Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Quiet Storm

I have so many things I want to pursue, but I know I’ll never be good at any of them unless I dedicate myself to one at a time. So this cert is taking precedence right now. But I hate drowning in a black and white world that lacks creativity and new things. So this week I soldered things, made hot chocolate from scratch, started a new (to me) social media platform, and sous vide’d something (steak) for the first time. It worked out so well I did salmon the next day. They’re all baby steps… and mostly centered around food.

It’s been extremely difficult focusing on the big project and the bigger picture with how bad I’ve been wanting physical attention lately. I mean, that’s every day. I know, but lately it’s been harder to ignore. Everything always appears calm and orderly, but there’s always a storm inside. At least things seem to have normalized after the recent news hit me. There was a cancellation at the doc’s office and they called me to see if I wanted to come in sooner and I said hell yeah. That’s a plus I guess.

I want to eat good food, go to new places, and have a lot of sex. Am I asking for too much?

The Blood Moon

Why is it that everything has to happen at the same time? I’ve been PMS’ing for days and finally hit today. Apparently tomorrow is the full moon (it’s waxing at 99% right now) so I guess if I stop messing with chemicals I eventually end up back on the moon’s schedule. If I always bleed on the full moon… I wonder if that means I ovulate on the new moon. Does that assumption make any sense?

2:01AM

TSO texted me out of nowhere this afternoon, asking about my schedule next week and wanting to catch up. This kind of threw me off but it was intriguing enough, I decided to accept. We texted back and forth a little bit until he said he’d hit me up sometime next week. Jeremy also butt dialed me later in the evening. Two for two.

I almost texted you earlier to tell you about what I learned at the doctor’s office but decided not to. I don’t think I could have handled a lack of response today. It’s that reminder that texts back might not come up on the screen that keep me from initiating. I hate that I need you and it’s one sided. I hate that I can’t tell you what’s happening because it doesn’t feel welcome anymore, and it keeps adding to how much I already feel isolated. Some bits of this week were easier than last week, but the fact that I keep circling back here only proves my mind is still stuck in a loop.

I don’t know if you ever read this anymore. I don’t know if you ever want to talk to me or if you’re afraid or just uninterested. Or annoyed. I don’t know if seeing this would even prompt you to try, or if you care. I would hope that if you’re reading, you would at least attempt an inquiry. I’ve regressed to teenage cake with a shiny new disease without a cure, and with more promises of uncertainty, pain, and discomfort. Oh, and with the added bonus of being degenerative this time. When I “talk” to you I’m really talking to myself. I lash out, I get angry, I ball up and I cry, and I exhaust myself, and every ounce of my being unashamedly misses you. When I talk to myself it’s because I don’t know how to get back to you. And it’s scary. Everything is scary. I just want to tell you that. That’s all.

Funny things I’d want to tell you about

There have been some crazy organizational changes going on lately, but one of the funny things to come out of this is the peeps from the team my team is merging with have been LinkedIn stalking me. This cracks me up, apparently my teammates aren’t getting as much interest from the guys in the other building.

A little commentary

Me:  Just had this dream and thought of you and another friend

R: oh wow. I’d say that’s significant, though I can’t say exactly how

Me: Idk but it put Lacuna Coil’s Trip The Darkness in my head this morning. And I didn’t mean to sleep in this late today lol

R: I’ve been listening to them more often lately. And I’ve had more than a month of overly vivid dreams, though they fade quickly

Me: Interesting, I never really think mine have significance since I dream every night and it’s a lot of ridiculous nonsense, but today was weird

R: I suppose that if I were to offer an interpretation, it is that we can find comfort in the darkness with others, but we must all make our own way out separately
the temperature of, say, water, is just an average of the energy levels of the component molecules, which is why water will evaporate far below its boiling point: because some molecules are already boiling. The more exceptional you become, the more isolated you feel in some ways, since everyone you know is heading in a slightly different direction, but as you spend time with more exceptional people, the amount it helps your own growth is worth it.

Me: Interesting comparison. Have you been experiencing this?

R: The better parts of it only lately, though [gf’s] mind has been molding mine and vice versa for long enough that the isolation isn’t so troublesome since it isn’t absolute.

Me: That’s good. A strong partnership would be helpful in this context.

R: You’ll have trouble finding one because you are exceptional, but it will likely be more satisfying for it.

Me: Ty for saying that, it helps a little.

R: I think you have a much better set of criteria than most people do at this point, that will help too, i.e. you have a reasonably good sense of what is essential and what’s a deal breaker, and they aren’t petty things.

Me: It’s good and bad. It’s better when it’s good, it’s lonely the rest of the time.

I Walked Into The Room Dripping In Gold

Sabrina flew into town earlier today, we were cutting it too close to make brunch so we went to this really tasty gastropub by her hotel.  What’s crazy though is the music went from Purity Ring’s Begin Again right into the Adventure Club remix of Flight Facilities’ Crave You. Back . To . Back.  Seriously?  It’s my favorite Purity Ring song and the moon and earth bit make me think of him.  I’ve sent him the lyrics to Crave you, I creeped a friend out when I heard it playing somewhere and sang a few lines with it, apparently because I was spot on so at least I’m not going tone-deaf and that’s good, lol.  But this was so close to a playlist I have and both songs make me think of him.  I mean we have a lot of shared music but some hit a little harder than others.  The food was so good too, I’d want to take him there if he ever visited… but I abstained from texting about the music or sending food pics or girlfriend selfies.  It would have been pointless.  He wouldn’t have responded to me anyway.  Especially on a weekend.  I learn his patterns and then he changes them again with more gaps.  I was trying to figure out the communication drop off, which is hard when it’s been sloping down for a while, and it seems like it dropped off a lot since I relocated here.  Maybe before then but I’m not really sure anymore.  Why does it matter?  Why do I care?

My heart broke when I saw you kept your gaze controlled.

We were both liars

Somethings been eating at me for a while, longer than I really know or would care to admit.  I’ve been trying really hard not to push myself in any direction that could backfire on me or make matters worse.  I’ve tried distracting myself and staying busy within reason, dealing with the string of colds that have hit me back to back since I move here.  But none of this really matters.  You are still my first thought when I wake up in the morning and when I finally crash out at night.  You move into the background as I go through the day, sometimes you’re not there anymore, but you always come back.  I know this is one sided.  I don’t know how people move on from these sort of things.  I’m sure this kind of circumstance isn’t unique.  Everything I said last summer I meant, I felt with every ounce of my being, and it still stands true today.  We suffered great losses, or at least I did.  I’m not so sure about what goes on in your world these days.  We don’t talk nearly as much as we used to, and I know part of that is circumstance and lack of need professionally.  You have no business in Seattle.  I thought I counted for at least one reason to visit but I stopped looking at the calendar a while back.  I understand we all have people in our lives who we don’t talk to as much anymore, but can pick back up when we see each other, and still care the same, and those dynamics don’t diminish.  What got me though, was when I would force myself to cut you off, against everything I wanted, and you said you couldn’t stop talking to me because you’d gotten used to it.  That you could disappear from anyone or not talk to anyone for a long period of time, but I thought I was different.  Well, I guess you found a way.  I don’t even know what I was maintaining out of habit anymore.  I was happy putting effort in because it didn’t feel like effort to me. But that reciprocation has been drying up steadily for some time now.  I guess this is the curse of loving someone more than they ever loved you, and I’m not saying you didn’t because you don’t need to communicate as much as I do.  But entropy slowly creeps in when the silence grows, when the affection isn’t there.  That would happen in time whether there was distance or not.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.  I had a conversation with a friend who is trying to make something work with a girl up north of here he originally had to walk away from a couple years ago.  Their circumstances have changed to where they are viable now and he’s throwing himself in. He’s been driving from San Jose to pretty much the Canadian border every couple weeks to be with her and he’s trying to relocate here in an effort to solidify things.  There was another friend in Phoenix who was with a girlfriend he knew he hadn’t loved for the last two or three years, but wasn’t willing to rock the boat because they lived together and they each had kids from previous divorces.  He recently met someone and instantly fell for her, and it was reciprocated.  He was emotionally distraught because he didn’t want to hurt anyone and I explained someone would be at a minimum, if not all parties depending on what he did next. He already knew where his heart was and I urged him to cut it off with the old girlfriend before pursuing the new girl so he wouldn’t ruin something good.  He did it that weekend and he’s happy.  He just moved into a new apartment.  I know the old girlfriend is heartbroken right now but she has a chance to find the right person now, and he succeeded in cutting ties before starting with the new girl, no cheating, no gray area.  I was happy for both parties, I still genuinely am.  I am jealous that I never got the same chance with you.  I’ve been miserable.  I don’t know how to give up that misery, it’s been a question I’ve had for a long time.  I don’t know why I even feel like mentioning in here, that while I try to take each day as a small step forward and away from this, that I’m not running in any direction, away from anything, or towards anything.  I’m not looking for a replacement, you can’t replace people in your life.  I will never love anyone the same way I loved you.  I speak in past tense even though it’s still there buried inside.  When I do end up loving someone it will be different, and that is good.  At least you got what you wanted, even if it wasn’t perfect.  You got to keep me in your life, even if I had to make some adjustments.  You didn’t have to go without talking to me because you couldn’t stop.  Because I couldn’t stop, and I never learned how to just be a friend.  We were both liars.  I understand why, but you even stopped writing to me and that just made this hit harder.  You know, you wrote to me quite a bit last summer.  I believed everything you wrote.  I didn’t think I was just some escape while the world fell apart 500 miles away.  And you even stopped sharing pics of what you were up to with me and quit sending selfies.  You got to stop talking to me when you decided you could go on without me.  You never had to worry about if I stopped talking to you suddenly.  You never had to worry about being pulled back and forth, or being ripped and healed.  You’ve never been afraid to text me.  You don’t miss me.  Your mind doesn’t drift to me.  You never felt like you lost of a piece of yourself.  Because that’s all me.  That’s on my side, and that’s what I’ve felt.    It doesn’t kill you to not have me in your life, because you are able, and I am only an option, and one that you’ve been progressively ghosting.   You’ve never been jealous of my dreams or interactions with others.    You’ve never been intrigued by the possibilities of the future, because you always knew you would never give it a chance despite knowing you would never have to leap alone when it comes to me. It’s not even March yet, and I already know I won’t hear from you on my birthday and that’s unbelievably more soul crushing than I’d ever want to admit.   It’s all been frivolous talk to keep me sucked in, and I allowed it. There’s nothing you want to tell me but can’t.  We are not paper boats.  You ghosted, and I don’t know if you even realize it or if you even care now.  I’m grieving so hard and I don’t want to admit that.  A friend in Phoenix said the stress of moving somewhere new where you don’t know anyone is like dealing with the death of a loved one and to be careful because I’d be going through the seven stages of grief.  I said that sounded like a very extreme comparison and he said to just be careful about making big decisions or commitments.  And I forgot about that and a few days later I woke up and it felt like I was dying inside.  And I feel like I did last year when I had no closure and was trying to grasp at it when I thought that was it.  And then when things picked up after I thought it was okay because context was different but at least then you were being consistent.  And this is compounding now.  The weight of this move and with you are spiraling.  And if all you wanted to do was play me, you succeeded, and if you didn’t and this makes you sad you brought it on yourself.  But you can’t be surprised.  I didn’t make this.  You may have sadness in your life, but I am not the source, because I have never closed you off, not until I realized you were no longer listening. I stop reaching out when people stop responding.   I stop responding when I can’t trust people to be consistent.   I’m spiraling.  I’m writing this so I can get it out and sleep.  You’re no longer there anyway.  Were you ever there? Because you never kept up with the little things, and it’s the little things over time that make and break everything.

Just empty words.

Passion

I’ve been meaning to write this out of my system for a while but haven’t really had the time, or had the attention span to sit at the computer long enough to do it.  Last Thursday I went on a date with this guy, and it cracked me up cause I’ve been marathoning Buffy and Angel lately, and I told a girl friend if Angel were 6’4″ and Chinese American, he would be this guy, there’s no other way to describe how he looks.  Anyway, he picked me up and we went to the international district for hot pot then to a place in capitol hill where they have bowling and billiards and he gets us a table.. and I’m just thinking… omfg.  Because I suck at this so bad, it’s never been my game, this is my dad’s game.  And it’s not fair because his reach is way better and he tutor’s math while studying aerospace engineering.  So we fumble through a couple games (and I did a little better than I expected when I was patient) but this is a game of patience and after a couple rounds apparently we didn’t have much left.  So we chatted about a lot of random stuff, and the conversation flowed well… I mean it wasn’t a bunch of small talk but it was barely scratching the surface when getting to know someone and I was trying to figure him out.

He asked me what I liked to do for fun or what I did back in Phoenix I mentioned that I used to go dancing in goth clubs and he said he could see that, and then I mentioned I used to go to karaoke some nights with a group.  I acknowledged it’s hard to find time when working and going to school full time, and we’re both doing that right now, so I asked him what he liked to do whenever he had some time, or what he’d like to do if he had time.  He wasn’t very specific, but eventually mentioned snowboarding and being out on the mountain.  I mentioned how I really enjoy driving, and how I used to go to Jerome and Flagstaff, or how I used to get away to Mt. Charleston when I was in LV.  That was my little haven.  And the patience thing came up again cause he mentioned how he used to draw, paint, sculpt, and do other things but quit years ago because he didn’t have the patience for art… my problem isn’t a lack of patience for art.  I mean I lack patience sometimes for some things but you don’t need patience to create.  My problem is a lack of time.  The concept of not having the patience to do something (you supposedly want to do) kind of hurts my head.  B made a comment about architects and civil and aerospace engineers being like this, which is funny cause the guy was an architect major before switching to aerospace engineering, so I guess some stereotypes are there for a reason. Omg. I just had to ignore the art bit to continue the night.

The music at the venue was a bit hit and miss and kind of random but at some point Johnny Cash’s Walk The Line started playing and he noticed my head moving side to side and made a comment about it, and that’s when I was all oh hey Johnny Cash is a classic, and has influenced so many musicians.  So I thought this was perfect, you can really learn something about someone from music.  So I ask what he listened to or what concerts he went to and he mentioned getting dragged for Mariah Carey, and I was all dude I saw Britney Spears in Vegas and it was a great show.  He mentioned some other shows but made it sound like it was because someone else wanted to go and he was just along for the ride.  I mentioned the last show I went to was Orgy and PM5K a couple weekends ago and it was amazing! I’m so glad it was my first show here, and originally I was gonna go see KANGA in January but missed it cause I was sick.  Before moving here I saw Three Days Grace at the Hard Rock on my bday, and TBM before that at the same venue, and that’s when he said he didn’t recognize any of those names so I mentioned how the last show I saw before leaving Phoenix was Depeche Mode and Crystal Castles, and he recognized Depeche Mode.  lol oh em jee.  He said there was this one time he went with a group to karaoke (he doesn’t sing) and everybody there was singing to this song and a friend asked him why he wasn’t joining in, and he said because he didn’t know the lyrics.. and I’m thinking well, they’re on the screen, but I asked if it was Bohemian Rhapsody and he said no.  Then I asked if it was Journey and he said it was a David Bowie song, and I asked him if it was Ziggy Stardust or Fame and he said he didn’t know.  So I asked him what did he like to listen to, and he said rap and metal and I immediately wondered if I was dealing with a closet ratchet Asian but blurted out my second thought which was that’s an interesting mix.  He elaborated that he doesn’t really listen to the lyrics and phases them out, and it’s the fast pace of the music that helps him study.  So he listens to music while studying, which is cool and I’ve read articles on this but.. wow.  And then he said he didn’t understand why music was such a big deal to people since it’s never been a big part of his life and I wondered if this was just a thing with Chinese people and I was like nono stop… that’s racist. XD  So I dropped that thought and explained how when you meet someone new, if you find commonalities in music whether it’s a shared favorite band or song, it could be a clue on other non music related interest you might share, or maybe you both went to the same concert even if it was in different cities and it’s something to talk about.  I told him about the times I started talking music with people and have handed them my ipod touch before I got an iphone and they scrolled through my artist list only to hand it back and say “I feel like I know you,” and that is an exact quote.  Or I’ve had these amazing conversations about music lineage with Sister Machine Gun influencing NIN, and then we have Marilyn Manson and Filter.  I didn’t even get to the Johnny Cash stealing NIN’s Hurt bit, or the How To Destroy Angels connection.  I mean, I’ve always known this, but I can really see how much I’ve paid attention to and loved music just ranting these examples out, or how much I’ve shared with friends, how many friends I’ve made, or how bridges were built because of this.  Well, when we were leaving he made a joke about the Mariah Carey concert and I was all.. nah, I like Mariah Carey too lol.  I appreciate her music and skill, and then made some You Don’t Mess With The Zohan jokes but he hadn’t seen that Adam Sandler movie so oh well.

And I mean the conversation continued to flow, just not through music.  And we talked about each other’s professional and educational backgrounds and when I started talking tech he didn’t really contribute other than to acknowledge and make a couple jokes.  We ended up sitting in his car for a while chatting and I invited him up for coffee so we could continue and get out of the cold.  We talked about some random stuff, upbringing, religion, he grew up in SF, me and Phoenix.  He pointed to his lip at one point and asked me if it ever got in the way referencing my lip piercing and I was like no, and he was all not even eating, or drinking?  So I grabbed my coffee cup and took a drink, then tried clinking my piercing with it and it took effort.  I almost asked him if he wanted to test it out but didn’t feel like saying it… which looking back is very unlike me.  Something was still missing that I couldn’t place.  He’s good looking, intelligent, driven, available, converses well, and has a nice personality so I wasn’t sure if I was just being a butt as Anne would call it or if it’s because he was different from everyone else before.  Different isn’t bad, I don’t have to be with someone in tech or someone who is a musician but this was kind of getting ahead of myself anyway.  Who knows, we could end up being friends but there was no way I could seriously date him, and I knew this, and he was kneeling on my floor while I was curled up in my office chair and he kissed me, so I randomly asked if my piercing got in the way and he laughed and said no and we hooked up, and it started out alright but it was almost 2am and with out schedules we were both exhausted and not going to orgasm, and I know the first time with a new partner can be awkward sometimes, and I also didn’t realize how run down I was since it’s half a week later and I’m dying.  He was nice about everything and joked we should do a lunch date next time so it’s earlier in the day and we’re not so tired.  I was relieved about his comment and perplexed (at myself).  Thankfully he left shortly after so I didn’t have to kick him out, and then I just crashed out for the night.  But what’s perplexing is I’ve been sleep deprived, exhausted, and even sick, and have still found some energy reserve to have great sex before.  It just didn’t happen this time.

I’m on a weird 50/50 split on how I’d feel if he ghosted me, like part of me wouldn’t care and the other half is like look at me, how could anyone ever ghost me?  And… I can talk to almost anyone about many things, but the tech and music… tech and music are kind of my things here.. which is why I guess I always somehow ended up with guys in tech even though the chef was an exception, and he was still part of the Defcon crowd and had music.  I spoke to my girl friend at work about it the next day and she said it sounded like he lacked passion, and I was all yes!!! Omg yes.  She nailed it, that’s exactly what I was trying to find and couldn’t and didn’t know how to word it.  And we agreed that you don’t have to like all the same things but it’s important to be passionate about something in in your life.  And she said she noticed most people who tend to not care about music, tend to not be passionate.  I mentioned how the sex wasn’t bad but wasn’t anything super mind blowing either and that probably translated into the lack of passion thing, and I mentioned how I kind of got the sense that some people have huge dicks and think they don’t have to really put any skill into it and she was all ohhh yeah no, and I said if I wanted something mechanical I could go out and buy it, but if I want to participate with someone I need more.. and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since I already said first time can be weird and she was all yeah, and I said it’s because of that, that I might be willing to give him another shot and she said that was nice of me to consider it, and then I elaborated I might give him another shot in bed and maybe develop a friendship, but I’d never be able to actually date him.  I’d have to be able to see what drives him.  The fact that I couldn’t catch that is already off-putting.  There is no spark between us.  There is no fire.  Which is really funny that he asked me what my sign was and I threw out dragon because we were in Chinatown, and I knew what he meant, and in my head I’m thinking seriously? Cause atheist.  But I answered Aries, and he’s Leo.  Oh yeah, he matches Leo personality. *sarcasm* We have two fire signs here, lol. We texted a couple days later and the conversation died after that.  We’re both stupid busy anyway, and I don’t feel like I’m losing anything.

But yeah, my girl friend and I agreed most people in our industry are passionate about tech too, we’re not apathetic about it.  I was at the Orgy PM5K show with her and her bf, and he called the show “life affirming” and she agreed.  I agreed, it was absolutely amazing.  And it doesn’t matter what it is, but we need to be around people who can joyfully share those life affirming moments with us, and who want to discuss the things they’re passionate about.  I jokingly asked her if I was asking for too much because I’d like to find a tall, handsome man who is in tech and who loves music and who is passionate, she was like no you’re in Seattle, like it’s reasonable. lol.  I said I couldn’t claim a Seattle celibacy streak anymore and she was like that’s great but I was all meh.  I hadn’t been with anyone since I was in Scottsdale last September, not that I’m counting or anything.  I learned how to get over a lack of interaction in LV years ago, and it takes a lot just for me to.. someone has to hit a few marks before I will ever sleep with them, so this doesn’t happen often.  We’re not even talking about foundation building yet, no one has come close in years.  Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time but I’m tired of doing nothing.  And it’s not a complete loss, I learned more about what I needed by seeing what was missing.  Generally I won’t do something or invest in anything or anyone unless my heart is in it.  I guess that’s not a bad thing, sometimes it’s just annoying.  My inner hedonist is conflicted, or what I want has changed over the years and I have some screwed up idea that I can abstain from instant gratification for something better.  That almost sounds too close to the “logic’ theology likes to use.  But I can’t be anywhere where there’s no passion.  Idk what I’m doing, it’s 2am and I’m thinking in circles again.  I’m just moving forward.

11:11PM

After being super depressed and not eating properly (inconsistently) for a week I forced myself to go downstairs to the wine bar next door and eat a proper meal. They have this lentil salad with apple and vinaigrette and this fish in parchment paper that was hella tasty, and then I killed three glasses of wine.. but that last one was a dessert wine to go with the cute little Madeline cake cookie thing.  So after a shitty day I can’t complain. And I only had to be outside for two minutes at most.

When I got in I was just thinking how nice it would be if there was a gorgeous man on my couch for me to get on top of and enjoy for a while.

But one can dream. *sigh*

28 going on 17

Why am I crying at 11:43PM? I guess cause I’m ridiculously exhausted emotionally/mentally/physically pick your favorite context, whatever. I picked up where I left off with Buffy and have been watching back and forth with Angel. I never watched Angel when it was running and missed the bits where the two played off each other, and got to the episode where he becomes human and Buffy is eating cookie dough ice cream and talking about peanut butter and chocolate in bed with him and I’m going omfg and you already know it’s not going to last but you can’t not take that opportunity because there it is… and then he had to give it back, and fuck that! And then he’s the only one who’ll remember it and I can’t tell if it’s worse to remember or worse to forget? That heartbreak. That felt like July. Or was it June? A lot of last year bled together.

Ugh, and I’m all sleep deprived and PMS-y and I can’t even. I finally got some sleep last night after the whole thing with floof over the weekend and it wasn’t enough. My body decided to go into maintenance mode, it was so hard to wake up and go to work today, I kept hitting snooze.. which is bad.. and kept falling right back into rem… which is also bad. Why can’t my body decide to catch up on sleep on the weekends? And I feel so shitty about everything that happened with floof and I’m glad he’s with a better foster, but I’m so sad about everything.

Trying to date fucking sucks, trying to adopt a dog fucking sucks, and being alone in a new city fucking sucks. Being alone in general fucking sucks, but I don’t have it in me to change that.

Was I cursed or something?

2:32AM

10 x 20 unit quiz questions

300 x 3 practice questions loop

1 x 100 practice exam

I’ve cycled through 1200 questions this week, 1020 of them today (er.. last night, whatever).

Idk if I’m going to pass tomorrow. I can’t stay awake and do the last two practice exams… maybe if I’m awake enough in the morning before I go to the thing. *sigh*

The hard road

Spacing out in the middle of studying for an exam thinking about.. maybe in a couple of years I’ll transfer to Mountain View and go to grad school at Stanford. I’m still cursing my undergrad right now, this is crazy talk. XD

That moment when..

Me: I had one of those “that moment when you make out with someone you had a crush on since like 2010 or 2011” moments.

B: Haha that’s great I hope it goes well

Me: Ty! I think it is already, we geeked out and talked about a lot of industry shenanigans we pulled, and I asked him about Marissa and he explained how they’ve been open, then were monogamous for a while, now they’re open and are basically exploring.  She’s seen a couple people, apparently I’m the first person he’s asked out since their relationship has been evolving in this direction, so that felt kind of flattering.. I mentioned my surprise since I had my own crush in Phoenix and didn’t wanna creep and he explained I was kind of off limits because we worked for the same company back then and I was all say no more. I get it.

I’m so happy right now because I’m more content in the love I have for Josh, but I can love him and still see other people. The concepts don’t “compete for resources” or anything. So I’m not feeling as alone anymore, and actually allowing myself to date feels pretty good

B: That’s all great to hear!

Adventures in… dating?!

Me: I went to a security meetup last night and got drunk and listeneed to a talk about hacking medical devices from the guy who did the research and wrote the white papers and worked with the FDA on ish and I ran into a long time Phoenix crush there I hadn’t seen in yeeeeeears and forgot he moved to WA too and he was kind enough to give me a ride home and then messaged me on here after he got home asking if he could take me out on a date and I was alll…. DID I READ THAT RIGHT??? So I put the phone down and went to sleep so I could reread it in the morning to be sure XD

B: Haha right on. Go you

Me: Sheeeeet.. This is gonna be different tho, I think he has a gf and is poly, so it can’t be a romantic thing for me but it can be a fun thing. We still like fun, fun is good.

B: Yah. Maybe a fun thing is all you need right now.

Me: Need is such a strong word XD
Holy shit
I have two dates

B:fuak yah! haha

Me: Wtaf, who’s life is this?!

B: Yours miss. All yours.

Me: This shit never happened in Vegas

B: Thats because Vegas is POS

Me: It didn’t happen much in Phoenix either, so hilarious one is with the guy from Phoenix.
Aweeee, well… I can’t argue that lolololol

B: Yep haha

5:43AM

Randomly woke up and heard sirens and couldn’t immediately fall back asleep. Saw a post online that surprisingly triggered some memories from the end of 2012 (hey we’re in December) and remembered some terrible things. But it’s been 4 years and I’ve come a long way. I’m further along in my education and profession. I’ve held on to good friends and met new ones. Mom is here with me while I get settled in a new city. I’m telling myself I can calm down cause I made it through 2012. That year was absolutely terrible, I’ll never forget that feeling of betrayal and hopelessness.  I almost gave up. I thought I lost the world but ended up gaining so much more.

Gonna try to go back to sleep.

Reality resembling nightmares

I ran myself into the ground, and haven’t really written much about the move here because it’s been nonstop firefighting everything, even simple things have to be hard, and of course I’m sick.  Every day trying to learn new things in a new environment, every weekend buying things for the new place and not getting back until the sun goes down.

So I decided today I would take a break and walk to breakfast with mom and go to the market and see water.  Something felt off, like there was some dejavu and heavy concern, it was way windier than I had expected, and it’s been overcast but these clouds were so dark and it was sprinkling off and on.  Then I remembered the dream I had a while back when mom was driving my car and water filled the streets and she exhaled before I woke up, so I can only imagine she drowned.  I had this dream a year and a month ago.  I remembered this dream standing next to my mother on 2nd Avenue and Pine, in the rain, while looking at the water.  What timing. And all of a sudden that insane dream felt too real.

Ive been thinking more about earthquakes because everyone’s saying how it’s overdue here.  My friend who also lives here happened to be visiting home in New Zeland when that huge earthquake hit.  It was bad, I saw an article that said there were 17,000 aftershocks. And then poor Japan was hit with an earthquake in Fukushima again!  I know earthquakes happen all the time and aren’t usually noticeable unless you look them up, but these are major. And then Japan and the pacific islands had tsunami warnings, and I understand the water I’m looking at is the sound and it’s not directly the ocean, but water could flood the channel from the pacific into the sound and that could be bad.  I read another thing that if you’re within 2 miles of the water it’s best to move to higher ground.  So I Google mapped it and I’m less than a mile and a half from water. I hate that dream. I hate that feeling standing on 2nd avenue.