Monthly Archives: January 2021

I can’t remember a time when things were ever easy, but some weeks stand out as incredibly difficult, I’m in one of them. Due to necessity, taking advantage of momentum since last Friday to complete things, hitting a wall by Monday but needing to continue. I can’t rest until tomorrow evening and everything I’ve been pushing for has been leading up to tomorrow. No matter what I’ll be okay, but I hope I succeeed. No matter what, this weekend I’ll rest and recover… the pain managements starting to fail, I need the time.

Compassion is something that’s been reoccurring heavily in my mind since the last quarter of 2020. This morning I had an interesting conversation with an old friend about past trauma, abuse, and personal growth. There is no silver lining or positive spin. What happened happened. I’m so happy we kept going and made it this far, and are still going. The focus has been on practicing kindness and having more compassion for others. It’s been hard to recognize a need for self compassion some days, and then to find balance in the two.

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”

Pema Chödrön – The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times.

by Maya Stein

“You have to make an alliance with your anguish,” he said,
“not wage war against it.” And I thought of all the fists
I had shaken at misfortune: games lost
because the shot clock ran out,
a good meal scorched in a forgotten oven,
money dropped on a dress worn only once,
the bully in 6th grade, the math test in 9th,
the wrong outfit at Halloween.
But of course, this isn’t what he meant.

If I were brave enough, I’d tell you how my heart
has raged for love, stretched thin as a high wire.
If I were brave enough, I’d tell you
how my body has been fighting to stay upright
on every precipitous downhill the city
throws at it. If I were brave enough,
I’d climb into your lap and weep with longing.
All I can say is that any attempt at beauty and hope
is land-mined with failure.
And so the perilous track-making begins.
Wending our way through,
there are possible clutches at sunlight, at windows, at yes.
We are each of us inches from death.
We are each of us inches from life.
We are each of us inches from one another.

I think a lot of us are hesitant to make any declarations about this year. I saw some posts on social media describing while they understand a new year doesn’t automatically solve these huge problems in the world, this demarcation brought them some relief, like an exhale, like some finality to a shitty year and a belief in the light at the end of the tunnel with vaccines coming out.

I’ve been struggling so bad with existential dread regarding climate collapse, this mass extinction event happening in real time right before us, political extremes, rising polarization and fascism, there’s so much. This is something I wrote about earlier with the Fermi paradox and great filter and other stuff. I mean, Russian number stations creep me out. It’s the unknown, it’s creepy. I’m still trying to make peace with my death, with the fear of not knowing for sure that when you die you’re done.

The therapist recommended some books and other content for me to try and get exposure of what other people have thought of, and to see if maybe I could get a little more relaxed with the topic in general even if I don’t take any of this content to heart. It’s spiritual but doesn’t lean heavily into any particular theology. It’s interesting and I don’t mind reading into it, it’s much kinder and more forgiving than the western flavors of religion. These concerns weighed very heavy on me while intoxicated with Adrian on NYE. It wasn’t so much my own eternity that broke me, it’s understanding each year won’t get better. These divisions between people are distractions from real problems that will end us all, and Adrian reminds me the world will be just fine without humans, which does and doesn’t comfort me at the same time, it’s weird. It is the collective human suffering we will continue to witness. It will accelerate and get worse, and I can only observe. He asked me why I felt responsible for any of this when I cried that I’m smart enough to see what’s coming but not smart enough to solve it. I don’t feel personally responsible for this system, I grok when he explains creation requires destruction, but I struggle reconciling with destruction so much.

Neither of us want kids and we each have a multitude of reasons, mine mostly being health related but I’m so distraught with this world sometimes, how can I subject someone else into this who didn’t ask to be here? And I know that sounds fatalist as shit and I don’t mean for it come across that way. I’ve fought very hard to live, to survive, and to progress in ways I want. My life is very worth living even with the obstacles and issues in it, but this is only going to get harder. I told him I’m worried I’m too weak to witness this, I’m worried I’m not strong enough to endure and survive this world as it changes and gets worse. The logical conclusion is do your best, you don’t have to do anything else, just do what you can.

That’s the other weird (but appreciated) thing. I mentioned even though the worlds going to shit I’ve simultaneously done better over the years, especially this last year in managing my health and overall quality of life. I joked it’s like I figured all this shit out just in time for the world to end. At least I won’t be facing all these things by myself, we do this together.

As we got closer to midnight we reflected on past relationships, people we’ve loved, people we still love, situations where we wish we did better, ended better, all that. He still reflects on and worries about exes he’s hurt, and he tries to honor that by learning from those mistakes so he doesn’t repeat them, and living life as best as he can. It’s the same on my side. I’m so grateful that four relationships that ended, from individuals who mean so much to me, eventually met back up with me later in life after we’d both had time to grow and reflect on what had happened. Andrew, Ram, Kelli, Brandon, you all mean so much to me. It took years, but I’m glad we found each other and are friends again. I’ve been keeping my distance but I can see the work my meta is putting in for her own mental health and self care. I hope we’ll be able to reconcile a friendship too, if she wants.

Adrian had brought up a while back trying to find and then reach out to Josh just to send a little message that he meaned a lot to me and that I was doing alright in life. Part of me assumed that might be a welcome status update, part of me worried it might be overshadowed by negative feelings and memories. I stated this. When talking over NYE I said I assumed if Josh ever came to Seattle, regardless of his situation, he likely wouldn’t contact me. No matter what, I hope he chooses happiness, it still makes me sad I can’t be a part of it or witness it.

Josh, I don’t know if you ever see this site anymore. I’ve never once regretted loving you, one of my biggest regrets in my life was how the only way I saw to stop the cycle was to end things chaotically. It was cruel, and I didn’t have the strength to reconcile how things had progressed. I wish you could be in my life in some capacity, I wish I could introduce you to Adrian. I wish after a few years, and with some growth and wisdom and desire we could reconcile. I believe that you still care for me in some capacity, and if you carry anything it’s your own regret mixed with the pain I’ve caused you. Of all the people I’ve had to part ways with, and I’ve hoped for a better reunion with all of them, my heart’s desire has never been so strong for anyone else as it has been for you. I could only dream that we’d be in the same space, and that you would make it known.