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Heart in my chest, please stop crumbling.

I can’t sleep or function anymore.

It kills me not being able to have a life with you.

I keep responding in my head with death because harm to our loved ones, especially death, would be the greatest devastation.

But I can’t commit to it because both feel equally painful.  They feel equivalent.

“Tell me, what would hurt more. Knowing the person you love will die, or knowing they’re alive but you cannot have them?”

We’re not fictional characters.  At least no one is writing our story for us.

Our tragedy is our own fault.

Fallacies, all of it.

But she knows I’m grieving.  Without any input from me.

Cosy In The Rocket was playing when I walked out of dinner.  That’s fun, I guess.

I feel feverish and sick.

I meant to be asleep hours ago but heard yelling downstairs when I was wrapping up homework and went to go check it out.  There was a lot of hostility and when dad went upstairs mom explained the situation, so I defined gaslighting to her and gave examples, and just said screw it and pulled up a wiki article.  She appreciated the explanation and how it validated her frustrations, anger, and hurt.

So I chilled with her in the living room for a bit and she was mentioning how I need to sleep since I have to be up extra early.. since I rescheduled the nail appointment from last Friday to this morning.. I have to leave in 5 hours.. ugh.  She asked how work was, and I explained the high level ish, and school, and how I’m considering changing some of the courses on my path with the university, how I am exhausted, about the changes I’m trying to make professionally.

She asked how is Josh?  I was like, fine.

Is this why you were gone the last week?  Yes. (Damn she’s blunt)

Are you two dating? No.

And this is where I started crying, and she immediately apologized because she hit something, and I said not to cause she wasn’t aware.  I said I ended it.  We couldn’t work.  She asked why, and I just deflected we can’t.  She asked if there was an issue with a woman and I just nodded.  I couldn’t lie to her as much as I wanted to.  It’s none of her business, I know she’s trying to be supportive and be there for me, but I still have my own pride, and I didn’t want her to think any less of the person I’m crying over.  I told her, that I explained we wouldn’t be able to talk again without it hurting, until we could be together, or I was over it.  I made it very clear, and I stuck to it.  She reassured me that I did the right thing.  She said I was strong for keeping up with work and school.  She said she was sorry, and tried to offer some comfort that time is the best medicine.

So hopefully I wake up and make it to my appointment in 5 hours.

I won’t be able to talk to you without it hurting me, until I can be with you, or I am over you.

Mel believes you’re my first, and while I disagree, I understand why she believes it.  Just because someone was disingenuous with me, doesn’t invalidate the love I had for others in my past.  Every love is different.  But I know up until this very moment in my life, I have loved you differently.  I have loved you the hardest.  I have loved you the most.

I want to start off by telling you I love you and wanted to give you the best weeks possible.  I was so focused on the moment and enabled these issues instead of trying to face the problems I knew you didn’t want to touch.  I didn’t just want some short lived thing.  And it’s funny how this has lasted longer than most people’s relationships.  I wanted everything with you, I wanted a lifetime, I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together doing anything we wanted.  And if I couldn’t be your first love, I wanted to be your last.

I thought you were the love of my life.  That is hard to walk from, it’s harder to be near while it’s untouchable.  I can’t move on while things are still like this.  I understand you feel having anything less than our friendship feels like a loss.  We are both taking losses today.  I want us to end as well as possible, with only love and respect.  So this is goodbye.

I know I did the right thing, and can at least take that with me.  There is zero doubt.  There is no longer any unknown, no what if, none of that.

I’d known this for a while in the back of my mind but couldn’t put it into words until this week.  You always cited communication problems, and then you said I was blunt a couple times (which I thought was funny). I like being blunt, it’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s usually not hard to misinterpret.  I was trying to resist making assumptions even though you said more than once you were trying to make it easy for me to do it, so you wouldn’t have to say things outright, and despite my declaring I didn’t want to draw my own conclusions, and wanted you to say things directly, you still got me to run with your words, only to have me point it out again. You can’t have it both ways. Even if saying something directly is uncomfortable, you can’t force people to make assumptions by leading them with words, and then get upset when there are miscommunications.  That will not always work out the way you expect.  I hope you start paying attention to this habit and that it helps you when speaking with others in the future.

And I did notice your efforts on trying to communicate better, and we were seeing each other more often.  But you placed limits on us, and I was reminded every day.  You and I are never going to have a drunk brunch together.  I didn’t know if I would ever see you on a weekend, or know what it’s like to have a decent amount of time with you.  Travel with you.  Kiss you good morning and good night.  Celebrate anniversaries.  Celebrate each other.

You made me believe in love at first sight.  I never believed in “the one,” but I thought you were the one for me.  I didn’t want to waste any more time, and by that I mean I wanted all the time I could have with you.  Because we both know life is short, neither of us expected to be alive today at certain points in our pasts, and everything is uncertain.  I know someday we won’t be around, so I want to cherish every day I have with you.

You forced me to give up.

And believe me, I fought so hard not to.  I tried looking at it from every angle I could.

I fought myself.  I asked myself to keep pushing despite the self destruction.

I couldn’t act like this wasn’t happening anymore.  I had to speak in absolutes.  I had already acknowledged my limits, now I have to enforce them.

My love,

You are giving up your life for others, and it is destroying you, and I cannot watch you do this to yourself.

I can only hope that someday you’ll realize your value, that you absolutely deserve happiness, and will go after it.

Sigh…

I’d rather drown myself in sleep than face reality, even if the dreams were shitty.

“Because one cannot simply continue their studies while they’re being eaten out.”

I can barely wake up in the morning, I ache, everything hurts, everything is heavy, it all stings. It feels like I’ve been crying all night whether I have or haven’t.  I’m hazy and distracted, distraught, dysfunctional.  Sleep deprived.  I keep hitting snooze, waking up from dreams every time, I’m dizzy, I’m nauseated, I can’t drive in the mornings anymore, and sometimes feel very close to crying for no reason.  Some days I can’t eat at all without the worry and feeling that taking this bite will bring everything back up, but there’s nothing because I haven’t been capable of any bites.  Some days I feel like I can’t stop and I’m making up for the previous day’s failure.  I’ve been nothing more than a shell, trying to go through the motions.  The last two weeks… need to stop.

I was thinking about the day we met, and I didn’t know if you’d be in my life, but I really really wanted you to be part of it.  It’s been two years, and you still make me believe in love at first sight.

I love you.

How can I get so much done in one day and still feel so empty?

Still haven’t closed that tab from an email advertisement.  The $39 flight to SF and the $29 to SLC.  It’s not like I’d be buying them, I wouldn’t know when, or if I would even have that choice anymore.

The most important words are always written, but never published. The most important things must always be spoken.

I want to die.  I want to burn through hellfire and singe off everything that holds me back, everything that makes me who I am. I want this slow burn to speed up and consume me, and it doesn’t matter what’s left, as long as it’s not this.

It’s been a weird day mentally, which has probably been an accumulation of this week. It’s been spiraling stress thoughts of death. Like a spiraling call of death for anyone who ever worked in a call center lol. In a weird place, but I’ll be fine when I wake up in the morning. Trying to remind myself I’m beautiful cause I’m not feelin it right this second. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m beautiful. I just need to write this out of my system.  Good night.

It’s been two years, and you still make me believe in love at first sight.

This thing is super behind and my mind is all over the place anyway, so it’ll be a while before I can gather my thoughts and write out where I’m at.  You just had me for the last couple of weeks, so I thought I should at least try giving you a break this weekend.  Hah

Super tired, managed 4 hours of homework (accidentally napped in the middle).  It’s 11:18pm on a school night, ugh.