It’s been a long time since I’ve looked at this and so so so so so much has happened in this amount of time. I want to reflect on where things are compared to where they were at the last time I logged in. Setting a boundary to be parallel polyam saved our relationship and gave us the breathing room, time, and distance we needed to focus on our lanes and priorities. I was so upset with my meta right before putting this boundary in place and it fueled unnecessary arguments. The boundary stopped the bleeding and gave us all time to grow as individuals. Adrian and I have co-created this beautiful union together and every time I’ve asked myself what matters most to me, it’s this. We both understood this partnership is wonderful and we don’t have arguments often, but whenever they happened it felt like it was eroding our relationship. We started working with an EFT therapist in the summer and had no idea what to expect, but were able to see the benefits start coming through pretty quickly. Our communication was already pretty good, but it’s improved immensely when we’ve misunderstood each other and that has helped us avoid escalations where things could go sideways. EFT has 3 stages and we’re in stage 3, it feels like this has already been successful but I don’t want to risk dropping off before we’re truly ready. We’re starting to taper down frequency though and I think we’re in a good spot for it. It feels like we’ve strengthened our relationship with gold. I also acknowledge regarding the polycule in general, everyone is working on their own growth which is great but we might remain parallel indefinitely and that’s valid and okay. This process has helped me let go of the anger and a lot of the hurt I had been holding on to.
We’re celebrating our 4 year anniversary next week, it’s absolutely wild how quickly this came up. We’re going to keep it low key this year and just enjoy each other’s company. Mi madre made an observation while discussing the anniversary about how whenever she sees us coming or going, Adrian helps me with my bag and I should never tell him “no, I’ve got it” or that I don’t need any help. I told her I wouldn’t do that. I noted how he still gives me his hand when I get up from a table, opens doors for me, and does all of these loving and caring acts that I appreciate. I mentioned it to him and he said he was glad that his small gestures of affection are appreciated. I really do every. single. time.
We’ve talked about how we’re glad we met when we did. I’m grateful I got a lot of fuck ups out of the way first. We found out shortly after we started dating that we attended the same fetish ball in 2011. It’s wild how we could have met then but the timing would have been bad. I never lingered in a “I wish we met sooner and could have had even more time together” headspace. We lined up at the right time and I am grateful we have a future to look forward to together. I told him recently that this is the relationship I dreamed of while I remained uncommitted for almost a decade, to be able to love fiercely and passionately and without limiting myself. It’s the first time I’ve been able to invest and go all in on a partnership like this. My best friend from Vegas and her partner came to visit this last weekend and we all grabbed dinner downtown. Adrian mentioned over dinner that we’d like to do some kind of handfasting ceremony when I said I hadn’t thought of mom wondering why we’re not getting married now that we’ve been dating for this long until Adrian made a comment speculating about it a while back. I have always made statements about how we’re not traditional people but I don’t think she’d be for a handfasting because it would probably be too pagan for her. Part of me high key wants to do some kind of celebration for us but another part isn’t sure what that would look like or when so I haven’t thought about it.
Something else that came up over the last week was how I used to wish things with Josh worked out, but if it had it’s likely Adrian and I may have never met or had a chance to develop this dynamic, and I would not trade this for anything. I feel so loved and well cared for, my heart is full, desires met, I am perfectly content. I glow because he enables me (and provides the safety I need in a relationship) to be the kind of partner I’ve always wanted to be. I’m fine with how everything turned out, and he noted how significant that was because he knows I loved Josh very much. This is true and there are parts of me that are still really sad about how badly I handled things, there are a few things I wish I managed better, wish I ended things nicer, wish I had been kinder, but at the time I felt like I would always return to that bridge if I didn’t burn it down. That’s not an excuse for doing things shittily, I burned it down to put myself before him and was selfish. Part of me resented him for doing to me what his partner did to him, and I don’t know if he ever grokked that, or maybe he did and felt he was doing me a favor by upsetting me. The whole thing was toxic. I’m acknowledging the way we loved each other wasn’t healthy, and being in a loving and secure relationship has helped me reflect back on this with a more pragmatic lens. Due to circumstances we weren’t good for each other and I assumed if things were different we would have built a beautiful relationship, but there’s no way to know and it hasn’t been relevant for a long time. I’ve let go of the damage I took from that time, I hope he has too.