Had a really weird sex dream with my friend Sidney this morning, they’ve always been very nice and involved in kink but we’ve never been interested in each other, and their now husband said some shitty things to me years ago and probably had no recollection and it probably never even registered the damage he did to my body image at the time.
It’s really awkward, in recent years he’s been appearing body positive and inclusive, especially with a mutual friend who lost over 100lbs and is still working on getting to her goal. I don’t think he realized when I made an inquiry he could have stopped at I wasn’t his type, instead of elaborating extensively on how Kate Moss and that waifish, 90’s heroin chic being his preferred type. This was right before I ended things with Jay and resolved said body image issues from him, I was not well equipped to deal with that unexpected word vomit.
And he basically said he found me more attractive at 16 than 24. Before I was raped, before the chronic pain and autoimmune shit damaged my body. When I was adolescent and tiny. Any one of those things can be the destroyer all on its own. It took many years and phases to come back from that, but holy shit. I made a drunk inquiry, citing some residual curiosity, at a fetish ball after he made suggestive comments about my ankle tattoos. He could have just said he wasn’t interested and left it at that. Don’t tell me I was hotter at 16. I didn’t ask why.