Why am I up at 2:46am? This is the second time in two weeks I’ve gotten sick and vomited then had to clean up and take a hot shower to relax all the muscles that tensed up and freaked out in the process. Last… Wednesday(?) I was suspecting food poisoning from sashimi but wasn’t sure if maybe the coconut aminos or wasabi might have set me off. Today it seems to be brisket, which I previously thought was safe. Treating GI issues through this long process and limiting known sensitivities means small cross contamination’s or cheats completely wreck me. I guess you have to get worse before you get better?
I feel like distracting myself by going over recently enjoyed media until my mind and body feel capable of resting and falling asleep. I’ve been binging a lot of scifi in movies, shows, and books. The most recent book being The Hail Mary, I loved it and I love that the bf recently ran through it so we could nerd out about it together. Every time I find a new scifi that I get absorbed in, it becomes the current favorite, but I’m sure top favorite is still The Last Emperox series. I have the Bobiverse series queued next per recommendation from a friend (and it coincidentally happens to be narrated by the same guy that did Hail Mary), and bf is already on book four so I guess it’s on par for good scifi. After Hail Mary I ended up on a bit of an accidental scifi break and ended up on The Stand-In by Lily Chu. It just started auto playing next and at first I wasn’t sure if I was going to stick with it but it was so relatable in some weird ways at the beginning.
The character is Chinese-Canadian, working in corporate, and dealing with harassment from a boss. That’s about where the similarities end… there are some relatable bits about being a biracial person in a western culture but personality wise the main character’s personality seems more passive than mine. I guess she’s slowly getting out of that and learning to self advocate in all aspects of her life, but I also remember how beaten down I felt a few years ago when I was going through corporate hell. She ends up in an absurd situation and some parts are predictable and eyeroll-y but the execution and detail are kind of endearing and fun. It’s been some fun escapism, I guess this was what it was like for tweens and teenagers relating to suuuper generic Bella from Twilight when it first came out. It wasn’t really my bag. I relate to an Asian character who is trying to care for her mom while also trying to survive corporate bureaucracy and other bs.
So earlier this evening before I got sick with an upset stomach, I found out Halsey created a companion movie for If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power and that it was streaming on Moment House for only 48 hours starting 9/29. I just got it, watched it, loved it, sang along with parts of it, and am obsessed. My favorite movie is The Fountain, my next favorite movie is this one, and I am so mad I didn’t know about it when it was in IMAX for one day in August. I don’t feel like it had enough reach in advertising because I was obsessing about the album around that time, is saw a live interview with Halsey and Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. I feel like if anyone really wanted to understand me, they could watch these two films. I really really hope it gets another run in theaters, and that it’ll become available for digital purchase, and that Halsey tours in 2022 or 2023. If any of this happens, it’ll be a neeeed to attend these things.
I’m trying not to worry too much about some insecurities going on internally right now. I can’t do anything about them at this moment and I still don’t know how to approach these topics. But something hit my chest earlier while listening and spacing out, no one really believed in me, or at least verbalized it as much as Josh. I guess he saw more facets of me than anyone else, with the exception of mi madre. He knew me professionally, as a friend, a lover, and someone who desperately wanted to form a partnership with him. And now we’re strangers, I think we both feared that at one point. So much has changed, and there’s a lot of experience and perspective between 2016 and now. I’m not who I used to be, and I know the same is true for him just as it is for everyone. Im still trying to work on regrets, they’re not related to the moments we chose each other, they’re related to the moments we didn’t. It’s also weird acknowledging if things had gone different and we had our run, I wouldn’t have Adrian and that is a heartbreaking idea all on its own. I think we have multiple loves of our lives, why should we deny ourselves or others the love and opportunity to experience these bonds?
I’ve been weirdly back and forth about the concept of a nesting partner again. I know there are some milestones he and I won’t cross off together, but that’s okay. We don’t expect any one person to fulfill all the roles or all our needs. I just have this insecurity about what if my health declines, what’s the threshold before he looks at me differently? Is it not fair to him to think that way? There was a recent discussion about caregiving for previous partners and I don’t think he realized the words I held back, or how it impacted me. I need to have this conversation, but it’s bad timing. This time of year isn’t easy on him, I’m trying to wait.
It’s 3:19am, here I was recapping the things I’ve been enjoying lately and my brain had to circle back to current stress. Someday it’ll be reprogrammed enough away from survival mode and into an optimal one.