Category Archives: Dreams

You’re going to be in my dreams a lot for the next few weeks aren’t you?

I had a dream I was bitching to some dsl provider about a lan line and had to go into this telco room in my home and fuck with these coax cables but they were fiber. Nothing matched. >_>

Edit: I think it’s funny how I woke up from an ISP issue dream and this afternoon we had a Comcast outage.

This pink zombie teddy bear was only a zombie because it didn’t have a heart like the ones they put in at build a bear, that’s it. It still looked like a normal teddy bear. The bear didn’t act differently, it was like some kind of insider knowledge. And now that I’m waking up it reminds me of the pink toy bears from MapleStory.

Also vaguely remember something about an ex dating some chick after the long term thing he had after me with the frigid chick, but the relationship after that already ended too. I saw a clip of them online and she looked like our friend Sarah but it wasn’t her and I got the impression she was super cool and thought… she’s too good for him. She could do better.. they broke up anyway. *shrugs*

Wtf did I just wake up from? Pink bears?

My arms feel incredibly weak and heavy, and I’m still drowsy even though it’s late in the morning. Lana Del Rey’s Dark Paradise is stuck in my head… really? *yawn*

The string of dreams last night was weird, I had to leave my Hyundai on the shoulder of the SR-51 for some reason and there was construction and bad traffic.  I was driving my second car and it was either a Kia or a Mitsubishi and I can’t remember (but it’s funny cause I’ve owned both) and was trying to figure out how to retrieve my first car but couldn’t drive both.  Tasha called and said she saw one of my cars on the freeway and offered to help me retrieve it sometime when I was ready. I drove over to this house and parked by this fenced off area, it looked a lot like the west side, and walked in and past Dyllan’s gf from Idaho and she said hi and was pretending to be nice when she was being nosy. I knocked on Tasha’s door and she wasn’t in so I left, and walked out of this large building.  This was like City Center. The buildings were large and led lit, I was trying to figure out which route to take to get to the part of the 51 the car was on so I could at least check on it, and from that part of town it was tricky, the guy who walked out with me and that first chick said they normally wouldn’t touch it from here and that’s a Tasha question or a Tasha skill, and I was all okay and decided to drop it until I saw her.

I was in some small office talking to a girl through IM who was worried about her sick friend and his medical equipment.  Her mother was in the room with me along with a few other people. I don’t remember who I was with but I think I was tagging along with them.  The girl I was talking to was worried because the device wasn’t functioning at 100% capacity, and I gave an analogy on a consumerable like a lithium battery, how it’ll keep working even if it’s capacity degrades over time, and it’ll eventually need to be replaced. She got really sad because it was expensive, and I told her it’s not there yet, he’ll still be okay for now, and this was normal but that eventually he’d need a replacement, and she felt a little better after showing her how to check on its levels.

I was in what looked like a Safeway or a Vons, and this guy was making some comparison about going to a Starbucks every day versus making your own shitty Starbucks coffee yourself and the cost savings, and I like going to Starbucks sometimes so fuck that guy, but I get the point he was making on home brew, anyway.. there was a table set up against a wall like the last aisle was missing and there were two large bowls, one filled with what looked like 5 spice pork belly, the other with what I’m guessing was bbq chicken?  They asked me to grab the pepper while I was up and kept looking for a container with black pepper, brought it over and started shaking it over the food, and it came out red.. like paprika or cayenne red so I stopped and sat back down.

I was walking on the sidewalk in the day time with this lady who looked kind of like Dee and kind of like my 5th grade school teacher, she had to go across the street to grab something she’d forgotten and said she’d meet up with me in the garage on the 6th floor, and I said yeah as a confirmation while getting on the elevator, and across the street she yelled yes mom! As a half joke so I yelled it back to her and she giggled. The elevator was weird, and like this coral goldish pinkish color. There was an older dude who was up in my space and I turned around which cause him to bump into me and he apologized.  There was a lady standing to my right in a lab coat and this guy was explaining this crazy medical issue to her that this other girl had, I didn’t know what their relation was. But when the doctor heard the name she was all ahhh that case was hard to break, she’d already heard about it and flipped her notes back a few pages. We exited the elevator and I was in some medical center instead of a garage (but I’d forgotten about it).

I was sitting on a cushion outside looking at this huge screen that wrapped around the area I was in. It was digital, it was displaying a green scenery to blend in, idk if we were in the shade or something.  But they were talking about dolphins, and then said they had penguins and I was all omg I wanna go in the zoo and see the penguins, and this chick mentioned something about koalas and I was all.. we don’t like those anymore, and a koala plushy fell from the sky out of nowhere onto the cushion I was sitting on and I was all.. the koala toy is kinda cute.

And you sat next to me and you were wearing a red tshirt, and your hair was almost as long as mine is right now, and we were talking about the park and then you mentioned something about an aunt in Texas who was about to have a baby. Like you had four people you knew in Texas who were cool, and you and this aunt were so close in age she was more like a cousin.  I laid down next to you and looked up at the ceiling, we were in a dim lit room on a bed that was low to the ground, like it was still daytime but the curtains were so thick it wasn’t too bright. We held each other and became intimate, you were unzipping my dress from the back and we pulled your shirt off.  I looked to my right and noticed the closet had mirrored doors, and in the reflection I saw myself but not you, and I turned my head and buried my face into your right shoulder, holding on tight, if I looked ahead I could still see you, and feel you, and just hold on. I refused to look anywhere else around the room because I was scared you’d disappear.  The environment was weird, there were features from like my last three apartments that kept changing.

I was thinking about a dream that’s stayed with me for years, and am surprised it wasn’t archived in 2004 or 2009.  I think I kept it within me, but kept it buried from 2009 on, until idk when. When I was 13, so this was sometime in 2001, I had a dream I woke up from a nap on this bed, like the bed was made and I slept on top of the blankets.  I looked over to my left and saw the ocean out the window and it was during sunset, so I know this was the west coast, and am guessing somewhere in California.  It was calm, with cool colors, and thin white curtains that were open were hanging over the window.  I got up and looked at the mirror hanging from the bedroom door, I was an adult.  My hair was shoulder length and I had blunt bangs (I’d never had my hair like this before), I was wearing a red sleeveless blouse and loose black pants, and I was very pregnant. A man, who I could only imagine was my husband, walked into the bedroom. I hate how dreams don’t let you see faces, I never remembered seeing facial features, but I remembered he was tall, and had very dark hair.  He  kissed me, then knelt down and kissed my tummy twice, and that’s how I knew we were having twins. I’d forget about this dream for a few years then remember it at random. It was just nice. I remember wondering what I’d look like as an adult woman someday too. Half knowing I’d be really pretty, half hoping. Wondering if I’d recognize the other person in the dream in a few years even though there were no details, and it could be anyone. They’re just dreams.

My wifey’s hair was super red again a she dressed up as Ariel from the little mermaid, in the blue and black dress with her hair in a bow for Halloween. And it was perfect! She looked like a character at Disneyland omg, and she flashed her huge smile, and she was wearing these pearl earrings, and had the long flowey skirt with a petticoat under, and she had some fake blood going down from the corner of her mouth to the bottom of her chin and she was holding a severed zombie hand while hugging someone who was dressed up as a zombie for Halloween. This was in the daytime out on her front porch and omg. ^-^

And there were donuts, so many donuts! I went to this bakery and asked for two, not realizing I ordered two dozen.  So when I got back I opened the box and kept pulling more donuts ou on to this wire basket to try and figure out which one I wanted to eat.  They were all fancy and decorated differently and a lot of them had this vanilla cream kinda like frosting inside.  I found one I ripped open and it was flakey inside like a croissant with some chocolate in it so I decided to eat that one.

We were chatting on video while I was sitting after hours in my office.  I was wearing a white dress and my hair was longer.  After a couple minutes I decided to mute the computer so I couldn’t hear you panic when I grabbed the knife and you could see it, I didn’t want you to distract me while I stabbed myself.  It hurt so bad that I didn’t have the strength to keep pulling the knife to the side and accidentally jerked it up diagonally across my stomach.. it was strangely calm while I bled out. And then I woke up.

You married Anna.  She was trying to pull off a scam and it involved Tacey, that chick from nationals who sucks.  Anyway,  Anna needed your help to pull it off and said you needed to be married for it to work, and you decided to help her.  I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t do anything.  My stomach hurts so bad.

I don’t even know what to make of the dream I just had. A lot was going on and I was outside for a bit and saw a bunch of friends at a park on some benches, then walked up the street with a couple friends and looked at shops, found these cherry heels and grabbed then to try them on and this one dude who called hinself a geek was there talking to me while I shopped and I was all whatever but was still trying to be courteous.

Then I was at what I guess was home and I kept waking up feeling excessively groggy and a little beat up like I did too much the previous night but couldn’t remember. There was one evening where we were celebrating whoever I was with’s birthday in th dream and we were popping bottles of champagne and some friends were a littl bitchy there wasn’t straight liquor. Then there was another party, and I woke up feeling like hell and couldn’t em ember much so I wondered what happened and then remember r I drank very little, then realized I was being drugged because that’s the only time I ever blacked out. I. Started piecing things together including what I thought was a dream where I was thrown on top of a table and the guy I was seeing that the dream assigned forced himself on me.  I was appalled and wanted to call him out but wasn’t sure where to go o how to safely approach the situation, and then my alarm went off.

Omg it’s early, it’s 6:19 and I’ve hit snooze like two or three times, idk why some weeks this is harder than others.  Anyway, I had a dream I was pregnant and things were chill. I was at the stage right before I’d typically start to feel the baby move but was experiencing pain and then worried this might have been an ectopic pregnancy and needed to check that out before the baby started moving so I didn’t die in case it was. Great way to bundle a lot of fear with joy  brain.

There was some dream before this one I barely remember having now, but I was chasing someone down like it was Repo Men and I got implanted with som organ against my will. I don’t remember the actual procedure or circumstance where that’d be necessary but it was an annoying chase dream. >_>

I didn’t sleep well last night at all, I haven’t really the last two nights.  I knew my mattress was kind of meh but didn’t realize how badly I needed to replace it until I woke up this morning and it’s felt like my pressure points are all bruised.. aaaaaaand now it’s at the top of my list.

Anyway, the bits I remember from waking up a bunch included having a 7-ish year old daughter with long black hair and bangs coming up to me with a black sweater or some other knitted thing in her hands because she was missing a button on her sleeve.  I was in a wheelchair and in hospital scrubs or pajamas, so not sure if this was a broken bone thing or a post surgical thing.  I told her that mommy isn’t really great at sewing things back, but that her grandma is really really good at it and if she caught her at the right time and asked, grandma could do it.  So dream me already pawned off sewing work to my dream mom.  *face palm*  I didn’t realize this until I woke up, that this little girl looked too Asian to be my daughter.  Like I know I don’t look as much like a mix to some people, or maybe because I’m used to my face I don’t think I look as Asian as some other peeps, idk… I can see I’m a mix, and I know my future kid could go anywhere from 25% – 75% Asian potentially, but this kid looked like 100%… I’m doing percentages here lol.  Well, my baby pics and little kid pics look super Asian so maybe my daughter will look super Asian too until she gets older and then she’ll look more like a hybrid.  Now I’m rambling on hypotheticals.

There was some other dream where a bunch of people were going to be in like the largest group photo ever and it was some Korean church or something.  I wanted to get mom up front with me and generally you get the shorter people up front but people were being assholes about moving seats and I was all seriously?  And you’re all church people?  It was very aggravating.

Then there was another dream about being on the wrong side of a fence and trying to get up to this concrete in between space after throwing a blanket over barbed wire failed.  I had to move these stacks of books and other things out of the way in this crawl space but there was this idea that once I jumped over I’d be leaving one time for another, and I can’t remember if I was jumping backwards or forward in time.

I had this dream last night that I followed you to SF.. on accident.  I was legit sitting up front wondering what I was doing on the plane and was worried, then looked behind and saw you a few rows back and sank into my seat.  I wanted to make sure things were alright and then sneak back off but the plane started moving and I was all omg I can’t make them stop the plane and cause a bigger delay,  I’ll have to suck it up and when I land in SFO buy the next ticket back to LAS.  So it definitely wasn’t romantic chase after you like in the movies, it wasn’t planned and in the dream I was like oh shit, this could almost come off as stalker creepy, shit the plane is moving, shit I didn’t get off on time.  And people were starting to get up and it was huge inside, people were grabbing food and stuff and putting them in these cute boutique boxes and I kept my head down just in case hoping I’d look like some other random small chick then thought well shit, I should have taken my lip jewelry out and dyed my hair black.. actually I never should have been on here, and I was in a red pajama tank and pants set so I knew my back tattoo was a giveaway. Shit.

I slumped on the floor but it was all nice and carpeted and the seats folded and I had blankets.  You came around and started calling me out saying you know it’s me so look up, and I looked away towards the seat/wall thingie and you were all fine and sat next to me and grabbed the x box controller next to my foot and waited, then said something like you know there are three of us, how is this supposed to work? And then I caved and responded all, well it’s okay cause when I get there I’ll hop right on another plane back to LAS and don’t worry about it and got silent and thought to myself omg I sound crazy, I shouldn’t be here and didn’t get off in time, I’m probably being compared to those stalker chicks and I know I was worried but wtf could I of done if something had happened like if there was a plane crash or other emergency, I would be in it too and I wouldn’t be able to stop anything, I wouldn’t be able to protect him from anything. Awkward af dream.

I don’t remember a lot of this dream other than Jeremy taking off since everyone was gone and it was late.  I asked him if he thought TEO would care if I took off early sine it was dead and he was all.. I don’t see why not?  So I tried to ping him and didn’t get a response after a few minutes and packaged up.  Then Jeremy was checking his phone and got a message and was all dude, TEO wants to keep you here, and I was all fuck and had to unpack quickly and dock down before anyone noticed I signed off for the night.

Beeka: ” Last night my dream involved me in a fencing match.  I blame Magi cause my stance was exactly like Alibaba. meh.”

Anne had a dream she picked up a dog bowl to feed her puppy and there were scorpions under it with two tails/ stingers and the only way to deter them was with vanilla extract.

._.

Today sucked.

I didn’t have much time when I woke up to note all this so here goes:

You were running a Japanese restaurant one day, like you were filling in for one of your relatives and your family owned it.  I guess you used to help out here on a regular basis years ago too.  I was sitting at a table on the floor, like on a bamboo mat thing, eating something and drinking wine. You had a couple girls on staff helping you out but I decided to go into the back and see if you still needed help since you were running around.  Even if it was minor things like dishes or running food or whatever, so it was like one less thing to deal with.  You came up around and I asked if I could assist with anything and you said yes but were non specific.

Later we were outside in the parking lot and my mom was there and other people were taking off.  She was asking you questions about something and you answered.  She said you were working too hard, and then she asked me if I was leaving with her or if I was sticking around and I said I was staying behind to assist.  I seasoned foods and you were cooking, three of the girls were up front since a large party had arrived but they only spoke Japanese and I had no idea what they were saying, but they kept addressing me since you were busy and I looked the most Asian out of everyone else who was available.  The other girls tried to help and I think at least two of them understood some Japanese.

“Had a nightmare for what felt like all night long about being extremely late for work. F***. That. S***. I hate stressful dreams! I’m not a morning person and there is horrible traffic on my commute, so I’m stressed about it almost every morning as I rush to to make it to work on time.”

There was a cute little orange and white tabby cat in my dream.  I had fallen asleep and woken up to it chillin by my open door, then it hopped in my bed and head booped me.  It had a black collar around it with a little box so I was guessing that was gps in case it got lost?  Idk.  It was weird.

The house I was in had an unusual layout too.  It was old, like I want to use the term antique but I know historical landmark would be more appropriate here.  My room was in the south west corner of the house and it was bright from the large windows.  The next room to the right had a few doors and the steps outside with the red metal screen door didn’t really make any sense.  There wasn’t a lot of furniture in there, and the next room over was the parlor.  Just north of my room on the SW side was another room I’d converted into another bedroom but it was originally supposed to be a pantry.  It was almost as large as the other room and they were almost connected by the large sliding door anyway, but the one that was converted had my Korean blanket and looked a lot more like my room in my last apartment.  I was sitting on that bed when I looked at the other room and noticed the bed in there had a brass frame like my mom’s.  So I wasn’t sure which one to use as the primary room given their location and in the house and what was in them.  To the right of this room was this large kitchen and open area, and kitty somehow ended upon the other side of the little black fence that was installed to keep him out, and he got to some food and was super happy about it.  I was trying to figure out how to give him access to more than one room while keeping him away from that area and had to go around and figure out which doors to leave open and which ones to keep locked.  I interacted with very few people in this dream and it was so minor I don’t feel like trying to remember it.

Just woke up with Three Days Grace’s Tell Me Why stuck in my head. Actually it keeps slipping between that song and Over And Over.

So in this dream I was “driving” Kat V home except we were both in the backseat of the car and Google was driving. It was like Google Maps for upgraded or something. Lol and it was daylight out and we were chatting when I was making a comment about how close we lived to each other, she said something about it not being that close and I think we were comparing different things so I mentioned how we were already at Arroyo. >_>

Anyway, the gps was acting weird and I thought I was gonna have to hop up front and take over manually, we came to a stop and I verbally reconfigured it to head for Kat’s house then told the garage door to open, the side of the building I was in front of opened like a garage door to another road. Weird! We kept driving and I noticed this asshole on the other side of the road driving the wrong way trying to catch up to us and make a right turn into the left hand turn lane going the wrong way again.. Then he was behind us and it was a taxi and the car was acting weird again so I told it to pull over and then I took over. It was dark out and we were driving what felt like south but I thought maybe I shoulda used gps and then it was pitch black.

I woke up in bed next to her wearing black boots and my gray fuzzy robe was over my head. Then I was in another room that was supposed to be my room / a storage room and there was furniture covering almost every inch of wall, in some areas all the way to the ceiling and it was a tall ceiling. The wall where the door was had the China cabinet, and the other wall to the side had the large wall unit my dad brought back from Turkey. There was a dresser near the door on the opposite wall from the wall unit and then other stuff.. a Korean trunk for linens and things. I wanted to relocate the mirror on the back wall up by the door so I didn’t have to go back and forth while getting ready. The bed near the window was on a platform and was pretty high up, and in the center was our old coffee table that also came from Turkey. I peeked inside of it and saw a tiny square CRT monitor, maybe 7×7 at a screen that I thought said Microsoft on it, and there was other equipment inside and a bunch of adapters and power cables inside. My first worry was ventilation and fire, the second was wondering how many years it had been running unnoticed, and the last was wtf was it broadcasting or what was its purpose. There was a little photo inside of a guy and it might have been some HID badge or something, and a little green sticker with some corporations name was laying inside the cabinet in the coffee table too. I shut the little door and went to look for my phone to snap photos and figure it out later and when I got back to the cabinet door with my phone, saw a little imposter phone chillin there in the same case and the phone was the same color but it was a different model and it was a tiny little thing and I thought wtf. So I opene the door again and saw a little projection on the left side of the wall inside, and it was coming from the littl screen to the right. The bottom still had the cables and stuff but now it was behind what looked like a little model of a shopping area with mall kiosks and advertisements. I took a photo of the screen label with what I thought had the corporations info on it I was looking for and of the badge from earlier, closed the door, and went downstairs to ask “mom” about it but she was some taller blonde lady behind the kitchen prepping a dinner thing for the other people that were sitting around the kitchen bar and the table. I pulled out my phone and said I wanted to ask her about “this” then showed her the picture and she was all ohh so you found it and smiled then went about her business like we might talk about it later.

Then I woke up and was trying to remember where we put the wall unit downstairs, then remembered it was so big we left it in AL. Never mind!

There were these two bunnies in a glass aquarium /crib like structure. One was a caramel color and the other had patches of different colors, black, brown, tan. They were a bonded pair and they were hanging out inside this glass case I couldn’t open. I called a locksmith to open it so we could rescue them and he asked me a couple questions I can’t remember. He then asked to see my degree and I said it was still in the mail from ASU. He said ahh and nodded like that would be typical of them and proceeded to open the glass case then left. And then I remembered I just completed a bachelor of science in psychology in the dream ahaha. That’s funny. Anyway, I picked the caramel bunny up first and held it close to my chest, then picked up the other one so it knew it was okay, since it was super nervous and shaky looking. I held them both next to each other like it was a little group hug and walked away from the glass case trying to figure out where their forever homes would be, if I should hit up a rescue, if they’d be placed together since they were a pair. And as I held them I just wanted to adopt them so bad even though I had restrictions and was trying to figure out how to introduce them while still having a back up for them just in case.

I was looking out my window in the house I grew up in but the other side of the carport looked different. There were buildings with balconies facing my window. They were painted colorfully with deep rich reds and some real accents. I thought that real looked much newer than the teal that had faded from my front door, and then realized it must have been where the doors were located and which one was getting sun bleached.. which made sense in the dream but both were facing north so no. Lol o walked around the corner and saw the fences neighbors had were removed and guessed they’d put them up without hoa approval, and now the hoa is enforcing stuff. The buildings were painted this sandy almost salmon color but lighter, it was weird.

Dad was driving and the windows were down. We were going down a windy grassy area and there were huge events on either side of the street. It was the super bowl and the stadium was on one side and this huge tailgate party was on the other. This neon yellow colored football came through and almost flew into the car. Dad tried to catch it but the guy sitting behind him messed with him, fucking it up, and he dropped it out of the car. It apparently came from the big game and dad was pissed. He hung his arms outside the open window against the car and I was all uhhh we’re gonna swerve into something and grabbed the steering wheel until he started driving again.

There was a huge group in this large singing hall with all these tables. I was sitting with my work friends and my parents were one table over, so I could bounce between parties. But they decided to move further down and were telling me to come with and I started to argue. I guess this was supposed to be the resort up on Mt Charelston? Idk.

All I remember is Mel making memes out of the photos of Nef and Jubee she posted on fb captioning them with the comments I’d left and with statements they had a fan. I was Nef’s fan on fb. Lol

I have no idea if I spelled Jubee’s name right. ._.

This morning I had a dream where a lot happened but a lot has happened today too that’s been emotionally and mentally draining so the bit of dream I can start at is where I’m sitting in the kitchen in the house I grew up in with a couple friends. I think Yvonne and Jorna, we were eating chicken talking about Costco and other stuff when I go outside in the yard. The gate door to the carport is facing west instead of south, and I had issues opening it due to some plastic or tape around it so I went through a hole in the side to see what was going on. After turning the corner I saw the clubhouse in the middle of the complex was on fire, some neighbors watched, some walked away. There was a fire crew but things seemed strangely calm. I didn’t see flames outside, just inside, and some smoke was coming from the top, but then I heard people screaming inside and that’s what freaked me out, and I ran away.

I went to my neighbors house and it was Karen’s (instead of Kim’s). I went to look for her and discovered Andrew was living there. He saw me through the crack of the door and ran inside. When I got in I asked someone standing at the counter if they knew where Karen was but they weren’t sure.  I wanted to find him and confront him about how he screwed me over because I wanted to know why he did it.  I also wanted to tell Karen what happened since she was in a similar position where he could fuck her over being her roommate.  I walked down the hall and decided to start opening doors but couldn’t find him.

That fire really bothered me more than anything when I woke up.  I mean it renewed some anger I have towards my former roommate, but the screaming and realizing people were burning to death was a terrible image/realization.

We were standing in this boba shop with some people and were about to order when the lady behind the counter was explaining the menu and you picked one based on a certain title, I can’t remember it other than it having three words in the name and one being love. The register had decorations around it like little bamboo plants and Hello Kitty stuff. So once we drank whatever we picked we were going to be living different “lives” almost like a parallel universe, or like we were actually starting over, and with the hopes of finding each other. But there’d be no memory, and no faith to pull us together like the cute ending in What Dreams May Come. It was closer to Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind. It could actually take us over a thousand tries and we could never find “us,” growing further with each successive failure. I was scared af with the knowledge but we were there and there was no turning back. Idk how we got there, or why we were obligated to do this, or why we couldn’t turn around and just walk out.

I opened my eyes and we were in a dim apartment. We were being affectionate when I was worried in the back of my mind that someone was going to walk in, like maybe a parent? Which is stupid because we were both adults but still. I don’t remember what words were exchanged here but you took me into the front room and it was trashed. I don’t know who destroyed the place, who owned it, or how we got there, or why you walked out the front door and left. I ended up laying down on the chaise lounge with a couple pillows after shoving someone to make room for me. Idk who they were either.

I walked around outside and looked at these buildings that were deconstructed, they looked like they were made entirely of that pink fluffy insulation, and it was dark out and unnerving. Again, I had no idea how I got there and someone eventually found me. I explained my confusion and then we were in his vehicle flying around trying to figure out where I belonged. We ran out of reality for a while and it was pitch black, no sky, no ground, until we came across something but all of the masses were light blue and spongy.

I walked into a building and looked at the large doors that went into a main area. This was some office setting and the colors were muted making the environment seem very cold and disconnected. People were walking around to different places and I had no idea where to go, so I just followed the path into a large meeting area, acquiring a cookie omw in. There was a small stage off to the right and chairs to the left, and in the other far corner a black swivel plush black chair with what looked like a Vera Wang-esq deep purple and gold embellished Victorian style sofa. Everyone was wearing black. Black slacks and button down long sleeved shirts, black dresses, etc. the people on the stage were sales managers, one being a really annoying one who used to be here and transferred. The crowed was a mix of people from different affiliations but they were mostly sales too, and in the black seat in the other corner was Michelle. So I thought for once I’d seen a face that felt familiar and thought about going around the back of the chairs to get to that purple sofa and would safely sit there for a while, then after all this I could introduce myself. The thing was packing up and people were waking away, I heard the name “Calixto” in passing and I knew I knew that name but couldn’t figure out who owned it in the crowd that was walking past me.

I walked out into the hall and saw these women in white dresses like it was a wedding expo or some kind of mass wedding on one of those fancy dates like 7-7-07 or 12-12-12, 12-13-14, that nonsense. There was a line for make up artists, there was a lady somewhere else explaining you had to have your wedding certificate on you and ready to present, otherwise you’d have to step aside and this other lady would help you with the paperwork on site. I went outside and it was normal, it was too normal. The sky was blue and the trees were green, there was a little breeze and it seemed like it was either right before or right after noon. I looked at the brown building from the parking lot and wondered why I was out here. Did I just forget something in my car and grabbed it so I’m good? I walked back inside and was wearing a wedding gown with a high collar and long sleeves made of like off white lace and with these silver flecks in them. It was very Alexander McQueen but not exactly like the gown Kate Middleton wore. I wasn’t sure where I was going or who I was there with, but I hoped it was you. I didn’t know you, your name, what you looked like, or what our connection was many lives ago, but I didn’t know if you or someone else was waiting for me to come through the door. I got to the area where the lady asked to see my marriage license and I was confused so she asked me to step aside telling me not to worry and that she could help me with this on the spot. I didn’t know if I’d regret moving forward or turning around and walking out to try again. I didn’t know what or who was waiting for me in the next room.

My beloved had a dream about me and Charlotte Gainsbourg in the shower speaking in French and Korean.  Damn, he does dream better than me on most nights.

5:11am, I see my brains back on schedule. I just woke up from a dream where I was in the office telling Katherine in person I got all the info “finally” on the iPhone so it could be updated, and also that we finally got everything on HockeyApp and it took a lot of digging, and she was like okay great. She had sat down next to me to overlook what was on my screen and you were already there but had walked around the divider thing and sat next to her. I overheard her asking what you were thinking for lunch and you quietly said sushi in this almost devious almost giddy inflection and it shook me. Your demeanor with everyone is always consistent, the same speech patterns, tone, cadence, body language, gestures… but here, here it was past being an old friend and into doting lover or boyfriend. So I shot up from my seat, lied that I was late for a meeting and rushed out of the building before the confusion on the inside was obvious to anyone on the outside. I remember walking past the Sketchers store in Town Square rationalizing with myself thinking duh, he said he thought she was the love of his life, keyword thought. It was a cover up because “thought” is inaccurate, he believes she is still the love of his life.. how could I be in shock at what I just witnessed? How can I be surprised? Was every experience I had with him a made up thing? Did the thing I just witness in a few seconds invalidate everything I’ve known and had been told by this person regarding our dynamic and love for each other? And just because it was made up on his side, it didn’t mean it wasn’t… isn’t still real.. on my end.

And here I am awake and it’s 5:23am, and my brain decided to conveniently forget the Cylon’s existence in favor of dropping me to my knees and taking away my ability to inhale and comfortably fill my lungs. Way to go brain.. asshole.