It’s 3:40 in the morning, on Black Friday, and my mind is busy trying to solve puzzles and trying to solve questions that have no answers. I can’t believe how much stuff has happened recently. My brain is so used to not letting a problem, perceived problem, or something with an unsatisfactory answer go, and I’m so used to researching the fuck out of something until I get the answer I’m looking for, or at least have a better understanding of it. And I’ve finally come to understand not all things work that way, and some things will never have answers and we will all have to make peace with that. But I am still having trouble aligning my emotions with the logic I already possess. It’s like I kill a lot of brain cycles on unimportant things, and it’s not leaving bandwidth for legitimately important stuff. Can I call this mental malware? Or a bug? I’m glitchy. Like, I’ve been wanting a chassis upgrade forever, but now my CPU’s fucked up due to corrupt OS. And we know it’s bad when we’re about to shift from computer analogies into programming jokes.
I feel stuck on so many levels in so many ways, even though I’ve made progress in the last year on a few things. It’s like, I’ve been relegated to smaller incremental efforts… because life, and life throwing middle fingers. I need to try something new professionally, I’ll implement that next week. I needed to move because my current environments been bad for me, in the middle of doing something about it. Moving is awful. My apartments half packed, I have the walkthrough for the new place this weekend, scheduled movers, scheduled move out cleaners, scheduled carpet cleaners after, scheduled walkthrough to return keys. Called the electric company, water utility, garbage service and I guess they’ll deliver garbage and recycling bins in a couple weeks. Still can’t pin an ISP down because the property is so new it’s not in the system yet, and this is getting uncomfortably close to the move date. Switched insurance companies cause I found a better policy, scheduled the old policy to end next month, scheduled all the other services to drop off next month, set a reminder to return the router to the old ISP because even though I wanted to just go out and buy one, I was talked out of it. Not that it matters right this second.
Some friends asked me over Thanksgiving dinner when the housewarming party was, and I was all uhhhh….. I’m still packing, I’ll get back to you on that one. I mean, I’ve never thrown a proper one before and the ideas appealing but I can’t even think about it right now. I’m so mentally exhausted. I know we all run that way to an extent anyway, but we’re all accustomed to certain loads, and I’m overextending with the move, trying to keep up with therapy, work, follow up appointments, dealing with PD, and take care of myself without cutting corners. I let the packing go for the last couple days, partook in gluttony at a friends house, am laying here undecided on whether or not I’ll join the masses in spending a stupid amount of money on stuff tomorrow. I kind of want a new coat, it’s colder than I’m used to here… still. At least the PD thing is done, it was difficult hearing what they had to tell me, and it was very disheartening, but I tried my best. Look at me adulting AF over here. I’m not any more accomplished, or satisfied, or feel put together. I keep flip flopping. emotionally. on. everything. Right now it’s somewhere between numb and something Idk or understand, but makes me wish I was closer to apathy. I’m still exhausted, still feel like I’m always forgetting that one thing that’ll end me and render all the effort null, despite the rolling to do lists I keep. I don’t remember how to be content. Adding some time for gaming has been helping a little, bit those silent moments are fleeting. I’m just going to crawl back into the abyss and see where my dreams end up taking this.. which should be entertaining and probably fucking awful. Good night.