I feel like a hot mess late at night with my thoughts.
I still have a hard time listening to Utada Hikaru’s music despite loving her so much. I’ve tried to circle back to her a few times and felt some emotional sting despite wanting to keep current with releases. I’ve been listening this evening and it’s a tough mix of nostalgia, sadness, happiness, wanting to reach out and share whenever things are brand new, wanting connection. But it’s mostly the nostalgia.
I think about this space periodically but haven’t figured out why I’ve been so negligent or avoidant to update. I go back and forth between not knowing what to write out because nothing seems notable and then ADHD brain feels like everything needs to be recorded. So where to start?
Birthday was amazing despite boyfriend’s original plan not being feasible. It’s hard dealing with a pandemic and everything booking up fast under normal circumstances in the region. He got us a really nice suite downtown with a view and a gigantic tub. Since we were going to be downtown I decided to sneak in my own surprise and booked the lounge at the Space Needle. This was always a thing with a little baggage tied to it. I always thought the Space Needle was a little touristy thing I’d do with Josh, then I decided fuck it, I’d go on my own and it would be fine, try to go forward, and then remodel, then pandemic. Finally made it in all my super pink glory. Pink dress, pink hair, shiny tiara and choker, fur, extra extra. The courses and drinks were indulgent and in excess, the liquid nitrogen and smoke were fun. But thank goodness we were vaccinated, despite establishments following all the proper protocols, I still get a little anxiety being out in public within proximity to others. After this lounge we went to the hotel and checked in, got our things to the room, and headed to the rooftop lounge for the reservation bf made, and two of my bff’s in our little quaran-pod showed up. We ate and I sipped on a non alcoholic beverage but was starting to feel wiped out so I went back up, the rest of the party following behind when they were finished on the roof. We got to hang out for a bit until they took off and bf and I have a lovely evening celebrating. The next day was naps, cuddles, and recovery. It was everything I could have ever asked for, it was perfect.
Mom has commented here and there on how well he and I get along and interact. She said I’ve transformed, that I’m calmer, and it’s apparent he brings me comfort. I explained the whole standard regarding my bar on quality of life, that I’d rather be alone than be in a relationship that lowers my quality of life and my happiness. That if someone came into my life that bar should be left where it’s been at minimum, and elevated at best. He surpasses even that, and has brought so much joy and love into my life. We’re a year and a half into this and I’m grateful. I just watched the most recent episode of Handmaids Tale and all I could think was I’m so happy and so lucky to have someone love me the way Luke loves June.
I’m also grateful my meta and I were recently able to reconcile. We took a significant amount of time in a cool off period, she’s been doing a lot of internal work and we were able to have a dialogue over events that occurred last year and they were laid to rest. We were in unison on wanting an amicable relationship in the least, but ideally, being able to reconcile our friendship. This was a huge relief, I know this was stressing all parties involved, and especially our hinge partner. I explained feeling enabled to rejoin interactions both online and in person.
After four and a half years I changed jobs. It’s a scary leap even when I do know where I’m landing. My last team was fantastic but I had too much baggage following me from previous years and the environment was notoriously difficult to move up in (I know it’s an industry wide problem). But after trying to find the right match for a long time I was able to get a promotion and a raise outside. This new team is wonderful, sharp, helpful, the new boss reminds me of an old boss I had almost a decade ago who was cool af. I feel like I’m winning, but I’m still stressed out. I’ve been trying to remind myself that I’ve started every new role not knowing what I’m doing, and over time I’ve picked it up so this isn’t any different, and don’t panic. This isn’t the same, what I feel is not a panic like I’ve experienced previously, it’s understanding the line of business is so much more ambiguous, that we were hired for what we’ve been able to do previously, not for the work in front of us, and it’ll become familiar. My only concern is how hard it is to show what I’ve knocked out so far with getting ramped up, I don’t want anyone to regret hiring me. I need to pull my weight / earn my keep and I’ve never had the greatest patience with myself with new things. The ADHD brain hasn’t been helping lately, I’m finally getting paid to do the things I want to, so do the retention thing brain. Kthx
Health stuff has been weird, I feel like in some ways it’s going forward and in others it’s gone backwards. I need to call the docs office for a follow up since I think some things were missed by previous specialists, we’ll see if anything comes of that.
I’d been better about going to sleep at a reasonable time the last few weeks… yet here we are at 2:26am. Most updates are done near the witching hour, why should this be any different?
Tl;dr, life is going really really well and I’m a master at creating my own grief (but I’m trying to get better about enjoying the good without expecting things to go sideways).