I guess it’s been really busy and I’ve been quiet. I’ve been spending as much time with Adrian as possible during his winter break. We’ve been going out, staying in, playing video games, watching anime, scifi movies, eating delicious food, cuddling, and having lots and lots of sex. I’m so happy. He felt me have a full body spasm when I was under him & I didn’t even know I could do that. I’m still learning about myself and what things work for me. Last weekend we went to a Fire and Ice party a friend threw. I was a little nervous since it had been years since I went to a house party and didn’t really know many people there but everyone was really nice and the general vibe was great. He tied me up and then another couple came into the area and did some shibari work. We ended up leaving to grab food and found an impressive whiskey bar that serves really good food late night.
Last night we went out to SIN and we were both hot af. My attire and look in general have gotten better over the years and it feels so good to go out dancing and flirting with someone you love in a goth and kink friendly venue. Also it’s reeeeally fun to watch him dance, he’s a really good dancer. I’m so happy I can dance with him (even though he’s way better than me). Some time last night… or maybe this morning, he made a comment about me not being in this world or something like that when I was under him. He was right, and I hadn’t realized it until he pointed it out. I was endorphin flooding so hard. I’m so enamored, I can’t physically react like this without such a strong connection. This, and everything else that goes along with it has felt like a dream come true. I’m incredibly grateful that I can live authentically and love someone without limits, AND I have the most incredible meta ever. I’m glad we got to do a spa thing together this weekend. She’s been reassuring me when I’ve had concerns and she’s checked in with me periodically.
I’m sad our schedules are going back to normal tomorrow. I know we’ll do our best to make time for each other when possible, but I’m really hoping our schedules line up a little better sooner than later. I also haven’t felt like I’ve had the bandwidth to date others while we’re still curating our relationship. I think once it’s transitioned into a long lasting dynamic I’ll feel like I’ll be more open, but for right now I’m indulging in that NRE. I mean it, and the associated chemicals that go with it, are there to enjoy for a reason right?
I’ve been causing some of my own internal grief with questioning myself and what’s “okay,” but he always reassures me and makes me feel cared for even though I’ve kept this grief to myself. I’ve also noticed there’s a bit of struggle inside. I’m more comfortable with accepting all of my emotions in general, but have realized the more I love and become more comfortable with Adrian, the less I fight the love I still hold for Josh. Both still exist and they don’t conflict with each other, it’s just an influence I didn’t see coming. I’m allowing myself to feel full spectrum again even if it hurts sometimes or leaves me wistful. I’m still unprogramming abandonment issues, breadcrumbing, and generally feeling like I’m “too much” little by little and started unpacking it with my therapist. Hopefully as things develop I’ll be able to settle into it without anxiety telling me it’s temporary. He’s never said or done anything to make me believe that, it’s just internal voices and my history’s influence, and I need to get better.