I’m not doing well. I’ve been sick most of this year off and on with UTI’s and a nasty cold / upper respiratory thing followed by the worst flu ever. Despite getting the flu vaccine last year and taking Tamiflu within the first 24 hours of become symptomatic, this is the hardest mix of viral torture and fibro pain I’ve experienced in a decade. The fatigue and general feeling of heaviness has been insane. I slept most of the first 48 hours. I live in the epicenter of the COVID-19 outbreak in my country and I’ve been in the same building as a confirmed case on the same day that patient was there. I’m under quarantine for two weeks and it’s emotionally taxing on top of how emotionally taxing it’s been to be so sick and on prescription antibiotics, antivirals, fever reducers, and a bunch or other things for weeks on end.
Everything is compounding and I hurt bad. Of course depression would be kicking in hard, I’m past my threshold and out of bandwidth. Everything bled together and I cried and turned nothing into something with my boyfriend. I feel so touch deprived when I want comforts more than anything right now. I don’t get to touch him for weeks. I don’t get to hug anyone, I have to keep a physical distance from my own mother right now. I’m lonely. All I feel like doing is crying right now but it’ll make everything hurt more. It’s raining outside and that just triggers the fibro even more. It was sunny last week. Wtf. What is this combo breaker? I am an irrational mess. I need affirmations. I’m so fragile right now. I hate this. I hate being like this. I want to be told I’m still lovable despite all this baggage. I want to believe there will still be someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me I’m loved and was missed during this time. It follows past trends, it’s logical. So why am I buying into the lies my brains telling me right now? Why am I letting myself drown. I’m too tired to tread water. I need sleep. I basically need to try turning it off and back on again with my brain.