Monthly Archives: January 2020

I have a mighty need

I had a lot of stuff going on in my dreams (what’s new, right?) with lots of running around and not getting answers from peeps but there was this one glorious glorious part where I was standing around all these pastries with someone and just stuffed my face with a cinnamon roll.

Omfg. So good. Sooo goooooooood. Glad that happened before I woke up.

Broken Glass

Had a really long and weird and confusing stress dream but in one part I was in my room in Vegas to discover broken glass (broken pipes, bong, and toys). My dad had come in and broken them while I was away and the discovery felt beyond violating.

Fire and intrusion

My brain is doing some weird stuff and is apparently trying to sort things, or this is like some kind of brain chosen API wrapper and a new way to stress dream.

Adrian and I were having a discussion about our relationship in the context of CTI’s and I can’t tell if those were symbolic of something else or if we were literally discussing them in a professional context of their ownership and usage.

I was with Sarah in a dorm later and was chilling under a blanket on a couch when some dude I wasn’t expecting came in and it freaked me out. This was the common area but it was my space with Sarah or it was a female only space. He started trying to see what was on my phone and hitting on me. There was something on the fb feed on tattoos and then something on poly. I called him out on coming in uninvited and told him to leave. When I turned around he was kind of in drag but not really? (No makeup except eyeliner but feminine clothing) I tangented on different groups and comparing privilege, mentioning something about if someone else had called the authorities he’d be SOL and shouldn’t ever do this again. Sarah came around and commented generally, men will set aside their differences for a moment on something like this if the call out is coming from a woman. All I could do was sigh.

All of a sudden my ears started hurting and I covered them. Someone pointed out the fire alarm was going off and everyone got up to leave. I couldn’t find my backpack, it wasn’t anywhere where it abjuring have been and I know there’s no time to gather things if it’s a real fire. I tried to find an appropriate substitute and kept reverting to looking for that backpack and was looping. Everyone cleared out and I was worried about the cats. I walked back to the main area and Patrick was there, I asked him to help me get the car carriers while I tried to get them. They were skittish and then lethargic. He said something about giving them something to try and calm them. I was feeling lethargic and it was hazy, I didn’t know if this was smoke inhalation or if my mind was imaging it because of the duration I’d spent in there scrambling. The cats eventually came up to me when I was on the floor. I remember smoke and a lot of drama towards the end of this.

I was with mom in her new car (there was no transition in the dreams / brain has no chill) and we were parked outside a building with an officer or sheriff or someone was walking over and it made me wary, like he was going to abuse his authority to harass us, I tried to get my phone or a recorder out and he came by, then got in the back seat and started talking at us. I can’t remember what happened next.

Later I was walking down a few city blocks with DJ. He was being kind and respectful and it was expected behavior but it was also kind of throwing me off. Something in the back of my mind was telling me this was off. We ended up grabbing sushi and one of the guys was asking us what brought us here, I mentioned being familiar with the owners other establishments and wanted to check this place out. Another one of the staff sat across from us at our table to eat during her break. This is where I woke up.

This whole thing was chaotic.

Real Estate

I just had the craziest dream my real estate agent gave me the code for the lock box to go see a property and Adrian went with me. We walked around and he was about to fuck me on the living room floor when we heard “excuse me?” and he asked “who are you,” and they said they were an agent. Someone else had walked in with their own client to show the house and I woke up. Worst. Timing. Ever.

Just gushing

I guess it’s been really busy and I’ve been quiet. I’ve been spending as much time with Adrian as possible during his winter break. We’ve been going out, staying in, playing video games, watching anime, scifi movies, eating delicious food, cuddling, and having lots and lots of sex. I’m so happy. He felt me have a full body spasm when I was under him & I didn’t even know I could do that. I’m still learning about myself and what things work for me. Last weekend we went to a Fire and Ice party a friend threw. I was a little nervous since it had been years since I went to a house party and didn’t really know many people there but everyone was really nice and the general vibe was great. He tied me up and then another couple came into the area and did some shibari work. We ended up leaving to grab food and found an impressive whiskey bar that serves really good food late night.

Last night we went out to SIN and we were both hot af. My attire and look in general have gotten better over the years and it feels so good to go out dancing and flirting with someone you love in a goth and kink friendly venue. Also it’s reeeeally fun to watch him dance, he’s a really good dancer. I’m so happy I can dance with him (even though he’s way better than me). Some time last night… or maybe this morning, he made a comment about me not being in this world or something like that when I was under him. He was right, and I hadn’t realized it until he pointed it out. I was endorphin flooding so hard. I’m so enamored, I can’t physically react like this without such a strong connection. This, and everything else that goes along with it has felt like a dream come true. I’m incredibly grateful that I can live authentically and love someone without limits, AND I have the most incredible meta ever. I’m glad we got to do a spa thing together this weekend. She’s been reassuring me when I’ve had concerns and she’s checked in with me periodically.

I’m sad our schedules are going back to normal tomorrow. I know we’ll do our best to make time for each other when possible, but I’m really hoping our schedules line up a little better sooner than later. I also haven’t felt like I’ve had the bandwidth to date others while we’re still curating our relationship. I think once it’s transitioned into a long lasting dynamic I’ll feel like I’ll be more open, but for right now I’m indulging in that NRE. I mean it, and the associated chemicals that go with it, are there to enjoy for a reason right?

I’ve been causing some of my own internal grief with questioning myself and what’s “okay,” but he always reassures me and makes me feel cared for even though I’ve kept this grief to myself. I’ve also noticed there’s a bit of struggle inside. I’m more comfortable with accepting all of my emotions in general, but have realized the more I love and become more comfortable with Adrian, the less I fight the love I still hold for Josh. Both still exist and they don’t conflict with each other, it’s just an influence I didn’t see coming. I’m allowing myself to feel full spectrum again even if it hurts sometimes or leaves me wistful. I’m still unprogramming abandonment issues, breadcrumbing, and generally feeling like I’m “too much” little by little and started unpacking it with my therapist. Hopefully as things develop I’ll be able to settle into it without anxiety telling me it’s temporary. He’s never said or done anything to make me believe that, it’s just internal voices and my history’s influence, and I need to get better.

God’s Liaison

Why did God’s liaison look like Sirius Black in my dream this morning? Why was Gary Oldman drying off dishes in some penthouse apartment nonchalantly talking about certain things happening because humans need to eat among other things… like he was Moses, but he knew about all the modern stuff because time isn’t actually linear?!