I figured out how I wanted to express this. Earlier this morning I felt like I was lost for a couple moments and you caught it immediately, stopped, and brought me back.
I haven’t come up against a trigger like that, in that way before, and I’m still a little emotionally raw from it but I’m in a good headspace. You found a limit and handled it beautifully and I appreciate you, and love you more because of it.
I’m running into a communication failure and am struggling to overcome it. I even discussed it with my therapist earlier today, and it’s nice to talk about a good thing in my life instead of dealing with the crisis of the week or some overarching major life event sized crisis (like the one that’s been happening since mid November that I haven’t written about yet because I’m waiting for it to be over).
The issue on my mind is my fear of being too much. I’m afraid of asking for too much or too little at the same time and don’t know how to balance it, and I know this is residual from previous relationships and interactions with people I cared for making me feel like… I was too much to deal with. Adrian is transparent, empathetic, easy to talk to in person, and has incredible EQ. I also can’t believe I found someone worse at online communication than Josh. That was a huge strain and he’d talk to me more, I mean I guess it was all we had for months given the circumstances. This isn’t anywhere close to similar in circumstances. Adrian has availability and is making space for me in his life. This is all new and we haven’t found our cadence yet. But I feel bad not knowing when I’ll see him next. It makes me sad I could send a message and not get a response for hours or the next day, even though he just said something a minute ago. He was honest about not being the greatest with this kind of thing, but I am hurting inside right now, and asking myself if this is really a problem or if it’s just my brain making something from nothing. I think I’d like more of a definitive answer on when we’ll see each other, or some kind of routine. Having no frame of reference has been more difficult than I’d like to admit, but how can he address anything if I don’t tell him.
There’s also some irony with our opposite schedules relegating us mostly to weekends, when one of my biggest pain points used to be never getting weekends.
… it’s also funny my meta and I talk on the daily. We have really good communication online and in person.
How do I keep falling for incredibly gorgeous, intelligent, empathetic men who are awful at electronic communication?!
I wish this nausea would go away. I seem to be in one of those chronic nausea phases right now.
Had a dream I was in the backseat of a van or suv or whatever at night, and we were stopped at a light off McDowell Rd (so I’m guessing Phoenix) when we watched a head on collision happen right in front of us in the intersection and watched a man die. There were sparks from grinding metal flying everywhere from a semi bulldozing through a white compact car. The car he was in was crushed and he’d been decapitated. I remember the contrast of the blood on the white car was pretty striking.
There were a couple of other gruesome accidents too but this one stuck out from the dream most.
I can’t believe I’m writing this, for the first time since 2012 I’m officially partnered. I adore him so much, he’s given me so much peace and space to express things I’ve kept inside for a long time. I can’t believe I have a meta that’s this incredible, she mentioned she was rooting for me lol. It was really nice to sit around, drink coffee, and play games at the kitchen table with everyone, these are like the fairytale ideal polycule setups you read about online that supposedly exist, and then you insta fall for someone and suddenly you’re playing Sushi Go!
I feel like I’m just beaming right now. There’s been a lot of difficult stuff going on for a while but I feel like with all of this care and time spent together, that I’m better equipped to handle what’s going on. We met at the end of October and kind of made our “debut” out last night. My meta said it was very fitting that this debut involved a goth night and then venue hopping to an EDM night. I appreciate that, it’s a fair call out. 🙂 After the second venue we went next door for pizza and he expressed concern about me cheating with gluten but I decided to go for it and ate a little more than half of a gigantic slice of veggie pizza and it was delicious. He mentioned it’s not one he would have gone for until I went for it and at first I was like ??? and was all but it’s got banana peppers and- and he mentioned it was the onions and smell and that could bother some people but if we’re eating the same thing it doesn’t matter and I was like ohhhhhh, and said I’ve been single for so long I hadn’t even thought about it. This is when he pointed out I’m not single anymore. I had a momentary mental bsod. We’re gonna eat whatever we want / idgaf about onions on pizza. ?
Ugh, this is the gothic perfection I called out at the beginning of November. He’s gorgeous and kind, considerate, emotionally available, giving, and I’m grateful he likes me too and the chemistry’s been amazing. I’m so happy we’re exploring this, there’s so much I want to share and experience together.
Just woke up from a really messy complicated stress dream where everything was dangerous.
I went up a steep hill to help mom get the trash from the bathroom bins and lost a house slipper so I was going up this path on loose dirt and it almost became a vertical climb.
There was a small stint in it where dad did hurt me I don’t want to type out.
I was trying to visit a friend and there were building issues, I climbed to the 5th floor to the top of an elevator bay to try and lift myself over and get in the elevator knowing if I fell I’d die.
We eventually meet up and leave the property and another friend is driving and getting onto a freeway on-ramp. Strangely it looks like the freeways and landscape in Vegas but in the distance and across some water I can see downtown Seattle and tried to grab a photo with my phone but it didn’t go well. We were supposed to pick someone up and I pointed out them walking on the other side of a median from a road that ran parallel. Friend said it was okay and she’d figure out how to get to him and made a sharp turn thinking she’d almost missed an off ramp when there wasn’t one. We skidded through a section of gravel where there was no median, driving off the road and were basically falling to our death. I was riding shotgun and had the seat down wondering if that was worse or if it even mattered (airbags will go off, car will impact desert floor, insta death) but we kept falling and all I could think was shouldn’t we have impacted by now? I brought the seat up and sat up to see we were about to make contact with another road below the overpass and it wasn’t going to be bad. It was confusing / impossible and all the driver said was she thinks she’s got it. What? Magic? Did angels carry the car down or something? She continued driving and the area is an absolute mess, on the side of the road some kid is messing with a rattlesnake. Then when I turned to look again it was a man throwing a Komodo dragon with its tail missing.
Just w. t. f. All I wanted was a nap, I’m tired af.
Crazy story time at the Starbucks drive thru today:
Normally I pick up mobile orders but didn’t feel like getting out of my car today, but this guy changed that. For some reason the Jeep at the front of the line wasn’t moving and I had my turn signal on to get behind a Tesla after there was movement (I didn’t want to block the flow of traffic). Anyway, this guy comes up to my car and keeps knocking on my window and I’m instantly offended because some people don’t recognize how that could be perceived as a threat. I crack the window and he asks for a dollar to which I reply I don’t have cash on me (which is true since I always use the Starbucks app) and he starts yelling about how he’s hungry and then proceeds to knock on the windows of the Tesla, the black sedan in front of him, and then the Jeep at the front.
The Tesla is tired of waiting and uturns out of line (Idk if he went inside or gave up), so I decide to put in a mobile order and turn around to go park. The guy stops me mid turn so I’m in the middle of the street, definitely blocking all traffic, and won’t stop knocking on my window. He’s either completely forgotten he started at my car, or doesn’t care. He won’t go, he’s being argumentative, I call 911 on Bluetooth in my car and he asks “who are you talking to?” When he hears me describing him to dispatch he turns around and books it across the street to the gas station, shoulder checking some guy waiting for his Uber, and a barista was watching this all happen and was talking to the poor dude and then walked up while I was talking to dispatch. I went in to grab my stuff and texted the photos to the barista in case it took a while for someone to show up since I have appointments before work, but the sheriff did show before I left and I was able to provide photos and explain what dude was doing. He said he’s go across the street and try to find that guy.
Thankfully no one was injured, there was no vandalism, and the sheriff showed up quickly. It’s sad I had to call 911 before that guy would back off and I couldn’t even move my car. This is what happens the one time I decided I didn’t feel like getting out of my car.
Just woke up from a dream where Adrian was telling me he was only interested in a physical relationship and wanted to be very clear about that while we were sitting in his Tesla. I could feel that little inkling of my heart breaking, sinking in through my chest and stomach right before waking up. Dick move, brain.
There was also another dream where two baby bears ended up in the ceiling of a corporate office and they weighed about 1400lbs each and facilities had to figure out how to get them out. One of my friends I used to work with was a lead in the dream too (glad their promotion crossed over into dreamland).
Dare I try to nap and get some more sleep in?
You already have enough influence to break my heart
Dear Jöshua,
You’ve talked about your many aliases over the years online, even though I only know of a couple of them, and you know of the many names I go by. The analogy we’ve used in where we’ve pleased each other in our lives has been Misato and Kaji since we started gushing about our histories and fandoms to each other. They were pseudonyms we had at one point in our pasts before we even met each other, and somehow that lined up.
One online alias I used as a teenager was Persephone, I can’t remember if I ever referenced it. I’d heard of Lore Olympus for a while and have seen a lot of beautiful cosplay from it but hadn’t read the comic until recently. It brings a lot of… something out of me, and if I was Persephone I guess that assigned you Aidoneus (which I had thought of a couple times over the years but never mentioned). I thought you lived more like I was Buffy and you were Angel, where you felt your happiness was forbidden and our lives depended on it. I was pissed, we’re not fictional characters. We had a real, something. I felt like for years I poured over- I overflowed with love for you that had nowhere to go, that couldn’t be received, and that drowned me. It sits in reserve, that river doesn’t flow to you (it can’t), but I’ve had some relief in finding new love that has space to be received. It’s not an erasure of our history and your influence, it doesn’t take your place, but it gives me a warmth and color in my life that’s been painfully missing for a long time. I’m rambling at 1:07am. This has been swimming in my mind for a while, but it’s being written out due to some influence from here. I wonder how much of that resonated with you, or if I’m off. I don’t know what your life looks like now, but I hope you’re okay.
Just woke up from the worst chaotic dream I was in a hotel doing some work stuff with friend’s when they took off and I stayed behind to nap from exhaustion.
I got up to use the bathroom and when I was walking back the doors were locked and the news was showing a quarantine for the sick or those who were expected to be exposed and was showing which states were being impacted. There was debate about federal and global impact of adding states, or relocating those who seems healthy, the examples of sick kids and adults vomiting blood and what looked like liquified internal organs looked worse than Ebola. I approached the curtain to exit the bathroom and saw a large facility on the other side where a woman in some uniform yelled at me to stand back. There were men in hazmat suits bringing in uncovered bodies that were visibly destroyed by the disease and I was standing there with no barrier. I was naked, pleading and asking how long I’d be there, if the county was being segregated and if I could go wherever the larger quarantine was so at least I wouldn’t be isolated and locked up. I couldn’t get answers. I asked how long the incubation period was and was told it was something like 8 days to possibly a few years.
Somehow I got out and was clothed but walking barefoot on asphalt in the Arizona summer but wasn’t feeling my feet burn yet (despite the concern). I kept walking and was behind this truck in traffic, and it went and I got up on the curb along this grassy park median. I didn’t recognize the area. It was out west and far from the Phoenix I recognized. There were people across the street watching, Latinas crossing their arms as they spectated but not going inside or coming near. The men who were across the street were on the grassy path and I started to walk the other direction when one in sunglasses started talking to me, trying to introduce himself, and suggested I come back the other way with him. There were two other men walking with him now. Traffic wasn’t coming, no one was moving, no one was intervening. This was human trafficking and I didn’t have any weapons, no car, nothing but my phone. I couldn’t outrun them, I kept talking as I walked backwards until I saw a taqueria I could get into quickly and ran in to the bathroom inside and locked the door. I hit the emergency button on my iPhones lock screen and got a message and a girl in one of the stalls said the number had changed fo one of those #11’s. I said fuck it and dialed 911 while frantically explaining what was on the other side of the door. I was crying on the bathroom floor and the girls in the bathroom hovered around me sympathetically, one was like whatever and was about to walk out and unlock the door. I begged her not to because of what was on the other side and she listened. I explained how I’m from Phoenix and I have a good career and have no idea how I ended up in this position and I woke up.