This is going to be a vulnerable and candid reflection on relationships. Conflict is inevitable, what matters is how it’s handled, and not handling it or trying to wait it out isn’t going to improve the situation. This goes for any dynamic, platonic or otherwise. I think it’s important to hold the people you choose to keep in your inner circle to the same standards you hold for yourself (reasonable is implied here). What I mean by this is I can expect a lot from people in my life when we’ve developed a deep and rewarding relationship, but I would happily and freely offer anything I would ask for and more. These are dynamics built on trust and partnership to understand each other’s wants, needs, and boundaries.
I take great issue when someone holds others to a different standard than themselves. Someone who understands impact versus intent if it’s about their own feelings, but not for others, have a considerable gap in their ability to empathize. Expansive thinking is a skill in simultaneously understanding and considering someone else’s feelings while doing the same for yourself. It creates space for both individuals and is where repair work happens. To expect someone to see your side and consider your feelings without any willingness to extend the same should be a hint this isn’t a relationship you want to invest in. The decision to withhold effort or accountability has already been made. “I’m sorry you feel that way” style apologies are passive aggressive, gaslighting / weaponizing therapy speak is unacceptable. No one would accept that as an apology, so why waste the energy when everyone understands the dismissiveness and unwillingness to own part of the conflict? Feeling hurt because someone expressed they were hurt is a deflection. A lot of people seem to have this perception that if someone came to them about being hurt by something they did, that they are safe and would hear it out with a willingness to dialogue. It’s what they’d want on the other end of that interaction. There are still people who are unwilling to do this and refuse to do the work when confronted.
We can try to hold space for those we care about, but it’s impossible to keep a healthy relationship going if only one person is doing the lifting. Someone who chooses to remain angry, or feel wronged after an earnest apology is choosing to feel “in the right.” No matter how many repair attempts are made, if someone is choosing to assume the worst in you, or says they won’t even read your last message when you were acknowledging their feelings, is projecting. They are assuming you’ll meet them with the same aggression or animosity they’re showing you, and they can’t face validating it so they tell you they won’t read your last message (in case they are wrong). Someone who is doing this would never accept that kind of disrespect if they had gotten that message. You can’t hold space for someone when they assume the worst in you, especially when they refuse to acknowledge your efforts to fix things. Priorities matter, what’s more important? The continued wellbeing of both parties or rationalizing some anger you’re desperate to hold on to? I get that it’s easier to blame someone else for your anger than it is to feel uncomfortable and grow, but that also means you’re not a safe person, you don’t create safe spaces, and this will impact interactions throughout your life in some way until it is addressed. When there is no respect, there is no relationship.
This comes down to ego and the willingness to hold space and consideration for the emotions of others. Not everyone gets there, it takes self awareness, desire/motivation, and usually therapy. This is also an acknowledgment that the depth of our relationships are dependent on how deep we’ve reflected within ourselves. Someone could be giving you the best they are capable of right now. That can be appreciated and at the same time, I can decide the safest thing I can do for myself is not invest where there is limited EQ. I don’t need this kind of energy in my life, I don’t make space for it the way I used to. No hate, no baggage, only choosing to no longer accept it and I am happier for it.
I’ve gotten better at accepting when relationships run their course and when people enter and exit my life. In some ways I’ve adopted impermanence emotionally (so I guess some detachment) when for a long time it was only a concept. Losing people used to gut me, I would lose my shit. I still care about people who are no longer in my life but meant a lot to me, from a distance. I used to want to be friends with everyone, now I want to focus on dynamics where I feel aligned with someone who is able to hold space with me and develop a deep and secure relationship. I want to propagate strong and meaningful bonds. Honesty and respect are foundational pillars to any dynamic. This is going to dictate how I interact with others and what frequency we’ll see each other. I want to interact in the world through kindness and compassion.
I’m still working on myself, but I’m glad I’ve made it to this point. It doesn’t sit poorly with me, I don’t feel like I have anything to grieve, and I was able to give myself all the closure I would have ever needed because I’m good with how I handled it. There’s no hate from me, I hope only the best for them on their journey, but our path forks here.