I’m running into a communication failure and am struggling to overcome it. I even discussed it with my therapist earlier today, and it’s nice to talk about a good thing in my life instead of dealing with the crisis of the week or some overarching major life event sized crisis (like the one that’s been happening since mid November that I haven’t written about yet because I’m waiting for it to be over).
The issue on my mind is my fear of being too much. I’m afraid of asking for too much or too little at the same time and don’t know how to balance it, and I know this is residual from previous relationships and interactions with people I cared for making me feel like… I was too much to deal with. Adrian is transparent, empathetic, easy to talk to in person, and has incredible EQ. I also can’t believe I found someone worse at online communication than Josh. That was a huge strain and he’d talk to me more, I mean I guess it was all we had for months given the circumstances. This isn’t anywhere close to similar in circumstances. Adrian has availability and is making space for me in his life. This is all new and we haven’t found our cadence yet. But I feel bad not knowing when I’ll see him next. It makes me sad I could send a message and not get a response for hours or the next day, even though he just said something a minute ago. He was honest about not being the greatest with this kind of thing, but I am hurting inside right now, and asking myself if this is really a problem or if it’s just my brain making something from nothing. I think I’d like more of a definitive answer on when we’ll see each other, or some kind of routine. Having no frame of reference has been more difficult than I’d like to admit, but how can he address anything if I don’t tell him.
There’s also some irony with our opposite schedules relegating us mostly to weekends, when one of my biggest pain points used to be never getting weekends.
… it’s also funny my meta and I talk on the daily. We have really good communication online and in person.
How do I keep falling for incredibly gorgeous, intelligent, empathetic men who are awful at electronic communication?!
I wish this nausea would go away. I seem to be in one of those chronic nausea phases right now.