Monthly Archives: April 2020

Different circumstances

I haven’t been able to touch Adrian in over a month. I haven’t seen anyone in over a month. I’ve been isolated intermittently since the beginning of the year due to multiple illnesses but really haven’t come out since February except to see him a couple times, and not at all in March except for an unavoidable store run. Other than being out once in March, I haven’t left home, haven’t seen anyone except for virtually. I’ve appreciated the non contact drop offs from delivery options, and loved the presents my friends dropped off at my front door for my birthday recently. It meant so much even though we couldn’t get together in person. I finally hugged mom after keeping distance for a few weeks to play it safe. I miss everyone. I miss all my friends, I miss hugs. I miss touch. I am so touch deprived and I aches. Most of all I miss Adrian. We game together online, watch shows together, and video chat which mean so much to me. I still miss him so bad it aches.

I see Adrian in my dreams more than I do in real life.

The circumstances are different this time. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

Madre

I’m so glad you’re here. I’m glad I get to hug you today after being careful the last few weeks. We’re both high risk but I worry so much about your exposure to the outside world right now. Its not just communicable disease, it’s also the nastiness, ignorance, and bigotry of the people. Bad enough they’re throwing parties and are protesting policies meant to keep them safe, they’re trying to blame certain demographics for a pathogen. They’re too stupid to understand something out of their control, or out of the control of others.

Being a realist, being more of a cynic and a nihilist has been rough lately. I am still me, but some parts have felt shut off for a while, like it’s in power save mode or some things are dormant right now for their preservation. I hope things get better, I hope we have a better world, we need a better world. I want a better world for you and me. I love you.

Scottsdale

10:30am: Lots of random dreams all over the place that make no sense but there was a nice one where I came over and snuggled up on Adrian on the couch, the place was unrecognizable. Other little dreams included Sarah’s cat Mogwai being gigantic like the size of a cougar, and there was some other one where we went out for food and I saw my friend Olivia and her husband sit down at a table, you and I went outside and was looking at where we wanted to sit and then you went to go find something and I was wandering around the property and went down these steps and stared at a pool, was gonna go around this turn and my heel caught on a space between the tile on the floor and fell into the pool, got out and was like whatever it’ll dry off fast and realized I was in a white dress with a floral pattern and wasn’t sure if the dress was transparent or how bad it was.

It looked like a resort in Scottsdale, and that dress kind of looked like one I wanted at Windsor when I was 16 and wish I bought >_>

1:39pm: Woke up from more dreams.

You got sick, it was still in Scottsdale. I kept trying to get to you and it was a mess.

Was also sitting at a table and Sage comes over with two friends, I think one is a new love interest but not sure, the other kind of looks like Mercy and sits next to me. Mark is across from me. The chick next to me and I chat for a bit as people come and go and offers information if I only want to hear it and I said sure, and she tells me I have cancer. I ask her what kind and she says she was trying to be kind with a heads up, make peace with it, and then pay kindness forward.

I had so many issues because I was staying with my parents in the house I grew up in and didn’t want to take either of their cars and potentially introduce the virus in them. Tried to figure out getting a rental after deciding ride share was too risky. My room was like my room except some of the furniture just kept going to almost the ceiling like bed posts, bookshelves, glass cases, it was off. I got dragged along / tricked and ended up at a church and was leaving and trying to find my car, these three dudes come out of the church to harass me so I take my phone out and start taking photos of them with their dicks out and a first they think it’s funny, then get nervous cause I start walking back towards the church and stole my purse so I don’t have my keys or wallet. Go back to the church and talk to the lady at the door, see people starting to come out and some older gentleman walking around the corner with what looks like it might be my bag and start running to try and catch up to him, it’s crowded due to a wedding.

I end up in the back where it’s all staff coordinating and rush around inspecting like I have a purpose (also thinking thank fuck I usually wear all black so I look like I’m part of whatever’s happening here) go back out to the lobby in the venue and am at a loss. End up in a room on this property all I guess I’ll stay at for the night, and the next morning look out the window to see a bunch of people running around in pastels like it’s Easter. There are these two gigantic bunnies being lead elsewhere, like capybara sized bunnies, and I’m legit naked staring out my window giving no fucks. Close the blinds and a little later something seems off so I look out the window again and see a huge accident in the freeway where someone crashed through the median and hit another car. And then I ended up in Scottsdale (and clothed) and yeah, these dreams have just been messy.

Windy City

I stayed up late finishing The Good Place, watched the newest Station 19, and got part of the way through GA and had to pause and crash out. I guess I’ve been after a lighter kind of escapism. Usually I consume a lot of dystopian or apocalyptic media (finished Altered Carbon and Lost In Space) and still love those genres but The Good Place left me all warm and fuzzy and I’ll probably look for more media that has that kind of tone and comedy.

I had a really messy dream this morning but don’t remember much other than towards the end I was walking down the street with my first bf and it was windy af so I put my arm around his waist and he he wrapped an arm around my shoulder so we could keep each other warm while waiting to cross the street. I noticed our reflection in a window and saw I was in a dress with a pretty full skirt. He was in a thick trench coat, and when the light changed and we could have crossed the intersection he turned us around and we continued down the street instead of crossing over. It was weird.

Before that was weird too, I was in some little room at some small business, I wasn’t sure if it was a laundromat or something else but I had some vending machine open and was pulling cash from it. Some of the bills didn’t make sense, there were a lot of ones and fives, but a couple $50 bills were in there with some $20’s. Somewhere when I was part of the way through I realized this was the wrong machine or something and realized I was stealing, freaked out inside, and promptly left. I ended up at some large venue for what looked like a concert but it seemed like rehearsal and no one was singing. I walked down near the stage and wandered off the side where I found my iPads and their cables and grabbed them to take off. Which eventually lead to walking with the first bf.

I haven’t seen or spoken to him in many many years. He just popped up on Marco Polo the other day so maybe that’s why my brain decided to play with this. It was odd. No animosity or hard feelings, and there was a sense of caring in the dream but no intimacy or romantic context.

Anxiety

I don’t remember a lot since I let the day go by before typing this out, but o had a dream I lost my job and moved “back home” to Vegas. Some things were like the last three and a half years never happened. My parents hadn’t divorced and were still there, my room was the same. It was incredibly defeating.

That space saved my life and gave me the time I needed to recover and rebuild, it was an unexpected space I was able to fall back on when I got super sick. I don’t have fallbacks any more, there are no contingencies and while I’m finally out of the red, I don’t have a cushion that’ll last months to a year. I guess this was my brain’s way of rubbing it in. My anxiety has been high through what’s going on in the world right now. Idk what’s going to happen, but I don’t regret the choices I’ve made that got me to this point. I belong in the PNW, I belong here with my people I love.