I should be asleep. This is nothing new, I’m almost always awake when I should be asleep.
A lots been bothering me, but this ones pretty bad. I’m waiting to see a neuro-ophthalmologist for more tests. Something’s off with one of my optic nerves, and that shits irreversible. I know nothings ever guaranteed in life, and I’ve never taken my senses for granted, but blindness is terrifying. I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid of the dark in my life. This is a symptom of intracranial hypertension or it’s early onset optic neuritis, and that’s autoimmune but it’s usually associated with MS, and I don’t have that diagnosis… currently. My specialists have figured out a lot more here than they ever did in the SW, but there are still a lot of unknowns they can’t label. It’s common for MS to be comorbid with the other diagnoses (I have many now / yay?) I already have, but I thought this would be a pretty late onset for this one. And then I looked it up and the average age of onset is 34, and I’m not far off. Dammit.
I don’t know if I have MS. Idk if it’s SLE, no ones sure. Maybe it’s both? Maybe it’s a combo breaker. I really don’t want to get worse, it’s been so hard getting marginally better. I don’t want to go blind. I know people who are blind function well and get along just fine, but I can’t even imagine not being able to drive, or see or produce art, or wander around anywhere just to see an unknown place, or colors, or light… how tf would I work? I’m nauseated. I need to stop.