Category Archives: Uncategorized

At the Velveteen Rabbit.

I don’t know what to make of this city. Years ago I reluctantly came here, healed here, found the hidden gems here, and found love here… of all places. It was the last thing I was looking for, in the last place I’d expect.

This week I came here for refuge, and I’m glad I could see you first before arriving. I’ve been decompressing the last two days, and I think it’ll be enough to get me through for a while. I don’t know what 2018 is going to look like, but I think things will get better from here.

This place is our playground. I’m going to some of our favorites, and I wish I could enjoy them with you right now.

My heart breaks a little every time we have to part.

But it’s always so full when we’re together that it overruns.

Happy bibimbap day.

I win the Internet today. Or some nicer luck this month. Or more sleep cause it’s not even 7am yet omg.

Side note: just remembered yesterday was Usagi’s birthday from Sailor Moon. Lol

He’s available, that in and of itself is kind of a feat.

But we’re on the opposite side of the planet.  He’ll be here soon-ish.  We have plans in late August.  He mentioned wanting to transfer here, and that was something he wanted before we knew each other.  This is scary.  I don’t know if I can even take this seriously.  I mean… nothing can even be discussed or humored until we see how we do in person… I’ve officially ran without any kind of romantic dynamic for a long long time, and the last time I tried to pour myself into something it almost killed me.  I came out alive,  I came out different, but I don’t know if that means I made it out better.  I don’t know if there is enough optimism and hope left to sustain me… again.  This one actually seems feasible in the long run.  This is scary.

I feel like I am constantly having to learn, and relearn, and rebuild myself.  Keep and improve what I like, unlearn the traits I don’t want to keep for myself.  Try to go after things and not be fearful of a poorly placed investment… be willing to keep taking calculated risks, keep taking chances on others.

Jay taught me what I didn’t want.

Josh taught me what I wanted, and could go after if things were right.

The one will be someone who exhibits the things that I want in my life, and that I also exhibit  for them.  The only difference this time is they must also be available, and ready to leap with me.

I can’t believe this person is a Jewish chef, who appreciates my counter culture, who also travels, who is also in my industry, and is really fucking smart. This almost feels like some cosmic joke. This terrifies me.  It seems like there’s always a catch, and while I’d feel foolish to not continue exploring this… I always feel like I’m damned if I do and damed if I don’t.  There will always be disappointment and heartbreak somewhere down the line.

My romances always seem to start in the summer.

It’s being shipped to my office.

Infatuations are scary… I don’t want to give my hopes up.

We met 3 years ago today.

I know you don’t like celebrating things, and today is just some ordinary day to you, but I feel like acknowledging it here in my own space.  Today meant something special to me.  And if I could, I would celebrate holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries like Wade and Vanessa.

I miss you less, and more.  It is weird.

Saw something I never see while out today,  two blue Toyota Yaris…es… Yaris’ .. Yarises? Idk how to write that.

I have the moon in my hands again, I guess to celebrate my last ovulation for a while.  Man I hate feeling feverish like this for no reason.  Today has been constantly up and down.  Also very entertained with a fancy purchase I made that arrived yesterday.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmaeIlqqNCM

Saturday morning was a blessing, it’s all been downhill since then.

It’s bright out, and the forecast says it’ll be sunny all week, it’s like a miracle.

Ive been slowly shifting my time on smaller projects to build up momentum towards larger goals, and have been reminding myself that learning how to rest doesn’t mean I’m quitting. Prioritizing and moving forward doesn’t always coincide with emotional contentment but after some consistency and an almost regular sleep habit I feel a little sharper than I have in a while. And the sting of what usually occupies my mind has dulled for now, thankfully.

I’d been upset over things I had no control over for a very long time, and added fuel to the fire by contriburing to those things with my own actions.  You’ve been honest enough to not fight for me, even though I was insistent that you were the one.  Past the frustration and heartache, I could never be angry at you for your honesty, and it was wrong of me to try and force you into a role you didn’t want to fill.  We have a mutual understanding that we care for one another, and that’s sufficient.  You’re not the love of my life, and I’m not the love of yours as I’d previously hoped to be.  And that’s okay, it gives me the chance to appreciate days like today, and weeks like this.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been this hopeful.  And it gives me the chance to be open when I find the one who will fight for me as I would for them.

Every prince is a fantasy, the witch is inside of me…

I went out to the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival for a little bit last night before grabbing food with a friend.  I didn’t realize until after one of the dishes was tempura fried and thought one night would’t kill me and I would resume my clean eating today (I hate that terminology so much).  I woke up feeling like I had the flu and was just in a car accident.  I didn’t know it could feel this bad after avoiding gluten for a while.  So I guess there’s that.

The star will shine, and then it’ll fall.  And you will forget it all.

I’ve made the hard decision to not complete the scholarship and to formally withdraw from university for now.  I’d been making it a priority to put sleep first, then eating regularly, working, going to my appointments, and then finally handling the apartment and doing school last, those last two competed for time and energy if either actually happened.  This wasn’t sustainable and I had a lot of pride to shake off to admit it.  But I’ve destroyed myself before trying to not let anything go, and then failed at it all.  I feel defeated and heartbroken about this.  And I keep trying to remind myself that I made it through a move and learning a new job, and now I’m starting all over again learning yet another job.  Everything has been different the last three weeks.  I’m tired of feeling guilt every time I borrow time to breathe, leave the apartment, and see a friend or go to an event.  And I need time that’s not dedicated to work or school for my own sanity.  I don’t want everything slipping out of my hands again, I don’t want to destroy my health, and I really hate feeling like a glass canon.  Hopefully scaling down now means I can pick this back up later when there’s more bandwidth.  One of my mentors said she wasn’t sure how I was appearing sane when I was in the office during the day.  A friend said catching myself before falling shows I’ve matured since the last time I faced this kind of decision.  I get it logically, but it’s not sinking in emotionally.  I don’t feel that way.  I don’t know if I waited too long but I’m hoping I caught myself, I hope I did better this time.

And after midnight we’re all the same.

I knew I would ebb and flow with you, and I knew neither of us would ever be angry, sad, or upset about silence again.  That still rings true for me, and I hope that’s true for you.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you, I always have.  I like that things aren’t loaded anymore.  But I can tell there’s been a residual bit of sadness and hope I’ve been trying to work through or ignore.  I also still have a problem you acted spitefully against me.  I’m not holding a grudge, I’m not angry.  Just disappointed.

We’re falling apart.

Forcing anything has always backfired.  But it’s true, I thought there were things I’d do for the first time in this city with you.  Approaching a year without you was giving me anxiety.  Buying a house on Vashion was giving me anxiety because I felt like you weren’t doing it right.  I have no right to think that.  It’s none of my business.  I always hoped it’d be different.  I wanted you closer to me, I wanted you with me.  I keep writing “I” so selfishly.  I mean I’d never dreamed or imagined how my hypothetical wedding should go as a child, and thought if it ever happened I’d figure it out later with the person I’d marry, but for some reason Mt. Charleston came to mind.  Never ever thought in a million years that would be my ideal, but I now have happy memories and sentimental value there.  It would be like: go to the mountain, do the thing, then go back to the airport for wherever destination #2 is and gtfo, lol.  Gullible silly me.

Their colors are paling in the falling rain.

But seriously,  I think where I’m at is a testament to the fact that I haven’t allowed any of this to hold me back from making the right decisions for my life, what opportunities to push for, where to go, how to live.  As sad as I am that it’s been yet another factor keeping you away, I am still glad I encouraged you to take the offer where you are now.  It sounds like it’s still stressful (that sounds like a given no matter where you’ll end up at your level), but it sounds like you get more out of where you are now in return and for that I am happy.

Looking like a compromised suicide.

I have been trying to mind myself when interacting with you, and trying to match your cadence.  Sometimes I don’t have it in me to initiate anymore and enjoy the silence.  Sometimes when you respond I try not to overload and feel like I’ve failed.  And I feel like sometimes I lag behind by a few days on that.  I love and miss you.  I just assume there’s a residual bit of love for me left in you.  A lot of that is based on how you used to write to me.  We’re not together until we’re physically together… that’s true.  I’ve been hoping you’d prove me wrong, but  I don’t ever expect to see you again.

Keeping all my dreams alive.

Next weekend I am going to PJ Harvey, then in a couple weeks I’ll be at TBM.  I know I’ll wish you were there, since you missed the first round.  I mean you were in SF and I was in LV, but you were in SF and I was in LV.

I’m trying to enjoy my time here more, find more room to breathe.  I hope this downsizing obligations thing works and I can keep making better adjustments over time.

There’s a new moon tonight, and I can feel it.

Still a little entertained our scent dopples have been throwing us off lately.  We haven’t been in each other’s presence in 8 months, we’re going to be approaching a year soon.  I guess there are little nuances and things that remind us of other people, but there’s something about scent that feels physically closer, almost like you could close your eyes and reach out,  maybe feel soft silky sheets against skin… or fabric from a shirt.

How do we still remember the way we smell? (It’s just a reminder of time and distance)

Could you imagine waking up next to me every morning?  In a warm bed with fluffy pillows and soft sheets, and a sea of blankets to cuddle and play in?  You already know my favorite way to spend mornings.  Weekends could start lazy, waking up when the sunlight starts to peek through the blinds with slow movements and affections, and would escalate.  Then coffee, breakfast, shower, maybe round two some mornings depending on what’s on the schedule for the day.  But that sounds like a perfect weekend to me.  And home base might be up here in this little part of the world, but we could wake up anywhere, and it would be perfect.

And we could have a home, maybe single story? Do those even exist out here?  I’m not sure… but I know there would be lots of trees out back and it would be pretty.  There could be a fireplace, and a large kitchen with two ovens, and it would smell like espresso and cinnamon, it’ll be cozy.  And there’d be a room full of books, maybe one for crafts and insane projects, maybe gaming? Pfft, systems would just take over the main room, I mean it is us after all.  Here’s a big one, we’ll finally figure out how to manage a work life blance.  Maybe we have a cute dog, maybe two.  They’d have a lot of room anyway.  And mom would have her own suite on the other side of the house so she’d still be there but we’d still have privacy.  I know she’ll be busy making kimchi and other banchan with her group of friends.  Maybe someday we have a couple kids.  They might be blood, they might be adopted, but they will be loved the same regardless.  And they will travel the world with us.  I mean winters here are kind of crazy, we could go to Hawaii or Maldives in December.  We’d have to visit family landmarks in Japan and Korea.  We’ll go everywhere, we kind of have to since it’s necessary to reach one of my goals.  I don’t think anyone would mind.  I don’t think I’m asking for too much from this world, I just want to wake up next to the love of my life every morning, and I want to build a life together.

I had a little bit of a mini melt down today, which I still can’t understand.  I’ve wanted nothing more than for you to be near me.  I mean we lived in the same state for years and never even knew it.  Tucson’s only what.. an hour and a half away from Phoenix? Two hours at most?  I don’t know… and that one time when you said you weren’t sure if you’d move to Vegas or if I’d move to the Bay Area, if we pulled the trigger on this, I mean I already knew I’d go to you, and I’d make it happen no matter what.  I was ready, I was ready for a year before you made my heart give up.  And I struggled with myself, and stopped fighting myself and chastising myself (finally).  And I let my heart swell, I let the overwhelming emotion ebb and flow as it needs freely, it’s just easier than fighting myself in an already impossible to swallow situation. I try to encourage myself to make little steps forward as time goes on.  I already did the big ones, new city, new job, new-ish mini career change, new people, clean slate, no history.  It’s good and bad, it’s still different.  It’s still foreign even though its slowing becoming the new norm.  It’s still painfully lonely.  And I know current circumstances with still adjusting to living alone + work and school exacerbate that sometimes, and I’m constantly reminding myself this is temporary and it’s for the greater good, even though I don’t know what that looks like or what it actually is yet.  I’m so taxed right now but I know I’m on the edge of obtaining some things I’ve wanted very soon.  So it’s okay, because there’s the light for a couple things.  But with you, this isn’t temporary.  I struggled against that so much, and I felt like when it eventually clicked, the world really was black and white again.  When I couldn’t see you in my future in the way that I’d hoped, I felt like I’d fallen from heaven, and everything is harsh, and bleak, and cold.  But I just keep going day by day, what else is there to do?  So you’re peeking at properties here off and on, and you’ve always wanted to come here and are still holding on to that dream.  That’s good, I’m glad you hadn’t given up on that.  It’s just, when we both ended up here I didn’t expect it to be like this.  I didn’t think you’d bring Anna with you.  For a long time I kept wishing she’d find someone who came from family money, like stupid money and was a closet slave masochist and she could latch on and use him and they could be happy doing whatever it is they would do.. idk.  That’s obviously not my thing.  But she’s still an excuse.  I thought she was holding you emotionally hostage with her suicide threats, but she’s already established she’s conned and used men before you, she’s probably doing it now with whoever she’s cheating on you with, and she doesn’t give a fuck because she’s got everything.  If she “lost” you, she has backups.

I’m mad you can hold on to a dream like Seattle and can take steps to get closer to it, but you can’t do the same for me.  I’m mad at myself, I’ve figured out all the above and I’m still emotionally attached and suffering.  What does that make me?

I need to study.

She already established a pattern of manipulating and using men for whatever she wanted and needed long before she met you… and she actively cheated on all of them, and we believe she’d kill herself if you walked out… when she’s that selfish? I can’t even be angry at her when this is her nature. It’s what she did before she met you, it’s what she’ll continue to do after you, and during you for that matter.  You’ve already confirmed she’s cheated on your more than once.  Even if you tell her you don’t want her going on dates with whoever hits on her at work, she’ll do it with or without your blessing.

I can be mad at you for knowing this and allowing her to continue to have this power over you. Then I’d only continue to be mad at myself for sacrificing any more energy towards this since you won’t change anything.  You’re making excuses or your in denial.

I wish I put this together a couple years ago, fuck… a year ago would have been helpful.

I’ll never get to say these things in person, not that there’s any guarantee I would have gotten a straight answer if I ever even had the chance to make these statements.

Been enjoying the witchy vibes today after a crazy week.  Class hasn’t killed me *yet* and I’m getting caught up around the apartment and am cooking more, birthday plans have been published with plenty of notice, and Shaun is coming up to visit me before he starts a new job.

And Mike was posting nice things online and she wrote a thing that made me feel so good: “You are fierce, you are a fighter. You live with chronic illness and you do NOT let it keep you from succeeding and being successful. Also, you are one of the most attractive people I know. You have this heart shaped face that just looks so wonderful with your hair.”

I feel the love. T^T them feels, yo.

Tonight I was told that I give gentle hugs.  Like I embrace but am very light. I’d never heard this before and for a second it felt alarming, then I explained how it was probably because I’m wimpy. And then I explained the fibro means not much of a grip sometimes, feeling weak and not having a lot of strength in my arms and they understood it.

But then I wondered how much of that was true, or maybe it was today because I happen to be flaring. I’ve glomped friends, and tackled you down to the bed, and maybe you just let me but still I have enough momentum to do these things. I wonder if it’s really depending on who it is and how my body is feeling at the time. But it’s weird trying to figure out how I felt at that time and if it seemed like my body was hesitant to embrace, like it wasn’t willing to give any strength there and gentle hugs are a thing. What flags are my brain firing that I can’t consciously see yet? What am I not seeing?

I want a husband who will be supportive of my profession, pursuits, and passions. And I want nothing more than to do the same in return.  I want that kind of love.