Author Archives: sugarcoatedevil

Had a weird dream this morning I had to pull over in some lot and my car wouldn’t park, it kept acting like it would only go in neutral and kept rolling back out of a spot I parked in. It finally stopped and I walked the perimeter of what looked like a warehouse until I found the side with the open roll up door. Inside I found someone I knew (not irl) and this kid wanted to fight me. We were in some carpeted back room area… I guess some residential apartment inside or connected to the warehouse and I thought this was ridiculous, the guy was bouncing around and obviously didn’t know how to fight and I don’t really either but I got into the same stance I do at kickboxing and dude almost backed down for a second until he decided to do a shitty roundhouse kick and I punched him.

He decided to stop after that and we exchanged a few words but I forgot what we said. I went back around to find someone else and noticed one of my nails was barely hanging onto my nail bed. They we’re natural (no acrylic or hard gel) and surprisingly it didn’t hurt but it looked unnerving and I didn’t want to bang it against anything so I looked for nail clippers until I realized it would just come off. A few of my nails did this, but my fingers looked fine under. The other person I knew in the dream found me and we chatted a little before I left.

I was somewhere else that looked like it couple have been some convention or business thing and was standing at a table with a sign on it by an escalator. I noticed one of my teeth was in my hand and it was cracked and had some paper mache looking long pink root attaches to it. (I’ve had a lot of dreams over the years where I’ve lost teeth and it’s been bloody and terrifying). There was no blood here, and I had new teeth in place of the ones I lost. I looked in the palm of my other hand and there was an eye with that same paper mache nerve attached to it, which I thought was mine but I still had both of my eyes attached (and the iris was blue?). It was weird af, I was intending on taking the escalator but can’t remember if I did.

I was in an office and someone was going over some issue to a few of us, dad was there acting like he knows computers better than I do (that’s consistent with his behavior irl) and eventually I left and care back when he was gone and then the issue was handled after he left. I ended up in some theater at work and my lead shared this giant Snickers with me and we made Betty White jokes. Then I left to see friends and found Sage and we were sitting on a couch after everyone else passed out and I handed him a drawing I had in a folder.

Other than losing body parts this wasn’t so bad. And even that part wasn’t as bad as it’s been over the years because I’d regenerated replacements.
Happy Halloween?

Just woke up from an active shooter at work dream. Throats worse, feel worse. Going back to sleep for a little.

Oh man, I just woke up from a bunch of really busy, roller coaster of dreams and nightmares. There were more settings than I can count in some weird places, and the only two calm bits included being on a computer on some Trillian or Pidgin looking chat client and hitting up a friend, or the one bit where I was having a quiet internal melt down and Nathan Fillion cuddled me to calm me down. He was a good big spoon. I swear I didn’t eat anything weird before bed. My dreams the last few nights have been chaotic af.

I was at some crazy con that was this mix of defcon and blizzcon. There was so much going on but all I can think about was someone pulling me aside saying they knew I’d been seeing him and I was like what? They knew I’d been doing the on again off again thing with Josh because my parents had hired them to figure out why I was so miserable and they were there to disseminate what they had found.  This lady and I “bumped into each other” at the grocery store (like WF or something) and kept going to the same places with our carts until she probably noticed some expression on my face and tried to make like of it by saying it reminded her of this other thing she missed shopping together with others and how communal it was, and I was all yeah and mentioned how it reminded me of Handmaids Tale and having to shop in pairs.

Anyway, she made that comment about being aware of things and I was like what?  She started getting specific and convinced me to go to a closed off area at the con where she had a TV set up, a folder with timelines and other info printed out, and recordings.  She started a video and Josh was at an arcade with a blonde chick like they were on a date.  I wondered when the cctv recording was from and found a date of 7/1. There was another recording from a few days later but the lady determined it was best not to show it, I was about to push her for it but stopped myself when she followed up with believing it was in my best interest and I realized all that recording would have shown was them hooking up, and she was right I didn’t need to see anything else.  I realized it occurred the weekend before his birthday.  What got me was her mentioning him saying this chick was easily forgettable, and Idk if that was commentary under his breath to himself or said to someone else in passing but all I could think was wtf is this? He’s lying to Anna, he’s lying to me… maybe.  He’s on video trying to impress some chick he thinks is easily forgettable but has told me in the past that I’m unforgettable.

Here I was at this con and he was there too, and Idk if we’d begun speaking a little again or if he chose to attend assuming I would be there because it’s my kind of thing and he knew there’d be a high probability of running into me.  There had been a lot of tension and confusion, maybe a moment of resentment then intrigue.  We’d interacted before I was pulled aside and all this data was presented.  I was being risky with my behavior, we’d been alone in rooms discussing things, and there was one instance where at the end of one of the con days I was stripping a button down shirt off before retreating into the bathroom.  I was on my period which was annoying, unfortunate timing, and there’s some irony because of the week we met (Oh, I’m also on my period irl right now too and experienced “period flu” for the first time in Friday.  The shivering was so bad I almost went to the ER thinking it was TSS or some other infection.  Definitely didn’t mean to tangent away from the dream here). So in the dream I had this idea to hop in the shower a few minutes before him to clean up and wash my hair, I didn’t have to worry about not getting it wet, and then I could reenact an old dream where I went down on him in a shower, and we could have shower sex and I wouldn’t have to worry about a mess.  

And then this lady found me and told me about his other affair and I was like… I can’t fucking deal with this.  Plans changed.  It’s off.  I was in the shower by myself thinking about all this before turning the water on, and Josh came back to the room and I had noooo idea what I was going to say, if anything.  Everything he’s said to me all these years was bs, I was just another chick with a sex drive who was willing to do something about it, and then I woke up. 

This is a dream I don’t want to forget but a lot of it is gone after getting up and thinking about a million things in the shower. I was inside some small indoor cabana type place, like the cabanas you can rent at large casino pools in Vegas instead this one had a glass wall and glass door and it had its own climate control.  I looked at the mirrored door on the closet then at my reflection in another mirror by the futon I was on (it was super low) and my hair was super long again.  I looked a little different but was still me.  I was waiting for someone or something but decided I should get up and venture out, almost bumping people when I got out the door and headed for the stairs.  

I was walking around outside trying to find the path back into the building across the grassy area. It was hilly, and this suddenly looked like it could have been some building in a tech park. I tried walking on what looked like a little dirt path through the grass and was on the side of the building when I noticed the ground looked really gray and mushy. Was it dried clay or gloppy concrete? I stepped gently and my foot began to sink so I went around.  Inside the space looked like some of the corporate chill out areas with couches everywhere and decor resembling what you’d expect from some new American restaurant trying they’re best to look cozy and contemporary.  I was sitting at a table in the main room with two other women I considered “sisters” in a witchy context.  I’m sure one was Dorcas and the other was Prudence.   looked out the window earlier and noticed waves splashing at the glass, this building was on the water.  And then when I looked again noticed it was almost raining sideways. All I could think was that I should have been leaving soonish for work but forget that.  I don’t remember everything in that conversation but we were talking about someone in another room who may have been another sister, making the four of us stronger. I already felt strong on my own, but I felt invincible if I was with them and we had a common goal.  There was talk about an announcement happening but we didn’t know when.  The three of us decided to get up and walk over to the other rooms when I saw a chick on my left wearing wings and some black and red outfit wondering if she was trying to cosplay Misa from Death Note.  Someone was being elevated to a divine status and when I got to the third room I felt pretty good, like it was going to be me but I was incognito until the last moment. It was like Padme doing her thing while she had a decoy Amidala. We kept walking through and my familiar (all of a sudden I have one) asks me if I’d ever been up against a god or a demigod or something like that and I was all no? And then I saw her, this woman with short brown hair was standing in the middle of the room and she looked right at me like she was going to come after me.  They were going to follow through with my decoy instead of with me and I wasn’t sure if they struck some deal or felt she was better aligned with their motives or if she manipulated them but this was bad.  I wasn’t sure where the fourth sister was, maybe we were sensing her? And this is where I woke up. Sigh.

I had the hardest time finding fetish gear in this dream and it was incredibly annoying.  I was at this clothing shop during a sale and was looking for old school Lip Service style clothing, like 90’s and early 2000’s goth aesthetic and there wasn’t much, then thought about the plastic harnesses is seen previously and remembered Apatico had become big and wanted to see their stuff.  I wandered around and found accessories but not what I was looking for.  A glass case against the wall by the check out counter had a lot of stuff I recognized in there and I realized they were all things I already owned, I was convinced they were actually mine.  I kept walking around and went into another large room, where there were a lot of art supplies, then on another wall shiny trinkets and decor, again not what I was looking for at the moment.  I walked back out to the main area and went back around the corner and up stairs to another room where there was a lady I’d seen earlier, and needed to retrieve my clothes back, she had them (along with someone else’s normy clothes) under the mattress in a made bed stating something about it not being good if the kids found it? 

I left and went in next door, it seemed like an open studio or some other business in various states of setup or breakdown:  I wandered into another room where I saw a naked woman on a chaise lounge or something, and other in the middle of the room.  They weren’t coherent, I couldn’t tell if they were strung out or just sleep deprived and tired.  The natural lighting in the room was great so maybe this was a studio?  There was a guy (who was dressed) standing by the woman in the middle of the room who turned to look at me and this is where I went from confused to feeling like I’d just walked in on something and immediately turned around and walked out.  I heard him chase after me and went into some other room by the kitchen and chilled by a desk.  I heard him saying something (can’t remember what) and came back out.  A few people were coming down the stairs and exiting, I was accusing the guy of something but the two women eventually showed up wearing dresses and seemed fine.  One really wanted to see my nails and took my hand, and while we were talking she snapped off my right index and middle nails in the middle so they were level with the tips of my fingers. And I said wtf and she said so they could be something different than the stones set inside the acrylic and I was like… you don’t snap them off and reshape them, you fill them and change it then, and she was like ohh. And that pissed me off more. 

I was walking around an office I’d been in a the start of the dream, and for the first time in the dream wearing a pink top and gray slacks.  I passed Jösh walking out of a conference room in a hall and he was talking to someone.  His hair was like it was at the 2014 holiday party and I just wanted to play with it but I was supposed to be mad and avoidant, gdi.  He was also wearing a suit jacket but it was a dark green instead of the blue one irl, and then I noticed he was only wearing boxers under instead of slacks and realized it was a mockery of something from earlier in the dream with me not wearing much.  I can’t remember the start of this dream well, but damn. Lol 

I had a strange and busy dream but woke up a few times this morning and only have a few pieces of it left in memory. I was walking around a lot and for some reason fell asleep outside the kitchen door on a porch. Like I didn’t feel like going inside, but woke up from a nap (it’s dark out the entire time) and noticed there was some snow on the ground, it was a really light powder but it was sparkly and looked like it had been on the ground for a while.  I also wanted to go skinny dipping in the hot spring back there, I was already naked for unknown reasons, yay dream logic, and walked on the crunchy snow by the water to dip my toes in. It was warm but not as hot as I’d hoped.  The water was also super dark because it wasn’t a well lit area so I changed my mind and decided to grab a towel off a chair and head inside. 

One interesting bit was sitting in a room, not sure of it was a bedroom or a room I converted into an art room but I was doing some mixed multimedia piece that was tangible, but I “scrolled up” on my drafting table (I really want one of those) and there were other cut pots and pieces I didn’t remember that I needed to arrange.  Then I grabbed a piece of art I didn’t recognize, then another, and wondered who did them.  They were good, and I wasn’t sure if some of them were water color on heavy textured paper, but a bigger piece had a kind of note written on the bottom right quadrant and explained it was the previous person who lived here, Idk if they were alone or had roommates, but it briefly explained some economic hardships and also mentioned food scarcity.  It made me very sad they went through this, that they weren’t around anymore, and that we’d never met. 

I was out, clothed, and it was daylight.  I left my car in a parking space around the corner from where I was going, it was almost set up like Town Square by the Sephora on the way to the Apple Store, and  I forgot the art piece I brought with me in the car and had to walk back.  Instead of only business being above retail, it was a mix of office space and residential in the area and I was going to see Johnathan. I was super excited cause it had been forever and I thought about kissing him when he opened the door but I kept going back and forth downstairs cause I kept forgetting things I had to go back for before I woke up. 🙁 

Dreams sabotaging me. 

I was PSAS oncall in a huge office like the old GD building in AZ, some manager calls and I explain how the oncall rotates between the main team and how our team handles overflow. His team by the lobby is the original team but my team had just recently gotten involved and the guy didn’t get how the resolver group was rotating. I walked out and went to the stand alone bathroom to isolate myself and get some space, it was like the outside bathrooms at Town Square except they were large single bathrooms instead of stalls. I was about to leave after collecting myself when I took a call from the manager’s assistant and he was having issues cause he saw some bad feedback and I wasn’t sure if it was Chris or work drama and politics or if I made a good call and someone got mad since I wasn’t anywhere where I could look up what was being discussed.

I hear a knock at the door then heard Jösh calling my name and asking me to open the door. I was annoyed and refused but couldn’t leave and turned my back to the door (it was a decent sized room). He kept knocking on the door for a while, then I heard Trev’s voice asking me to open the door so I did, she comes in with another friend and then Jösh followed and I had no idea what to do.  He pulled them for help to try and reconcile, and she had some workbook with her from some resource that was supposed to help her or work as a guide idk.

I was aggravated, but hurt more than anything. I couldn’t trust this even though I wanted to more than anything.  He said some things and I shot them down omw out the door, saying things like how someday I’ll have a family with someone else and will do all these things and on holidays, and he’ll be alone working because he’s always put it first and it’s always been his escape. He called my name out and said “please don’t go” when I stepped through the threshold, but came back in and he was across the suite in bed looking miserable. 

I didn’t know what the “proper” thing to do was so I let impulse take over and ran over and jumped into bed next to him so I could hug and cuddle him. I started asking questions like what would he do differently and he started talking about the future with both of us in it and that was different, I was hurting so bad that it took us going through all this to get here, he mentioned something about rows on airplanes and trips, I wanted to make a comment about him giving me children, and it wasn’t because I was expecting them or expecting him to completely take everything back, it’s the concept that we could discuss any future or possibility and it wouldn’t throw him off.  I melted into him, it had been years and I didn’t even know what to make of any of this but didn’t care.  He asked me if I’d been drawing and I said no, both the question and answer implied it had been a while, maybe years.  I had to get up and go back to my office, a coworker had messaged me saying he was leaving early because of the World Cup and I hadn’t realized he was taking the afternoon.

When I tried to get up Jösh pulled me closer and kissed me before letting me go.  I got up and turned around the corner to go up the stairs, it was dark inside the house and it was huge, Trev was still around somewhere (she followed behind me up the stairs) but idk where the other guy went.  Jösh had gone somewhere else in the house but Idk where either, and someone else at the company started narrating a tour as I walked through the house, one bedroom had a bunk bed I hadn’t noticed until she mentioned and I made some association with twins, she was talking about what furniture and stuff was staying with he house and my first thought was this was way too much house for my needs, and I don’t have kids and can’t have them so… 

I was vpn’d on my phone and chatting with someone at work I didn’t know but who was a previous oncall for the psas thing and I was asking if they could step in because we were down a person, and they didn’t have the setup on their computer so I was trying to pass off the old extension info I was using and would just switch whenever I got back. I wandered the house and then ended up at some crazy lowes ikea like place with Sabrina and we were walking around and in the distance I saw some huge rat run across an aisle and was like Sabrina! She wasn’t paying attention and then was like what? But it was too late.  Then Ryan (di’s bf) was there and sabrina was pushing him in a cart while they discussed what they were getting there, she was talking about a dresser that was large enough to make space at his place for her, she was intermittently speaking French to him, they were flirting and it was odd (I think my brain swapped priest for him).  A little afte that I woke up. I was so fucking warm and happy in that dream, I felt Jösh  squeeze me tight, he made the effort to track down my friend and mentor, came to Seattle, apologized, promise me a lot of very wonderful things that would take the rest of our lives to make happen, and I believed them all because I wanted to and I wanted to live that life he described.  It’s the first time in a long time a dream like this didn’t make me cry.

I’d like to believe in a parallel universe this happened and we get to spend our lives making each other happy and doing everything we’ve ever wanted to do. I guess dream me gets that, and it’s nice. 

Had a very choppy and busy dream, there was one part where I was walking through a crowded outdoor market after work omw home and was behind this (imaginary) lady who was higher up in my company, as we kept walking we ended up at her patio and there were a bunch of people and kids hanging around, she owned orchards and some other agriculture so I asked what was currently for sale and she said hazelnuts. But they were actually Brazil nuts (didn’t realize it in the dream). She offered for me to stay for dinner and I said sure and this kid (maybe around jr high age?) sits next to me on the couch and hands me a plate but I’m having trouble eating the steak due to teeth pain. She comes up with a cheesy omelet and I feel bad about the extra effort but am grateful. She’s done and gets up to go do her thing, by then everyone else had cleared out so I’m awkwardly sitting in the corner of this couch with my partially eaten omelet and I place it on the coffee table. The lady from before comes back and starts to cuddle me and all I could think to myself was “wasn’t she wearing a pink sweater earlier?” Cause now she was in slacks and a black bra and I was all confused like… we didn’t even discuss this tho? I mean I like this, but shouldn’t there have been some dialogue?

Then I was at a Johnathan’s house to pick something up and was petting the dogs there. I walked over to another room in the hall and yelled for his son to come out and say hi, he said sorry and didn’t realize I was over and came out. My parents were strangely with me (this is the strange part?) and we’re wandering between the kitchen and front room, people started coming over and I hadn’t realized it was a get together, the kitchen was getting busier. I saw my rapist’s son walk by me, not acknowledge me, and the. Turn his back to me while leaning against the back of a couch. I made a couple general comments loudly and he chose to ignore my presence. He was very tall now, and last time I saw him irl he was taller than me but not by much. I had decided if/when his father showed up, I was going to very loudly and aggressively detail the terrible things he did to me as a teenager so no one could look away and would have to see how he confronted the truth of his actions. Someone had made a comment to someone else about how he’d become sickly and I rolled my eyes. Eventually the door opened with another group coming in and there was my rapist, in a wheelchair, looking even worse than I’d imagined previously. He looked at least 20 years older than he actually is, he’d shaved off that awful duck dynasty level beard he had in a photo of seen, he still looked absolutely disgusting, but I recognized him instantly when we locked eyes. We never broke that eye contact when he came in and wheeled past me, and we just glared at each other. I wanted to start calling him out immediately but it was loud from all the fingers in the room and everyone was scattered. While passing me he stopped to turn in his chair and make some nasty comment, I can’t even remember what it was but I had no sympathy for whatever got him to his current state and was ready to put him in his place when I woke up.