Monthly Archives: February 2020

I feel like I have too much to write about / gush about / write out of my system and I’m not sure if I want to do some messy anti-format tangenty thing or post them separately. It’s 1:31am, I’m sleepy and in bed, but my brain won’t let me sleep until I get at least some of this down.

I was sick through the first half of the month, first with an upper respiratory infection, and then a secondary sinus infection. It involved two doctors visits, a slew of prescriptions, missed work, and a very rough recovery.

I planned a surprise for Valentines Day. It was the first time in 8 years since I celebrated and was excited af to plan things and share this time with someone I love. And I was sick. I canceled or rescheduled so many things, it was super busy (it’s always busy but this was excessive) first couple of weeks so there was a lot of shuffling things around. I had tickets to the midnight show at Can Can and booked a corner room at the Hyatt Regency so we didn’t have to worry about driving home after the show. I picked up an HDMI adapter for my iPad in case we wanted to watch or listen to anything, and I requested a late checkout.

Luckily I was able to move everything to this last weekend. I picked Saturday since we were doing a different weekend and it would be easier. Hyatt’s getting fancy with being able to check in, get into your room, and check out with your phone. I wore one of my favorite dresses and went more vintage than goth. The Can Can was a lot of fun, it’s burlesque but it has comedy and variety in it, and everything was pretty.

Adrian told me he loved me. At first I was sure I heard it right but wasn’t sure if I’d hallucinated it in some wishful cross faded stupor. He’d confirmed and I almost had an aneurysm I was so happy. I shared the thing I wrote on here in November and every word feels the same now like it did when I wrote it. This is a dream in my waking life. I’m not afraid of waking up and losing anything. I’m looking forward to being a snow bunny in Leavenworth with him this weekend.

There’s so much other stuff on my mind, work stuffs, health, my hiring manager asking about someone who used to work at my last company, my phone still autocorrects Jösh after all this time.. aaaaand I just blanked even though I know there’s other stuff. But I don’t feel like including all that on this so I’ll pick back up later. Maybe.

This is a huge and ongoing life lesson. I’ve had to learn to let go of a lot of grief, anger, and heartbreak when those I’ve been madly in love with, and who were madly in love with me couldn’t meet me on the bridge. I’ve learned it doesn’t diminish or nullify what we experienced and it’s okay to love from a distance. I have not kept fear in my heart to step on that bridge again, even though I’m still unprogramming occasional feelings that truly good things are fleeting. Sometimes I am afraid I’ll wake up and discover all the wonderful things that have come into my life were just a dream, which confirms what I’m holding close to my heart, and that I still have work to do so I can relax and feel secure within myself. None of this doubt has come from external sources recently, it’s residual from the past and I’m slowly and steadily unfucking myself. I’m learning to not worry about making longevity a focal point and to put being present and in the moment first. I’m also grateful I can walk in this world knowing I will find that love in many forms. There will be many “loves of my life,” and we’ll find each other on the bridge in time. Just some unfiltered unformatted things I’ve been thinking about for a while.

Did all the things I could think of to try and get ahead of this virus. I’m not even sure what I’m working with yet. The worst part is how bad my throat feels (like gargling broken glass), so I did the hot shower, gargling salt water, ginger lemon juice and cayenne shot, ibuprofen, had some green juice to buffer that, ginger tea, vitamins, and am tucked into bed. I ache. But the throat is the worst. Actually maybe it’s the bloating, my whole system is freaking out so I guess it’s time to take the “have you tried turning it off and on again?” step with my system.

My love is also sick, and working late at night this week. I wish we could just hibernate, stay wrapped in blankets, drink tea, sleep, cuddle, and take the time to recover. おやすみ, 大好きです ?