I miss him so much, it’s physically painful. Today I learned some new folds: the fanciest embellished heart, a heart corner bookmark, and a hexagonal letterfold. I wrote inside the hexagon and the love knot.
I love you.
I miss you.
I guess I only write in origami if I really mean it, and when you really do mean the world to me. I’ve appreciated every fold I’ve ever made and every word I’ve ever written in my past life and in the present.
KMFDM has been canceled after their rape apologist bs, but that song and title were so good, ugh.
I had this random sex dream with someone my brain assigned (no one I know irl). A lot of details are missing on why I was there but I was in some strange wide open office. It didn’t even have all the proper stuff? It looked like some makeshift / ad hoc space that was procured and then a conference table and projector were set up (some AV conference / war room kind of thing) and closer to the door some gigantic whiteboard on wheels instead of mounted to a wall. It was like one big rectangular room and a glass door and wall at the entrance like your find in an office suite or mixed commercial space or something. I was part of whatever was going on there but can’t remember what everyone’s purpose was there, or my own.
This one dude addressed me for something about but it was more for the sake of commentary than expecting information or a statement from me. I guess he was trying to make conversation, but then I remember cuddling with him in a cool (referencing colors and natural light through curtains) bedroom and some small talk (I again don’t remember). He paused after saying something and it was like it clicked in both our minds and we started making out. Like the light switch went off in my head and I was thinking yes, we’re definitely doing this. Things escalated until he was up on his knees in bed and I twisted to go down on him and he came very quickly, and apologized, and I said not to apologize and that’s kind of what we’re going for, and I woke up.
Idk why people apologize when that happens. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Some other thing I noticed was all the light and was natural and coming through a tinted or otherwise covered window. It made it seem like it was always late afternoon so that was interesting. Idk.
“I wish you loved me enough to live.”
It took until the middle of a world pandemic to witness media that encompasses how I felt before I walked away.
I had a fun dream I came to visit you since you’d been isolating for a while too and you were sitting on a couch stroking yourself so I was going to go down and give you head but you stopped me and I couldn’t remember why but we ended up venturing out to find food and some large crowd came by and freaked me out so you pulled me into a building and I think it’s where we happened to be going for food anyway so it worked out. *exhales*
Had a dream I relocated mom and I back to Phoenix to get away from dad. It was very abrupt and we needed up in some iffy second floor apartment in Mesa. I was checking to see where things were since mom handled coordinating how the items were moved and distinctly remember asking where the winter tires were, panicking for a second they were left behind in the garage. She was having trouble with the air inside the apartment being stagnant and the apartment not being cold enough despite having central AC.
I walked around to the balcony window and looked down at this large enclosed common area with patio furniture and plants. It looked a lot like the old Embassy Suites by Sky Harbor (I think it’s a Holiday Inn now). I walked out to the basic kitchen and then down a hall from the living room into an even bigger room that was more like a dining hall that was furnished like an expensive hotel lobby. Our place was partially furnished and it was a weird and off mix where they tried to make everything look nice and quality but the infrastructure of the building was old and not kept up well. Looking up at the ceiling made me wonder wtf the square footage was because this hall was larger than the last 3 rooms of the apartment I’d just been in, and I wasn’t sure if this was just our space or if it was just a weirdly connected common space no one else used.
I was immediately looking at housing rentals because I was worried about mom’s health and breathing and all that, especially since were not even in summer yet. I saw a listing for a house in McCormick Ranch (but my brain placed it south around San Tan Valley and Queen Creek. I wanted to call and view the property and was willing to do whatever it took to break the lease, wondering what I could negotiate if we were there for a couple days, like prorating them? I wasn’t even sure what the lease terms were. I wondered if that was a drive I was willing to tolerate daily since I remembered Queen Creek in 2006 being unbearable.
I stressed about updating social media that I moved to Phoenix and left Seattle behind, I didn’t want to do the update and solidify it. I wondered when I could fly up and visit and how often and for how long. I worried about leaving mom alone for too long and then contemplated a pet, remembered she’s not into pets, and wondered since we did this huge move and I was now looking at houses if I could just get one once we settled in and she’d come around. I thought about friends in Vegas and the Bay Area, Idk why accessing these places seemed harder now because of the relocation when it shouldn’t make a difference (now I’m realizing irl I was very stationary in Phoenix due to health and money compared to after moving out of AZ).
I was flipping through a lot of art, lots of it unfinished, lots of origami paper unorganized and sloppily bundled together, and this notebook sized kind of half scrapbook half scribbled and doodled in journal I was trying to decide on. Where are the pieces to the last two pages so I can finish this? Can I let this go and send it to the person I intended to ship it to a long time ago? Would they even receive it? I put everything down to step away and woke up.
Very excited for new Birthday Massacre. It’s the most excitement I’ve felt in this very trauma responsive physical shutdown I’ve been experiencing.
+ health
– emotional well-being
I woke up and then fell back asleep and dreamed about a lamp that we going to explode. It was one of those standing lamps in the corner and turned on the switch from the door, it started buzzing and I went to check on it and the smaller lamp nearby that wasn’t on for some reason, the bigger one got louder and then started to smoke and I ran over to turn off the switch but the panel was different and I turned everything off and it didn’t change anything so I ran back and was trying to unplug it from the outlet and had to trace the cable because there were multiple outlets in a row built into the wall and unplugged what should have been the lamp but it was still on and I was like jfc and unplugged the next cable that seemed right and then rolled across the bed (it was super low, I think it was just a mattress and box spring on the floor) and crawled on the floor towards the door expecting it to explode and catch on fire and ignite everything in there.
And right before that I was in the bathroom removing a towel from my head and hanging it up and my hair was curled beautifully, how tf did we go from here to danger lamps and fiery death?
Weird dream about a future daughter being named Lynnette Evie in a presentation, like a screenshot of an email with the name was up on this huge screen and a bunch of people were dialed in remotely. I’m not sure if I was having her or if she was human or had a physical form (this might have been AI and digital).
It’s 4:39am. ._.
I am touch starved right now
isolated
Lonely
fighting hibernation mode, fatigue, brain shut off, Insomnia (not really fighting this one anymore, it’s currently 2:54am).
I can’t believe how bad the world is doing right now, and how fast we got here. But what really gets me is how part of the population understands the gravity of it and what they need to do to slow things down, while another group is congregating with other assholes in packed beaches for spring break.
No one knows what’s going to happen. I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am not okay. I want my boyfriend.
It’s 12:03am and I am struggling to keep up routines and find other ways to do things I should be doing. It’s been some mixed bag of wins and failures.
I will need to go out soon to grab prescriptions that have refilled. There are also some food items I thought we had, but we don’t. I’ve been social distancing for almost a month now from being sick. The data and math on this pandemic is scary. I’ve been isolating at home since the beginning of the month with two exceptions, groceries, and to isolate with Adrian at his place. He was the only exception I’ve made to see in person during this time, but I had to revoke that too. I cried pretty hard the last night I saw him.
It means I won’t see anyone for a an indefinite timeframe. I thought I’d be able to go visit a friend in their residence as long as they were symptom and fever free for 72+ hours without medications. It’s not good enough. Adrian is thankfully very healthy, but he falls under that demographic who carries the virus, never develops symptoms, and still sheds viruses and passes it along to people who do get sick. It’s too risky. And I’ve never been afraid of being alone. I grew up lonely, and then I chose to be alone over dealing with bs in parts of my 20’s. That’s not fear, I just lean on the extroverted side of an ambivert configuration. I get energy around people I like, and I get drained fast when I don’t see people for days. I wish I was more resilient here.
One thing I’ve really appreciated is the video calling. It’s not the same as being in person with someone. I can’t touch Adrian, but having this option still gives a feeling of connectedness. He’s mentioned reading sessions. I’ve never had anyone just read to me, and am looking forward to it (bff’s agree, this is romantic af!). And I’m glad the things he’s given me have integrated into my morning and evening routines. Some of my favorite teas I have when I get out of bed are from him. He made sure I had my favorite edibles at home, the Lunar New Years gift he gave me had a rose body wash in it that I’ve been using for the last week, and the weighted blanket he gave me is over me right now. Everything’s so thoughtful, I am spoiled af. So while the world is scary and uncertain outside my home, inside I’m reminded of how much I’m cared for, and am trying to focus on the good things. Trying to remain safe, and trying to improve on the routines I’m starting to settle into.
Been crying my eyes out about not being able to carefully come out and see healthy friends on a 1 to 1 basis in their homes, and staying inside indefinitely. I thought the official self quarantine would last until tomorrow but that’s not happening because there is no careful way to come out. I’m not handling this well emotionally at all.
After a couple wake ups I managed a little more sleep for once. Had the most bizarre dream I was in Phoenix for an extended trip to deal with something and someone was trying to convince me to look at companies down there, and I said I’d always been gunning for Microsoft or Apple and Seattles closer to Silicon Valley without having to actually be in Silicon Valley.
Nothing actually looked like Phoenix. I didn’t realize this in the dream but now that I’m half awake it was all off.
I ended up at Jay’s and saw the place he was in now. It was messy, but the apartment was nicer than the one we had. It was almost or just about as nice as my last one before I left Arizona. We were talking about DEFCON and I was trying to pull up the .org site but it wasn’t coming up. I was able to find some photos and described how last year was the second annual goth con, and how queer con happens at the same time. (The funny thing is Jay went to DEFCON before I ever did since he hung around the UAT crowd, but dropped off before we’d met). He started acting like all the years of shit he put me through never happened or wasn’t bad enough to attempt picking back up and I kept trying to bring up my life in Seattle and he kept interrupting me. I thought to myself well, my relationships not monogamous… but that’s not what matters. I don’t even like Jay, even if I’m glad he turned some things around and got better, I don’t want anything to do with him. He finally got up to grab something and tripped over something to hit his knee on something and fell. I turned around to see him on the floor behind the couch and then noticed a small boy passed out in the doorframe to the next room all slumped over. He had a son about middle school age. The kid woke up and seemed pretty well adjusted, but he was being raised in a bachelor pad. I had no idea who this kid’s mom was. (Jay has a daughter irl who is now a legal adult).
He started trying to simultaneously reconnect with me while chasing a chick named Jessica and got a text from her, said he didn’t want to lose me again, then apologized and said he needed to go across the street and was then off to go after her. I was so fucking relived because he kept interrupting me when I kept trying to tell him after I moved to Seattle I fell in love. I decided to go and try to find them so I could meet her and say something like “hi I’m his ex, you should date him.” Or something to show that yes, I ship this, y’all should do the thing, and then I’d be heading home immediately. I couldn’t find them, I went to the door I thought it was and asked if this was the right residence for Jessica, the man who answered the door said no it was next door. I turned around and a few doors down some neighbors were hanging out at their front porch waving at me to go their way like they were in on what’s going on and tried to give me a hint. So I turned around and walked past them, went through a low gate into a pool area, and was rushing through a narrow area but then held on to a corner of a wall so I didn’t fall into the pool, there was maybe half a foot between that corner and the edge of the pool, the design was throwing me off. I went to th door at the end and knocked and didn’t see anything so I went around the corner and saw a couple people (maybe her parents or aunt and uncle or something?) looking disapproving of everything and the woman tried to point me around to the other entrance, encouraging me to go in and stop whatever was happening. She didn’t like it, and she was either under the impression I was trying to collect him or just sabotage him and she was good with either. She was wearing what looked like a gorgeous pink saree.
I decided to drop it and make my exit quietly. I went back to his apartment to grab my stuff and noticed a lot of Mexican food out on the table. Apparently he’d had a gathering recently and it all looked good, but how could he leave it sitting out for this long? He deals with food for a living and I’ve never seen him not put food away so shrug? I wasn’t doing well and went to sit down in another room and stretch. I got up and walked down to the end of the hall to inspect the bathroom. I was curious about it and the fixtures were nice and it had a clean contemporary design. I was surprised. I looked in the mirror and was trying to straighten out my outfit. Black and frilly skirt, black and white pinstripe vest, black and a deep pink (almost magenta but not that dark) too that was all disheveled. Jay had come back and was trying to pick back up where he left off. I asked how it went with Jessica and how I tried to find them so I could endorse him to her. I don’t know if he found her, it hadn’t even registered to me that he stripped and drew a bath, and the water had overflowed from the tub and was now filling the bathroom. The door was open but there was what I guessed was a plexiglass barrier in the doorway to keep the water from leaking so I went from thinking about water damaged to.. I guess this is a thing?
The kid had walked up and said something fast and incoherent and then ran off. I’m guessing it was one of those ask for permission /tell your guardian what you’re doing but not waiting for the answer things. The water subsided and then Jay left the bathroom and then Priest came down the stairs and I was all wtf in my head. Like what’s he doing here? He turned around and did a double take and stared at my chest. I looked down and noticed my top was all fucked up from earlier and my rack was exposed. I stared Priest down waiting for him to leave. He had a smirk on his face and walked into the bathroom trying to get me to flinch or cover myself in shame. Neither of us associate nakedness with shame. We have a lot in common there, but that’s it. We diverge in what behavior is acceptable or appropriate when approaching others. I don’t back down, he groped me, I grabbed his arm and tried to break his elbow but failed. He just stood there amused, knowing I couldn’t hurt him. He eventually walked away.
I was either at or near the airport looking at food and caffeine options. Jay later showed up and found me as I was taking off to leave Phoenix. He was glad he hadn’t missed me yet and I was all I’m going home to my love now. That dream felt so fucking long, it felt like I have been gone for a while.
I’m not doing well. I’ve been sick most of this year off and on with UTI’s and a nasty cold / upper respiratory thing followed by the worst flu ever. Despite getting the flu vaccine last year and taking Tamiflu within the first 24 hours of become symptomatic, this is the hardest mix of viral torture and fibro pain I’ve experienced in a decade. The fatigue and general feeling of heaviness has been insane. I slept most of the first 48 hours. I live in the epicenter of the COVID-19 outbreak in my country and I’ve been in the same building as a confirmed case on the same day that patient was there. I’m under quarantine for two weeks and it’s emotionally taxing on top of how emotionally taxing it’s been to be so sick and on prescription antibiotics, antivirals, fever reducers, and a bunch or other things for weeks on end.
Everything is compounding and I hurt bad. Of course depression would be kicking in hard, I’m past my threshold and out of bandwidth. Everything bled together and I cried and turned nothing into something with my boyfriend. I feel so touch deprived when I want comforts more than anything right now. I don’t get to touch him for weeks. I don’t get to hug anyone, I have to keep a physical distance from my own mother right now. I’m lonely. All I feel like doing is crying right now but it’ll make everything hurt more. It’s raining outside and that just triggers the fibro even more. It was sunny last week. Wtf. What is this combo breaker? I am an irrational mess. I need affirmations. I’m so fragile right now. I hate this. I hate being like this. I want to be told I’m still lovable despite all this baggage. I want to believe there will still be someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me I’m loved and was missed during this time. It follows past trends, it’s logical. So why am I buying into the lies my brains telling me right now? Why am I letting myself drown. I’m too tired to tread water. I need sleep. I basically need to try turning it off and back on again with my brain.
A fever dream set in Las Vegas:
Just had the worst dream I was visiting friends at their apartment Vegas not too far from the strip only to come out and discover my car had been stolen. This was Domino and Ryan’s apartment. Then after walking around the carport realized it had been towed despite there being no sign next to the uncovered space by the freaking palm tree. I was frantically looking for a sign with a number to call, went back inside and was alone (they were out but I’d just been on the phone with them), needed to call my lead I was going to be late logging in for work (I was half an hour out from Centennial Hills), had my friends keys to their purple Barracuda but realized I couldn’t drive two cars. Thought of calling Anne for help. I couldn’t think straight long enough to do any of the above and my phone kept saying it was 11 something when it had to be around 2 or 3 in the afternoon and I was like wtf time zone are you set to?! I went back inside and was in a small office space and tried to use this old school looking complicated phone with all these lines and line 1 went to freaking 911 and when they asked what my emergency was I apologized and said I was trying to reach non emergency services for my car. They were like oh okay and it apparently bypassed dispatch and went straight to a precinct and I heard one ask the other if they thought it might be the mustang. I was listening to see if they mentioned my car before finally being all never mind and hanging up. Then four dudes walked in and one was Trevor and I was like holy shit am I glad to see you, told him what happened, and was trying to get it all sorted. I never got anything sorted before waking up.
Also this virus is making me feel so weak when I wake up.
I’d been ranting about wanting to see mountain snow for a while. I get fixated on things like gluten free cinnamon rolls (I talked about it since before January 11th until we went on this wonderfully absurd adventure downtown to acquire said obsession) and then indulge, foodgasm, and eventually fixate on the next whimsical random thing. Since snow has become my new obsession after leaving my desert life, Adrian suggested taking a trip to Leavenworth. It’s this adorable af touristy town in eastern Washington modeled after traditional Bavarian towns. It’s cute af. We were thinking sometime in March but this last weekend lined up so he made it happen and we drove up.
I loved the drive, I miss long distance driving and the changing landscape through the countryside, mountains, switchbacks, and then trees and snow was gorgeous. Plus good music and my favorite company and it was everything I could have asked for. We got into town a little later than intended, due to rushing last minute errands on my side I got to his place late, so we started late (I hate how crammed my weekends get sometimes). We checked in at the Bavarian Ritz. He reserved the largest suite there. Mind. Blown. It had the biggest bed I’d ever seen, the chandeliers reminded me of Belle’s castle, this was almost like walking into my own drug fueled smut novel. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, yo. There was a faux fireplace heater thing, a bathroom, and a separate room with a huge tub in it. Gdi, I forgot the bath salts. I forgot it was mentioned until after I got there and saw the tub. But I remembered the silicone lube. Win some, lose some. But the whole thing was a win regardless.
We got settled in and ventured out to find dinner. We ended up at this Italian place and had this delicious Italian poke dish. I forgot everything that was in it, I was distracted. I had this Empress gin cocktail, it was pretty and it tasted pretty. He found a favorite whiskey, which happened the be the same one the server brought into the establishment, and was also the same one that was recommended to us at a favorite whiskey bar in SLU. We did wine tasting after, part way through I had to start sipping off of his glass because I was teetering from buzzed into drunk and needed to function. It was a very fun and engaging experience. I realize I really don’t know much about wine even though I enjoy it. Maybe I’ll learn over time with exposure. Maybe I won’t. But I’ll keep drinking it because it’s tasty.
It’s getting late and we stumble back to the hotel. It’s really not that late, and I’m the only one stumbling. This beautiful man is helping me make it back to the hotel in one piece. I desperately wanted a shower before I even left town for Leavenworth but due to time constraints decided to just deal, and shower at the hotel. I want to brush my teeth while I have some motor functionality left. Then I decide the shower is a need. We get under the hot water. This shower looks so complicated, but it’s actually really nice once we’re past the learning curve. There’s a waterfall shower head that points directly down, I won’t be able to keep my hair dry, but I brought what I needed to wash my hair anyway. There are three jets on a bar that are perpendicular… well, parallel to the wall, perpendicular to me? The bottom one was high enough to hit right between my legs if I stood right under the shower head. I think that was on purpose. It was distracting. This was a fun shower.
Intoxicated we finally get out of the shower and dry off. I appreciate that bed. That was an easy headboard to grip and lean against when I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. I threw my hitachi in my bag on a whim and am glad I made that impulse decision. This was firey firey passion. I never feel more like me than I do here. Completely unfiltered, unconditional, in love, happy, indulgent, amplified. The intermittent failures in motor control end up comical or annoying depending. I was still on prescriptions this evening too so stopping to eat and take meds was a pain but we managed. I broke down a lot of barriers in practice I’d only absolved in theory. It was very vulnerable and intense. It was connected and healing. This is space I’m grateful I could co-create and share in.
I’d made an amusing comment probably around 3 or 4am (I’m guessing) about how the rest of the hotel probably thinks we’re on our honeymoon. He said in a way we were, and that he went all out on room because of recent declarations. I don’t remember the exact wording / that’s the best I can paraphrase but I almost bsod’d hearing that. This was my bliss. I needed another shower, I stood under the hot water for a while and it felt so good. Everything was heavy and spent and exhausted but in such a good and satisfying way. I just wanted to keep going. My nerves flip a switch and go in reverse. Instead of pain, it’s all pleasure and I’m greedy. I want to indulge in it as much as possible because I know when I go to sleep and wake up, I’ll reset back to “normal.” Or maybe this is normal, it’s always under the surface. It’s like eva’s armor. It’s not to protect it, it’s to control it. This intoxication is basically me in berserk mode. Sleeping and eating are after thoughts, if they’re ever considered. I’m reminiscing hard despite censoring and redacting a lot.
So the next morning (lol), we picked back up where we left off, we showered, we went out and found breakfast while I watched people to see if anyone noticed (and was offended by) my kinky nun atheist shirt. We went to the most amazing tea shop and I found a new favorite mocha mate, got a genmaicha, chai masala, and whites chocolate truffle blend. I’m so fucking spoiled. We didn’t have it in us to check out the Cheesemonger place (too rich? Too heavy? At that moment) so we drove back home and I got to enjoy the landscape. We cuddled and started the new season of Altered Carbon. Friggin amazing. Definitely off the third book and not the second. Definitely nothing like the book except for like two details so far, but still incredible content.
Bliss.