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I dont know how you could listen to what I’ve said and read what’s been written here and think that severing ties is what I’d want in a million years. Of course it’s NOT what I want. But it feels like the “right” thing to do given the circumstances. What choice have you given me? I don’t want this, not at all.

So I mentioned when mom asked me why we weren’t dating and then got super blunt about it. We were driving recently and she asked about you again cause she wanted to know how I got into this situation, and then was all fine if you don’t wanna talk about it.. And I said no that’s not it, the circumstances aren’t good and it’s not like I wanted to flaunt it in your face. So I explained as high level as possible about how we met and things clicked, and I found out about Anna later, or wasn’t willing to confirm her existence until later. How you said you hadn’t meant for anything to happen, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t.  How you felt obligated, how she was dependent financially and otherwise, and how she’s threatened suicide to keep you. And that’s when mom asked if she was Asian and I almost died laughing.

Yeah mom, she’s Chinese.

Oh. She’s bluffing. Selfish people like that won’t kill themselves.

I know…

And I said it was like you have this guilt ridden savior complex. She’s dependent on you, your mom is with the house, and my mom asked for clarification on your relationship with your mom, and I said “you know how the rest of dad’s family is?  It’s like that.” And she said ohh. And she said you’re a good son, and I was all yeah, I know. Lol. I said you have this history and habit of caring for people who are dependent on you and who latch on to you and won’t let go, and mom was all this woman doesn’t really have any honor. So she was making me laugh at what I felt like was a tragedy. I told her I tried to figure it out but had no other option but to step away and she said I did the right thing. Trying to be a woman of honor and honesty. See how well that’s going? Sigh.

Mom asked about your Japanese side and I briefly mentioned your family heritage, she’d never heard of Malta before I don’t think? Idk. I mentioned how you had fond memories of your grandmother, the ginko trees, takoyaki.  When we got home and I went upstairs to do my thing I heard her in the hall tell dad I’m a good kid. So I’m a good daughter, and you’re a good son.

I don’t know why I’m writing this out of my system and not making it private. My mother knows I love you, and she asks about you, and she sympathizes with me, and with you. And then she says you need to get yourself together cause you’re a man. Lol. Oh mom.

So no. I do not want to sever ties, but I don’t know how to make this work because you never made room for me in your life. Please think of this as a cause and effect.  The other reasons you explained to me recently, I’ve never discussed with anyone. That’s your private business and I would never want to break your trust like that. But what I’ve wanted to say is this,

You were in control of your life and your actions before you met Anna, and you will remain that way after Anna.

Because I know, because I have faith in you.  Because you can recognize and acknowledge something within yourself, and that amount of concern and sacrifice shows me you will be okay, regardless of who you are or aren’t with. This is why I’m not afraid, and this is why I believe in you.  So don’t hold on to her because you feel like she’s a fail safe. She isn’t. You don’t need anyone to be, and if she played a part in making you believe that, she’s even more terrible than I already thought she was.  And don’t let her win and hold on to you out of guilt, because suicide is an empty fucked up threat, and my mother is smart and she’s right. Stop sacrificing for lost empty causes. Stop denying yourself happiness. You are only punishing yourself.. not only. You’re taking me with you.

I want you to make room for me in your life so we don’t have to cut ties.  We don’t have to do this.  We do have better, happier, choices.  It hurts typing this, I’m sure it’ll hurt reading this.  But I still believe in you and I hope a little push and a little perspective can help you, and I really hope I’m not another selfish leech of a woman with no honor who is trying to use you and drag you down. I constantly worry about my own selfishness, I’m writing this hoping you’ll wake up and be in my life.  I want to be the opposite of what you’ve endured.  This is your pattern.  You have to break it.  I don’t want to say goodbye. Stop making me.

Make room for me. I love you. Duh.

I could face anything with you, if you’d take my hand and if you would let me.  It’s the solitude that breaks us, no matter how desperately you cling to it.

I remembered I had a dream early in June where you mentioned having family in Texas.  But I can’t remember if you told me about your father, or any other family ties to Texas before the last time we saw each other in person.

Weird.

Btw, we are like two teenagers with livejournals.  We are lj stalking each other, and it’s a goddamn loophole.  A comfortable crutch.  But in all honesty, I appreciate the transparency and the ability to peek at your words.  I know you’re not trying to push for anything.  I want to share things with you, it’s embedded in my programming now.  I want to tell you about all the awesome things.  Organic is an understatement.  Idk wtf I’m doing.  It shouldn’t be this.  We shouldn’t be like this.  We don’t know how to stop each other.  I don’t want to stop.  I want to keep going.  I’ve always wanted to break ground and establish something permanent with you.  I think this has been the most consistent thing my mind has been screaming for years.  I absolutely with all my heart love you, and I don’t want to give you up, but I’m supposed to because we’ve already hit this impasse multiple times and it hurts us both.  I can run towards you and your legs are bound.  I just want us.  More than anything. That’s why I still fail, that’s why this still feels wrong, why there is no right answer, and why indulgence and abstaining both produce the same pain.

I deserve better.  You deserve better.  We both deserve better than this.

It’s funny how this was the last thing I could plan out to completion, and I couldn’t even be there for it.

Just kidding! I couldn’t be there and you’re away from country ahahaha

… I have things to throw out of my closet that have been in there since February.

Hello,

How is Mexico City? I hope you get some time for yummy food and Pokemon Go, hopefully it’ll keep you from hermiting in the room working. I wanted to be there too. And Buffalo. And everywhere else. I’m just sad and I always miss you, and I wonder if you still write to me. Part of me is like.. it’s none of my business.  But part of me isn’t letting it go and if you were still writing I’d want to know what’s on your mind. I want to know what you’re thinking anyway. I’m bad at this. Im having a hard time letting go of you.

Edit: I just realized there might not be WiFi. Idk how well connected Mexico City is… but there has to be at least Starbucks? They’re legit everywhere. >_>

I can’t believe how depressed I feel right now. It’s different. My minds empty.

Still waking up nauseated.  I wouldn’t wish serotonin syndrome on my worst enemy.

I can’t tell if it’s really that terrible on it’s own or if it’s that bad when rolled in with a bad flare up.  I still feel like hell, but at least my mind is feeling more normal.  Apparently klonopin is one of the ways to mitigate symptoms, who knew.

I will never let anyone try to put me on an snri again.

The only thing I appreciated was the zero sex drive.  It completely shut that out and there was silence, maybe because I was trying to survive the other noise?  I’d like to be “normal” without feeling like death + have the  ability to make my sex drive STFU until I felt like turning it back on again.  That would be the best thing ever. *sigh*

I feel so sick, nauseated, brain fried, weak, teeth still hurt, still disoriented intermittently, woke up hallucinating last night and it was weird(er) and different. Sometimes I space out and feel like I’m out of my mind. I get chills then start sweating and have to take my sweater off.  Every transition from sitting to standing, or standing to sitting down, causes my body to shake. I’m slow, it’s a trade off between my movements and my brain. Sometimes I stop then wonder where I just was. Or I notice these huge contrasts of momentarily feeling sharp and present and then getting fuzzy again.  It’s Sunday afternoon and it feels like I’m being punished for no reason since I woke up with my blood pressure through the roof Friday night/ Saturday morning. This is beyond miserable, it’s like coming down from a bad trip that takes days instead of hours and you can’t sleep it off. I can’t believe one 30mg dose did this and the effects are this long lasting, or that I can be this sensitive to a drug.

I want to talk to you so bad. I want to tell you what’s going on because even if I know this is going to pass logically, emotionally it’s not sinking in and I want you to tell me it’s going to be alright.  I want some kind of comfort and familiarity.  Like some kind of emotional safety.  I don’t want to feel so alone.

“Giving you the silent treatment” was way more fun in person than when it happened long distance.

So was waking up together a little after 6am to glomp you.. and wrap my legs around you.

Its been over 24 hours and the script is still fucking with my heart beat and my blood pressure. Getting lost in these memories probably isn’t helping.  This drug needs to process out faster.

The ER just banned me from taking the script and said call my doc Monday. Lololol Fuck all of these side effects. Also, blood squirting out of my hand was more entertaining than I ever thought it would be.

Happy Birthday

I just did something I hadn’t done since 2013.  I started a new script, and it’s an SNRI that’s supposed to treat fibromyalgia and nerve pain or whatever.  SNRI’s scare me, since I almost killed myself on the last one.  But the doc confirmed the one I was on had a bad reputation and got pulled, he said he prescribed it once and his patient had a bad time on it, so never again.  This one that’s new to me apparently has decent results.  He said it’s rare with this one, but if I try it for a few days and start having mood issues, or major depression, feel like a zombie, or have other issues to just stop taking it.  I’m sill super skeptical and this drug class makes me nervous, but hearing what he said about the bad one in 2013 made me feel validated, and it’s been literally years since I walked away from an initial visit with this much confidence in a doctor.  He’s having me follow up with a colleague there who is a headache specialist so we can figure out what’s going on with my headaches and what they’re doing to my vision..   I’ve dealt with rheumatology and other stuff before, but this is my first time going to see pain specialists at an institution that focuses specifically on pain.  And my friend who recommended this place to me said her quality of life got much better after seeing them.  They are out of network and are pricey, but if it helps it’s worth it.  I gave up on this yeeeears ago, so this is very very hard for me to try again.  I told him because it’s been so long, I was basically starting over, and  wanted to challenge my fibro diagnosis.  And he said that was cool, so there’s a lot of bloodwork in my future.  Also regretting switching from an HSA to a PPO, because at least I wouldn’t be paying for anything once I passed my deductible, but I know I’m going to pass it and start shelling out monies out of pocket. Whoops.  And this is probably one of the most expensive scripts I’ve ever filled, and it’s the generic!  At least I have the cash.  I know a lot of people who don’t have my options, and a few years ago I couldn’t have afforded this.  I still feel like hell after the trigger point test earlier today.  I guess now it’s called a “tender point” exam or something? He was commenting that my myofascial pain was really high or sensitive or something.  lol.  I’m just info dumping this somewhere so it’s out of my system.

I ate chile rellenos and got a carne asada taco. I passed out and napped.  Like masturbated so I’d be exhausted and fall into a coma,  really really napped for a few hours, and had weird dreams I can’t remember. So I slept, and ate. I cried only a little.  And when I had terrible nausea I got these licorice tabs and they helped a great deal. I’m going out in a few minutes to fill scripts the doc prescribed earlier this morning. I have lab work Monday.  This is the best I can do right now.

I was thinking about the previous times we’d stopped communicating and how later you described your confusion, or would say something like you didn’t know what the rules were.  Like there was some expectation the separations were temporary and would eventually resolve.

Each time was meant to be permanent. I never wanted this, but each time I was beyond broken when I pushed towards the thing I wanted the least, for our own good. For mine.

There are no rules, because there is no goal. Not anymore anyway. There is no game.  This was never a game to me. It’s too easy to fall back into old habits like earlier today. We’re sad, we’re hurting, we miss each other, we still love each other. At least that’s what I’m getting on my side. It’s dangerous. I appreciated your backing me professionally when I need it, I appreciated your concern and willingness to deviate a little, I wanted it. But I can’t fall back into this pattern. I can’t have want I want. I already tried everything I could think of before getting to this point, and you never made room for me in your life. Me becoming a chaotic force wasn’t my fault.

So this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because I love you. I have been sick since you left and I’m still getting worse in new ways I hadn’t thought possible in a long time. I’m trying to cope. I’m doing a poor job right now. But I can’t set a precedence that no matter what you do or don’t do, I’ll come back and will suddenly be in your life again.  I will not come back regardless of the circumstances.  I can’t do that. I meant it when I said I couldn’t talk to you again without it hurting me.  Not until we could be together, or I was over you.  We will never have a friendship like we did when we met. It isn’t possible.

We interact out of necessity. I appreciate the flexibility you’ve afforded me to stay productive while pulling myself back together. I do notice it, it is not taken for granted. And I will never be able to thank you verbally, so I can at least do it here.  But I hope you don’t misinterpret our communication in the office as a sign my limits are flexible, or that my absolutes will ever change.

When the day comes and we no longer have a professional tie, you will never hear from me again. Any contact with you is hopeful, it’s painful.  This is simple. No rules, no trying to figure out how something works. This isn’t some temporary thing.  If you can’t do it right, I can’t do it at all.

B: I am kinda defiantly winning

C: That’s good

B: oh crap its late
why are you up

C: I haven’t gone to sleep before one since he left

B: ah

C: Actually I’m usually up till I’m exhausted enough to black out around 3 or 4 something
And even then it’s not really sleep, it’s more like forced resting, then I still get up normal hours most of the time. And my eyes are paying for it, they’ve been stinging the last few days and they’re red as fuck right now

B: eye strain
do you have any melatonin

C: No
I have klonopin to help me stay asleep but have had no desire to take it

B: you need to sleep

C: I nap here and there

B: that is not the same you need long rest periods
its bad for the brain and the mind

C: I can’t care anymore
It’s not in me

B: probably because you are not sleeping
yah you need to sleep

C: I keep getting nausea too
And headaches

B: because you are exhausted and not sleeping

C: I don’t want to be awake but I don’t want to sleep either
I don’t want to do anything

B: naps are not sleep
sleep, take something and pass out for a solid 8
it will help

C: Every time I dream I see him, I can’t sleep
Every single time

B: if you dont sleep you will only hurt yourself

C: And every time I wake up I wish I was dead

B: then you should go for some help

C: I’m seeing a specialist on Friday

B: you can cause a psychological break by not sleeping
im talking therapy

C: I don’t know what to say

B: they ask you why you are there
you say I am not sleeping
they asky what has changed in life recently that may have caused this change

C: I don’t have it in me to deal with therapy
Or other people
I’m surprised I managed to schedule a damn thing

B: therapy is not something you deal with
its something you do to help, it is like food, or bathing
when my depression gets out of controll it keeps me up
I become insomniatic
you are depressed
but not eating, not sleeping, not taking care of yourself will not help you
it is only going to make things worse

Yesterday I smelled cut grass in the car. Now I’m smelling jäger as soon as I wake up and I know there’s no jäger in my room. Wtf.

That pressure behind/between my eyes is still there. Ugh.

Do you have any experience with seizures? Have you ever experienced one or known someone who had? A friend suggested my ocular migraines might actually be seizure related, looks like I can’t avoid neuro anymore.

And then a friend posts this. Ahahaha.

*cries*

I need to cut myself off from the world.

I just wanted to be “home.”

Late night thought:  Why would anyone have a plastic ring up their vagina if it wasn’t a nuvaring?  I don’t see any practical application otherwise? And I mean, I know I’m weird but still?

It is kind of funny thinking about how I used to reschedule periods around your trips… I guess it’s not a secret anymore.

I have a test at 10. Fml.

Stuck in bed looking at road trip ideas, I’ve seen a lot of Arizona, but there’s still so much I didn’t get a chance to explore yet. And there’s apparently a lot here but the drives don’t feel worth it because of the mileage (when starting at the end of a state, instead of in the middle).  These states are big. I haven’t even left the country yet, there’s too much stuff to see, and I’ll probably need a sabbatical after university to catch up.

Mt Charelston is probably the comfiest spot here, and I’m glad I could share it.  There is also a lodge cat on the mountain.  I drove up recently for hot chocolate and ate on the patio.  There are two of them but only one was out greeting people at their tables asking for pets and keeping people company. Her name is Mama.

Valley of Fire is so unique and pretty though, I’m sad we never made it.

The other week Anne wifey was saying one of the hardest things about a separation, when you still love someone is when you come across something the other person would like, or when you want to tell them about what you’re doing, or what you discovered, because you want to share that experience. She’s so fucking right.

I miss being intimate with you.

I miss that comfort.

I miss everything.

I always peek when I see you’ve visited, to see if you’ve left a response. It’s just become another excuse for me not to let go.