I dont know how you could listen to what I’ve said and read what’s been written here and think that severing ties is what I’d want in a million years. Of course it’s NOT what I want. But it feels like the “right” thing to do given the circumstances. What choice have you given me? I don’t want this, not at all.
So I mentioned when mom asked me why we weren’t dating and then got super blunt about it. We were driving recently and she asked about you again cause she wanted to know how I got into this situation, and then was all fine if you don’t wanna talk about it.. And I said no that’s not it, the circumstances aren’t good and it’s not like I wanted to flaunt it in your face. So I explained as high level as possible about how we met and things clicked, and I found out about Anna later, or wasn’t willing to confirm her existence until later. How you said you hadn’t meant for anything to happen, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t. How you felt obligated, how she was dependent financially and otherwise, and how she’s threatened suicide to keep you. And that’s when mom asked if she was Asian and I almost died laughing.
Yeah mom, she’s Chinese.
Oh. She’s bluffing. Selfish people like that won’t kill themselves.
I know…
And I said it was like you have this guilt ridden savior complex. She’s dependent on you, your mom is with the house, and my mom asked for clarification on your relationship with your mom, and I said “you know how the rest of dad’s family is? It’s like that.” And she said ohh. And she said you’re a good son, and I was all yeah, I know. Lol. I said you have this history and habit of caring for people who are dependent on you and who latch on to you and won’t let go, and mom was all this woman doesn’t really have any honor. So she was making me laugh at what I felt like was a tragedy. I told her I tried to figure it out but had no other option but to step away and she said I did the right thing. Trying to be a woman of honor and honesty. See how well that’s going? Sigh.
Mom asked about your Japanese side and I briefly mentioned your family heritage, she’d never heard of Malta before I don’t think? Idk. I mentioned how you had fond memories of your grandmother, the ginko trees, takoyaki. When we got home and I went upstairs to do my thing I heard her in the hall tell dad I’m a good kid. So I’m a good daughter, and you’re a good son.
I don’t know why I’m writing this out of my system and not making it private. My mother knows I love you, and she asks about you, and she sympathizes with me, and with you. And then she says you need to get yourself together cause you’re a man. Lol. Oh mom.
So no. I do not want to sever ties, but I don’t know how to make this work because you never made room for me in your life. Please think of this as a cause and effect. The other reasons you explained to me recently, I’ve never discussed with anyone. That’s your private business and I would never want to break your trust like that. But what I’ve wanted to say is this,
You were in control of your life and your actions before you met Anna, and you will remain that way after Anna.
Because I know, because I have faith in you. Because you can recognize and acknowledge something within yourself, and that amount of concern and sacrifice shows me you will be okay, regardless of who you are or aren’t with. This is why I’m not afraid, and this is why I believe in you. So don’t hold on to her because you feel like she’s a fail safe. She isn’t. You don’t need anyone to be, and if she played a part in making you believe that, she’s even more terrible than I already thought she was. And don’t let her win and hold on to you out of guilt, because suicide is an empty fucked up threat, and my mother is smart and she’s right. Stop sacrificing for lost empty causes. Stop denying yourself happiness. You are only punishing yourself.. not only. You’re taking me with you.
I want you to make room for me in your life so we don’t have to cut ties. We don’t have to do this. We do have better, happier, choices. It hurts typing this, I’m sure it’ll hurt reading this. But I still believe in you and I hope a little push and a little perspective can help you, and I really hope I’m not another selfish leech of a woman with no honor who is trying to use you and drag you down. I constantly worry about my own selfishness, I’m writing this hoping you’ll wake up and be in my life. I want to be the opposite of what you’ve endured. This is your pattern. You have to break it. I don’t want to say goodbye. Stop making me.
Make room for me. I love you. Duh.