been a few changes with the wedding too.  Things have been less stable for Anne since her roommate hasn’t been working and other personal things going on so she asked if I’d be super upset if she declined her invitation to the wedding and I said no.  Mel and I understand her situation and get that she has other things going on that take precedence.  Mel’s parents aren’t making it so her brother is walking her down the aisle.  Since Shaun is coming we asked him if he’d be willing to walk with me and he’s more than happy to do it, which I greatly appreciate.  Man, a bunch of close friends coming together for a very important day.  I’m glad we’re working through these crazy unexpected things, it just sucks this is happening, and so close to the wedding too.  It’s going to work out.  It’s too important not to.

I’m binge watching Suits today.   This week I got a raise at work and found out I was awarded a scholarship.  That email came on August 8th and I hadn’t seen it for 13 days, then I realized that was in the middle of Defcon. lol  I should be studying and maintaining my health and stuff.  I haven’t really done much of either.  I’ve broken physically under stress on Thursday, dealt with it, and finished the week out yesterday.  I thought maybe I needed to do something different to reset and go back on a better routine so I looked into going out and found Kaskade was at XS, then got on the list, then was too tired to deal and just slept… and while catching up on sleep is important and good… lacking the motivation to do anything on my personal time is bad.  I just had a couple of wins, why am I depressed?  At this rate it’s not going to matter and I’m gonna fail.  Wednesday’s deadline to test is impossible now.  I need to pick another date and stick to it but I’m not sure what date is reasonable vs what I’ll take advantage of and continue to be stuck like this.  I keep beating myself up about what I haven’t done previous days, decide when I wake up this is the fresh start and to take it day by day… then don’t do anything.  I’m depressed about other things.. but I’m kind of over typing.  Next episode.

So I woke up this morning feeling like death.  Thought that first sentence would be a great follow up / contrast to the title.  Yeah… Anyway, epic amounts of stress + bad sleep + bad eating habits since the con + family drama llama + work drama llama + drama llama = bad fibromyalgia flare up.  I wanted to call in and just sleep it out of my system… but Monday is the day I’m in the temp space and it’s a pain in the ass getting it covered if you’re out and I feel like stuff won’t be done as well when I’m gone and it makes more work.. so I just go and do it.  It was lightheaded and feeling terrible and freezing so after the meeting I decided to thaw out in the car in glorious 109 degree weather.. it’s the only time this is acceptable.. and look up coffee and tea places nearby.  I find a place called Serenade and walk in to Kpop… it’s a Korean cafe… nothing is gluten free, apparently the macarons aren’t or the lady just didn’t know what I was talking about or wasn’t sure and didn’t want to risk anything so she flat out said no.  I ordered the ruby sipper tea and it’s a pretty pink tea and it’s floral and there’s an orange taste and I don’t hate it.

It came on this cute stand with hearts and a tealight candle in the middle… I see what they did there.  I chilled and had tea and was good being out of the office for an hour and this guy walks in and I’m trying to place him.  He has my attention.  Why the fuck does he have my attention?  He sits down at another table and then I notice he’s wearing a mofo Throbbing Gristle tshirt! Wat?!  Seriously, I’m sure I can count how many times Throbbing Gristle has come up in conversation over the years with friends who are music encyclopedias on one hand.  Holy obscurity.  So there it is… Throbbing Gristle and Skinny Puppy are the founders to a genre I hold near and dear to my little black heart.  So I say “dude.”  Nothing… he kinda looks up and I’m all “hey, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone with a Throbbing Gristle shirt before.”  Or something like that.  He seemed really surprised I knew them… like reeeeeeeally surprised.  He seemed delighted.  I mentioned the Houjobb and Alter Der Ruine show on September 15th I wanna go to desperately in Phoenix.. it’s a weekday, I am sad.  We’re pseduo yelling not yelling a conversation while trying to talk over the crappy Kpop… it wasn’t good Kpop.. it was crappy this Kdrama needs a better soundtrack Kpop.  So I ask him if I’m coming over there or if he’s moving to my table.  He grabs his things and sits at my table.  I find out he’s from DC and is in PR.  His name is Nick.  I talk about the Phoenix scene and how it’s sister scenes to LA since they’re decent sized.. and I wondered why Vegas wasn’t part of it until I moved here and then it all became clear why shit never worked out here.  We talked music, the places we came from, current work.  We added each other on fb.

I just happened to be at the temp space today, and happened to look up a place for tea… that happened to be a Korean cafe… that he just started to frequent 2 weeks ago since we’re in his neighborhood.  My life was officially a Kdramedy this afternoon.  Mission accomplished.

Everything is wrong, I have a bad headache.  I haven’t been this depressed and emotionally lost in a while.  Every aspect of my life is upside down again. This isn’t like August 2012 bad, or September 2013 bad… yet.  Why is it always around this time of year? Home life, work life, education, personal, relationship.. it can all diaf.  I could write novels on every one of these but fuck it.  I don’t want to care about anything negative that’s happening at all because it all drags me down.  Everything. I’m tired of looking forward to the next event to get me through in the meantime instead of just being content.  I feel like as soon as I get over one major thing two more pop up.  I know that’s how life is, there will always be obstacles… but a breather would be nice… instead of fighting a hydra that won’t ever die.

I keep saying I’ll feel better when I actually study, it hasn’t happened yet.  There’s been no motivation, or I’ve been exhausted or distracted or not around.  I keep saying I’ll feel better when I go back to barre since I skipped through con week.  *head desk*

Yesterday someone who works QA for Google pointed out I listed NIN and Mt Eden under music I enjoyed and mentioned it was uncommon.  I never really thought about it until it was mentioned.  It’s hard to find people who are eclectic in similar fashion.   We went on a spontaneous late lunch / early dinner date.  I specified casual, no pressure, I’m not even going to put make up on.  We discussed food around the area and picked Zen Curry.  I got there and it was super super busy, so I signed in and chilled, then got a table.  He texted he was 2 minutes away, then came in and sat down.  He was barely audible when he said hello,  I could tell he was nervous.  Why is everyone always so nervous?  I was driving to Zen Curry thinking it’s cool to go eat with a foodie and nerd out.  I had to drive the conversation from the beginning, talking about McFadden’s since he was going there later in the day for a going away thing for two coworkers.  They were moving to Texas to start a training thing there.  We talked about what I did for work, what he did for work, where we were from, food things.  He asked if I’d been to a Cuban tapas place on the east side and I hadn’t.  He hasn’t checked it out yet and said when he was gonna go he’d hit me up since he doesn’t wanna go alone.  That’s cool.  The conversation started flowing and I think derping and rambling about nonsense usually helps people… not be all… nervous?  I don’t get it.  I try really hard not to have RBF and I would imagine I’m approachable if we’ve already had a dialogue about interests and being in the same-ish industry.  He said if it wasn’t too forward the invite was open for me to join him at McFadden’s with his group and I said sure.

We chilled at his place around the corner from Chinatown until we went to McFadden’s.  He was kind enough to DD.  His group was… different.  Idk.  They seem like a nice group and I’m sure working with them is fun, but it’s not like the dynamic I have with my group, and we’ve had group things at McFadden’s previously so this was weird. A lot of people really suck at giving handshakes even though they’re initiating them.  Random observation.  Peeps are also kind of arms distance guarded.  I’m not used to getting that vibe upon initially meeting people.  The other day I stayed at a friend’s house and was told I am hard to read.  I said but I’m pretty transparent, and they said “dear, you are transparent on the surface, you are much more complex on the things that really matter.”  Or something like that.  I know that’s an exact quote before the second comma.  They also made the observation that upon meeting someone I can place them very quickly.  Which I know is true.  They also said something happened to me at some point in my life that was the catalyst for why I do these things, and it’s preservation, and I don’t necessarily know how I do it, I just do.  It’s intuition, and it’s been spot on.  I think it’s funny this came up days ago since I pretty much knew where I was placing my date when he walked into the restaurant and sat down yesterday.  I like him, he’s nice.  I will never date him.  I would like his friendship and offers of foodie adventures.  I started thinking about him as a candidate for a couple spots we have open on the team.  Seriously, TSO was all “I need you to find two contractors.” on Friday and I was all well this might be one.  He has a background in tech support and is doing QA and auditing and this company has a partnership with Google. I know he wants to move away from QA into a more technical position and he has common sense and I have more faith and interest in him professionally.  This was hilarious.  At McFadden’s he introduced me to his friend who used to work for Apple and has more of a hardware / tech background.  He’s very interested in the company.  I told them to email me their resumes.  If I get them both, I will print them and hand them to TSO in person on Monday and be like here you go, you wanted two contractors.  Then drive over to the building I’m supposed to be at Monday.  There’s something about doing it in person that adds to the amusement.  Goes out on casual lunch date, comes back with two resumes.  Dating is kind of like interviewing.  Fuck.  Interviewing is kind of like a date to determine if the company likes you, but more importantly if you’re going to like the company.

I was introduced to two chicks who worked at the company, er, kinda introduced myself.  It was intermittent between being introduced and going up to people myself.  Also, the women have firmer handshakes then the men.  Wtf happened.  I mean bravo to the women but still.  The DJ said  it was some chick’s birthday and for the other chicks to go to the bars for free shots.  One of the chicks said she wanted another girl to go with her and I said sure and asked the Apple guy if he wanted me shot, he said yeah.  We go to the bar and what I didn’t realize was the girls had to get up on the bar and dance.  Fml.  I already said sure I’d go with her, without. realizing. that.  So we’re up on the bar dancing to the shittiest trap and awkward high school reminiscent school dance playlist the DJ could come up with.  Either he sucks, or he’s a sadist and he’s doing a great job.  Idk wtf I’m doing.  I hate the music.  I just move and stuff.  After terribad sexist bar ritual is over we’re handed blue shots, I take a sip… it’s stupid sweet.  It looks like an adios muthafucka but it isn’t.  I hand shot to Apple guy.  Two guys help me down the bar.  Date says he’s calling bs on my earlier statements I don’t know how to dance.  I explain I don’t know formal dance, and feel like a fool when I dance anywhere out of my element, but have fun with it.. usually.  I can dance in my element, at a goth industrial night.  That’s the only time I don’t have to know what I’m doing because it just flows.  Anyway,  we were going to have a group go next door to Blue Martini but only three of us made it over for hookah and drinks.  It was stupid loud and kind of alright so we were trying to figure out the next venue and  I found out Scarlet was happening at the Artifice.  It’s been a while since I’ve been to a goth night so I mentioned it.  We were walking out when Apple guy notices a girl he’s seeing in line to go into the place with another guy.  He decides to stay.  Date fills me in on drama llama… I think it’s a bad idea, but he decided to stay behind to see what’s going on.  Good luck Apple guy.

Other member of our group left with someone else.  Plans were falling apart.  He was still willing to check out the goth night but I said I didn’t wanna drag him out.  He said it was up to me, and I explained I normally would have been asleep by this hour.  So we went back to his place and talked for a while.  I was trying to sober up but was so tired.  He hesitated and finally asked what I was looking for.  I said okay that’s an interesting topic and since he brought it up he could start.  Then he said no he asked me first… this is a crappy loop I don’t wanna get stuck in.  He said stuff I can’t remember, it was vague.  I asked him how long he’d been single and he said since April.  I asked him how long his longest relationship was and he said like 8 months.  I explained technically I’d been single since 2013, emotionally I’ve been single since August 2012.. so three years on the dot now.  I called that 2013 blip the one night stand that wouldn’t go away.  Very accurate.  I also explained how I’ve never taken anything seriously and never looked for anything specific, and haven’t ruled anything out, because as soon as I said I wouldn’t do something, a week later something would happen where I’d want to do the thing I said I didn’t want to do.  It’s my life.  So I don’t omit anything.  He was like, okay so case by case? And I was all yeah! Exactly.  He said he was pretty much on the same page but then asked about the potential work thing, like if that means I’m off limits.  He then admits the attraction is really strong, at least on his side.  I’m having deja vu now.  I used TBBT analogy of fwb being ice cream with sprinkles on top.  I said look you have a solid thing that’s predictable and you know what to expect from it, and I’m an abstract thing with no promises.  I said I never planned on settling roots here and am not in a position emotionally to be with anyone.  Then I said if I were you I’d take the money.  Go for the linear over the abstract.  Idk if that made sense, I said it drunk.  Sober… idk if it makes sense.  But I hope it got the idea across?  He said he was still contemplating which option and was torn, then asked if he kissed me what would happen?  I deflected that, and forgot how.

It was super late, he asked if I needed a little sleep before heading home and I said yeah.  He said the couch was obviously open and so was his bed.  I said well then, we crashed out.  He very carefully stayed on his side of the bed, on the edge.  I didn’t plan to stay out and hadn’t packed anything so I slept in my clothes.  Once of the few times I woke I noticed he was facing me but carefully staying out of my space, another time he was facing his side again.  That’s the thing, he was so careful and delicate the couple times he’d place a hand on my back to direct me somewhere, or be friendly, or whatever, there was a complete lack of assertiveness.  Which was disappointing.  I was talking to work wifey on Friday about her issues on being touched delicately and how it was impacting her relationship.  I made the realization after she said it that every time a man has touched me, held me, grabbed me, put his arm around me, whatever, it’s been assertive.  It’s not half in, or hesitant.  I don’t remember the last time I dealt with this, I’m not even sure I did in high school really.  There’s this habit we have to adjust our pace to the person we’re interacting with. When someone pushes you push back.  When someone backs off you back off.  When someone is delicate and cautious with me, I started to realize my instinct was to be cautious and then I thought wait, that’s not what I normally do, what just happened?  It was confusing. It was off putting.  I  mean, I know this was coming from him being unsure and nervous but that’s just the thing.  At my age I don’t have the patience or the desire to teach anyone anything outside of technology.. and maybe origami.  But if they’re not there, it’s not gonna happen.  He’s a few years younger too, and I was hesitant to meet up but the goal was originally food and conversation.  Now he’s apparently really attracted to me and I’m thinking oh honey, you need to move with purpose, and you need someone on your level to help you get there.  Or you need to just get there.  A string of questions was going through my mind when we were still talking on the couch.  I wondered… was I like this at 23? No.  21 even?  No.  Am I really that intimidating?  This still blows my mind.  I went on a tangent and just messed up this timeline but don’t really know how to separate everything so I’ll go back to the morning.  He was facing away and I thought he’d never get the hint that it’s okay to put his arm around me.  I’m cool cuddling with friends.  So I thought maybe he’d get it through example and something would click.  I snuggled up behind him and put my arm around him.  He moved a little and seemed content.  Later my other arm was falling asleep and I hugged him and turned to lay on my back.  He eventually turned to face me but still kept the same cautious.. I don’t know and I don’t understand because I can’t relate to it. I was finally awake enough to drive home and got up, he woke up and walked me out.  I hugged him and he hugged back in a cautious very little movement kinda way.  I swear I’m not made of fire.

I feel bad for wifey, when she describes her bf being cautious.. I hope it’s not this bad.  I know he’s been out of state for a while because of university and I hope he snaps out of it quickly before she goes crazy.  I can’t deal with it.  I srsly hope his crush on me diaf soon and we can resume this foodie adventure plan.

Also, I’m so picky I rarely agree to meet anyone, and on the rare occasions I decide to it doesn’t line up.  I wish I could word this another way so it didn’t sound extremely arrogant but lately it’s been go hang out with someone, they’re epicly nervous, they’re super attracted to me, I need a crafty way to say I don’t want to date them.  I’m about to quit people. I need cats.  Nah.  I’ll get bunnies.

I really haven’t been home much the last week and a half.. or more?  If the con hasn’t been kicking my ass, it’s been work, and weird stuff, and sleepovers at friend’s houses, and I’m fine with it, I just need a better battery pack.

I have so many things to take care of but feel like that’s all I ever do, and need to recharge and veg out alone for a bit before attempting anything else that requires my brain.  I scrolled down through the archives and mentioned catching up on Sailor Moon Crystal.  Sooo I just checked Crunchyroll and a new episode is out.  It looks like they’re finishing Sailor Moon R, I hope that means the next episode starts S, and then Super S, and Stars! OMG if they remake Stars and stick to the manga. I die. I die now.

Also… Mel, read February 5th 2004.  I’m so happy we did, and I’m so happy to be your maid of honor next month.

It’s really weird writing about the 2nd half of the con 3 days later.  I still haven’t caught up on sleep, it’s 11:51am, gotta be up at 7am… !@#$ it I’m writing this out of my system.  August 7th was…. Friday… I got up to Friday morning…. Okay!  So Friday I slept in and took the day off but still ended up in the office briefly for some stuff then grabbed food and checked into the hotel.  Went to Cornish Pasty Co for dinner with friends after being in a depressing slump/nap for a couple hours.  Seeing them helped and I met even more awesome people.  Then went to Bally’s for the first time and missed the talks again.. it was dead.  Went to the chill out area, ran into other friends, heard the Unlocked party was bad, heard the McAffee party was crap, glad I didn’t go.  Was walking out of the chill area and this guy asks if we drink and when we said yeah invited us to follow him down a hall.  What?  I was highly entertained thinking this is either going to be awesome or terrible.  Friend from work questions whether or not we’re going to be murdered.  We end up in a room with people and a lot of free alcohol.  They looked for a conference room that was left unlocked and threw an impromptu party.  The best part was the fact that it was in the social engineering village.  It couldn’t have been more perfect and appropriate if they had tried.  So this one guy would go back out and recruit people to come party when the goons weren’t around.  I started texting friends “Do you know where the social engineering village is?  Tell no one, make sure goons aren’t around to see you walk down to the side entrance, knock on the door four times.”  We had the chairs all over the place in random groups and at one point I was so happy to say four people were there because it was my fault.  It was really good… until the party died down.  Then we started to wander and went out to the Queercon party at the pool… cause better music.  We walked around… it was okay I guess.  Then we sat at a table and chilled for a while and talked, and this one dude was spazzing cause the kiosk that manages the lockers was reset or being stupid after midnight and people couldn’t get their stuff back.  Security was taking forever and trying to get a locksmith out, but this is a hacker con, so our friends started lock picking, and more friends looked at the kiosk.  One friend got one locker to open despite it being double sided wafers and not having the right tools to do it.  He kept saying he as embarrassed he couldn’t get any other locks and I was like dude you got one without the appropriate tools, that’s badass.  So the kiosk… the group got to reboot from the back and then it went to Windows 7 and we tried to get to admin but realized the kiosk user had an expired password and was showing old password, new password, confirm password.  We tried a bunch of simple stuff then left the old and new passwords blank… the password was blank… *blinks*  So we got in,  rebooted a few more times, the lights on the lockers went green, yellow, then red, then off.  People watched anxiously hoping to get their stuff back.  I think the kiosk got shorted… it was already a dusty cluster !@#$ of cables.  The hackers actually started cleaning up the cables while trying to hack the system, other than the technically shorting it part… and it was already janky… they were leaving it in the same or better condition regarding cable management… I know… they obviously cared more than the dodgy technicians who left the password blank, let it expire, and wadded up the cables and then slammed it in the chassis.  This one security dude in a suit, management, some dude, starts walking up while on a cell phone, we all back away from the lockers and go back to our table and other people are hovering around chatting in ear shot.  We hear the guy panicing “but it was on and working last time he was there.”  This had been going on for over an hour, other security guards had been around and not cared, locksmith never showed or might have after we left, idk.  I dropped a friend off at a place they got on Airbnb, went and got Robertos tacos at 5am with another friend then got him back to his hotel, filled the gas tank and finally made it back to my hotel.  My face didn’t hit the pillow until 6am.  OMG I was ded.  Like d. e. d. ded.

Saturday I was getting texts at like 9am asking where I was cause peeps were at the con for talks… I was like… omg only 3 hours of sleep.  I hadn’t figured out how to put the burner iPhone on silent and it kept vibrating on the nightstand, a couple times it scared me awake and I thought I was gonna have a heart attack.  Seriously, those things buzz louder on wooden counters louder than Samsung phones do… wtf iPhone.  I was all… I am not beloved, this iPhone doesn’t have to wake me up… I learned really fast how to silence that !@#$.  I actually learned how to get through a couple menus and spazzed when I found all the cute emojis, and liked the messenger when you texted other iPhone users.  Having to toggle back and forth between droid and iPhone…. I was considering upgrading to an iPhone next time around…. w t f happened.  Idk, I’m a little concerned.  Although… everything has vulnerabilities, Apple does a good job with security when it comes to the apps they approve and ios isn’t so bad and.. fml.  I sent the text hey… I got in at 6am I need more sleep and got the response “okay.”  So I slept then felt guilty about how long I was mia and showered then went and got brunch.. only I made it 20 past 2pm and missed brunch so I got other stuff which is cool I guess, then went to con and again missed talks.  It was dead.  I wondered around the contest area,  found some peeps I knew and was in the chill area for a while, then we went up to the presidential sweets to the different parties.  They had full bars, kegs, pin ball ,  mini remote control helicopters, ridiculous robot wars made from modified kids toys, like toys for itty bitty kids.  They had a pay phone, idk where it came from, they had a bunch of tacos from Taco Bell.  We wondered from party to party then sobered up getting Johnny Rockets downstairs then went back up and did it all over again, and I was down for the count.  I didn’t make it past a certain point and was taken back to my hotel and in my bed by like 10pm at the latest.  I missed the freak fest pool party despite drunkenly walking around in my swimsuit at parties the last few hours.  Which sucked cause I wanted to go to this party and swim but later I was told it sucked.  So yay for good sleep.

Sunday I woke up and had to check out and we went back to the event.  My original plan was to transfer stuff from my friend’s rental to my car but we decided to wander the con again.  I grabbed an epic sign and pretended to be an employee at the company who hosted the party I went to earlier in the week.  Got called out by one goon, showed them my badge, called it good.  Walked around the vendor area I had missed because it was in a completely different area… it was weird.  Went upstairs to the presidential suits but the doors to get through weren’t opening and you needed a key for it… so I guess that was over.  But there was one skytalk still going.  I need to look this speaker up, he was epic.  This was like going to church on Sunday for hackers… with whiskey.  He was making a lot of great points, and then he would yell drink! And drink!  When he asked a question and someone answered he’d invite them to come up to the table to pour themselves a drink.  All the talks have a table with alcohol near the podium.  He asked a question and one guy raised his hand.  The speaker called him a liar, said he just wanted a drink,t hen invited him up to get a drink.  Then the speaker asked if anyone else just wanted a drink and I shot my hand up so he invited me to come up.  I poured myself a shot of whiskey, waited for him to finish his sentence and held my cup up so we could do a shot together, then faced the crowed and held my cup high, they were awesome.  Walked back to where I was sitting with the huge sign I acquired.  There was some wandering after that then we went to sushi for lunch. After that we were just done so I called it and went home.

Monday felt like death… but some random things.

1. Rio was a better layout than Paris/Ballys.  Having the vendor and some tracks separated from other conference rooms was weird.

2. The pool at Rio was better with the beach and hot tubs… whatever.

3. I did statistically impossible things two years in a row.  Last year was not getting laid.  This year was making out with a girl at the party.

4. She found me on okc online.  The guy she was with was her bf.  He was cool with it.  They called me the “highlight of their weekend.” Awe.

5. I’ve managed another piece of shenanigans three years in a row.

6. Last year my focus was all on the talks schedule.  This year was a 180 just focusing on the vendor and party schedule and rsvp-ing to a bunch of stuff.  I decided to rsvp to anything that sounded remotely interested so I’d have a bunch of options and then decide on the fly what to attend and what to skip.

7.  My sleep schedule is so jacked up and I’m tired.  It’s 12:26AM on Wednesday morning.. after an almost 11 hour day… nooo.

8. I can’t believe I’m considering iPhone… damn emojis.

9. I successfully invited myself to an event two years in a row now.

10.  Buying the badge wasn’t worth it this year because I only used it twice-ish?  I learned some things if I want to go back next year.  Things like a couple weeks before the event Looks at the talks schedule and the party schedule, picks things that are interesting for both, then see if you think you’d rather be awake for A or B… or a little of A and B… don’t buy the badge until you go to a party or two and see if it’s something you can replicate.  A local con exists a couple days prior.  Check that out.  The more professional con that happens before this con is more money than I want to deal with.. and their classes are above my level… for now.  Find their parties because you meet the coolest people ever.  Take more vacation time.  Book the room at the venue because the convenience is worth more than the quiet… but book the room away from the pool and away from the main strip… or high enough up on the strip side because the pool is still louder.  If the badge isn’t hackable split the price of one with someone so you can both go to talks you’re interested in when you feel like it and trade off, no one is there long enough to need it at all times the entire event.  I was informed more than once, including by a friend with a black badge, most people don’t purchase badges.  With how little I used it I felt like it was a waste of money this year compared to last year, but at the same time I made up for it with everything I did in the last week and the stuff I pulled and the friends I made… and all the free alcohol and food everywhere.  Some people said this year the talks weren’t worth it and they probably won’t go back and they don’t really party.  I was like aweee.  And I guess now, I party one week out of the year. lol  It was like going back on 2nd shift, it was an instant schedule change on my sleeping habits… dammit.

Something else really sweet was my work wifey mentioning last week how Tyler said I reminded him of all the things he likes about women.  We grabbed tacos and got caught up, I felt bad I missed his birthday last Wednesday cause of the events..  he randomly brought it up when we were eating in the park and said that I’m her work wife, but he’s claimed me as his friend wife, and he said he could try and describe me but movies do a better job sometimes, and he thought about it and said the movie Juno already did it.  I saw that movie when it first came out and barely remember it.  He brought up the quote “I was thinking more, like, graphic designer… mid thirties, you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like, dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don’t want to be too particular.”  I was all.. that’s cool but idk how to play.. I mean I wish I did.  He said he could teach me lol.  Or like… rocking out to guitar hero could count, and I was all I got pretty decent at that years ago.  So it works?

It’s 12:47am. Frak.

I miss you desperately, I just got in and the sunlight is starting to peek through the curtains no matter how much I adjust them. I keep looking at your side of the bed, it’s empty. Yeah, I took the side closest to the door, it’s near power outlets, really it is. Lol  its like you haven’t come back from vendor meetings yet, or you already left super early because of some other obligation.  I have crazy stories and photos I want to share. When you’re feeling better I want to share this bed with you and cuddle and laugh and take breaks for food and naps.  I’m going to sleep now. Bogoshipoyo. Jaljara beloved.

I always said this is the week where chaos theory comes into play.  Every year I’ve learned to plan more and plan less simultaneously and there have always been fun surprises having a general idea of what’s going on while winging it.  The first year was a last minute decision to go in blind, last year was too structured with a full speaker schedule, and this year…  I’ve been at vendor parties since Tuesday and am exhausted and haven’t been stepped foot in the conference yet.  I haven’t slept well for over week and it was wrecking me but I still tried to balance that sweet spot where I could get in what I wanted without completely killing myself.  This year I did my research on what’s going on, rsvp’d myself and a few others to a lot of things that overlapped, and didn’t decide which ones to actually attend until they were coming up and then picked.  It could have been most of them or none, but I’d rather have the ability and not take it, than decide to go and not have an in.

Tuesday was this private dinner at Bouchon Bistro, I had no idea it was Thomas Keller’s restaurant until I looked it up.  I got in by name dropping a CTO of one of the sponsoring companies in my registration, the day before the dinner I got confirmation my request was accepted.. and while I dressed business casual I still wish I dressed a little more professional like I had Wednesday.  I stood out for a few reasons, one being a woman.. there were maybe 3 others, one was the host of the event, I have metal in my face, and I was probably the only person under director level and under the age of 40.  When we got to industry related content I listened, when we bs’d and discussed food and whatever else I was just fine.  They were going around the tables and we all had to introduce ourselves so I listened to how everyone else ran through and gave my name, company, gave a couple stats, and they moved on… thank Satan.  lol  Dinner was great, conversation was great, a couple people ended up adding me on LinkedIn the next day.

Wednesday was one of the security parties at the House of Blues.  Open bar, lots of food, terrible music.  I ran into friends I met at the same party last year.  They were thinking of me and asked if I socially engineered my ass in again and I said no.. this time I rsvp’d, they called it cheating, introduced me to their CEO, and got me a VIP badge I can use at a couple other events their doing this week.. including a penthouse with lab demos, food, alcohol, and apparently massages… I need dis. I met a nice guy at the bar and have his card in my bag, he mentioned another party at the Wynn and the friend I came with said he had an in for that party so we went, it was actually at XS at Encore and he didn’t have the wristbands and tried name dropping the rep he knew but they said the event opened up for people on the list an hour later. It wasn’t worth waiting.  I really wish I’d taken Thursday off at this point.

Thursday in the office was brutal, I was already beyond sleep deprived before the events but they were worth it.  I couldn’t multitask, there was a lot on my slow mind, and I’d been worried about my beloved since Monday, but I hoped the shenanigans was bringing a little humor and distraction to him.  Thursday night was the Nike Swooshed after party at the Light nightclub at Mandalay Bay.  It wasn’t like a normal night club since it was industry, the music wasn’t too loud since conversation was still possible, and we met a lot of cool people.  I got drunk, I pulled walked up to a guy in the middle of his group and pulled him onto the dance floor then hugged him and thanked him for dancing with me, then one of the friends who came with me wanted to dance.. which I found surprising but that was cool.  Then I was talking to these cool peeps from NY who help coordinate Blackhat and above me on the next row up there was this hot chick dancing so I got up and we were dancing on separate levels.  One of the guys encouraged me to go up so I ran through the floor to the stairs to the other level and when I got up to her she asked if I wanted to dance.  So we did!  It was awesome, it was like insta-infatuation. One dude kept trying to dance up on us and I wouldn’t let him, we ended up back on the level where I was sitting with my group which merged with two other groups and kept changing through the night.  Her group went temporarily MIA so she stayed with me.  We ended up making out for a while and apparently 30 guys on our level and the level above us were staring like they’d never seen women before… or never seen women making out before.  My friend from work explained there were phones out and we were filmed… so uh, I’ve  never been filmed before.. I actually don’t know if those are pictures or if some video is going to surface on YouTube now.  The guys around us were kind of creating a barrier to keep the creepers at a distance, I was so lost in her I didn’t even know what was going on around me.  We exchanged numbers, we cuddled, we tried to sober up together, she invited me back to her hotel but I was someone’s ride and was sad but it’s okay.  She started kissing my neck and was shifting me down, and I decided I wasn’t having any of that in a club so I pulled her hair with both hands and started nibbling, she left marks on me, they were visible last night and I haven’t checked in a mirror yet this morning, but I know I bit back hard since she wasn’t holding back… I think I got her back.  She made some comment and I told her to imagine how things would be going if I wasn’t in a club restraining myself.  I made some realization I’m more dominant with women and more submissive with men, and it’s all on a subconscious level, idk how that happened. I’m not scene, don’t believe in roles, idk. lol The event ended at 1 so we went to my favorite pho place in Chinatown then everyone went back to their hotels.  I finally made it home Friday morning (this morning) after being up almost 24 hours.  Her and her friend are here till Monday so that’s cool, she lives on the other side of the country.. that’s my luck.  We might run into them today, it’s still early.

Idk why I woke up around 7am and just went back to sleep until my call with the university.  I love my mentor already, she’s great.  We talked about the parties a little bit and I told her I wanted to test out of a couple classes in a couple weeks, she’s all for it.  I had to renew my registration online since it was due tomorrow.. it’s 1.5x higher than my car payment, it’s insane here.  I have a meeting in a couple hours then I can go do whatever.  There’s another event tonight, I kind of want to go swim… idk how I’m awake right now. This feels like the half way save point.  Today is day one at the con for me and I have the weekend.  I need to check into the hotel too, I need another cup of tea.

I know what it’s like to fall asleep in his arms, to wake up with my head on his chest, and for his heartbeat to be the first sound I hear as consciousness slowly creeps back in. To feel his breath on my skin, and his fingers start to explore me and how I’m wrapped around him as he wakes. To linger in that half asleep state in a twilight haze until the morning light glows behind flowing white curtains. He looks at me and says my name without ever saying a word. It’s felt in his gaze and tight embrace. He holds me and says “I love you” without making a sound, it’s spelled out in kisses down my neck and down my side.  It’s in that twilight haze where we meet in that space. It’s that one file in the archive I’d play and play if I had memories saved in a grain. It’s the lullaby my mind runs through when I lay my head down on my pillow. In that space, when I’m drifting in and out.

… have been interesting.  I’ve been trying to keep moving and stay busy despite the emotional damage I’m doing to myself, or am allowing to accumulate within me.   I mean I’m always busy, but despite running through the day on 5 hours of sleep, which is always a killer, I forced myself back into barre and it was so hard.  Monday is the advanced class and I forgot but I walked in, in the shittiest mood, and walked out almost content, almost happy.  I was destroyed physically but felt like after a hot shower I’d melt into bed.  Then finished the last episode of Humans and called it good.

Today was busy non stop, the rest of the week into next week is going to be non stop.  There is always more work than there are hours to complete them, even at a non stop grinding pace.  Real life feels like more grinding lately than any mmorpg I ever played.  After yesterday’s success I felt bad about not going to barre today but was invited to a developer’s Meetup on phone PIN hacking and it was great.  It was a quick 30 minute talk after work downtown from the CTO of LaunchKey and after I asked my friend from work if she was hungry, she said she already ate but could go for something light.  This was great too because three of our dev engineers were there and I invited them.  They were up for food and beer.  Then I said one sec and went up to the guy who started the Meetup and the guy who spoke this evening and invited them, so everyone who was left walked up the street to Fremont to this new (to me) place someone suggested.  They described it as beer and hipster food, and it was a win.  I’d seen the outside for a year wondering what it was and the inside and back patio were like my thing, I should have checked this out sooner.  So we geeked out over food and drinks talking about other exploits and the companies we worked for, we discussed the con coming up next week and the smaller local one at the beginning of next week, which is apparently like what the main event was like 15 years ago.  I had no idea that existed before today, and am gonna try to squeeze that in if I can pull it off.  He’s spoken at both before but is going for the local one this year, I guess the main event gotten super big and super competitive but it’s still fun, and I have more people to look for next week.  I met so many people last year I have a few groups now.  I always try to get something together and mesh the groups or sometimes I’ll float between them if I don’t feel like doing what group A is going, or maybe group B has drama llama… or whatever.  I don’t feel like it’s worth the energy to go out nearly as much as I used to but on the occasions I do, I love bringing people together who enjoy the same things and have similar interests. Orientation is done and school officially starts Saturday.  And Friday I have the security summit at the innovation center.  The next two weeks will be crazy.

I wasn’t made for grudges, I don’t know how to stay angry because it’s not me, and it’s draining.. but right now a certain level of anger is the only thing keeping me from breaking down and crying and barricading myself at home.

Y’know on that rare occasion where you’re at lunch with colleagues or out somewhere or whatever and you look up and see someone and they have your full attention… and they’re 100% oblivious? That happened today. Tall guy with dark hair… and glasses? That’s cool. But whatever, he had my attention. We were signing our receipts and headed back to the office. Walking out I smiled and he didn’t even turn. It’s cool, I get it, I know I’m short and not that noticeable… even in heels.. even in this dress that shows off my awesome legs.. that’s cool, yo.

Not even 5 minutes later I’m back in the office and Grace says “Look at you! Last time I saw you, you were sitting down but you look great.” I <3 you Grace. Ty for the complement.

I’ve been in more pain lately.  I think it might have been a combination of the sleep deprivation and weather lately.  Right before it rains I hurt so bad, and then it rained, then it got humid and I feel ickky.  I hate the days and weeks that remind me that I have fibro.  I had the worst headache all day and it made everything ache by the afternoon so I got a massage after work… and was getting smacked in the face with endorphins.. and not in the good way.. like kinda good kinda bad.. like that exhausted overslept angry tummy feeling… I think the acid trip dream and the drunk dream are within the same week?  I don’t think I wrote about the acid one cause I couldn’t remember anything about it other than what it felt like.  A few days ago over the weekend, when I woke up and opened my eyes the room was spinning so fast I had to close them and put my hand over my eyes to block the light and stop the spinning.  I made the mistake of turning on my left side and opening my eyes, the room spun again and I could see the wall I was looking at going over my head to my right side.  I knew this wasn’t actually happening but something was wrong with my equilibrium and it was enough to make me worry about insta-vomiting… so I took a few minutes before sitting up and finally getting out of bed…. I didn’t realize all of this had been going on this last week.  By the time I’m out the door I forget about it but these things seem to be stacking, and they’re all different and unusual, and these are all firsts… except the drunk dreaming I think I’ve done it previously except not as exaggerated and bad.  I don’t remember motor skills and functionality being so messed up. lol

The second favorite fwb hit me up he was visiting Vegas in three weeks and I was all good for you, I’m going to a con then, lol.  I think it’s just under three weeks now but whatever.  He was all that sucks and then said perhaps he’ll visit the following weekend.  I’m not nearly as excited about this as I would have been a couple years ago.  Idk, I feel like I’ve been depriving myself lately and that’s silly, and it’s sweet he’d come and visit me.  Seriously, I feel so special when friends come here specifically to see me, not just because they were coming here to party or vacation and I happen to be here so they text me as they’re driving in.

I’m going to face plant into a pillow and hope that when I open my eyes again the pain will be gone. ;w;

“Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being.”

This already sounds like a thesis.  I really don’t know what just happened and I haven’t felt this awkward in a while.  Which is impressive, cause I think I’m pretty awkward by default to a degree… usually.. er.  I’m not even sure where to start since even though I’ve had these kinds of conversations before this ones different.  I mean they’re all different, but still.

Yesterday online a friend linked the article There’s One Post-Sex Problem That Nobody Ever Talks About which I found absolutely hilarious that 1. there is an article on this and 2. that it’s even a thing.  A lot of friends chimed in on it with comments ranging from how stupid it was, how stupid people are, to how they handled it personally and what their opinions of it were.  Post sex drip is part of the  experience and some people are indifferent just dealing with the cleanup while others revel in it and find enjoyment in the proof, in it’s existence.  I made a general comment on how I’ve never had any issues here and mentioned post sex exhaustion and the little hilarious run to get to the bathroom before the liquid started to make its way too far down my legs. I called it a win, I said it was kinda hot actually.  There was also my comment that I’d probably want a round 2 and part of that inspiration would come from it.  What I failed to mention as I thought it was implied online.. was that I am currently single and that I only forgo condoms in committed relationships.  This has always been a personal boundary of mine.

So today I get this message: “You have a BF now?!? Wtf” followed by “Lucky guy :)” out of the blue.  No idea what prompted this.  I said I don’t and now I was confused.  He continued by explaining I was talking about whoever I happened to be fucking without a condom regarding an article.  He also liked that I posted that and proceeded to ask why didn’t we EVER fuck.  Well… now I know what prompted this.. the article I posted yesterday.  That was unexpected.  Um.  He continued to say how he wanted to and how we’ve run into each other on various sites and used to chat at night and had flirted.  So this  is all true, and I explained how I always bookmark friends I find online.  He questioned if this was an illusion.  I said no, there was a time where I had wondered but thought he never would have taken me seriously so I kept it to myself and pushed it out of my head.  He is the director of procurement at one of my previous companies after all. So now he knew I was single and at one point entertained the idea.  This is where it gets awkward-er for me.  He said we probably could have kept it cool at work and mentioned some of the rooms in the office and stuff and I was astonished.  Not that I have a problem with these concepts or anything but the lack of tact threw me off.  I’ve always known him in a professional and then a platonic context.  I’m not used to these vulgarities from him, and again it’s not like I have a problem with what was being said, but sometimes it’s not just what you say but how you say it.  I entertained this idea years ago briefly.  I mentioned how I ended up seeing someone while I was still at that company (they were unaffiliated) and I didn’t flat out say it but I hope it got the message across that I wouldn’t play around while taken, even if that relationship was shitty and shouldn’t have started.  I still ended it before doing anything.  I’m getting side tracked here.

He apologized and admitted to having his foot in his mouth.  I said it was fine since people don’t talk about these things every day. I wonder if I would have looked at this differently if I were still interested.  We haven’t spoken much the last couple years.  That ship sailed a long time ago for me.  And I had no idea he viewed me in this context, I even said so… but if the curiosity were still alive, I think the approach he took would have killed it had it not of already been gone.  I think the only reason to bring this up is to make an attempt, and I would have hoped for some class and respect coming from someone of his caliber.  I understand people get nervous and these conversations aren’t easy, I’ve tried to carefully respond to confessions many times, especially since leaving Arizona.  He was worried I took offense and I said I didn’t.  I really didn’t.  I think because I can speak so candidly about topics in a general sense, people get the idea I want to be that detailed on a personal level without any established rapport, or start detailing graphic scenarios they’d like to be in with me like I invited it.  That really makes me sad.  It’s similar to the people who’ve assumed I’m fetish because they’ve seen me in goth attire.  I don’t consider myself extremely vanilla, but I am nowhere near lifestyle, and I’m fine calling myself vanilla swirl. This shit is so subjective as fuck with people.  I like saying fuck, it’s a great word.  There’s a time and place for it, like with everything else.  I mean seriously if we haven’t previously established anything please use the term sex instead of fuck or fucking every couple minutes.  If you were interested in me, I’m flattered.  If we discover that is or was a mutual thing, that’s even better.  But the vulgarities are a turn off in this particular topic at this particular juncture.  I place people in my life differently and know where I’d like them to be in my life fairly quickly.  I um, I don’t even know what I’m trying to get at here.  I still like the concept of courting, even if my idea of it is way off from what it was traditionally.  Or what I’m getting at is I like the idea of being respectful..  Maybe something like I find you very attractive and next time you’re in town we should get drinks or something other than stuff and things with me being bent over.. whatever.  Tact.  Doesn’t mean I’d accept those advances but yeah tact.  Whatever happened to enjoying time with those you’ve called your friends?  Oh… he did say I was super sweet and that he missed having me around.. and he thinks that’s what he was trying to say.  I can appreciate that one.

Ramble ramble type type… these get wordy when I have trouble saying things.  It’s like maybe they’re getting different thoughts out, or maybe it’s 5 different ways to say the same thing because I’m still coming down from the shock and I hope at least one of those 5 accurately gets my idea out there.