Congratulations on legally becoming female. You’d asked me if I was proud of you and I said I was, and I meant it. I still do. You’ve made some big changes in your life while overcoming the death of a loved one, domestic violence, and unique obstacles I cannot relate to, but can sympathize with as a woman. Recently I had stated that your interactions with me had become overbearing and had been making me uncomfortable over time. You immediately tried to cover this up as a misunderstanding that you love me as a friend and did not treat me as a significant other and were not trying to make sexual advances. But that’s not the point, you decided not to address my concern at face value. If someone comes to you with an issue, you cannot decide it’s invalid and try to change it’s context. So I reiterated I needed to be authentic to myself and reestablish boundaries with you. You said okay and that you would give me space.. which isn’t what I requested. I requested respect for my boundaries but if that’s the only way you know how to address the situation, I’ll take it. Instead of choosing to work with me on this, you decided to part ways, and I have to accept that.
I didn’t realize until today that you’d dropped me from social media too. Again that’s fine. But then I remembered all the times you’d made these posts about “real friends” and people who “actually supported you” instead of fake people. I really hope you didn’t lump me in as disingenuous or uncaring. I was there to listen, I showed up when your mother passed, I was there to talk when you were having a breakdown. I encouraged you to seek out help and reach out to any and all resources available to you. I understood your girlfriend was not being supportive and you didn’t have the foundation you wanted while you struggled with your demons. I can’t fill in the gaps she’s created. You asked me to be your rock and I explained I couldn’t be that person because I have my own things going on. I’m not trying to be selfish, but I have to draw the line for my own mental well being. Again, this is why I encouraged you to use all resources at your disposal, and not just rely on one or two. I was glad to hear you were going to therapy. When you fluctuated back and forth between fighting to hold on to being suicidal I didn’t know what to do. I tried to be a friend but I am not a professional when it comes to these things. Your life and willingness to live, or dissent into being suicidal cannot be on my shoulders. Again I encouraged you to go after help, and you have since said you’ve sought it out.
Friendship is a partnership like any dynamic. It is a mutual give and take and sometimes when we fall we need a little more from our friends. I understand that. The last few months has all been take and I don’t think you realized you had been pushing the envelope for a while. I tried to let things slide. I’d tell you about other friends who went through transition and how happy they were to be themselves to the world. Your insecurities are understandable while you are still discovering yourself. Your constant need for validation with your photos and asking “am I cute?” or “do I look alright?” and “am I doing this right?” were too much. A couple times would have been one thing, but we shouldn’t be asking other people to completely validate us as individuals, and that is too much pressure on one person. I should not have to shower you with words of assurance and complements. Do you have any idea how much of an awkward position you put me in with those solicitations? This had become a majority if our interactions. My other girl friends don’t do this to me, cis or trans. You asked me if I thought you were hot, you offered to show me your breasts in a photo and when I declined you asked me why I cared like it was a personal offense, saying it’s all the same anatomy anyway instead of respecting me. Just because I’ve chosen to exchange photos with women previously does not allow you that same access of intimacy with me, and to demand that role in my life without my permission or consent is wrong. Your behavior is an issue that is outside the scope of gender, and whether you want to realize it or not, expectations based on previous interactions with other people is a relic of rape culture. My boundaries are not up for discussion, and that is not a personal slight against you or anyone. You even asked me to poke your breasts to feel how firm they were in a parking lot. Now ask yourself, who does that?
I understand everyone handles events in their lives differently, but this is exactly what I mean by overbearing. I don’t know how many times I asked myself if you also had these interactions with other people, or other women, or just me? I appreciate you being comfortable enough to confide in me but that’s not free license to act this way. And you did not want to discuss this or actually dig into why I was bringing an issue up with you. I have to care enough, and believe a problem is solvable, to bring it up instead of walking. But you decided to walk. Which is okay. I hope you understand supporting you does not mean letting you slide on things. Support does not equal being a doormat, and if you believe otherwise you have a whole other issue that’s entirely unrelated to your transition. I hope you succeed in your endeavors and become the person you hoped to be inside and out. I hope that you don’t see me as an enemy, and remember me as an ally from a distance. I am certainly an ally of the LGBTQI community, and our interaction does not make me question where I stand in that regard.
