Last night I felt true compersion for the first time. I’ve known the term for a long time, but I’ve only observed it in others instead of experiencing it myself. The previous examples of open and/or poly dynamics I’ve explored were not the healthiest examples, whether I was primary or secondary partnered in a hierarchy.
Over time I’ve seen myself move towards an egalitarian form of poly (or I guess it’s been rebranded as relationship anarchy?) and have been grateful to have my emotions reciprocated by someone I really care for, and am really grateful to my meta for being lovely and welcoming. It is because of their loving dynamic that they reinforce their own relationship and each other, and I can see how that enables them to reinforce their own relationships outside of the one they share. This is the best example of poly that I’ve seen and that I’ve experienced personally, I know there are many other styles but this fits for me. There’s also the thing where I insta-fell for you and that chemical reaction thankfully went both ways. We only met a month and two days ago (even though it feels like I’ve known you longer), and I’m glad I followed that spark.
This has also been an incredibly, and surprisingly, healing experience. This is still a new dynamic, but I haven’t had to inhibit myself and was able to recently express myself freely. I really hate loving with limits more than anything. I’m not worried about bandwidth or jealousy, no one loses out because someone they care for cares for others, you’re not pie. And I love the openness and transparency more than anything. Everyone is aware of each other, there is a lot of trust and a lot of communication.
It helped me reconcile a lot of past trauma (along with a lot of therapy over the last year). It helped me stop mourning the past loves I couldn’t let blossom, it stopped my present from competing with my past. It reinforced my holding space for the love I still carry for others while understanding I could move on and enjoy life and new love. This is my proof of concept, finally moving from theory into practice. It helped me stop trying to painfully define how far I could explore dynamics with others based on the conditions of longevity. I would imagine we all want our loving dynamics to live on for the rest of our lives, but that’s not the focal point. It’s pouring every bit of yourself into that space now and allowing yourself to be in those shared moments to completely appreciate them. Everything I’ve done in the past feels like self sabotage now that I’m reflecting back. We try to learn from our past. The future will come soon enough, there’s no reason to dwell on it.
It helped me stop competing and comparing. We all have histories, and experience is a good thing. We don’t have to limit ourselves and how or who we choose to love, as long we’re honest and don’t break any promises we make or disregard any boundaries. And all of the above is incredibly important, but mostly I was given space to be 100% vulnerable in the company of another person who cares for me, and it’s one of the best things I ever allowed myself to do again. This time without any doubts, hesitation, or red flags. Once I got out of my own head it was fine, and those fabricated concerns I spun in my mind were laid to rest. This was a space I didn’t think I could fully hold within myself after the sexual assaults I’ve encountered over the years.
I’m still healing, I don’t have all the answers, and I’m still a work in progress. But I am so incredibly grateful for all this clarity, and I don’t know what shape this dynamic will evolve into, but so far the ride has been beautiful just like you, and I thank you, and I love you for it. And I know it’s way too soon… so I hope someday, I can tell you.