Category Archives: Dreams

Had a slew of random dreams (yay stress dreams) going on with a bunch of weird random places but two things stood out: In one I was petting a really big hedgehog, it would have taken two hands instead of one to hold. It was very happy about the pets. There was also a smol grey tabby latching onto my left hand while I petted the hedgehog with the other.

I was at some evening thing during conference in what looked like event space not to different from Green Valley Ranch in Henderson. The one night stand that wouldn’t go away happened to walk past with a group that was going in the same direction as everyone else down the main hall, he called my name and when I turned around was really thrown off. I vaguely knew there was a small chance of running into him because his brother’s name had been mentioned at the conference and it pertained to his industry. ONSTWGA asked how I was, mentioned something about the brother, it was loud so I couldn’t really hear everything, and then said sorry for “back then,” said I looked like I’d been doing well, and walked off.

There were a bunch of other chaotic things too like walking out to my garage and a bunch of cars and crowds of people being in the driveway (this looked closer to the driveway in Phoenix) and these two assholes parked so far up my driveway next to my car and dad’s truck that I couldn’t close the garage door or pull out of the space. I was yelling they needed to move and that I had work today. They didn’t care, I grabbed my phone out and started recording to go confront them and when I turned the corner PD already had someone else in cuffs and a bunch of stuff was going on so I backed away. They eventually moved and we were around the corner in a library and an officer asked me if I had paper, my notebooks were full and I was going through my laptop bag and was sol, and suggested she look for computer paper. Another one came over then went to the computer, and then this mumbly one was going to transcribe and I asked how fast he could type, he wouldn’t speak clearly and then verbalized around 120wpm and I was all oh wow, I don’t meet many people who can keep up with my typing. He seemed offended.

It’s been a while, Jöshua was in my dream this morning and I can’t remember the start of it but I needed to retrieve some things. He… you looked different. I’ve been so used to addressing you directly in here for years despite going back and forth or trying to deviate periodically. I have a feeling this might be the last time.

In the dream I was wandering around some huge mid century property and was a little concerned about its structural integrity with some of the last owners add on projects, it seemed like I was looking for something but wasn’t exactly sure what, and I found a back room with some familiar things, there was some legitimate office space, some residential, and in one very large room downstairs were two queen beds Placed next to each other like a T. The headboard from one was against the wall and the other one was horizontal at the foot of the first bed. There was also a trunk on the ground with random possessions in them, write trash bags with dresses thrown in, books, a couple electronic devices, a small laptop that was on and open. I’d found some of my things in another room and it seemed like I’d been going back and forth but it had been a long time since I was there.

Down the main hall and out to where the loft and stairs were I heard different music playing, one was a Matchbox Twenty song, I cant remember what played after but I remember commenting Eve 6 in the dream. You were downstairs patiently waiting… for me to leave? To yell? Idk, but I could feel and see the animosity when I went downstairs and found you. I was trying to figure out how to move everything out of this space because I knew I wouldn’t be welcome back, and realized one of the beds in the large room belonged to a Josh that I currently work with, so I reached out to him to come pick it up, and ask if he was able to help me move the things in my trunk, and the trunk itself, back to my place. He showed up with his fiancé in a truck to grab the bed, but there was no room to move everything. I asked what if I could get Matt to come over with his truck so they could leave everything in the trunk and just transport it as is.

I was standing on the little metal step on the driver side of the truck while talking and Josh slowly started to back up out of the driveway. I lost my balance and fell onto the asphalt. I hadn’t realized it was already dark out until then (also neither of them have trucks irl), you saw me on the ground and walked over. I was trying to get up on my own and my body was fighting me, so when you extended your hand I took it and stood up. We started walking and I don’t remember what we were talking about. I did remember wondering if you ever peeked at this page anymore, or if you saw the thing I wrote about Adrian and you. That I still have love for you even if it’s different now and is only capable of existing at a distance, or if you’d even gaf. You looked different, you were wearing glasses but your hair was more like a fwb’s I knew in Arizona before I met you. Which is funny because his hair was short in 2012 but in the last year he’s been wearing it longer, and I never realized how jet black or wavy it was. I think you and I have a dark brown / natural black N2 / almost N1 color, and he’s straight N1 dark black like mi madre. Idk why my brains tangenting on hair shades.

I left that place and Idk if I gave up or abandoned the possessions that were there like I had to do in Vegas earlier this year, or if I needed to figure out a plan and come back to deal with it later. I was running around a town I didn’t recognize but it seemed like an alternate universe Phoenix. There was a college football game between ASU and UofA at what looked like the stadium in Tempe. It looked like ASU won when a bunch of fireworks went off and all the gold and maroon streamers and confetti came down. This happened at night, then I was traveling around the city in the day again, and the buildings were foreign to me. I got lost somewhere in what I thought was the avenues but couldn’t get my bearings (and that always makes me feel uneasy). I woke up very abruptly this morning to a knock at my door so I lost everything else.

Just woke up from a dream I was looking at houses (they were all insanely expensive) and was walking back to my car as the sun was going down and some dude was standing on his front porch staring me down, this felt more like a racist vibe than an assault thing but violence against women usually include rape regardless of motive. I wasn’t sure if he was going to try anything but I was leaving anyway. It was bright like it was afternoon again, and I was driving when a Dodge Charger police vehicle cut me off right before getting to an intersection, that guy went straight, I went right (since I bought my car, it’s been my actual car in my dreams) and started fighting with some remote / computer mouse thing in the back seat while my car autopiloted, it apparently had something to do with the car and I was punching in my Korean initials instead of my English ones (that’s unusual in this context too).

I’m in some storage area with a bunch of random stuff and see a painted bust statue of Anne with blue hair and decided to steal it back from her ex, and as I kept walking I found my area with a bunch of things I didn’t remember having, and pulled a cut up (stock paper? Thick fabric?) wig off a mannequin and switched it out for a real one, then tried a on a short pastel pink one, and then Denis O’Hare from AHS Hotel showed up as Liz Taylor and we were running through inventory when some other lady showed up and was demanding Liz go to some party with her. I leaned over and asked Liz if I could buy her a drink before she followed the other person and she said of course, then I found another wig in a gold plastic case and asked Liz if she wanted it, she said it was perfect for some costume she was doing.

We went somewhere else and found a bunch of dresses, capes, and a fuckton of fabric, and sat on this couch from the 70’s waiting for one of the dressing rooms to open when some guy comes to sit down on the couch (thanks to dream magic it’s suddenly an L shaped couch) and I’m trying to quickly grab the things we picked up and fold them / place them on the table to get them out of the way for him. He stretches out while I’m doing this and places his feet under a blanket and up against my leg. I’m pissed off, and dude is just smiling. I tell him to move his feet and he presses them into my leg, I start yelling and the people around me stare but don’t say anything or intervene. I grab his foot and flex it back trying to get him to leave and he starts laughing, then making vulgar comments about women in general (pretty much incel rhetoric) and now we’re standing in a kitchen, it looks like my kitchen in the dark irl, and I’m seeing newspaper clippings posted on the walls but it’s his shit posting, screenshots from 4-Chan, and some other forums, there was a comment about how good it made him feel when he made a group of Muslim women uncomfortable in public and he loved how they feared him. Women were not equals, they were property to be used, pushed around, and for his entertainment. So I lost it and went after him, he made the “come at me” gesture and we both pushed each other, I couldn’t reach my knives, I was too close to kick him back, I grabbed his balls and sank my nails in, tried to pull like I was going to rip them off, he just stood there laughing hysterically, I couldn’t reach his head or neck and kept punching his chest and abdomen, it was like punching through water despite putting as much power into them as I could. I woke up around here.

Had a lot of crazy dreams back to back but the one that stood out was being in Vegas and I was about to get married. I’m not even sure which venue it was but it was a gigantic production and I was in the hugest dress about to get called up (there seemed to be a lot of weddings going). I got stood up so I married myself.

I didn’t know anyone there and wasn’t even sure who the groom was, and when it was just me I was literally thinking to myself, why let the dress and cake go to waste?

Some other part was digging through cute shoes at a Payless of all places and walking down a hall where there was a glass door where they kept other shoes and Baby Phat of all brands (hello 90’s) but it was unlocked with a sign that said go in because the workers were like fuck it. That room also had some cheap Charlotte Ruse looking floggers and other accessories in different colors and I was all.. when did this get so mainstream?! Man this stuff looks cheap.

There was another dream where I was trying to fit a bunch of stuff into a small place not too far from the wedding, this was some side door inside a casino I think, or one of those attached convention centers. I was practically naked and partially thinking this was awkward / partially like I need to get this shit done. I owned more tv’s than I ever had. I was fighting with a square rack with clothing on it and trying to get it into a corner, I argued with a nest thermostat on the wall in the back room and it talked back. Then some chick was in the closet who I’m assuming had been hiding there for a while like she’d been abandoned and she looked like Michelle Trachtenberg. Later I was sitting at a family dinner with this nice black family and her daughter was vouching for her. I was already an expected guest of the daughter’s but the surprise chick was being presented as another guest for a sleepover. Idk

Random dream I was dating Tony Stark (or possibly Robert Downey Jr. because Tony Stark is basically Robert Downey Jr. anyway), but anyway we were laying on our stomachs in bed watching something on a tablet and then I was working on something with a creme brûlée torch (yes, still in bed) and accidentally caught the hair on his arm on fire. He was to my left so this was his right arm.

I always wanted a creme brûlée torch for years (and they’re not that expensive, Idk why I haven’t just picked one up).

I just learned my phone will spell brûlée as brûlée.

Is my brain trying to assemble the avengers and I’ll be dating them all in various dreams now?

Idfk brain.

Paul Rudd was in my dream being the worst bf ever.

Other parts of the dream before him include stress apartment shopping. *shrug*

This is the second night in a row my ex has tried to reconcile with me (as in make things amicable/bury the hatchet) and make peace in a dream amidst all the chaos going on. He and I have not spoken since 2012. Wtf is going on brain.

Things were so real it was basically 2012 or 2013 all over again and like the last 6 years of my life never happened. But something felt wrong and off, like I knew things weren’t supposed to be the were in the dream or like I was forgetting something important. I can’t even remember all the details since I’m writing this late. He will never take accountability for the things he did to me or others, Idk why my brain is pretending he ever would, and I could never be friends with a predator.

Had a dream around 5 this morning my dad died and he was saying his time was up. As in his soul/spirit/whatever visited me this morning and all he had time for was to make his exit known but I had a sense that he was remorseful over a lot of stuff. It woke me up.

So that was weird.

Mom seemed kind of giddy telling me about a dream the other night where she was young and some guy was holding her, and he gave her love letters. She said she’d never had a dream like that before, and added that she’d always been faithful.

Well, I approve.

Had a weird dream this morning I had to pull over in some lot and my car wouldn’t park, it kept acting like it would only go in neutral and kept rolling back out of a spot I parked in. It finally stopped and I walked the perimeter of what looked like a warehouse until I found the side with the open roll up door. Inside I found someone I knew (not irl) and this kid wanted to fight me. We were in some carpeted back room area… I guess some residential apartment inside or connected to the warehouse and I thought this was ridiculous, the guy was bouncing around and obviously didn’t know how to fight and I don’t really either but I got into the same stance I do at kickboxing and dude almost backed down for a second until he decided to do a shitty roundhouse kick and I punched him.

He decided to stop after that and we exchanged a few words but I forgot what we said. I went back around to find someone else and noticed one of my nails was barely hanging onto my nail bed. They we’re natural (no acrylic or hard gel) and surprisingly it didn’t hurt but it looked unnerving and I didn’t want to bang it against anything so I looked for nail clippers until I realized it would just come off. A few of my nails did this, but my fingers looked fine under. The other person I knew in the dream found me and we chatted a little before I left.

I was somewhere else that looked like it couple have been some convention or business thing and was standing at a table with a sign on it by an escalator. I noticed one of my teeth was in my hand and it was cracked and had some paper mache looking long pink root attaches to it. (I’ve had a lot of dreams over the years where I’ve lost teeth and it’s been bloody and terrifying). There was no blood here, and I had new teeth in place of the ones I lost. I looked in the palm of my other hand and there was an eye with that same paper mache nerve attached to it, which I thought was mine but I still had both of my eyes attached (and the iris was blue?). It was weird af, I was intending on taking the escalator but can’t remember if I did.

I was in an office and someone was going over some issue to a few of us, dad was there acting like he knows computers better than I do (that’s consistent with his behavior irl) and eventually I left and care back when he was gone and then the issue was handled after he left. I ended up in some theater at work and my lead shared this giant Snickers with me and we made Betty White jokes. Then I left to see friends and found Sage and we were sitting on a couch after everyone else passed out and I handed him a drawing I had in a folder.

Other than losing body parts this wasn’t so bad. And even that part wasn’t as bad as it’s been over the years because I’d regenerated replacements.
Happy Halloween?

Just woke up from an active shooter at work dream. Throats worse, feel worse. Going back to sleep for a little.

Oh man, I just woke up from a bunch of really busy, roller coaster of dreams and nightmares. There were more settings than I can count in some weird places, and the only two calm bits included being on a computer on some Trillian or Pidgin looking chat client and hitting up a friend, or the one bit where I was having a quiet internal melt down and Nathan Fillion cuddled me to calm me down. He was a good big spoon. I swear I didn’t eat anything weird before bed. My dreams the last few nights have been chaotic af.

I was at some crazy con that was this mix of defcon and blizzcon. There was so much going on but all I can think about was someone pulling me aside saying they knew I’d been seeing him and I was like what? They knew I’d been doing the on again off again thing with Josh because my parents had hired them to figure out why I was so miserable and they were there to disseminate what they had found.  This lady and I “bumped into each other” at the grocery store (like WF or something) and kept going to the same places with our carts until she probably noticed some expression on my face and tried to make like of it by saying it reminded her of this other thing she missed shopping together with others and how communal it was, and I was all yeah and mentioned how it reminded me of Handmaids Tale and having to shop in pairs.

Anyway, she made that comment about being aware of things and I was like what?  She started getting specific and convinced me to go to a closed off area at the con where she had a TV set up, a folder with timelines and other info printed out, and recordings.  She started a video and Josh was at an arcade with a blonde chick like they were on a date.  I wondered when the cctv recording was from and found a date of 7/1. There was another recording from a few days later but the lady determined it was best not to show it, I was about to push her for it but stopped myself when she followed up with believing it was in my best interest and I realized all that recording would have shown was them hooking up, and she was right I didn’t need to see anything else.  I realized it occurred the weekend before his birthday.  What got me was her mentioning him saying this chick was easily forgettable, and Idk if that was commentary under his breath to himself or said to someone else in passing but all I could think was wtf is this? He’s lying to Anna, he’s lying to me… maybe.  He’s on video trying to impress some chick he thinks is easily forgettable but has told me in the past that I’m unforgettable.

Here I was at this con and he was there too, and Idk if we’d begun speaking a little again or if he chose to attend assuming I would be there because it’s my kind of thing and he knew there’d be a high probability of running into me.  There had been a lot of tension and confusion, maybe a moment of resentment then intrigue.  We’d interacted before I was pulled aside and all this data was presented.  I was being risky with my behavior, we’d been alone in rooms discussing things, and there was one instance where at the end of one of the con days I was stripping a button down shirt off before retreating into the bathroom.  I was on my period which was annoying, unfortunate timing, and there’s some irony because of the week we met (Oh, I’m also on my period irl right now too and experienced “period flu” for the first time in Friday.  The shivering was so bad I almost went to the ER thinking it was TSS or some other infection.  Definitely didn’t mean to tangent away from the dream here). So in the dream I had this idea to hop in the shower a few minutes before him to clean up and wash my hair, I didn’t have to worry about not getting it wet, and then I could reenact an old dream where I went down on him in a shower, and we could have shower sex and I wouldn’t have to worry about a mess.  

And then this lady found me and told me about his other affair and I was like… I can’t fucking deal with this.  Plans changed.  It’s off.  I was in the shower by myself thinking about all this before turning the water on, and Josh came back to the room and I had noooo idea what I was going to say, if anything.  Everything he’s said to me all these years was bs, I was just another chick with a sex drive who was willing to do something about it, and then I woke up. 

This is a dream I don’t want to forget but a lot of it is gone after getting up and thinking about a million things in the shower. I was inside some small indoor cabana type place, like the cabanas you can rent at large casino pools in Vegas instead this one had a glass wall and glass door and it had its own climate control.  I looked at the mirrored door on the closet then at my reflection in another mirror by the futon I was on (it was super low) and my hair was super long again.  I looked a little different but was still me.  I was waiting for someone or something but decided I should get up and venture out, almost bumping people when I got out the door and headed for the stairs.  

I was walking around outside trying to find the path back into the building across the grassy area. It was hilly, and this suddenly looked like it could have been some building in a tech park. I tried walking on what looked like a little dirt path through the grass and was on the side of the building when I noticed the ground looked really gray and mushy. Was it dried clay or gloppy concrete? I stepped gently and my foot began to sink so I went around.  Inside the space looked like some of the corporate chill out areas with couches everywhere and decor resembling what you’d expect from some new American restaurant trying they’re best to look cozy and contemporary.  I was sitting at a table in the main room with two other women I considered “sisters” in a witchy context.  I’m sure one was Dorcas and the other was Prudence.   looked out the window earlier and noticed waves splashing at the glass, this building was on the water.  And then when I looked again noticed it was almost raining sideways. All I could think was that I should have been leaving soonish for work but forget that.  I don’t remember everything in that conversation but we were talking about someone in another room who may have been another sister, making the four of us stronger. I already felt strong on my own, but I felt invincible if I was with them and we had a common goal.  There was talk about an announcement happening but we didn’t know when.  The three of us decided to get up and walk over to the other rooms when I saw a chick on my left wearing wings and some black and red outfit wondering if she was trying to cosplay Misa from Death Note.  Someone was being elevated to a divine status and when I got to the third room I felt pretty good, like it was going to be me but I was incognito until the last moment. It was like Padme doing her thing while she had a decoy Amidala. We kept walking through and my familiar (all of a sudden I have one) asks me if I’d ever been up against a god or a demigod or something like that and I was all no? And then I saw her, this woman with short brown hair was standing in the middle of the room and she looked right at me like she was going to come after me.  They were going to follow through with my decoy instead of with me and I wasn’t sure if they struck some deal or felt she was better aligned with their motives or if she manipulated them but this was bad.  I wasn’t sure where the fourth sister was, maybe we were sensing her? And this is where I woke up. Sigh.

I had the hardest time finding fetish gear in this dream and it was incredibly annoying.  I was at this clothing shop during a sale and was looking for old school Lip Service style clothing, like 90’s and early 2000’s goth aesthetic and there wasn’t much, then thought about the plastic harnesses is seen previously and remembered Apatico had become big and wanted to see their stuff.  I wandered around and found accessories but not what I was looking for.  A glass case against the wall by the check out counter had a lot of stuff I recognized in there and I realized they were all things I already owned, I was convinced they were actually mine.  I kept walking around and went into another large room, where there were a lot of art supplies, then on another wall shiny trinkets and decor, again not what I was looking for at the moment.  I walked back out to the main area and went back around the corner and up stairs to another room where there was a lady I’d seen earlier, and needed to retrieve my clothes back, she had them (along with someone else’s normy clothes) under the mattress in a made bed stating something about it not being good if the kids found it? 

I left and went in next door, it seemed like an open studio or some other business in various states of setup or breakdown:  I wandered into another room where I saw a naked woman on a chaise lounge or something, and other in the middle of the room.  They weren’t coherent, I couldn’t tell if they were strung out or just sleep deprived and tired.  The natural lighting in the room was great so maybe this was a studio?  There was a guy (who was dressed) standing by the woman in the middle of the room who turned to look at me and this is where I went from confused to feeling like I’d just walked in on something and immediately turned around and walked out.  I heard him chase after me and went into some other room by the kitchen and chilled by a desk.  I heard him saying something (can’t remember what) and came back out.  A few people were coming down the stairs and exiting, I was accusing the guy of something but the two women eventually showed up wearing dresses and seemed fine.  One really wanted to see my nails and took my hand, and while we were talking she snapped off my right index and middle nails in the middle so they were level with the tips of my fingers. And I said wtf and she said so they could be something different than the stones set inside the acrylic and I was like… you don’t snap them off and reshape them, you fill them and change it then, and she was like ohh. And that pissed me off more. 

I was walking around an office I’d been in a the start of the dream, and for the first time in the dream wearing a pink top and gray slacks.  I passed Jösh walking out of a conference room in a hall and he was talking to someone.  His hair was like it was at the 2014 holiday party and I just wanted to play with it but I was supposed to be mad and avoidant, gdi.  He was also wearing a suit jacket but it was a dark green instead of the blue one irl, and then I noticed he was only wearing boxers under instead of slacks and realized it was a mockery of something from earlier in the dream with me not wearing much.  I can’t remember the start of this dream well, but damn. Lol 

I had a strange and busy dream but woke up a few times this morning and only have a few pieces of it left in memory. I was walking around a lot and for some reason fell asleep outside the kitchen door on a porch. Like I didn’t feel like going inside, but woke up from a nap (it’s dark out the entire time) and noticed there was some snow on the ground, it was a really light powder but it was sparkly and looked like it had been on the ground for a while.  I also wanted to go skinny dipping in the hot spring back there, I was already naked for unknown reasons, yay dream logic, and walked on the crunchy snow by the water to dip my toes in. It was warm but not as hot as I’d hoped.  The water was also super dark because it wasn’t a well lit area so I changed my mind and decided to grab a towel off a chair and head inside. 

One interesting bit was sitting in a room, not sure of it was a bedroom or a room I converted into an art room but I was doing some mixed multimedia piece that was tangible, but I “scrolled up” on my drafting table (I really want one of those) and there were other cut pots and pieces I didn’t remember that I needed to arrange.  Then I grabbed a piece of art I didn’t recognize, then another, and wondered who did them.  They were good, and I wasn’t sure if some of them were water color on heavy textured paper, but a bigger piece had a kind of note written on the bottom right quadrant and explained it was the previous person who lived here, Idk if they were alone or had roommates, but it briefly explained some economic hardships and also mentioned food scarcity.  It made me very sad they went through this, that they weren’t around anymore, and that we’d never met. 

I was out, clothed, and it was daylight.  I left my car in a parking space around the corner from where I was going, it was almost set up like Town Square by the Sephora on the way to the Apple Store, and  I forgot the art piece I brought with me in the car and had to walk back.  Instead of only business being above retail, it was a mix of office space and residential in the area and I was going to see Johnathan. I was super excited cause it had been forever and I thought about kissing him when he opened the door but I kept going back and forth downstairs cause I kept forgetting things I had to go back for before I woke up. 🙁 

Dreams sabotaging me. 

I was PSAS oncall in a huge office like the old GD building in AZ, some manager calls and I explain how the oncall rotates between the main team and how our team handles overflow. His team by the lobby is the original team but my team had just recently gotten involved and the guy didn’t get how the resolver group was rotating. I walked out and went to the stand alone bathroom to isolate myself and get some space, it was like the outside bathrooms at Town Square except they were large single bathrooms instead of stalls. I was about to leave after collecting myself when I took a call from the manager’s assistant and he was having issues cause he saw some bad feedback and I wasn’t sure if it was Chris or work drama and politics or if I made a good call and someone got mad since I wasn’t anywhere where I could look up what was being discussed.

I hear a knock at the door then heard Jösh calling my name and asking me to open the door. I was annoyed and refused but couldn’t leave and turned my back to the door (it was a decent sized room). He kept knocking on the door for a while, then I heard Trev’s voice asking me to open the door so I did, she comes in with another friend and then Jösh followed and I had no idea what to do.  He pulled them for help to try and reconcile, and she had some workbook with her from some resource that was supposed to help her or work as a guide idk.

I was aggravated, but hurt more than anything. I couldn’t trust this even though I wanted to more than anything.  He said some things and I shot them down omw out the door, saying things like how someday I’ll have a family with someone else and will do all these things and on holidays, and he’ll be alone working because he’s always put it first and it’s always been his escape. He called my name out and said “please don’t go” when I stepped through the threshold, but came back in and he was across the suite in bed looking miserable. 

I didn’t know what the “proper” thing to do was so I let impulse take over and ran over and jumped into bed next to him so I could hug and cuddle him. I started asking questions like what would he do differently and he started talking about the future with both of us in it and that was different, I was hurting so bad that it took us going through all this to get here, he mentioned something about rows on airplanes and trips, I wanted to make a comment about him giving me children, and it wasn’t because I was expecting them or expecting him to completely take everything back, it’s the concept that we could discuss any future or possibility and it wouldn’t throw him off.  I melted into him, it had been years and I didn’t even know what to make of any of this but didn’t care.  He asked me if I’d been drawing and I said no, both the question and answer implied it had been a while, maybe years.  I had to get up and go back to my office, a coworker had messaged me saying he was leaving early because of the World Cup and I hadn’t realized he was taking the afternoon.

When I tried to get up Jösh pulled me closer and kissed me before letting me go.  I got up and turned around the corner to go up the stairs, it was dark inside the house and it was huge, Trev was still around somewhere (she followed behind me up the stairs) but idk where the other guy went.  Jösh had gone somewhere else in the house but Idk where either, and someone else at the company started narrating a tour as I walked through the house, one bedroom had a bunk bed I hadn’t noticed until she mentioned and I made some association with twins, she was talking about what furniture and stuff was staying with he house and my first thought was this was way too much house for my needs, and I don’t have kids and can’t have them so… 

I was vpn’d on my phone and chatting with someone at work I didn’t know but who was a previous oncall for the psas thing and I was asking if they could step in because we were down a person, and they didn’t have the setup on their computer so I was trying to pass off the old extension info I was using and would just switch whenever I got back. I wandered the house and then ended up at some crazy lowes ikea like place with Sabrina and we were walking around and in the distance I saw some huge rat run across an aisle and was like Sabrina! She wasn’t paying attention and then was like what? But it was too late.  Then Ryan (di’s bf) was there and sabrina was pushing him in a cart while they discussed what they were getting there, she was talking about a dresser that was large enough to make space at his place for her, she was intermittently speaking French to him, they were flirting and it was odd (I think my brain swapped priest for him).  A little afte that I woke up. I was so fucking warm and happy in that dream, I felt Jösh  squeeze me tight, he made the effort to track down my friend and mentor, came to Seattle, apologized, promise me a lot of very wonderful things that would take the rest of our lives to make happen, and I believed them all because I wanted to and I wanted to live that life he described.  It’s the first time in a long time a dream like this didn’t make me cry.

I’d like to believe in a parallel universe this happened and we get to spend our lives making each other happy and doing everything we’ve ever wanted to do. I guess dream me gets that, and it’s nice. 

Had a very choppy and busy dream, there was one part where I was walking through a crowded outdoor market after work omw home and was behind this (imaginary) lady who was higher up in my company, as we kept walking we ended up at her patio and there were a bunch of people and kids hanging around, she owned orchards and some other agriculture so I asked what was currently for sale and she said hazelnuts. But they were actually Brazil nuts (didn’t realize it in the dream). She offered for me to stay for dinner and I said sure and this kid (maybe around jr high age?) sits next to me on the couch and hands me a plate but I’m having trouble eating the steak due to teeth pain. She comes up with a cheesy omelet and I feel bad about the extra effort but am grateful. She’s done and gets up to go do her thing, by then everyone else had cleared out so I’m awkwardly sitting in the corner of this couch with my partially eaten omelet and I place it on the coffee table. The lady from before comes back and starts to cuddle me and all I could think to myself was “wasn’t she wearing a pink sweater earlier?” Cause now she was in slacks and a black bra and I was all confused like… we didn’t even discuss this tho? I mean I like this, but shouldn’t there have been some dialogue?

Then I was at a Johnathan’s house to pick something up and was petting the dogs there. I walked over to another room in the hall and yelled for his son to come out and say hi, he said sorry and didn’t realize I was over and came out. My parents were strangely with me (this is the strange part?) and we’re wandering between the kitchen and front room, people started coming over and I hadn’t realized it was a get together, the kitchen was getting busier. I saw my rapist’s son walk by me, not acknowledge me, and the. Turn his back to me while leaning against the back of a couch. I made a couple general comments loudly and he chose to ignore my presence. He was very tall now, and last time I saw him irl he was taller than me but not by much. I had decided if/when his father showed up, I was going to very loudly and aggressively detail the terrible things he did to me as a teenager so no one could look away and would have to see how he confronted the truth of his actions. Someone had made a comment to someone else about how he’d become sickly and I rolled my eyes. Eventually the door opened with another group coming in and there was my rapist, in a wheelchair, looking even worse than I’d imagined previously. He looked at least 20 years older than he actually is, he’d shaved off that awful duck dynasty level beard he had in a photo of seen, he still looked absolutely disgusting, but I recognized him instantly when we locked eyes. We never broke that eye contact when he came in and wheeled past me, and we just glared at each other. I wanted to start calling him out immediately but it was loud from all the fingers in the room and everyone was scattered. While passing me he stopped to turn in his chair and make some nasty comment, I can’t even remember what it was but I had no sympathy for whatever got him to his current state and was ready to put him in his place when I woke up.

Woke up, still felt completely burnt out physically and mentally and took a sick day, went back to sleep and right into a dream where I was driving on the freeway, and in the dream you don’t really know where you are, but then when you wake up realize it’s the 202 westbound in Phoenix, the curve between the 143 and 44th st by Sky Harbor airport.

Well in the dream it was evening and an suv and some other car are in front of me on the curve. It’s a wide curve but with the high walls the visibility doesn’t go far. The suv turned out to be DPS and pulled over the car in front of him, being in the far left lane of the curve I moved over a lane as they we’re pulling over to the shoulder, then there was another suv in front of me pulling over another car and I realized this was a trap where patrol was waiting for drivers. I moved over to the right again before I could see the orange cones starting to close the right lane, or the black sedan that was jackknifed right in front of them and that’s when I collided head on with it.

I “woke up” in another vehicle and saw my car turned around on the freeway, the front end was essentially gone and the windshield shattered so there was glass everywhere on the ground. An officer was standing outside the car, asking me if I’d been acting more on impulsively lately, or been partaking in increasingly reckless activities, and then asked me if I’d been getting enough sleep and I was all “what?” And this is where I woke up. *eyeroll*

I’ve been incredibly fatigued lately. Nausea hit hard yesterday and this morning was so bad I canceled my shuttle to sleep in and will have to drive downtown again this week. I’ve been running at a pace I can’t physically handle for a while but it’s jot like I’ve had a choice. At least some of it is going to change soon and hopefully it’ll be more manageable.

So of course I have a stress dream this morning where I’m sitting on a bed with some clothes strewn about and then Josh is there acting like nothing ever happened. We’re in this living room around other people and Idk if the third party is a roommate or if I live there, everything looks foreign to me, everything feels foreign. And that persons asking some questions trying to make small talk and brings up social media. This is where I mentioned recently killing my social media accounts (which I did irl and haven’t reactivated yet).

So irl I’ve discovered over and over how there are certain people who I’d like to keep in contact with but can’t because I killed some accounts. I’m going to have to go back at some point and feel bad I disappeared without saying anything but shit got bad.

Anyway in the dream I mentioned recently killing social media and Josh is like “I should just delete mine since I never log in anyway” and perma deleted fb instead of just deactivating, which in turn perma deleted everything from the internet, his online presence was gone. His presence would be gone, like he was in my imagination. It was beyond unsettling, like I could never reach him but he could always find me if he wanted to. It felt unfair. And I felt stupid, why would I ever be compelled to reach out after everything that happened? I was still hurt and angry, I missed the fallacy, I missed a man that wasn’t real. I gave my greatest love to a lie. I am the fool. Dream me went through all of these thoughts before waking up. I’m exhausted af physically and emotionally, and I’m tired of my brain putting me through this when I need rest and just want to move on.

I’ve been dreaming most nights but they’ve all been extra chaotic and I haven’t had the time most mornings to unpack them so they fade into obscurity.

I woke up feeling pretty nauseated and dehydrated despite downing quite a bit of water earlier and just feel like there’s nothing to give. No energy, noodley arms, noodley body. But the last dream was such a fucking mess I thought maybe go over the highlights even if I can’t get all the details.

I was walking up a road going over a hill with some guy I didn’t know and this chick in a dark red robe, when I turned around I noticed there was a rope around her waist and it was dragging on the ground, the guy and I were chatting about where we were trying to take her where she’d be okay, Idk if she escaped from somewhere or what happened. We ended up inside this hanger but it was being used as a parking lot and there were a few cars. We waited and saw someone take off in one, then we took off in a small white car that looked like it was made in Europe in the first half of the 20th century.

I was walking aimlessly after that chick left like I didn’t know what was going to happen next, and started going back towards another hanger that looked like it had been converted to a general metalworks shop or something and was wondering if dude was gonna follow or not and was aggravated when he hadn’t and if that meant figuring a way out on my own.

There’s some bit where I was in bed and Idk whose bedroom it was (was it mine?) and there was a kitty and I tried to get it’s interest to come up so I could pet it, and eventually it did come up and then I panicked about where it’s food and water was so I got up and opened the bedroom door to go find stuff. I was in the hall (the stairs to go downstairs were in the middle of the room) but there was a kitchen on the floor I was on. There were also other cats, my wifey’s cats irl, and some others, all kind of hanging out. There was a huge spread in various bowls on the floor that looked like a Korean dinner. I still went to the kitchen looking for actual cat food and water and saw these packs on the counter with cans and cans of Friskies and when I went to grab one it was bloated and didn’t look safe. Idk if it expired, there were these weird popover looking baked caps on them, I picked another and the cap crumpled, then some juice leaked out, I wasn’t comfortable giving these to the cats. Then mom showed up talking about requirements for some other place like she was expecting me to move even though I was only aware of these 1-3 cats being my responsibility. Then I saw brand new kittens, like weeks old and wondered how they happened. I asked wifey when I saw her and she said some of the others hadn’t been fixed in time and I was all… so some siblings had kittens?! ._.

I’m missing a lot of dream here, eventually a huge red truck that you’d think was the size of a fire truck but it wasn’t a fire truck came out and some non-binary person with colorful hair stepped out with my wifey (maybe the cat thing happened after?), and then that person’s security detail came out and they were all huge and armed. Some stayed behind and some took off. They sat at the table outside under a pop up canopy and I hesitated since no one seemed interested in interacting me, and I didn’t want any effort to be seen as trying to get in good with someone I didn’t know with an agenda.

I went inside the middle door in a triplex that ended up being huge because the steps went down into the ground, but it was all wooden like an old tavern and a Muse song was playing very loudly and I was singing at the top of my lungs with it as I walked in like it was some kind of grand show, then I leaned down from the stair to the floor, running to the other platform on the other end of the room past a bff’s mom who is a fairy at ren faire, and turn back to see an ex from college sitting on the steps looking at me in disbelief and I wasn’t sure if it was mostly wtf was that, wtf am I doing here, why is this happening, or what else it might have been. There was another flight of wooden stairs that went down to two rooms (or two small apartments?) that were being rented out and I think the place belonged to the bff’s mom? In one room to the left, I think it was being rented by my first ex bf, and I knew the person renting the one on the right. It can’t remember who it was supposed to be. I woke up around here.

That’s still a lot, and I still can’t remember a lot, it was chaotic af. I wish I knew which Muse song it was, or if it was a real one. I’m also coming to a realization there’s been a common theme in the last few months where whenever there’s a cat or there are cats in my dreams I want to pet them, and as soon as I realize they’re mine I panic about where their food and water is because I can’t remember the last time I fed them. Why is this a theme? Why does this keep happening?

Apparently Jöshua graduated from sad dreams that make me cry about what I’d never have into bizarre stress dreams. I guess joining the ranks of others I’ve walked from is… something. Regardless I still hate that after all the his time, and despite what I know, he’s still there some nights. I hate that my brain cycles do this, with anyone.

I’m missing a lot of pieces, I woke up in the middle of the night coughing for no reason. But there was some part where we were walking through some area at night, like in some residential complex but the sidewalk ended and it was grassy, there was water, and I was comparing the size of a pool to the right to another one I’ve dreamed of previously. We kept walking and the only way forward was though water but I didn’t want to get my silver purse wet, I tried hanging on to the black bars or the fence surrounding the pool but then I was half swimming half going from rail to rail and was aggravated. He asked what was so important about not getting it wet and I mentioned my wallet was in there, my ss card wasn’t laminated (I don’t even carry it around irl). I made it to the other side and set my things next to his phone and some other stuff.

I chilled at a corner and he was under water, hanging out at the bottom of the corner I was at when I went to the right, then pushing off the floor of the pool with his feet and swimming to another area. This pool reminded me of the one in the complex I grew up in, but only to try and estimate it’s depth. That pool was 13’ at the deep end, this one seemed to be at least that much. I was floating and holding on to the edge lightly with my right hand, then moved back into a corner and chilled. We were skinny dipping and then I was hanging out and looked down to see I was wearing my “keep calm and kill zombies” tank (but I never got up or put anything on, dream magic). Earlier I had a thought, wondering if he was going to sneak up from under me to start playing with me or go down on me. The feelings were very mixing with high anxiety, it was really confusing.

We were in the smaller (it was still pretty big) jacuzzi and I was hanging out in another corner when my arms out to support myself from going under when a group of older ladies showed up. The water had drained and we were about to call maintenance when Jöshua stated it was due to some emergency police or fire were involved with (I can’t remember which) and the resources like continual electricity for heat and water were rationed for said thing, he was laying on his side across me, with his back against my chest and I thought… oh, well if he knew this why didn’t he say anything sooner. I was aggravated. I just stroked his hair.

The ladies eventually got up to leave, and he started telling me about work shit. Work shit spanning as far back as the implosion of our org to where he was now. How he was smarter about things and better equipped to handle them from experience but it never meant it got easier, it was the same hard bs. That was relatable. He started talking about something that sounded like a drug test to me but I wasn’t 100% sure, then he referenced something that basically sounded like a pap smear to me, but rectal and I was extremely confused.

We were out of the water and I had to collect my things before I left, I was under the impression I’d never come back to this place. There was also some side thing in my mind about having to go directly to Wisconsin to return some awful cheese that I later remembered was acquired from Costco, but it was too late to return it for some reason. I couldn’t remember what state I was in, I pulled up maps which showed Wisconsin was right above Washington (because dream maps don’t have to match reality) and I was all ohhh that’s why I couldn’t picture it, weird. And thought of Wisconsin as a mini Canada, or being Canada lite. You go there and it’s like going to Canada without crossing an international border, also cheese. I thought how convenient, I can drive there when I’m back in a Washington (I realize I’m still not sure which state I’m in at the time but am guessing the general southwest).

I start trying to gather my things, quickly realizing I need a canvas tote bag or three. I’m grabbing items, find a stack of my books I didn’t remember sneaking in, some old receipts, and as I sit there on the carpet going through stuff (I don’t remember going inside), I turn to sit in front of a door and realize I’m looking at the metal computer desk that I’ve had since I was a teenager, and I still have that irl. I wasn’t sure how to toss it, I couldn’t bring it with me and wasn’t sure if I every needed it or not. I hate being wasteful though, and reverted back to thinking about getting it through the door next to me and leaving it in the lawn in case someone wanted to come by and take it. I woke up somewhere around here.

I kept waking up, and my visions still a little fuzzy right now. The fatigues been excessive lately so maybe that contributed to all the crazy streams through the night. I remember trying to record some crazy dream in here in my dream! That’s a first. I had some dream that I was running around some resort called Red Rock (but it looked nothing like Red Rock) and there were people andnit was chaotic. I went into some area and Lauren was there and so were a bunch of other goth chicks just pouring their hearts out about how they got burned when they loved. Right before or after (not sure on the order) I was sitting at a table right by an arcade, talking to someone, and Jöshua (thanks phone) showed up with a couple huge bags of food and everyone swarmed the table to grab breakfast burritos and I was like … and then I was all fuck it and grabbed one and started eating it and walking down the hall past arcade games before the other person I was talking to could finish making their comments about how that was gonna hurt because the tortillas were flour. I knew, I always know and by the time I’m willing to “cheat” with gluten Idgaf (it’s been a while irl cause it does hurt bad).

So I ask a staff member the easiest way to get to my hotel and she points out where to find the elevator, I ask if there’s a bathroom and at first she said there wasn’t, and then I wouldn’t want to go in there, then unlocks it and it looks like a normal resort bathroom until I lock the door to shower and part of it are gross because people are gross and I’m all wtf? I turn on the shower and hose everything down with hot water, then get in and try to relax under the water, then turn it off, pull the curtain, and am in a towel when a couple friends showed up and then some stranger I didn’t know was there and I was all uhhh… they’re all just chatting and then get out, so I get out of the bathroom and it’s outside (it was inside a building when I went in, and didn’t notice that in the dream *shrug*). I’m all, I gotta get going and dude I just met says something then bends down to kiss me and leaves and then there’s just more wtf was that?!

And I’m hanging out in a room that’s a little narrow with a desk and a normal or, modern tv on it and in the corner is a pretty tall shelf with a vintage gaming console at the top, an old CRT tv with a what… 16” or 17” screen even though the box itself is huge and the glass is rounded and bulby. I was sitting on a foldout chair looking at it and thinking I could set it up as a vintage gaming station. I can’t emember exactly what happened next but I think there was something before I was out walking around some antique shop, and then there were glass cases with a bunch of guns, and I was there with a couple friends, or a friend who was chasing this chick he was maybe hoping to have a three some with her and I, all while I’m browsing guns thinking yeah, that’s not gonna happen. I was swiping photos on my phone of these cute little birds sitting on these little terrariums in teacups and after a while I was holding the teacups and birds in my left hand as I swiped with my right index finger, and they also paired guns with the cups and birds. They were small 9mm pistols designed to be easily concealed and carried in handbags so they advertised them with other cute small things, and the tiny black finch in the black teacup was my favorite.

… I got pulled into a thing before I could come back in here and everything after is pretty much gone. There’s some vague bit about being in some living room that almost looked like the one I grew up in but the furniture was arranged a little differently and I was sitting on one couch and Jöshua was stretched out on the other, trying to convince me to do something and I was rejecting the request but can’t remember what it was.

“I spent all last night dreaming about basically an Excel spreadsheet and realizing that applying percentages to a running total is not the same thing as applying percentages to each line item

So naturally I’m very well rested now lol”

“Must have been something in the air. I had a whack ass dream that I was declining in mental health, so my gf, my mom and my ex started taking over all my responsibilities and dividing up my assists, in front of me. I could “speak” to them as I would. Intelligent, coherent. But their responses and faces seemed to tell me that I was clapping and flapping on the outside. It was maddening. I was getting sad head pats from my daughter and no one would or could listen to me. God. I hope that’s not how it goes.”R