Monthly Archives: October 2019

1:39AM

I should be asleep. This is nothing new, I’m almost always awake when I should be asleep.

A lots been bothering me, but this ones pretty bad. I’m waiting to see a neuro-ophthalmologist for more tests. Something’s off with one of my optic nerves, and that shits irreversible. I know nothings ever guaranteed in life, and I’ve never taken my senses for granted, but blindness is terrifying. I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid of the dark in my life. This is a symptom of intracranial hypertension or it’s early onset optic neuritis, and that’s autoimmune but it’s usually associated with MS, and I don’t have that diagnosis… currently. My specialists have figured out a lot more here than they ever did in the SW, but there are still a lot of unknowns they can’t label. It’s common for MS to be comorbid with the other diagnoses (I have many now / yay?) I already have, but I thought this would be a pretty late onset for this one. And then I looked it up and the average age of onset is 34, and I’m not far off. Dammit.

I don’t know if I have MS. Idk if it’s SLE, no ones sure. Maybe it’s both? Maybe it’s a combo breaker. I really don’t want to get worse, it’s been so hard getting marginally better. I don’t want to go blind. I know people who are blind function well and get along just fine, but I can’t even imagine not being able to drive, or see or produce art, or wander around anywhere just to see an unknown place, or colors, or light… how tf would I work? I’m nauseated. I need to stop.

Yes to the dress?

Had a lot of crazy dreams back to back but the one that stood out was being in Vegas and I was about to get married. I’m not even sure which venue it was but it was a gigantic production and I was in the hugest dress about to get called up (there seemed to be a lot of weddings going). I got stood up so I married myself.

I didn’t know anyone there and wasn’t even sure who the groom was, and when it was just me I was literally thinking to myself, why let the dress and cake go to waste?

Some other part was digging through cute shoes at a Payless of all places and walking down a hall where there was a glass door where they kept other shoes and Baby Phat of all brands (hello 90’s) but it was unlocked with a sign that said go in because the workers were like fuck it. That room also had some cheap Charlotte Ruse looking floggers and other accessories in different colors and I was all.. when did this get so mainstream?! Man this stuff looks cheap.

There was another dream where I was trying to fit a bunch of stuff into a small place not too far from the wedding, this was some side door inside a casino I think, or one of those attached convention centers. I was practically naked and partially thinking this was awkward / partially like I need to get this shit done. I owned more tv’s than I ever had. I was fighting with a square rack with clothing on it and trying to get it into a corner, I argued with a nest thermostat on the wall in the back room and it talked back. Then some chick was in the closet who I’m assuming had been hiding there for a while like she’d been abandoned and she looked like Michelle Trachtenberg. Later I was sitting at a family dinner with this nice black family and her daughter was vouching for her. I was already an expected guest of the daughter’s but the surprise chick was being presented as another guest for a sleepover. Idk

Tony?

Random dream I was dating Tony Stark (or possibly Robert Downey Jr. because Tony Stark is basically Robert Downey Jr. anyway), but anyway we were laying on our stomachs in bed watching something on a tablet and then I was working on something with a creme brûlée torch (yes, still in bed) and accidentally caught the hair on his arm on fire. He was to my left so this was his right arm.

I always wanted a creme brûlée torch for years (and they’re not that expensive, Idk why I haven’t just picked one up).

I just learned my phone will spell brûlée as brûlée.

Is my brain trying to assemble the avengers and I’ll be dating them all in various dreams now?

Idfk brain.

Jay

This is the second night in a row my ex has tried to reconcile with me (as in make things amicable/bury the hatchet) and make peace in a dream amidst all the chaos going on. He and I have not spoken since 2012. Wtf is going on brain.

Things were so real it was basically 2012 or 2013 all over again and like the last 6 years of my life never happened. But something felt wrong and off, like I knew things weren’t supposed to be the were in the dream or like I was forgetting something important. I can’t even remember all the details since I’m writing this late. He will never take accountability for the things he did to me or others, Idk why my brain is pretending he ever would, and I could never be friends with a predator.

2:43am

I haven’t dyed my hair in almost a year while dealing with all this court stuff and going back and forth across the country. Part of it’s been entertaining to see just how much my hair has changed naturally, I started seeing a couple grays around 23 or 24 but there were so few. They seemed to really come in the last couple years and then call it good for now. It’s mostly concentrated in my bangs (and mostly my hairline), and I was kind of hoping for a Rogue streak but it’s nowhere near there. I also don’t understand why people freak out about their hair changing, the fact that I’m living to see this means I’m leveling up instead of dead so…

The last few days in the mirror my undyed hair has really reminded me of yours. I’m the same age you were when we met, and you do have gorgeous hair. I guess we both do.

Dad

Had a dream around 5 this morning my dad died and he was saying his time was up. As in his soul/spirit/whatever visited me this morning and all he had time for was to make his exit known but I had a sense that he was remorseful over a lot of stuff. It woke me up.

So that was weird.

Mi madre’s dream

Mom seemed kind of giddy telling me about a dream the other night where she was young and some guy was holding her, and he gave her love letters. She said she’d never had a dream like that before, and added that she’d always been faithful.

Well, I approve.