It’s been a while, Jöshua was in my dream this morning and I can’t remember the start of it but I needed to retrieve some things. He… you looked different. I’ve been so used to addressing you directly in here for years despite going back and forth or trying to deviate periodically. I have a feeling this might be the last time.
In the dream I was wandering around some huge mid century property and was a little concerned about its structural integrity with some of the last owners add on projects, it seemed like I was looking for something but wasn’t exactly sure what, and I found a back room with some familiar things, there was some legitimate office space, some residential, and in one very large room downstairs were two queen beds Placed next to each other like a T. The headboard from one was against the wall and the other one was horizontal at the foot of the first bed. There was also a trunk on the ground with random possessions in them, write trash bags with dresses thrown in, books, a couple electronic devices, a small laptop that was on and open. I’d found some of my things in another room and it seemed like I’d been going back and forth but it had been a long time since I was there.
Down the main hall and out to where the loft and stairs were I heard different music playing, one was a Matchbox Twenty song, I cant remember what played after but I remember commenting Eve 6 in the dream. You were downstairs patiently waiting… for me to leave? To yell? Idk, but I could feel and see the animosity when I went downstairs and found you. I was trying to figure out how to move everything out of this space because I knew I wouldn’t be welcome back, and realized one of the beds in the large room belonged to a Josh that I currently work with, so I reached out to him to come pick it up, and ask if he was able to help me move the things in my trunk, and the trunk itself, back to my place. He showed up with his fiancé in a truck to grab the bed, but there was no room to move everything. I asked what if I could get Matt to come over with his truck so they could leave everything in the trunk and just transport it as is.
I was standing on the little metal step on the driver side of the truck while talking and Josh slowly started to back up out of the driveway. I lost my balance and fell onto the asphalt. I hadn’t realized it was already dark out until then (also neither of them have trucks irl), you saw me on the ground and walked over. I was trying to get up on my own and my body was fighting me, so when you extended your hand I took it and stood up. We started walking and I don’t remember what we were talking about. I did remember wondering if you ever peeked at this page anymore, or if you saw the thing I wrote about Adrian and you. That I still have love for you even if it’s different now and is only capable of existing at a distance, or if you’d even gaf. You looked different, you were wearing glasses but your hair was more like a fwb’s I knew in Arizona before I met you. Which is funny because his hair was short in 2012 but in the last year he’s been wearing it longer, and I never realized how jet black or wavy it was. I think you and I have a dark brown / natural black N2 / almost N1 color, and he’s straight N1 dark black like mi madre. Idk why my brains tangenting on hair shades.
I left that place and Idk if I gave up or abandoned the possessions that were there like I had to do in Vegas earlier this year, or if I needed to figure out a plan and come back to deal with it later. I was running around a town I didn’t recognize but it seemed like an alternate universe Phoenix. There was a college football game between ASU and UofA at what looked like the stadium in Tempe. It looked like ASU won when a bunch of fireworks went off and all the gold and maroon streamers and confetti came down. This happened at night, then I was traveling around the city in the day again, and the buildings were foreign to me. I got lost somewhere in what I thought was the avenues but couldn’t get my bearings (and that always makes me feel uneasy). I woke up very abruptly this morning to a knock at my door so I lost everything else.