I’m not going blind with a quickness. My visions still good, macula and optic nerve are alright, at least what’s observable. Pressure in the nerve is slightly above average and needs to be monitored, it could still be autoimmune related. We can’t identify the black specs, it might be related to the retina and it might be too small to find. I’m still being referred to a neuro-ophthalmologist but at least it’s not urgent right now.
I’m being weird, even for me. My Wifey brought me and a couple friends to a Halloween house party a couple weekends ago and I arrived fairly late. I wasn’t sure if I’d even have the energy but it was surprisingly on my side of town-ish, and I miss house parties. They don’t seem to be a thing here as much as they were elsewhere. Wifey recognized the hosts from Phoenix and ran into them at the Beats Antique show a while back, I’d intended on going to this show but ended up missing it. So I awkwardly go in and it’s been winding down, introduce myself and am still hopeless at remembering many names given to me all at once. I decided to go to the kitchen and look at the alcohol, it’s a rare occasion now and I decided to go for it.
All of a sudden some gothic perfection shows up as I turn the corner and offers to explain where everything is, offers the blood orange or raspberry mead he made, or is more than happy to make me a cocktail. I’m almost speechless, when’s the last time a man made me lose my words? 2014. It’s been five years and it’s a familiar mental train wreck in a very different place in a very different time with a very very different catalyst.
We introduce ourselves, he’s one of the two hosts. He’s my Wifey’s friend’s husband. The wife and I had just met a few minutes prior, she’s lovely. He’s breaking my brain. He’s married. This is an instant deal breaker because that means off limits. They’re poly. It’s back on the table. Does he even think I’m cute? What’s their dynamic, what are their rules? I’m suddenly being presumptive. None of it is relevant if this sudden infatuation isn’t reciprocated.
Now this, this is fascinating, not only what I’m observing in front of me but also what I’m picking up on from within. People have gotten my attention over the last couple years and I’ve had some hookups, I’ve made friends, but no one has made me want to invest myself. I’ve looked everyone up and down and decided within the first 5 minutes where the limits are. I don’t see it here, and it’s not scary at all. Reciprocated or not, it’s actually fine. I think we’ll be wonderful friends even if we never develop any intimate dynamic. I used to wonder where on the mono – poly spectrum I landed. I always thought I couldn’t really deeply love and plan long term with anyone unless we were each other’s primaries and everyone else would be a fleeting play partner. Or maybe a life long friend you got closer to or were more romantic with than most, and maybe you’d end up moving away from each other but would keep in touch and try to visit. That’s not true to me anymore.
I always felt like I’d have to treat these things as a case by case thing. There are some partners I could definitely have an open or poly dynamic with, and some where I’d only want to be with them and that’s it. People have different needs at different points in their lives, wouldn’t relationships evolve over time as your needs and your partners needs change too? I’ve come to realize that I could love someone fully in a poly relationship even if I was not their primary. I can understand the context of the relationship going in, how it’s framework is constructed, what we make of it, and how it sits neatly next to our other relationships. These things are fluid. It may not be forever, but we can give ourselves fully and authentically to the experience and to each other in our own ways for the time we choose to spend together. And as circumstances change we adjust, and it doesn’t take away from its legitimacy just because we never promised forever.
How did I get here? I think it’s incredible I started heading in this direction probably a year ago. I know that loving someone doesn’t take away from someone else. It’s like the joke about how it’s not pie. It’s these transitions that’s made me comfortable with these considerations in general, and I’m glad I met him at the right time (finally, for once). I don’t think I could have allowed myself to enjoy these emotions a year ago.
This person is so much of a hedonist, we’re on the same frequency, except he’s completely indulged in it. He has rope, Violet wands, their house is set up for entertaining but its still a home and it’s incredibly comfortable and inviting. It’s warm. It’s exactly the environment I’d want to create if I could / if I didn’t have a conservative elderly parent living with me.
He’s so charismatic and completely beats me at the extroverted game. He was engaging with everyone at the party, listening intently, chiming in with his own experiences related to the current topic, offering things, he found out I loved spicy food after talking about the series Hot Ones and showed me the hot sauce collection he accumulated doing the wing challenge with his friends. He gave Wifey and I massages, he offered to have us go soak in the hot tub in the back yard when everyone else had gone home, it was 5am and we needed to go while we could still drive, otherwise we would have gone for it, and he offered us the guest room! But she had pets to tend to and I had plans.
He checked in on me when I made a general post online about feeling off and wanting company this last weekend. His attention is so undivided when he gives it, and that’s with everyone from what I’ve seen, that I can’t tell if he’d reciprocate where I’m at or if he’s really into me the way he’s really into anyone he likes in general and it’s completely platonic. I can’t read this, I’m doubting everything. When I said I was a wimp at reaching out directly over making a general call online he fired back that we’re obviously very comfortable with each other in person, and he needs a good excuse to have me over for a soak in the hot tub. That sounds like Wifey verbiage. Gdi. I’m gushing. Ima die. I’m ded.
I had a conversation with a very close friend named Josh (there’s too many of you) at work. He’s recently engaged but one of his best friends is someone who he considered a soulmate. She was pretty young when they met (their age gap isn’t that huge imo but they were both fairly young) and she decided to go and see what else is out there. They still confide in each other. They still vett things, decisions, and relationships for each other. There’s a deep connection and trust, even if the context has changed, and they want to see each other happy. There’s also a pact that when they’re old and gray, if they’re both single and/or widowed that they’re getting back together. It’s funny, endearing, and a little sad they didn’t just stay together than anyway. But I know he loves his fiancé, even if it’s different than what he had with his ex. He is poly, his soon to be wife is not, and she is the jealous type. This isn’t a judgment on her, but it seems like someone is always complying to the expectations of others… and end up compromising themselves in the end.
I guess, it made me think of you. Many things do, I still want to share everything I enjoy with you. This is kind of testing out what I’ve said I’m capable of for a while. I can love you from a distance and have loving relationships in my future without one diminishing or taking from the other. It’s not pie after all, cake is infinite (I said that in the office today and forgot what it was referencing). I’m just a little sad because I wish it would have worked out like my friend Josh and his soulmate where they’re still connected online and still have some kind of relationship even if their lives have moved on. I feel like there’s so much damage there and like you decided you can’t go after happiness, like you’re Angel and have to punish yourself (or did a great job portraying it), but part of me feels like it’s been so long I basically abandoned you because I felt like you abandoned me.
You were never really holding space for me even when we were able to speak freely. It’s hard to remember that now. I started thinking there’s been enough time between what happened maybe that sadness from distance and pain have burned off, and now it’s just some wistful sadness from absence left, with a desire for communication and bridge building. At the time I thought I did the right thing fighting for you, I was fighting for myself. This dynamic was destructive to us both (there’s a shared liability there). That’s not love, it’s a need for possession. Love would have been acceptance, not just for who you are, but also the choices you made. Love would have been seeing all of that and deciding it’s okay because you know what you need in your life more than anyone else. I still don’t understand why you made these choices, but it’s never been mine to understand. I wonder if you’re still at the university, if you’re well, what media you’re currently into, what your dreams are like now, what endeavors you’re pushing for. But why would you ever want me back in your life in any way? I destroyed that bridge.