Not all questions and curiosities are misconceptions. I’ve just had little faith in my own understanding and perspective on things for a while. I question where to get food and what colors to use in spreadsheets, it’s dumb.
I’m figuring out my own damage control, and expect to be taken out in similar fashion to what happened to Steve and Tori by mid next week. But at least I know.
And I want you to know I’m not mad at you for yesterday, and I hope that wherever you go, you’ll be alright.
Was I foolish to think I was the only after Anna?
I need to start hiding my phone from myself when I hit a certain level of non sobriety.
I fucking miss you
Just got home and ate In-N-Out burger for dinner. Going through your calendar was so terrible I wanted to finish it in one shot cause I knew if I stopped I wouldn’t have wanted to pick it back up, lol. It was kind of weird going over dates and seeing when you traveled, when we were in the same meetings, when I was adding stuff to your schedule… mostly to block other peeps from taking it, or when you were off to SLC and I was already waiting for you. I had to wait a whole weekend for you before you were back in LV, it was torture! And then I was getting towards the end of June and just had to burn through it as fast as possible. Idk wtf I’m doing, I know we’re just trying to hang in there and make smart decisions. I’m doing this day by day, I know you’re probably doing this second by second. I’m sorry it’s so crazy for you, and that you’re feeling terrible, and about today.
I hope you are resting and are feeling better.
BB took Orion to the Vans Warped Tour today, it was at the Hard Rock so we decided to meet up for a bit and eat before she went back.
The last time I was here you and I were day drinking, which turned to fucking then napping. This never happens.. it was so nice. *sigh*
Tequila drink was nice too.
Good night.
I feel so sick, I had to leave. I mean at least I can make it until I get home before I start crying like a mofo right? I’m never going to see you again, I mean I knew that logically but now it’s hit.
Fuck.
Fuck. I woke up a couple times today and thought not yet so I kept falling back asleep and now it’s way later in the day.. meh, whatever.
But I just woke up from a dream you were eating me out and was so close to orgasm and now I’m going to walk around a hacker con on edge all day. Fuck.
I’m sorry things are so shitty they’re beyond words. I know it’s not your intent to worry me, but I can’t help it and the fact that it’s the unknown (to me) makes it worse. I hope you were able to catch up on sleep in the sense that it was restful. I wish you could come to Vegas and tell me in person what’s going on. Maybe that would be easier than text. Idk. I just want you here cause I miss you. I’d be happy seeing you even if you still couldn’t explain it.
Running myself into the ground this week. No time to think, which makes the silent moments like this worse. I want to keep pushing but I have to at least try sleeping.
Idk what’s happening. Idk what you mean by its going to get very rough. I want to know what’s going on, I want to know if you’re okay, I want to help however I can so you’re not taking so much damage.. I say it like its HP, but it’s not a game, and I suck as a mage or a cleric irl anyway. I want to be there for you, and I feel like idk how, or like bending rules for this reason is only making everything worse. I want you to know you’re not alone, and I don’t want you to continue moving forward as if you were.
I feel like I cannot move forward without it breaking me.
I still haven’t completely come to terms with the reality that I have to love you from afar.
I need you.
Still waking up and crying.
I was thinking about a couple of the important people in my life, and some things, that disappeared from my life for literally years and came back. I guess it’s cause of the comfort around my neck that was gone for almost a decade.
There’s a post in my old LJ that talks about when Mel moved away to California back when we were still in high school. I cried so much, and she wasn’t able to keep in touch since she was in survival mode for years. I didn’t know her family had moved to Vegas, or that she moved back to Mesa later. I’d periodically search for her existence online throughout the years. Sometimes every 6 months, sometimes a year and a half would go by. I’d find relics from DA, or FF forums, and then found a link to a more recent alias on another art forum. Even this was years ago.
I literally looked for Mel for yeeears.
I’m glad we reconnected in AZ and talked about it, I’m glad she’s doing better in WA, I’m so happy I was her maid of honor last year, and will always have her in my life even if there’s some distance every now and then. I miss her right now. She goes silent and internalizes when she’s processing things, but I know we’ll always be there for each other, and we can always pick the conversation back up like we were watching anime and playing DDR a week ago.
Recently I was out at Artifice with a girl friend and we posted a photo online, and Gypsy responded in surprise that we knew each other. We’d both known Gypsy for years through different circles in different states, and had met in Vegas and recently become close friends ourselves. Gypsy is supposed to be here in October, and we can all get together. I met Gypsy a year after Mel when I was 15. She disappeared and I didn’t run into her again until I was 19. She’d been dealing with her own family and instabilities, but we kept in touch online even when she went to SF. She didn’t keep much of an online presence, I saw her once or twice while I was still in AZ and then once since moving here. Since she took care of some issues that were weighing her down and moved to Kent, she’s been interacting more online and I know I’ll see her this year, we might be doing a thing next spring. I was so happy when I found her again, and she’s been intermittent but I’m glad I’ve been hearing from her more the last couple years.
Ashe puts a lot of effort into seeing me on my birthday and I appreciate it so much. She’s been up here the last two years. We worked together and this guy we were both pseudo interested in introduced us cause he thought we’d hit it off and then we became bffs lol. She’s one of the best things to come out of that place. She was there for me the day I left AZ. We cried in each other’s arms. Sometimes we go on these chat spurts, but whenever I visit the hometown I always stay with her now. Even on the last minute overnight run when I crashed at Josh’s she still made it out to the event.
My history is a little bit of hope that the people who mean so much to me will always come back in my life, even if they have to disappear for a while.
You are my favorite kiss, my favorite sex, my favorite cuddle, my favorite partner, my favorite dinner companion, my favorite Netflix and chill, my favorite shared space to be me in, my favorite good morning, my favorite good night, my favorite dream, and my favorite piece of myself I ever shared with anyone. You are my favorite person.
Lloyd from Mr. Robot is S. Chow. Omg, the shit that comes out of his mouth.
I recognize more Linux than I thought I would.
I am enjoying the social engineering.
This shows accurate that pretty much every chick I ever met named Darline was a jerk.
Christian Slater is still Christian Slater.
Neil Diamond was a nice touch.
I had some crazy deja vu when Elliot first see’s the abandoned amusement park like indoor thing with the old school gaming cabinets and lights room and remembered the reoccurring childhood dreams I used to have where I’d wander arcades and find DDR machines, racing games, etc. Sometimes they were huge and sometimes there were a bunch of smaller rooms like they were sectioned off, but it wasn’t like Gameworks or anything. It was different. It was some weird endless arcade or carnival thing, sometimes I’d end up in long halls in hotels and find a casino floor, I’d find huuuuge grand staircases with dark wood handrails and red paisley carpet, and the color was so rich. And the wallpaper was a similar rich color with the old Victorian parlor or damask pattern. But, I’ve never seen a casino, hotel, or staircase like this irl or in media that I can remember. It made me think of the Colorado Belle in Laughlin but it’s still nothing like that. Those dreams were weird, it was always a lot of wandering, and I hadn’t thought about them in years.
The last show that reminded me of old reoccurring childhood dreams that got buried somewhere in my memories was Black Mirror. This is great.
I’m doing something awesome and I wanna tell you about it and I can’t. Ugh !@#$*^
Yesterday was weird. This is also a super TMI venting rant.
BB invited me to a thing earlier in the week and I accepted without thinking about it guessing it was a larger event she wanted to attend. Then I saw her comment on it and realized she made the event and was all oh cool it’s at Town Square so maybe it’s a group dinner or something. Then I realized it was for a movie premier for Bad Moms at 9:00PM, and I was all okay 9:00PM isn’t too bad, I’m already here, I’m leaving the office right before 8 and I could eat something. We ended up at this place called Neche that recently opened and I saw these two other ladies there, so I guess it was a pretty small get together or maybe some people didn’t show. The place has decent food and it’s pretty inside but it is slow af. I got a Japanese mule and it was pretty good. Apparently I like these things with whiskey or tequila, but not vodka. *shrugs* So we made small talk over dinner and BB works with this chick Janette, and her 6 month pregnant sister is with us, and they seem chill and all. We go to the movie, I don’t think I would have picked it out on my own but it was good with a group of chicks, we laughed a lot. It was packed, and I asked BB how much estrogen is in this room right now? And she was all a lot. And I said it was like we were at a women’s expo. Which was only funny cause my estrogens hella low on shark week, and I mentioned how next week when we’re back for Suicide Squad with Palo Alto it’ll be all men. Last night we only saw two guys in the theater. Next week I imagine BB and I will prolly be the only ladies, or there could be a couple more maybe. But it’s funny.
Oh man, and the sister, I feel bad I can’t remember her name. She was super nice and we were sitting there holding seats for the others and she asked me if I had kids, and I was all nahh. Do you want kids?? .. yeah, I’m just not there yet. And she was all bubbly like they’re so fun, and her sister in law warned her with the first it wouldn’t be all fun and games and would be hard but she enjoys it and now she’s about to have her second one, and I’m all that’s cool. The main character in the movie had her first at 20 and part of the issues it hit on was missing the fun part of their 20’s, and I was all… fuck if I make it out of my 20’s alive I’m gonna call that a win, and I am almost there. And when people get married why do other peeps start asking about babies like there’s a deadline? I know the nice pregnant sister was trying to bond and share some of her joy, but uhh, I’m good right now with not having that kind of responsibility. I would want a few years of marriage without kids, like I’m sure it’s great once you get there but you can’t go back, the time before that is finite if kids are in the future and I’d like a few years of one on one time before expanding.
And while chillin there in this estrogen fest I’m in my seat trying to ignore the stabbity stabbity pains I’m not used to at all. I usually don’t PMS bad, and I’m all… is this some kind of revenge for barely spotting last time that now I literally have chunks of uterus coming out of me? OMG why can’t you liquefy like every other month first GDI?! Why am I waking up to a murder scene between my legs every morning now?? And I started a day early too and I feel like my cervix is splitting in half. Yesterday morning I was wondering if this might be what it felt like if someone was raped and then split in half like in Urotsukidoji. I am not a normal person. I just went to a chick flick about moms and PTA meetings “being bad” by partying and not trying to be perfect anymore, while calling my uncontrollable bleeding “shark week” and comparing the pain earlier in the day to a hentai.. that’s not very subtle at all either.
But after all that we checked out McFaddens and it was hot inside and noisy and we were all screw this and went to Blue Martini and I got BB a cosmo and got a mojito, and we got a hookah and it was still stupid loud in there, like I hate crowded excessively loud venues where you feel like you planned poorly by not bringing earplugs. But at least the company was good. Janette and I were talking for a little bit and she asked if I listened to the kind of music that was playing and I was all noo, and handed her my iPhone. She only scrolled to the E’s, then said “I feel like I know you.” Which cracked me up cause the last time I handed an Apple device for someone to scroll through my music was you. My insides were committing seppuku back then too.. which was literally the only reason why I left. Weird. Anyway. BB and I took off a little after that and Janette hugged me saying I was her new favorite person lol. We are now fb friends.
And I am so annoyed whenever I’m in this state because I keep flipping between I feel miserable and I neeeed to get laid before I do anything else. Like lemme go hop in the shower and I’ll brb. I am going to consume massive amounts of coffee and chocolate. Somebody just put me out of my misery already.
Dear future husband,
Please pin me to the wall and fuck me haaard. And go down on me sometimes.
Also, I hope you enjoy receiving head as much as I enjoy giving it.. and don’t care that my nose gets runny sometimes and then I’ll run away after for a tissue. Any chick who denies this ever happening to her is a goddamn liar.
kthx,
– your future waifu
P.S. Today was weird af.
I just want sex, I just want sleep, I’m passing back out.
Sorry about the sev 1, looks like work kept you up again.
Bad cake!
I’m not supposed to drink text Pokemon, even if it’s at a Pokemon event on the strip. >_<
I’m so jealous, we’ll never symphony together. Or ballet or anything.